Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Several months ago I had the pleasure of meeting Lux Alptraum (that’s her over there on the left). Lux is one of the figures behind Boinkology, and an all around interesting person. Last month, Lux did an interview with me on Boinkology, and I enjoyed the talking with her so much I asked her if I could turn the tables and pick her brain too. Here’s the ensuing interview:

Karen: Hi Lux! Thank you so much for doing this interview! Can you introduce yourself a bit? How would you introduce yourself in a personals ad?

Lux: 25 year old girl in New York with a penchant for smart conversation. Particularly conversation about sex, the internet, or both.

K: Can you describe your most influential sexual relationship from the past few years? Why was it so influential for you?

L: Sadly, my most influential relationship was a negative one. My first serious relationship, which ended a little over four years ago, was with someone who was pretty emotionally abusive and spent a lot of time and energy on making me feel bad about myself. Though I don’t wish that experience on anyone, I do feel that — in the long run — it taught me a lot about how I want to be treated, and gave me the knowledge and ability to avoid people who bring that kind of negativity into my life.

K: I’m sorry to hear about the negativity in that first serious relationship, Lux. Now that you’ve moved past it, where are you, relationship-wise?

L: I’m in a really great place, actually. I have a partner who loves and respects me, appreciates me for who I am, and is really good at talking through problems when they arise. Really, what more could you ask for?

K: Let’s talk about work a bit too. I know you’re behind Boinkology - can you talk a bit about what you do there?

L: I launched Boinkology almost a year ago with my friend Richard Blakeley. We wanted to create a space where people could talk about sex beyond the usual conversations about porn, sex toys, personal sexual experiences, and sexual health. While all those areas are extremely important, we feel that there’s much more to sex and sexuality than what goes on between our legs — Boinkology focuses on all of that.

K: What are a few of those topics beyond the ones you mentioned that you like to focus on at Boinkology?

L: I’m really interested in seeing how sex and sexuality are viewed and represented in daily life — and especially in pop culture. Sex is everywhere — in our advertising, in our entertainment, even in our presidential race — and I think it’s fascinating to observe and comment on it.

K: Now we know the whats, let’s talk about the why. What drew you to create Boinkology?

L: I’ve been interested in sex for — well, pretty much all my life. It’s pretty much the only thing that’s consistently held my interest for the past ten years; and that was definitely a huge part of why I created a blog about sex. Beyond that, however, is the fact that I’m consistently disturbed by how hard we, as a culture, find talking about sex, one of the most fundamental, basic parts of life. I strongly believe that the more we talk about sex, the more comfortable we become with the topic, and the better off we all are. Through my work, I try to help people see that sex doesn’t have to be a taboo topic.

K: So with this understanding of where you are now in your sexual and work lives, I’d like to understand a bit about how you got here. Can you talk a bit about your sexual development through adolescence?

L: Though in some ways I developed really early — I discovered masturbation at a very young age, and started puberty at 10 — I went through much of adolescence feeling like a late bloomer. I didn’t date at all until after high school, and started college feeling like I was way behind my peers (though in retrospect, I see that that was hardly the case). On the plus side, this gave me a lot of time to figure out who I was and what I wanted — which, in the end, was a very beneficial thing for me.

K: And how did your parents and family interact with you around issues of sex and sexuality? What, in essence, was your sex education at home like? How did it influence you?

L: My parents have always been pretty open about sex and sexuality. When I was five years old, they gave me a copy of “Where Did I Come From?” and were always open to discussing any questions that I had (it also helped that my mom was an HIV educator). I think their openness helped me understand that sexuality is a beautiful, wonderful thing, and taught me to be comfortable with the topic.

K: I’m was sorry to hear that your first relationship was so negative. I think that is something of a common theme for young women. How did your parents react to that relationship?

L: What’s really interesting, for me, is that my parents were privately opposed to my relationship, but never tried to step in and get me to end it. They were very aware that I needed to make my own mistakes — and were very cautious about risking alineating me by coming out against my relationship.

K: Helping parents learn how to interact with their child who is in a relationship they don’t approve of is a difficult thing. I’m sure there are parents who would love some advice on how to support their daughters through such a difficult time. Do you have any suggestions?

L: I think the best thing that you can do is remind your daughter that you love and support her, and will be there for her through anything. It’s very hard to see someone you love get hurt, but coming down hard and trying to prevent your daughter from being in a relationship is a surefire way to drive her away. Being a loving, supportive figure, and reminding your daughter what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like, is really the best tactic — when your daughter realizes that she needs to get out of her relationship, you will be the person she comes to.

K: Based on your experiences, how would you recommend parents teach their children about sex and sexuality?

L: I think being open and honest (and starting the conversation early) is the only way to go. While there are certainly topics that aren’t appropriate for younger children, it’s never too early to teach children to love their bodies and love the wonderful feelings their bodies can give them. And the earlier you start talking to kids about sex, the easier it becomes to talk about it — by the time they’re teenagers, you’ll be much more prepared to take on the hard questions.

K: Thank you so much for your time, Lux! I look forward to watching Boinkology develop! Is there any last thing you’d like to say?

L: I think talking to young people about sex is a hugely important thing. What we learn about sex in our youth and adolescence can shape our identities for the rest of our lives — I’m very glad to know you’re out here helping parents have these conversations.

May blog

This post is written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen

The transition from high school to college can be a difficult one for both parents and teenagers. Although my transition will not be nearly the same since I have essentially lived in a supervised college setting for the last three years, I can understand the transition and the anxieties it may cause. Moving away from home to college is often the first chance that a teenager gets to live outside of their parents’ house and of course has many more freedoms than life at home. With these freedoms come freedom in sexuality, whether parents are ready for it or not.

Teenagers may suddenly discover that they can bring anyone back to their room, no questions asked. They can sleep with anyone they want whenever they want however they want. Their sexual outlook on life can change dramatically or only slightly, depending on how they were raised. I believe that if they are allowed the freedom to make their own sexual decisions while still in high school, they will be likely to remember to use a condom every time and less likely to make decisions they will regret. If they have not been allowed to make their own decisions when in high school, they will be less knowledgeable about the risks of unsafe sex and will be more likely to try it with the first person possible just because they can. I realize this is a vast over generalization and does not apply to lots of people. But I didn’t say this is how it would be, I just said it is more likely to be this way. And would you prefer that your teenager make mistakes at home or at college several hours away? Would you rather them be able to ask you about sexuality as they are experiencing it or just get their information from their peers in college. Obviously they are not always going to ask you even if you give them freedom in high school, but they are a lot more likely to then than later. That is my take on most people’s sexual transition from high school to college. Now for how mine will likely turn out.

Since I am already in a serious relationship, I doubt I will have the typical college sexual experience (as if there is such a thing). My relationship probably will not change much other than the fact that we will see each other all day long and we will be able to sleep together more often than we have been able to this past year. It will be nice because our relationship can be pretty rocky as a long distance situation. It is hard for us to both talk on the phone around busy schedules and homework, but when we can just be in the same room working together, we have no problems.

As always, feel free to email me at justanotherteen@gmail.com

How do you think relationships and a teens outlook on sex changes between high school and college?

Many adults - perhaps all adults? - look back on at least one thing they did in a relationship as a preteen, teenager, or young adult and are embarrassed. They regret their actions and the pain they caused someone they professed to care about.

My regret? I was in 9th grade, and dating a truly lovely young man who lived several hundred miles away. And one day I kissed a local boy. One time. I felt horrible, and immediately admitted to my 14 year old infidelity. (From my description you can tell I am continuing to beg: “Forgive me! I still feel badly about the pain I caused!”) Now I can look back and sigh at the pain I caused, and admire my young boyfriend for his forgiveness and continued friendship until we drifted apart just a few years ago.

However, five years after The Event, my new boyfriend (NB) become good friends with my old boyfriend’s best friend (BF). The BF could not get over my five-years-old kiss. He crucified me, in ways small and large, in front of me and behind my back, to my NB. The BF demanded that I give cause for my actions - answer the question: Why had I cheated?

I don’t really remember how I responded to his question at the time. And now as I think back on that kiss, I still don’t have a clear answer. I was young. I was immature. I was taken by the moment and did not fully appreciate the lovely young man who was my boyfriend.

But is that enough of an answer? It can’t erase, or even explain, the pain I caused.

At the risk of sounding too Sex In The City:

Is immaturity an answer to why we did things when we were young? Can our friends and lovers through the years expect a deeper answer from us?

And to apply that answer (or excuse) to those heroic young people who are currently teenagers: Should they be called upon to answer “Why?” of their social and emotional wrongs?

Or is it perhaps enough to admit wrong-doing, at any age, and to endeavor to learn from it?

What do you think?

When I was about 19, I had the following conversation with my grandfather (GF) and great-grandmother (GG) about my same-age cousin:

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GG: Well, your cousin just moved in with her boyfriend.

Me: Oh, that’s nice! Good for her.

GF: Yes.  She’s told us that she is sleeping in her own bedroom and he is sleeping in his own bedroom.

GG: And I just don’t know, but I think her parents actually believe her! But we all know that’s not really happening!

(GG and GF cackle delightedly.)

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I have to admit - I was astounded at this rather benign joke coming from several generations up. I had never talked about anything sexual with anyone older than my parents before - and even that was under duress.

But I’ve got grandparents on the mind today, because today is Grandparent’s Day at my daughter’s school. So we have quite a few grandparents in town - including that same grandfather - now great-grandfather.

Several months ago in one of my classes for parents on adolescent sexuality, I had a grandparent attend. He wanted to know how he could help his grandchildren learn about and process their sexual development. Specifically, his biggest question was this:

“If my grandchildren come to me with questions or advice about sexuality, am I morally required to tell their parent (i.e., my children) about our conversations?”

I had to think through that question for some time. It’s a good one. Generally I say that a non-parental adult needs to tell the parents of a teenager if the teenager comes to that non-parental adult to talk about sex. (Unless, of course, the parent has given the non-parent permission to have a confidential relationship with the teenager. Which is something I highly, highly recommend.)

But as I thought more in-depth on the issue, I do think that there are a few relationships that may allow a non-parental adult to choose to not inform the parents of on-going conversations about sex and sexuality. Here is my list of those relationships:

• siblings
• grandparents
• teachers
• church youth advisor/minister

There may be a few others, depending on the people involved.  So to all the grandparents (and great-grandparents) out there in Internet-land: Go talk with your grandchildren about sex!  It’ll be good for both of you.

However, before I head out, I want to point out that taking on a role of adult confidant of a teenager has serious, and imperative, responsibilities associated with it. I’ll expound on them sometime in the near future - right now I’m off to hang out with seven of my children’s grandparents and great-grandparents.  (There are four not in attendance - yes, my children do have too many grandparents, the lucky ducks!)

Today is Part 4 in this series on sex as a privilege for which there are responsibilities, and I will focus on the social responsibilities. You can read the introduction in part 1, the physical responsibilities in part 2, and the relational responsibilities in part 3.

(As a side note, I am in the process of preparing the syllabus for a graduate course I will be teaching at the University of Texas this summer, and am trying to resist the urge to sound professor like. Please excuse me if I fail.)

Sex in all it’s forms is generally considered a private act. And really, those who prefer sex to be a public act can generally be put aside, because it is often hard enough for a teenager to gather the courage to be sexual in front of their sex partner, much less strangers in a voyeuristic context.

Nevertheless, the sexual relationship that teenagers choose to enter - or choose not to enter - are often critical to their social spheres. And so it is a very delicate balancing act for a teenager between allowing it to be known that they are engaging sexually with someone or not. And while it may seem harmless enough at the time to mention last night’s hook-up to a best friend, the results can spin out of control far more quickly than one might imagine.

What this means is that teenager lovers and sex partners must come to an agreement about who else can know about a sexual relationship. With the understanding that everyone needs someone to talk with outside of a relationship, but that those people must be chosen with attention.

This responsibility can be summed up nicely this way: You have a responsibility to attend to the gossip and social harm that might come to your sexual partners due to your words.

Last week I wrote the first and the second parts of this series. I apologize for the longer-than-planned interlude before this, the third part!

Here is my position: Having sex with another person is a privilege, and with privilege comes responsibility. Hence, having sex with another person necessitates a level of responsibility both to that person and to yourself.

One commenter mentioned surprise that I used the word privilege to refer to sexuality - which she understands to be something inherent to our humanness, not a privilege. I agree. However, what I am talking about is the group of activities loosely categorized as “sex” as they happen between two or more people. And I do strongly believe that engaging with another person is a privilege, and that it requires responsibility.

In my first post, I outlined three levels of responsibility that sex requires: physical, relational, and social. In my second post, I described the physical responsibilities that come with sex. Today I’ll describe the relational, and tomorrow the social.

So what relational responsibilities come with having sex with someone? It means tending to the emotional relationship as well as the physical relationship. Here are some critical points:

1. Everyone involved has to actively want the sexual experience.
2. Everyone involved has to be on the same page about the meaning behind the sexual experience.
3. If someone is not in a state where they are able to make clear decisions because of drugs, alcohol, or emotional turmoil, don’t ask them to make sexual decisions.
4. If you have an STD/STI of any sort, you must disclose that before you get close enough that there is any chance of transmission.
5. If in doubt about someone’s desire, motives, or emotional or physical wellness, don’t have sex with them at that time.

I’ll be honest: I think this is fairly straight-forward stuff. But if these things were always self-evident to everyone, much would be different in this world. What that means is that teenagers need to learn these things as part of their sex education. There are lots of ways for teenagers to learn how to be relationally responsible sex partners, but probably the most common is through trial-and-error over time. But this method ends up with lots of people getting hurt until everyone has learned how to be sexually kind. I hope that you take the initiative, when you are talking about sex with teenagers, to provide guidance on how these teenagers can bring responsibility to their sexual relationships.

Yesterday I wrote the introduction to this series. Today I am writing about how talking with teenagers about sex as a privilege can lead to a discussion of responsibility to the physical aspects of a sexual relationship.

Once a teenager acknowledges that sexual activities are inherently different from non-sexual activities, the most obvious way to talk about these differences is the actual physicalness inherent in sexuality: sexual activities are inherently physically different from non-sexual activities and carry certain physical risks.

The question to ask:

“What responsibility does one have towards the physical well-being of one’s sexual partner(s)?”

Not many teenagers get asked this question, but I suspect that safe sex would be much more common if they were. This question could prove to be particularly revolutionary if teenagers responded by truly pondering the implications. While I generally suggest that adults keep their questioning to a bare minimum of one question, if the situation allows, I might try to slip in this second question into the conversation:

“What responsibility does one have towards the physical well-being of one’s own body, sexually speaking?”

I am sure that I never considered my responsibility towards my own physical, sexual health as a teenager, and I don’t think I ever overtly considered my responsibility towards my partner’s physical well-being.  What about you?  How did you conceptualize these issues as a teenager, or how have you guided your teenager in conceptualizing them?

On Friday I wrote about the importance of talking with teenagers about privilege vs. responsibility in sexual decision making. Here’s the first concrete step a parent or a teacher could ask a teenager to begin a conversation around this topic:

“How is hooking up with someone different from, say, playing a computer game with someone?”

This will, of course, lead to many different answers. Here are some:

• “I’m much more picky about who I hook up with than who I play computer games with.”
• “Hooking up can get you an STD.”
• “Hooking up can get you (or someone else) pregnant.”
• “Hooking up is more fun.”
• “You can play computer games with more than one person but you don’t usually hook up with more than one person at a time.”
• “Hooking up feels better than playing computer games.”

(If you’ve got other answers to that question, feel free to share them in the comments section!)

The parent or teacher can take almost any answer that the teenager gives and turn it into a supporting point for the deeper nature that being sexual with someone implies over non-sexual activities.

By acknowledging that sexuality is inherently different from the majority of activities that a teenager could potentially engage in, the doorway has been opened to talk about the inherently different responsibilities that come with it.

There are three areas of sexuality that stand out as needing bringing particular responsibilities with them: physical, relational, and social. We’ll talk about these three areas of responsibility and how to talk about them with teenagers over the rest of the week.

Yesterday I posted the first half of my interview with Sarah Dopp about her gender and sexual identity. We spoke about how she defines herself and how that has developed through her life and within her social networks. Today we talk about family.

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KR: Have you talked with your parents about your gender and sexual identity?

SD: Unfortunately, my dad died from a terminal illness before I was ready to talk to him about this stuff. I still wonder how those conversations would have gone. But my mom is incredible. We’ve talked so much about gender and sexuality, and every time we listen to each other, we both grow. She loves me deeply and she’s made a lot of space for me to be myself.

KR: How have those conversations gone?

SD: Now? They’re wonderful. But I’ll be honest — it’s taken a lot of work to get here. When I was fifteen and I had my first girlfriend, my mother asked me if I was a lesbian. I told her I thought I was bisexual, and she responded, “Bisexuality is bullshit.” That comment hurt me so much deeper than she intended it to. I became convinced that she’d never understand me, and I closed off the conversation for seven years after that. Later, she approached me about it again and started asking questions with openness and acceptance. Our conversations became messy and difficult, but they were always full of love, and we talked ourselves into a more healthy relationship. Her insistence on loving me exactly as I am has made it possible for me to feel comfortable in my skin today. I don’t know where I’d be without her.

KR: What about your extended family? Coming out to parents is often stressful to teenagers and young adults, but coming out to siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc can be much harder or much easier depending on the circumstances. How have those conversations gone for you?

SD: Yeah, that’s a hard one. My extended family is big and scattered. Half of them are liberal and half of them are conservative. But they all love me. Most of them have accepted that I’m ambiguously different and generally prefer not to talk about it. I’ve come out to almost all of them in one way or another — usually in the least confrontational way possible — and I’m giving them space to make sense of it. What matters most to them is who I’m going to bring home for Christmas. If I start seeing a man, then they’ll think of me as straight. If I take a female partner, then they’ll think of me as a lesbian. They just want to be happy, and in their eyes, happiness is a healthy marriage. I might never get married, but I’m not asking them to accept that right now. I’m just grateful to have a family that loves me, and I try not to mess with their heads too much. (It helps that I live on the other side of the country.)

KR: What is the best possible reaction a parent could have when their teenager or young adult child comes out as gay or bisexual? Why?

SD: Trust them to know themselves better than you can know them, and accept whatever they tell you as their truth. Even if it changes, it’s still their truth. Try to think of gender and sexuality as fluid things — they can change and evolve and that’s okay. Try not to get attached to labels. Check in with yourself, and ask yourself honestly if you love and accept your child exactly as they are. If you do, then communicate that to them every time you interact with them, and tell them it’s important to you that they love themselves. But if something about your child’s identity feels wrong or unfortunate or misguided to you, consider the possibility that you’re hearing from some of your own baggage, and that you don’t need to pass that onto your child. Find an LGBT-friendly cognitive-behavioral therapist for yourself (before you find one for your kid), and work through the parts of your reactions that feel blocked. And spend some time getting educated. Read books on the subject, or find someone who specializes in educating parents about adolescent sexuality. I happen to know a great one in Austin.

KR: What is the worst possible reaction a parent could have when their teenager or young adult child comes out as gay or bisexual? Why?

SD: LGBT youth have a frighteningly high suicide rate, so I have a very firm belief on this one: If you withhold love, acceptance, or privileges from your child in ANY WAY as a result of their gender or sexuality, you are putting their life at risk. You DO NOT have the power to change them, but you do have the power to influence their desire to live. It’s a hard and real truth. Take this responsibility very seriously.

KR: Thank you so much, Sarah! I think your insights have much to add to the conversation and to support parents of current questioning teenagers and young adults. Any last words you want to leave us with?

SD: Wow, I ended up going down some pretty serious paths there, didn’t I? That feels strange because my life is usually pretty joyful these days. I think it’s important to remember that there are as many different genders and sexualities as there are people in the world. The labels we use are just a short-hand for describing patterns, and sometimes they don’t cover everything. I believe in the inherent worth of all individuals, and I believe there’s no such thing as “too much love.” And also… when we learn to relax our grip on the categories, I’ve found that life becomes a whole lot more fun.

I recently met the delightful 24-year-old Sarah Dopp. Sarah’s understanding of gender and sexuality has developed over the years into a delicate balancing act between male and female, gay and straight. Sarah generously agreed to an interview to provide some insight into the path of defining sexuality when the standard road maps don’t make sense.

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KR: Sarah, can you introduce yourself a little? What would you say in an internet dating ad?

SD: [chuckles] The title of my most recent dating ad was “Androgynous Queer Girl seeks Androgynous Queer Boy.” Inside, it said, “I’m looking for someone to go on adventures with. Someone who knows how to laugh at the line-painters and make forts out of the boxes with sticks and sheets.” I guess you could say I’m playful.

I’m 5′10″ and I have a shaved head. I’m built like a man from the knees down and the shoulder blades up, but the middle of my body is made up of a woman’s curves. If I’m dressing down, my clothes are gender-neutral. If I’m dressing up, I mix and match feminine and masculine clothes and accessories until I feel like I’ve struck a perfect balance. I happen to be single right now, and my dates cover the spectrum of gender pretty thoroughly — from manly men to feminine women to transgendered people and androgynous folk. There are so many flavors of beauty in the world.

KR: How do you define your gender and your sexuality? Can you explain how that plays out in “real life” terms?

SD: I identify as queer. The word resonates with me and seems to describe both my gender and my sexuality, which are two separate things. I understand that a lot of people are still uncomfortable with that word, though, so I try to be flexible. You can call me bisexual or androgynous, and I’ll believe you understand who I am. If you live in a world where there are only two categories for gender or sexuality, you can put me in whichever one feels most comfortable to you. I usually won’t argue.

How does this play out in real life? It’s interesting. I get called “sir” a lot in public, but everyone who knows me understands that I’m female. Most people assume I’m a lesbian except for the men I date, and they’re often convinced that I’m straight. I’ve learned to stop taking it all personally and to go just go with the flow.

KR: So you’re single now, but have been in relationships with both men and women. Tell me a little bit about how your relationships have gone. Would you say that once you’re in a relationship that it follows a relatively standard path - something that would be familiar to most people?

SD: I’ve had several long-term relationships that were standard enough to make everyone in my family breathe a sigh of relief. There’s a sense that I’ll become more “normal” — or at least fit categories better — if I’m in a stable relationship, because it’s easier for people to understand. But I’ve also been in relationships where we both intentionally agreed to be non-monogamous or nontraditional in some way, and where that turned out to be a healthy arrangement for both of us. Those relationships are much harder to explain to the outside world.

KR: When did you first start feeling different from the standard girl?

SD: My mother has told me she suspected I was gay from the time I was six, but I don’t think I felt different until middle school, when all of a sudden “being pretty” mattered to everyone I knew. That’s when I noticed I was awkward. Really really awkward. That’s all I could understand at the time.

KR: How do feel your teen years were affected by your orientation? Did you acknowledge your difference or not?

SD: My orientation confused the heck out of me. I had crushes on boys, so that meant I wasn’t a lesbian. But sometimes I had crushes on girls, too, and I sort of looked like a lesbian, so that must have meant I wasn’t straight. I wasn’t taught that there were more than two categories for these things, and I really thought I was doomed to feel “invalid” for my entire life. To top it all off, the first boy I had a crush on turned out to be gay, and my first girlfriend later transitioned to male. The most I could really do was acknowledge that I was “weird” and embrace that.

KR: Do you think your peers were aware of the difference? If so, how did they react?

SD: Yep. They knew me as the “weird” kid, too. In middle school, I was the butt of way too many jokes, and I’m still surprised sometimes that I made it out alive. I became so severely depressed that I actually attempted suicide my first year of high school. After that, my life shifted, though. My weirdness morphed into some strange kind of social charisma, and people started to tell me that they envied me. I was different, I knew it, and I embraced it. Turns out, that’s what everyone else in high school wants to do, too.

KR: And what about your peers, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances these days? How do they generally react upon meeting you, and as they get to know you and your gender and sexual identity more intimately?

SD: Well, the whole “shaved head” thing seems to put my queerness out on the table before we have a chance to discuss it. People either make assumptions about me (which are sometimes wrong) or they start asking questions right away. I’m a friendly person who genuinely likes people, so I think people feel at ease around me even if they’ve never talked to a queer person before. When they begin to learn more about me, I find that they can either accept my “middle grounds” or they can’t. If they can’t, it’s because of their belief system, and that has nothing to do with me. They’re usually still polite about it.

KR: Is there anything more you’d like to say about how you define yourself in these terms or how that has impacted your peer or romantic relationships?

SD: In some ways, my queerness makes my world very big — I can shift my appearance to meet people’s expectations, and nearly every friend has the potential to make me fall in love with them. But in other ways, my world is very small. I know there are other people out there like me, and too many of them are hiding in shame.

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Tomorrow Sarah and I continue our interview, with Sarah speaking more directly to her family.