The Secret Life of the American Teenager

ABC Family (that would not be your standard-fare ABC, this is a cable channel) has a new show whose “WORLD PREMIER” (oh, please) is tonight: The Secret Life of the American Teenager. It’s about a high school student who gets pregnant.

My initial thoughts: Oh, please. Yes, Juno made a lot of money. But that doesn’t mean that the networks (or even the network “subsidiaries”) can be anywhere near as relevant, snarky, or non-judgemental as Diablo Cody. Which means you probably suck.

But I said to myself, “Dr. Karen, you’ve got to give this a chance. Who knows? Maybe it’s the new Freaks and Geeks!” And then I laughed at my own little joke until I fell off the couch. Because of course nothing could portray teenagers as well as either Juno OR Freaks and Geeks, and even attempting to puts the creators in such a laughable place that it makes me fall off couches.

But hey, it’s my job to stay on top of things like this, so I prepared myself for five minutes of crap and went to take a look at their little trailer.  And here’s the stunning thing: It wasn’t so bad.  After the five minute trailer, I am willing to watch at least one episode of the show.

So according to this very little, tiny “teaser” about this show, here’s what they got right:

• Pregnant Girl isn’t a bad-girl-slut who finds her way, she’s a band nerd who doesn’t know what she’s doing.
• Pregnant Girl and her two friends seem, on first glance, to be pretty real.  This is a huge accomplishment.  I hope it holds up to the test of another 38 minutes of screen time.

And here’s what they got wrong:

• Pregnant Girl got pregnant after having sex for the first time.  I’m sorry, that’s so Juno.
• The dad is a boob.  This has been done and re-done and over-done far too often for anything good to possibly come of it.  I’m exhausted by stupid-TV-dads.  (Yes, even the one in Freaks and Geeks.)

I’m dubious (they are, after all, only 2-for-2 here).  And here’s my raging question:

What happens when Pregnant Girl gives birth?

Do they have a shitty show and not let her go past 6 or 7 months pregnant, forever living with an-unnamed alien in her tummy?  Do they jump the shark and bring a baby into the show, and Pregnant Girl becomes Mommy Girl?  Do they bite the bullet and end what might be a popular show?  This plot set up is time-limited, and I’m dubious that they’ll do the right thing and end it when it should end.

Like I said: I’m willing to watch the first episode.  Except that I can’t.  I don’t have ABC Family.  Anyone want to Tivo it for me and invite me over?