Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

I wrote an e-mail to a friend last week, and mentioned to the recipient that if she was interested in knowing more about my perspective on sex education and how parents figure into that, she could come to this blog. She did. The next time we talked, she pointed out that while my blog was interesting and that she enjoyed reading it, she didn’t actually get much from it about my actual perspective.

So here we go, boys and girls: This week is going to be all about what I think about sex education and parents. I thought about doing a Top Ten list, but really there’s just three critical points. So I have a Top Three List instead:

1. Parents have to talk to their kids about sex. Before the kids start asking (because by then it’s too late).
2. Everyone has sex. Just not all teenagers. But all teenagers do need to learn the facts about sex. It’ll come in useful at some point. Promise.
3. Sex is not all bad. Even for teenagers. In order to maintain credibility, parents have to acknowledge that fact.

This is going to be a 3-part series. Once I have written the other parts, they’ll be linked from the comments section at the bottom of this page.

(And just to be clear, I’m talking about vaginal intercourse here, folks.)

1. Have an orgasm.
Yes, before you start having sex, you should give yourself an orgasm. It’s important to know what feels good to you.

2. Know the other person’s sexual history.
And I don’t mean just vaginal intercourse for this one!

3. Know the other person’s STI status, as well as your own.
The only way to know this for sure is to be tested! And if you’re both virgins, well, you’re not going to be for long. You might as well get that scary first STI testing out of the way so you’ll know what to expect next time around.

4. Talk about exactly what STI protection and birth control you will be using.
These two issues go hand-in-hand (for heterosexual couples), and it is the domain of both parties to be intimately involved.

5. If you are part of a heterosexual couple, talk about what happens if the woman gets pregnant.
Here are a few options to talk about, in alphabetical order: abortion, adoption, raising the kid alone, raising the kid together. With the understanding that reality is different than the theoretical, make sure you’re both on the same theoretical page.

6. Have your best friend’s blessing.
We can rarely see someone we’re in love with clearly. It is often our best friends who can see our lovers and our potential lovers for who they really are. Listen to what your best friend has to say, and take it to heart. If it’s not what you wanted to hear, give it some time. Wait a month. A good relationship will be able to withstand another month before having sex. Then ask a different friend, and see what they have to say.

7. Meet your partner’s parents.
At the very least, make sure you know why you haven’t met your them. The best sex comes out of knowing someone well, and knowing someone’s family is an important part of knowing them. (Even if they’re really, really different from their family.)

8. Be comfortable being naked in front of each other.
You don’t actually have to strip down in broad daylight to make sure you’ve reached this milestone, but it sure helps!

9. Have condoms on hand.
Make sure they fit right, that they’re within the expiration date, and that they haven’t been exposed to extreme conditions (like the inside of a really hot car). Condoms should be part of any respectful sexual relationship. There need be no assumption of hook ups outside of the relationship, just an assumption of good sexual habits being made and kept.

10. Make sure that your partner has done all of these things too.
Part of a happy, healthy sexual encounter is taking care of everyone’s emotional needs and physical health. Both people need to pay attention to themselves and to their partner. That way each person has two people looking out for them. It’s just the best way to do things.

1. Listen. If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual choices, shut up and listen to them!

2. Be cool like a cucumber. Nothing surprises you. You gain your strength and your stability from the depths of the ocean. You are in the zone. You are the embodiment of zen. When listening to your teenager talking about sex, never get worked up. The minute you get worked up, they stop talking. So let them talk themselves out -whether that takes two minutes or two hours. Then leave. Then get worked up and yell and scream and rage and cry at someone not related to you.

3. Pleasure and Pain. You must talk about the pleasure sex can bring as well as the negative sides. And you have to let your teenager talk about it as well. Yes, that means you have to talk about orgasms and hear your teenager use terms like “feels good.” Teenagers know sex is at least partially about physical pleasure, so no worries. You won’t be telling them anything they don’t already know.

4. Listen. Once more, for the hard-of-hearing: If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual lives, shut up and listen to them!

5. It’s not about you. You must always keep the focus of the conversation on your teenager’s sex life (that is, that which has nothing at all to do with your own sex life). Teenagers feel like they are discovering sex. And in a way, they are. They’re discovering their own sexuality. By talking about other people’s sexual choices (yours, their older sibling’s, their friend’s, famous people’s, whoever), you are reminding them that they did not, in fact, invent sex. This is not the time for you to do that.

6. Bring it on! You must always be open and welcoming when your teenager shows any inclination to talking about his/her sex life. Even if you’re uncomfortable. Even if you feel like they’re making horrible choices. The time to bring up those reservations is at a later time, when your teenager isn’t opening up of their own volition and, more importantly, you have a bit more perspective and time to plan what you’re going to say.

7. Do something - anything - else. The conversation will be easier if you don’t have to look at each other. So, depending on your personal preferences and those of your teen, grab anything from your knitting to your golf clubs. Just get something (anything!) in front of your eyes and their eyes so you don’t have to look at each other’s eyes.

8. Listen. I just can’t make that word bold enough or say it enough times. For those who have already forgotten #s 1 and 4, I’ll repeat myself one last time: If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual choices, shut up and listen to them!

9. Ask questions. This is the only way you can violate rules #s 1, 4, and 8. This does not, however, give you permission to ask questions like “Was that really a good idea?” because that’s not really a question, but a statement of “That was not a good idea.” You may ask open-ended, non-judgmental questions like “Can you tell me more about that?” and “How did that make you feel?” Be sure your tone of voice is open and non-judgmental as well.

10. Sisyphus didn’t give up, and neither may you! That’s a picture of Sisyphus up at the top. He’s the guy the Gods punished by making him role a huge bolder up a hill for eternity. What you’re doing isn’t as hard as that, it just feels like it. These may be some of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have. Keep at it! If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.