Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

I am working with a production company from France to create a documentary about human development from birth through the beginnings of puberty and sexual interest. My conversation, of course, will come primarily at the end of the film. In addition to an interview piece, they asked that I gather a group of 12 - 14 year olds together so they could film a sex ed class. It took some time and some doing, but I think I’ve finally managed it. But I was surprised by the path and the conversations I had along the way.

I spoke exclusively with parents I knew and who I had talked with about their children’s budding sexuality in one way or another. It seemed to me that it would be a big leap of trust for these parents to allow someone to film their young teenagers talking about sex. I extensively outlined what we would be doing in the class, remaining open to input and concerns and expressed a willingness to be flexible according to what the parents were comfortable with. These parents were uncomfortable with the idea - some only a little, some quite a lot. I got a few tentative positive responses, but no one was thrilled.

So I moved on, looking further afield for youth to be involved.

In the last week, I have found an amazing group of parents who are comfortable with their children being filmed in a sex ed class I will teach - even though they don’t know me personally and they haven’t seen a play-by-play of what will be included in the class. What I have seen in these parents is that rather than talking to me about the potential filming, they have been talking with their young teenagers. They have sat down as a family, with my short and to-the-point e-mail introduction (which I figured would be followed by many more) and talked together about the potential positives and negatives of being involved. They made a family decision, the parents and the youth, about whether to move forward. Some decided yes, some decided no. But the point is that they felt very little need for extensive conversation with me.

So where does the difference between these two groups of parents lay?

I think the first group of parents wanted to know - to KNOW - that they could trust me. Ultimately, they were torn because even if they did trust me, they weren’t SURE they could trust the film company.

The second group of parents, on the other hand, weren’t very concerned with trust of me or the film company - they had enough basic information to know that we were basically doing something good and interesting. Rather, these parents decided to trust their young teenagers to make good decisions and to be able to weigh the potential outcomes with the parents’ guidance.

So what can you learn from this little story?

Ultimately, it’s far more productive to work towards trusting your children and your teenagers than to try to trust every single adult who comes into contact with them.

Many adults - perhaps all adults? - look back on at least one thing they did in a relationship as a preteen, teenager, or young adult and are embarrassed. They regret their actions and the pain they caused someone they professed to care about.

My regret? I was in 9th grade, and dating a truly lovely young man who lived several hundred miles away. And one day I kissed a local boy. One time. I felt horrible, and immediately admitted to my 14 year old infidelity. (From my description you can tell I am continuing to beg: “Forgive me! I still feel badly about the pain I caused!”) Now I can look back and sigh at the pain I caused, and admire my young boyfriend for his forgiveness and continued friendship until we drifted apart just a few years ago.

However, five years after The Event, my new boyfriend (NB) become good friends with my old boyfriend’s best friend (BF). The BF could not get over my five-years-old kiss. He crucified me, in ways small and large, in front of me and behind my back, to my NB. The BF demanded that I give cause for my actions - answer the question: Why had I cheated?

I don’t really remember how I responded to his question at the time. And now as I think back on that kiss, I still don’t have a clear answer. I was young. I was immature. I was taken by the moment and did not fully appreciate the lovely young man who was my boyfriend.

But is that enough of an answer? It can’t erase, or even explain, the pain I caused.

At the risk of sounding too Sex In The City:

Is immaturity an answer to why we did things when we were young? Can our friends and lovers through the years expect a deeper answer from us?

And to apply that answer (or excuse) to those heroic young people who are currently teenagers: Should they be called upon to answer “Why?” of their social and emotional wrongs?

Or is it perhaps enough to admit wrong-doing, at any age, and to endeavor to learn from it?

What do you think?

When I was about 19, I had the following conversation with my grandfather (GF) and great-grandmother (GG) about my same-age cousin:

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GG: Well, your cousin just moved in with her boyfriend.

Me: Oh, that’s nice! Good for her.

GF: Yes.  She’s told us that she is sleeping in her own bedroom and he is sleeping in his own bedroom.

GG: And I just don’t know, but I think her parents actually believe her! But we all know that’s not really happening!

(GG and GF cackle delightedly.)

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I have to admit - I was astounded at this rather benign joke coming from several generations up. I had never talked about anything sexual with anyone older than my parents before - and even that was under duress.

But I’ve got grandparents on the mind today, because today is Grandparent’s Day at my daughter’s school. So we have quite a few grandparents in town - including that same grandfather - now great-grandfather.

Several months ago in one of my classes for parents on adolescent sexuality, I had a grandparent attend. He wanted to know how he could help his grandchildren learn about and process their sexual development. Specifically, his biggest question was this:

“If my grandchildren come to me with questions or advice about sexuality, am I morally required to tell their parent (i.e., my children) about our conversations?”

I had to think through that question for some time. It’s a good one. Generally I say that a non-parental adult needs to tell the parents of a teenager if the teenager comes to that non-parental adult to talk about sex. (Unless, of course, the parent has given the non-parent permission to have a confidential relationship with the teenager. Which is something I highly, highly recommend.)

But as I thought more in-depth on the issue, I do think that there are a few relationships that may allow a non-parental adult to choose to not inform the parents of on-going conversations about sex and sexuality. Here is my list of those relationships:

• siblings
• grandparents
• teachers
• church youth advisor/minister

There may be a few others, depending on the people involved.  So to all the grandparents (and great-grandparents) out there in Internet-land: Go talk with your grandchildren about sex!  It’ll be good for both of you.

However, before I head out, I want to point out that taking on a role of adult confidant of a teenager has serious, and imperative, responsibilities associated with it. I’ll expound on them sometime in the near future - right now I’m off to hang out with seven of my children’s grandparents and great-grandparents.  (There are four not in attendance - yes, my children do have too many grandparents, the lucky ducks!)

Today is Part 4 in this series on sex as a privilege for which there are responsibilities, and I will focus on the social responsibilities. You can read the introduction in part 1, the physical responsibilities in part 2, and the relational responsibilities in part 3.

(As a side note, I am in the process of preparing the syllabus for a graduate course I will be teaching at the University of Texas this summer, and am trying to resist the urge to sound professor like. Please excuse me if I fail.)

Sex in all it’s forms is generally considered a private act. And really, those who prefer sex to be a public act can generally be put aside, because it is often hard enough for a teenager to gather the courage to be sexual in front of their sex partner, much less strangers in a voyeuristic context.

Nevertheless, the sexual relationship that teenagers choose to enter - or choose not to enter - are often critical to their social spheres. And so it is a very delicate balancing act for a teenager between allowing it to be known that they are engaging sexually with someone or not. And while it may seem harmless enough at the time to mention last night’s hook-up to a best friend, the results can spin out of control far more quickly than one might imagine.

What this means is that teenager lovers and sex partners must come to an agreement about who else can know about a sexual relationship. With the understanding that everyone needs someone to talk with outside of a relationship, but that those people must be chosen with attention.

This responsibility can be summed up nicely this way: You have a responsibility to attend to the gossip and social harm that might come to your sexual partners due to your words.

Okay, I am diverging from this week’s regularly scheduled blog posts again. I’ll have to return to them next week.

Last night rumors swirled around a community of adults about one young woman’s theoretical, or rumored, sexual activities.

It’s unclear how the rumors got started, or whether there is any truth to them. No one knows if any of this young woman’s peers have any knowledge of the rumor. No one wants to continue to spread the rumor by asking any of her peers. No one wants to make things worse by asking the young woman herself.

The only thing that is really crystal clear to me right now is that there is one rather freaked out mom who is now mentally going over every conversation and nuance from the past three months.

I am so disappointed by all of this. All of the people who I have talked with are basically good people. They certainly don’t want to be spreading rumors, they want to be stopping rumors. But there is good reason to believe that by trying to stop the rumor, it is being spread.

Rumors about sexuality can have serious, long-term repercussions for preteen and teenage girls. Leora Tanenbaum’s book Slut! Growing up female with a bad reputation catalogues this experience thoroughly.

Almost everyone knew a “slut” in middle school or high school. Some of you may have been labeled that yourself. Others may have been saddled with other sexual labels that held little truth to them (dyke, fag, etc.). But the point that really stuck with me in Tanenbaum’s book was that many, many young women who are labeled a “slut” have had very little sexual experience - often less than their peers.

I tell other adults that young women labeled a slut often are not, and they rarely believe me. They say, “Well, that might be true for some girls, but the slut in my high school…well…you wouldn’t believe what she did!” Often these adults, long out of high school, suddenly catch themselves at this point. They wonder aloud if that girl actually did have sex with the entire football team in one night. They realize that, in fact, she probably didn’t, because anyone having sex with that many people in one night by choice is highly unlikely. They suddenly wonder about their own unintentional part in continuing false and painful rumors about an unaware and awkward teenager.

Now I wonder about the adults who are talking about the young woman I mentioned earlier. I wonder if they have examined their unintentional part in extending this rumor. There is a salaciousness in talking about adolescent sexuality, both as an adolescent and as a parent, but for different reasons. I like this young woman. She’s strong, she’s interesting, and she’s fun to be around. I hope the rumor ends without her peers hearing about it. I hope that this young woman is blessed by passing into young adulthood with no other sexual rumors marring her experience.

But if I am being honest, I have very little faith that she will be so blessed. Very few women are.

Okay, so this site isn’t for younger teenagers - it explicitly states it’s for those 18 and older, actually. But it’s still a fascinating phenomenon. Crazy Blind Date. Ever heard of it?

They get your information, information about what kind of person you’d like to date, where in your local city you’d like to meet them, and when you’re available. Then they set you up with someone on super short notice - like, half an hour. And you’re not allowed to know anything about the person before you meet them at the date. You can go on a solo date or a double date.

I have to say, after reading through the site and generally approving of their methods to ensure you are who you say you are, I can see the appeal of going on a Crazy Blind Date.

Nevertheless, I also see the point that my friend who alerted me to the site made: It doesn’t seem too terribly safe. Even though you’re meeting in public and have proved you are who you say you are and all that happy jazz. I think, were I a single college student, I would probably set up several blind double dates with a friend, to see if it was totally lame or not.

What do you think? Is Crazy Blind Date:

(A) a fun, spontaneous way to meet new people?

(B) another poorly conceived way to make yourself stalker-fodder?

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

Although this post was originally supposed to be for Friday, I got so many good questions on Wednesday that I did not feel they would all fit in one post. That said, I am still open to more questions for the rest of today or until about 10 PM Eastern time. If you have questions, email me at justanotherteen@gmail.com.

I did not particularly ask people if they were OK with the use of their name with their question, so I will use caution and assume they wish to remain anonymous.

“I’m interested in your experience, and how you learned about masturbation … whether through self-exploration, or by being taught, either by another person, or from literature / porn.”

I have already said a brief amount about my masturbation experience, but not much, so I will go into more detail here. I started masturbating by rubbing on an old fleece jacket. I didn’t know what I was doing honestly, as I said I was extremely sheltered. Until I found jackinworld.com, I did not know what I was doing or how to “properly” do it, probably because I am circumcised and did not even think about lube. In my experience, I didn’t hear anything about it from others so I had no clue. Although many guys apparently share their knowledge of this pleasurable activity, I suppose I just did not have enough family members or friends close enough in age.

“Do you have any friends who are abstinent despite pressure to be otherwise? If so, why do you think they made that choice?”

As much as I should, I have not really talked to my friends about this matter. I am pretty sure many of them have never had sex but I do not know whether that is because of lack of opportunity or their own desire to abstain. Sorry I don’t have more information on this subject!

“Do you think that being in an all-male residential high school has had an impact on how you learned to relate with girls? Do you think it has been useful, or a hindrance?”

I’m sorry if I gave the impression that I live in an all-male school. In fact my school is open to both girls and guys, in separate monitored dorms. If I were in a single sex school, I would definitely think that would alter my ability to talk to girls. However, having lived the life that I have so far, I often have more female friends than male friends. I am by no means a player or anything, I simply have a strong feminine side in many ways and therefore relate better with females. That is actually one of the reasons I have such a strong relationship with my girlfriend. I am feminine in many of the same ways she is masculine and vice versa.

“So with uncommunicative parents and a rotten teacher at school, where did you get good information and a healthy attitude? What would you recommend to other teenagers in similar position.”

Looking back, it is really hard to tell where my attitude came from. I suppose it was partially because I wanted to be the opposite of my parents but more so because of the actions of my brothers, the Internet, and my life in a residential school. While my school itself is still rather conservative, living in a less supervised setting than at home as well as living with 300 other teenagers can lead to a large melting pot of ideas and values. The Internet also helped me learn about sex and masturbation before I arrived at school and likely laid the foundation for my current attitude. As for what I would recommend to other teenagers, remember to keep an open mind. Although the internet had laid the groundwork, I remember being shocked upon arrival at my school that they allowed an openly gay guy to be in a leadership position. My how my attitude has changed! I am now a member of our gay-straight alliance and I am wearing a new rainbow belt as I type this!

I apologize if this post does not seem as well put together as some others, but I only had about an hour to write this as opposed to more than a week for the rest! Thanks to everyone for the questions and comments/compliments. I have really enjoyed blogging here and love having an instant audience without having to build it myself!

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

My girlfriend and I had been having sex for at least three months when finally we got caught. I was just about to go take a nice warm bath after we were done but we cuddled for a bit too long and her mom came in before she was dressed. This is where things broke down. She asked her why I was seeing her naked. Then she just started yelling, threatening to take her out of our school, threatening to do lots of things for no reason. Talking about how she couldn’t trust us anymore. Although it took awhile she eventually calmed down. Although she was not happy with it, she eventually realized that there was no way to really stop us and practically gave us her blessing. Why she had to yell and throw a fit in the first place is something I may never understand. Now she gives us space and privacy when we are together (which is not as often as I would like as she is at college four hours away). We are now allowed to sleep in the same bed at night and generally do whatever we wish to do as long as we are not to loud. I really appreciate how open her mom has become now and I think all parents should be that way. I do wish more parents would stop and think about their reaction if they catch their son or daughter. Yelling at us only put up a wall between us and her mom, and if anything would have made us more determined to get away with it without her permission had she persisted. Had she stopped to think instead of jumping all over us, we could have talked about it like rational adults.

Also remember that next Friday I will be answering any questions you have about teenagers and sex. So please e-mail me your questions! justanotherteen@gmail.com

We all need a break–a nice, long vacation–every now and again. It seems that adults just don’t get that very often. This time of the year, the lucky ones get Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, and maybe New Year’s Day. I could go on about the lack of balance in our lives, but I will leave it to the many others working diligently in that area.

However, the annoying lack of vacation time around the holidays becomes truly problematic when our children have, in my case, three weeks off from school. Today (well, tomorrow actually, since I’m writing this really late on Sunday night) is my children’s first official day of Christmas Break.  And I am one of the lucky ones. I work mostly from home, and I work for myself.

There are plenty of parents, however, who are stressing about leaving their children and teenagers home alone for the next two or three weeks. This is hardest as children reach the cusp of adolescence. With 17 and 18 year olds, it’s pretty easy to leave them home alone. (They’ll sleep most of the day anyway.) But what about your almost-teenager? The 12 year old who is too old for a babysitter, but too young to be home alone for 10 hours a day? Or what about the 15 year old with the girlfriend/boyfriend who you don’t trust?

These are times when balance and communication may not come easily.

Nevertheless, balance and communication are truly the only ways to get through these hard situations. Talk about expectations. Talk about trust. Talk about the consequences of lack of trust. And know that it will all work out in the end, one way or another. (Even if it doesn’t work out the way you had hoped for.)

How have your dealt with these situations with your children? How did your parents deal with you when you were a teenager?

When I was a child and young adolescent, I had several very inappropriate experiences with significantly older youth and with men. This was pretty hurtful to me. I ended up acting out sexually, promiscuously. I think there was connection, but who knows? I was in the time period of drug, sex, rock and roll, so perhaps my behavior would have been the same. But, I didn’t have any adult that I felt loved and respected me. I didn’t have any adult I felt I could talk to. I was in pain and bewildered and I didn’t know where to turn, so I tried turning to physical comfort, which turned into sexuality, which was not comforting at all. But, I didn’t know how to stop it.
When I had my children, I tried to tell them every way I could find that they could always talk to me, that I was a safe person for them, that their body was their own and no one else was allowed to touch them if it made them uncomfortable. But still, my younger daughter was molested by a family member and did not tell me for some time, during which time, the abuse continued.
When I found out about the abuse, I was very protective and I got her the best therapy I could find (I never felt that it was very helpful, but I knew she needed more than I know how to give to resolve it). I tried to give her privacy, but still check in that she was okay. I felt inadequate and scared for her and for me. But, I was very aware when she was moving into early and middle adolescence that the past could reach out and bite her again. I worried with some of her boyfriends - they reminded me of the abusive family member and I was scared for her. She turned out fine. She has tremendous emotional heath and resiliency and I believe she has a healthy sexual life and attitude.
Building relationship with your children, from the earliest possible time, so that they know they can trust you - this is the best protection you can give them. Without that foundation (which still wasn’t enough) my daughter might have gone on being molested for years. Instead, it stopped within 9 months of the first occurance, because she did finally tell me. Build your relationship with your children. Let them know that you will believe them and listen to them and consider what they say thoughtfully.