There are those who are graduating by the skin of their teeth, and those who don’t think much of the event because it didn’t take much to get there.  And you should acknowledge the graduation by following the lead of your favorite soon-to-be-alumni.

My years in high school and as an undergraduate were primarily spent finding things other than school work to keep my mind and body busy.  I was involved in many fabulous activities, and by and large really enjoyed myself.  I graduated with honors both times without putting even half of my full attention into my school work.  My dear and devoted family praised me and supported me both times.  But to be honest, it just felt hollow and oddly forced.  And it was forced, on my part.  I had to force myself to legitimately accept their praise for what I did not consider was my best work.

On the other hand, when I graduated with my Ph.D. it was a completely different ball game.  I had put my heart and soul and full capabilities into my graduate school career.  I had worked very hard for something and I was proud of myself for completing it.  In this context it was easy to accept other people’s congratulations and pride in me.

In retrospect, I suspect I would have responded to a note of “Good work - now keep going!” for those first few graduations much better.  After all, I never considered them endpoints - only markers along the way.  And a full-powered blow-out was all that was possibly acceptable for when I did work my hardest.

So try to get a sense from your favorite graduating graduate of 2008: Is she really proud of the body of work she’s done to reach this place?  I mean really really proud, down beneath the potential embarrassment of being proud of one’s self.  Because if she is, then you need to go all out.  Otherwise, the goal needs to simply be to keep the ball rolling.

(As a side note: This is not in any way to say that educational achievement is the only way, or even the best way, to reach one’s goals.  It is just one path among many.)

It takes effect in 30 days.  Read more from the New York Times.  Or, perhaps more fittingly, the Los Angeles Times.

You Look Too Young to be a Mom Edited by Deborah Davis. I’ve briefly recommended this one before, but it will always bear repeating. Frankly, I’m surprised looking back over my past entries that I haven’t yet devoted an entire post to this fabulous book. But never fear, Gentle Reader, that post will be forth-coming! The second line of the title really says it all: Teen Mothers Speak Out on Love, Learning, and Success. It’s a must-read for a young mama just starting her journey.

The Essential Hip Mama: writing from the cutting edge of parenting Edited by Ariel Gore and Breeder: Real-Life Stories from the New Generation of Mothers Edited by Ariel Gore and Bee Lavender. These are both good follow-ups to Deborah Davis’s book, and cover much of the same ground. But teen mothers just can’t get enough real-life, supporting images of young mothers.

The Hip Mama Survival Guide by Ariel Gore. This one is a bit dated (it was published in 1998), but it’s still got some good punch to it. It’s really just a fabulously supportive guide for young parenting. It doesn’t cover all of the physical basics - like whether an infant having a fever of 101 is a problem or not - but it does a fabulous job of addressing the emotional hurdles that young mothers run into.

You might be able to tell that I like Ariel Gore’s stuff. Her fabulous, 15-year-old zine can be found here. And I loved this book - cried as I read it the first time because it resonated so strongly with me- called The Mother Trip: Hip Mama’s Guide to Staying Sane in the Chaos of Motherhood She also has a book about parenting teenagers which I found good, if not as fabulously grand as her parenting books for young parents.

After this, you need to move on to books for new parents regardless of their age. Here are some parenting books I really like and think should be staples on any parent’s bookshelf when their children are young:

You Are Your Child’s First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy. This is a fabulous book that talks about child development and how parents can ideally support it from birth through age six.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting by Arlene Hathaway, Sandee E. Murkoff, and Heidi Eisenberg. This is just a basic book for when a young mama has questions. If she likes it, there’s a whole series that’s decent. There are many others that will do in it’s place if this one doesn’t appeal. For example, The Pregnancy Book: A Month-by-Month Guide by William and Martha Sears will also provide quite nicely.

And then, because most of these books are written with the mother in mind, my favorite book to recommend to soon-to-be-Papas is The Expectant Father by Armin A. Brott and Jennifer Ash. This fabulous book goes into the details of how to become a daddy and a fabulous support for the soon-t0-be-mama. It’s the only book I take it upon myself to give to every soon-to-be father I know.

Hopefully this list will get you started on providing a fabulous library of parenting books for your favorite fabulous pregnant or parenting teen!

So here’s where the conversation about this one random girl near Houston, the stinky armpit of Texas, turns into a conversation about the state of our country’s obsession with adolescent bodies and adolescent sexuality. In fact, I wonder if this is even news worthy just because of the recent Miley Cyrus fiasco? Or maybe it’s because silly things like this suddenly go viral on the Internet and out of nowhere everyone knows who Marche Taylor is and that her prom sponsor accused her of not wearing underwear to her prom (Marche says she was).

But really, I think people pay attention to things like this because they get to look at a teenage girl’s body. We are, as a culture, both obsessed and repelled by teenage girls ‘bodies. We want them to be shown off and considered sexy in the right ways (like your standard prom dress or a bikini on the beach) but not in the wrong ways (like Marche or Miley). But teenage girls are never really given a good, solid list of guidelines and what’s appropriate can change far too quickly for the average teenage girl to be expected to keep up.

Let’s get back to that liking to look at teenage girls’ bodies. When we see a news show, or read a blog post (unless it’s this one), or read a newspaper article about a scantily clad 17 year old, the man - the publisher - knows that eyeballs will be had in great droves because people like to look at 17 year old’s bodies. And I’m fed up with it.

As a society, we honor and love youth - particularly the fabulous body part of youth.

But then at the same time we slam (a) a teenager’s too-sexy choice in photo arrangements or (b) a teenager’s too-sexy choice in prom dress.

We can’t do both, folks. It just screws with girl’s minds and makes them obsess at a highly unhealthy level about their body - because they’ll either be considered stodgy and not sexy enough or too slutty and too sexy. The middle ground is a very, very narrow tightrope. So let’s all just breathe. And stop it with the obsession about teenager’s bodies.

1. The lines are clean and the colors bright and the whole site is somewhat reminiscent of that penguin game the kiddies like so much.
2. The characters in the videos are wearing gender-color-coded t-shirts and are somewhat reminiscent of the Apple/PC Apple ads with their white backdrops and amusing banter.

In other words, Planned Parenthood has made this campaign fun rather that stressful. But I think that’s good. There are links to more in-depth, useful information. And through the videos, teenagers are getting exposed some good, basic information about safe sex. It’s not a sex-ed class, and it’s not comprehensive. But imitating a classroom environment is not how the Internet works, and teenagers know that.

Basically, I’m delighted that Planned Parenthood has gone out and gotten people who know what they’re doing on-line and in advertising to create a funny and engaging site to work as a portal to greater information. I think teenagers will be much more likely to visit this site and to recommend it to their friends than something like this one, and it will stick in their minds so they’ll know where to come back when they have pressing questions. Then they’ll be ready to make their way through Teenwire’s denser, more informative body of information.

So go take a look, and report back: What do you think of the Take Care Down There campaign?

Karen: Hi Lux! Thank you so much for doing this interview! Can you introduce yourself a bit? How would you introduce yourself in a personals ad?

Lux: 25 year old girl in New York with a penchant for smart conversation. Particularly conversation about sex, the internet, or both.

K: Can you describe your most influential sexual relationship from the past few years? Why was it so influential for you?

L: Sadly, my most influential relationship was a negative one. My first serious relationship, which ended a little over four years ago, was with someone who was pretty emotionally abusive and spent a lot of time and energy on making me feel bad about myself. Though I don’t wish that experience on anyone, I do feel that — in the long run — it taught me a lot about how I want to be treated, and gave me the knowledge and ability to avoid people who bring that kind of negativity into my life.

K: I’m sorry to hear about the negativity in that first serious relationship, Lux. Now that you’ve moved past it, where are you, relationship-wise?

L: I’m in a really great place, actually. I have a partner who loves and respects me, appreciates me for who I am, and is really good at talking through problems when they arise. Really, what more could you ask for?

K: Let’s talk about work a bit too. I know you’re behind Boinkology - can you talk a bit about what you do there?

L: I launched Boinkology almost a year ago with my friend Richard Blakeley. We wanted to create a space where people could talk about sex beyond the usual conversations about porn, sex toys, personal sexual experiences, and sexual health. While all those areas are extremely important, we feel that there’s much more to sex and sexuality than what goes on between our legs — Boinkology focuses on all of that.

K: What are a few of those topics beyond the ones you mentioned that you like to focus on at Boinkology?

L: I’m really interested in seeing how sex and sexuality are viewed and represented in daily life — and especially in pop culture. Sex is everywhere — in our advertising, in our entertainment, even in our presidential race — and I think it’s fascinating to observe and comment on it.

K: Now we know the whats, let’s talk about the why. What drew you to create Boinkology?

L: I’ve been interested in sex for — well, pretty much all my life. It’s pretty much the only thing that’s consistently held my interest for the past ten years; and that was definitely a huge part of why I created a blog about sex. Beyond that, however, is the fact that I’m consistently disturbed by how hard we, as a culture, find talking about sex, one of the most fundamental, basic parts of life. I strongly believe that the more we talk about sex, the more comfortable we become with the topic, and the better off we all are. Through my work, I try to help people see that sex doesn’t have to be a taboo topic.

K: So with this understanding of where you are now in your sexual and work lives, I’d like to understand a bit about how you got here. Can you talk a bit about your sexual development through adolescence?

L: Though in some ways I developed really early — I discovered masturbation at a very young age, and started puberty at 10 — I went through much of adolescence feeling like a late bloomer. I didn’t date at all until after high school, and started college feeling like I was way behind my peers (though in retrospect, I see that that was hardly the case). On the plus side, this gave me a lot of time to figure out who I was and what I wanted — which, in the end, was a very beneficial thing for me.

K: And how did your parents and family interact with you around issues of sex and sexuality? What, in essence, was your sex education at home like? How did it influence you?

L: My parents have always been pretty open about sex and sexuality. When I was five years old, they gave me a copy of “Where Did I Come From?” and were always open to discussing any questions that I had (it also helped that my mom was an HIV educator). I think their openness helped me understand that sexuality is a beautiful, wonderful thing, and taught me to be comfortable with the topic.

K: I’m was sorry to hear that your first relationship was so negative. I think that is something of a common theme for young women. How did your parents react to that relationship?

L: What’s really interesting, for me, is that my parents were privately opposed to my relationship, but never tried to step in and get me to end it. They were very aware that I needed to make my own mistakes — and were very cautious about risking alineating me by coming out against my relationship.

K: Helping parents learn how to interact with their child who is in a relationship they don’t approve of is a difficult thing. I’m sure there are parents who would love some advice on how to support their daughters through such a difficult time. Do you have any suggestions?

L: I think the best thing that you can do is remind your daughter that you love and support her, and will be there for her through anything. It’s very hard to see someone you love get hurt, but coming down hard and trying to prevent your daughter from being in a relationship is a surefire way to drive her away. Being a loving, supportive figure, and reminding your daughter what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like, is really the best tactic — when your daughter realizes that she needs to get out of her relationship, you will be the person she comes to.

K: Based on your experiences, how would you recommend parents teach their children about sex and sexuality?

L: I think being open and honest (and starting the conversation early) is the only way to go. While there are certainly topics that aren’t appropriate for younger children, it’s never too early to teach children to love their bodies and love the wonderful feelings their bodies can give them. And the earlier you start talking to kids about sex, the easier it becomes to talk about it — by the time they’re teenagers, you’ll be much more prepared to take on the hard questions.

K: Thank you so much for your time, Lux! I look forward to watching Boinkology develop! Is there any last thing you’d like to say?

L: I think talking to young people about sex is a hugely important thing. What we learn about sex in our youth and adolescence can shape our identities for the rest of our lives — I’m very glad to know you’re out here helping parents have these conversations.

The Body Project

The story begins with how the time-line of reproductive development has changed over many years from the mid-teens to late-childhood.

The Body Project goes on to discuss menstruation, and how it was originally an extremely intimate experience that girls did not talk about. Ideally, however, 150 years ago menstruation was part of an intimate mother-daughter experience and something of a coming-of-age experience in the mid-to-late-teens. Over the years, as diets and lifestyles became healthier and women had fewer children, girls began menstruating earlier and more often (because they were not sick or pregnant as often) and male doctors became involved in the process. As doctors took over, they encouraged girls to use the new, and “cleaner” commercially sold pads rather than the rags their mothers and grandmothers used. Over time, menstruation became something that was talked about comparatively easily in the public square, or at least among girl friends, and is highly commercialized, where the majority of the conversation is about what products girls use - “What brand of pad, tampon, and cramps alever do you use?”

The book goes on to chronicle other body obsessions, including the search for perfect skin and the barbed issues around appropriate public sexuality, lack of sexual activity, and virginity. It’s a great read - and particularly poignant and meaningful for parents of daughters who are about to make the transition into puberty.

I am impressed with Rev. Haffner’s research-based approach to talking about what’s really going on with current teenagers’ sexual involvement. Rather than being sensationalistic, Rev. Haffner does a lovely job of taking relatively obtuse statistical information and breaking it down into meaningful chunks of information that non-statistician parents can easily understand.

After taking stock of the sexual activities teenagers are currently engaging in, Rev. Haffner puts those activities into a historical perspective. She suggests that not only are teenagers not sexually engaging to the degree that the media hype implies, but they are actually just doing what generations have done: shocking their elders by doing essentially the same things those same elders were doing when they were young. In other words, “Take a deep breath! You and your kids will probably be just fine.”

Finally, Rev. Haffner provides meaningful, respectful advice on how parents can move forward to engage their teenagers in a continuing conversation and parent-child relationship.

So I highly recommend What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know. It will provide context and steps to move forward for most parents who are finding their relationships with their pre-teens and teenagers faultering.

The content of s.e.x. is informative and covers a pretty wide range of information relatively well. As a reader, you at least get an idea of whether you’re interested in finding out more and generally where you can go if you do want more. The book has much the same feel as Corinna’s extensive website, Scarleteen.com, which is currently celebrating it’s 10th anniversary.

The similarity between Scarleteen and s.e.x. actually underlines the only potential criticism that I have about either the book or the website: they aren’t terrible fun or engaging beyond the inherent nature of the subject matter. This is not necessarily a bad thing. There are plenty of teenagers out there who just want information, and they don’t necessarily need or want it packaged in a fun or candy-coated wrapper. On the other hand, there are plenty of teenagers who don’t have the attention span to research or delve into a relatively informative (i.e., potentially dry) book or extensive website to find the piece of information they need. Rather, these teenagers want to browse through YouTube or sexetc.org and look at all the funny and sexy videos and are fine if they learn something on the side. Neither Corinna’s book nor her website will appeal to this group of teenagers.

So while Corinna’s s.e.x. isn’t for everyone, it can fulfill a fabulous need for many teenagers. And it is a great resource for parents to keep on the shelf at all times in case the teenagers in your house suddenly have a burning question about a particular sex-related topic. Hopefully it will keep them from simply googling “female ejaculation” because there are plenty of results from that search you probably wouldn’t want them delving into.

I really like Brignoni’s premise, her goal. Pregnant and parening teenagers need all the help they can get in finding their own footing in this very anti-pregnant-and-parenting-teens society of ours. I was a young mother, although not a teenage mother, and felt some of the public disapproval and negativity that actual teenage mothers feel at very high levels. I feel for these young women, and I am absolutely compelled to cheer on anyone who works to help them gain self-confidence and self-efficacy in their parenting abilities. And so, in that vein, I am absolutely delighted by Brignoni’s book. She’s done a great job of encouraging young women to trust themselves to be good parents and to go out and create a good life for themselves and their children.

Nevertheless (and you just had to know that was coming, didn’t you?), I am concerned the book won’t speak to many teenagers who actually get knocked up and decide to keep the baby. It’s a good book - it really is - but it doesn’t speak a language that most pregnant teenagers have ever heard before. So I worry that there aren’t many pregnant teenagers who will spend enough of their very limited time to get past Brignoni’s language in order to internalize her message.

For example, Brignoni includes a CD with the book that has a very heartfelt, very sweet, soft rock tribute to teenage mothers. And, of course, teenagers’ music taste varies widely, so it would be hard to find one song to reach them all. But these songs sound more like a generic Celine Dion than anything currently popular (like Lil Wayne, for example).

This is the problem throughout Brignoni’s book. While she is always looking to engage teenage mothers in deep conversation that will allow them to see themselves and their goals more clearly, she does so with a marked inability to reach out to teenagers where many of them are.

So for a teenager who can relate to the language found in adult self-help books, I recommend Brignoni’s Hope…Joy (and a Few Little Thoughts) for Pregnant Teens. And indeed, this may be the best option out there right now to help and support a pregnant teenager in getting a grip on her life and moving forward in a positive way. I just wish I had another option to suggest that spoke a bit more directly and productively to today’s pregnant teens.