Last week I asked that parents send me questions that they had about adolescent sexuality or their children (or themselves) specifically. Below is my favorite question so far. If you have a question that you haven’t sent in yet, don’t hesitate to e-mail me or leave it in the comments section below.
HERE’S A QUESTION THAT I’M LOOKING FOR GUIDANCE ON. How the heck does one negotiate the constant presence of EXTREME pornography in the budding sexuality of a young person? I don’t mean all porn. I don’t mean mainstream porn. I’m a consumer of porn myself. And I have absolutely no concern about the continuum of sexual orientation and gender identity.
My issue comes from finding my 12-yr-old surfing http://extremeporn.com a while back. Go take a look at that site for a moment, would you please? I mean, a serious look. Maybe watch a video, if you’re willing. I don’t mind consenting adults engaging in this behavior, but I’m concerned that if THIS is the porno content that my 12-yr-old sees early on in her own personal sexual explorations, will she believe that it’s THE NORM to be bound and tortured and shocked and de-personified and objectified?
As for the technological approach, I’m a technology person; a technical writer, in fact. We’ve got a dozen computers around our apartment, and my emerging teenager has literally had her hands on her own computer since she was two years old. Any filtering device that I could install on our machines would hold her back for about 5 minutes, if that. And anyway, the reality is (in my not-so-humble opinion) that even if I could block our family machines, she’d still get to whatever she wants at someone else’s machine. So, I really see little point in trying to block content. No matter what content blockers I might employ, my tech-savvy kid could get around any blockers that I might attempt to employ.
Instead, we’ve taken the route of requiring transparency. All of our machines are public in our apartment, and we can all use any and all of them. And we know each others’ passwords (obviously, the adults have some access privileges that she doesn’t).
When I found her surfing http://extremeporn.com, she was freaked out and obviously wondering whether I was mad. I wasn’t, but I told her that I wanted to make sure that she knew that what she was seeing on that screen was DEFINITELY EXTREME, meaning that it was not what most people do most of the time.
Sincerely,
R
Dear R,
Yes, that is an extreme porn site, and not an ideal introduction into porn. However, many young people are introduced to porn in not-so-ideal circumstances, and they turn out just fine.
Will your daughter think the acts portrayed on that site are typical sexual activities that she will be expected to engage in? It seems like you’ve averted that issue right out of the gate, which is great. Backing your statement up with some good, comprehensive sexuality education would be ideal if you can find it in your area.
Technologically speaking, you’re also right on target. If a young person wants to access porn of any sort, they will be able to work around any safety net the parent has put in place. These safety nets are great to keep kids from accidentally stumbling on something they don’t have any interest in actively searching out – but as soon as they want it, they will be able to find it. This is true in any family, not just a tech savvy one.
Requiring transparency on the computers in the house is a great first step to help your daughter navigate the technological world – but even more important is building the kind of relationship where you can have open and frank conversations with her about anything she stumbles on or actively seeks out. To that end, your non-angry reaction to finding her browsing history was very helpful.
The thing is, very few people really want to talk with their parents about sexual or pornographic interests, and that certainly includes 12 year olds. In order to expand your daughter’s understanding of the topic, I would recommend you buy her a copy of Heather Corinna’s book S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College. (I think this book is a little young for college, and I’ve used it in my middle school sex ed classes. Of course take a look at it to make sure it’s a good fit for your daughter. If she is surfing porn at that level, I think it’s probably right on target.) And then find her a great sex ed class. Good comprehensive sex education will provide your daughter with lots of basic information about a range sexual activities, sexual choice, and power dynamics, and discuss pornography. Some potential ways to make that happen include:
- Many Unitarian Universalist churches teach a very comprehensive, highly acclaimed sex ed program.
- Some districts provide comprehensive sexuality education. For example, New York City is now requiring comprehensive sex education. I’m a little doubtful about the quality, particularly as they’re getting started in the first few years.
- You can hire me to come and teach a weekend retreat class to her and her friends.
These classes can be hard to find, but they are well worth the time and the financial commitment.
When I noticed my 12-year-old son looking at porn online, I bought him a copy of Naked New York, which is a book of photographs of actual New York City residents, both dressed, and naked–all shapes and sizes and ages.
I think Karen had recommended the photographer’s website in a post a few years ago, which is how I heard of it to begin with. Anyway, it’s a very good introduction to nudity, since how many REAL naked people do kids really ever get to see? And it should show your daughter that all women don’t really have those artificial porn breasts.
Just as an aside, the first porn I ever saw was a lot of nurse-type bondage stuff that my brother “borrowed” from the family he babysat for. It was pretty extreme for the mid 1970s ( I was about 11), and although I was fascinated at the time, it’s not as if I’m into that stuff today, so I wouldn’t worry that your daughter will develop odd tastes from watching what she watched.
I was also looking for movies with young people having sex in a non-porn, normal kind of way. I can’t say I was all that successful on that score, but you might rent The Basketball Diaries, which has a nice, non-embarrassing-to-watch-with-your-parents first time sexual experience in it.