Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Dove Commercial

Dear Dove,

This commercial sucks.

I know you think you’re all cool and whatever because you’re supposed to be standing up for girls, but you’ve missed the boat here by a wide margin. In fact, rather than supporting girls’ movement towards “Real Beauty,” you’ve gone in the exact opposite direction.

And what makes this so surprising and somewhat shameful (for you, that is), is that you’ve gone to some lengths to inform people - like me - of this crappy commercial. Two weeks ago I got an e-mail from someone in your organization that said this: “As a key partner in our efforts to widen society’s stereotypical view of beauty, we wanted you to be the first to learn of the new self-esteem building programming we plan to roll out later this year…Last week, a new Dove ad, titled “Under Pressure,” will help kick off the next phase of the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty.” So apparently you think this is actually a good commercial! You’re proud of it! It’s not just something to mindlessly fill the airwaves with, but something you hope will…what, go viral?

So because I never want it to be said that I mindlessly slam something without a critical analysis, I’m going to take the time to say why this commercial shouldn’t be connected with anything related to improving girls’ self esteem:

1. Common, the redhead is stereotypically beautiful. Sure, she’s not professionally made-up in the same way that the blonde is, but she’s skinny, she’s got great hair and clear skin. Give me a break!

2. The phrase “But she’s just as beautiful…” is degrading and feeds directly into the self-image problem that girls have. If Dove had left out the words “But” and “just as” they might have had a decent sentence: “She is beautiful.”

3. I’m confused about what this commercial is supposed to be selling. Because what on earth does “Cream Oil Body Wash” have to do with anything else in this video? Does the redhead use it or the blonde? Can anyone even explain this to me??

Now, one small kudos - I like the lesbians. True, they’re an outrageously stereotypical, male-oriented image of lesbians, but nevertheless. It’s good to see female couples in mass media.

So, to sum it up, Dove, you’ve missed the ballpark here. You need to either suck it up and acknowledge that you’re just another company looking to sell body products, or you need to actually walk your talk. Make a decision. Because right now your hypocrisy is just pissing me off.

Love,
Dr. Karen

I was delighted to read this article in such a “popular” magazine as Time:

Where the ‘Ladyboys’ Are

Monday, July 7th, 2008

By Hannah Beech

Life can be complicated enough for members of the transgender community — the last thing they need is to hesitate between two bathroom doors: Male or female. Luckily for students at the Kampang high school in rural northern Thailand, there’s now a third option. Introduced in May, the symbol on this bathroom door is of a human figure divided vertically, with the blue side wearing pants and the red side sporting a skirt. The Kampang school’s principal says he decided to build the new bathroom after a poll found that nearly 10% of the school’s 2,500 students identify themselves as transgendered.

Buddhist-majority Thailand displays what may be the world’s most tolerant attitude toward what locals call kathoey, loosely translated as “ladyboys.” The term, which does not have an exact counterpart in English, refers to people who are born male but, as one Thai saying goes, “have a female heart.” Kathoeys include everyone from occasional cross-dressers to those who have completed gender-reassignment surgery.

Although kathoeys do face some stigma and bureaucratic hurdles in Thailand — even those who have undergone sex-change operations, for example, are still listed as men on their national I.D. cards — they are also a normal and visible part of society. A Bangkok travel agency I use is staffed by kathoeys, and a cashier at my local grocery store is rapidly transitioning toward womanhood. One of the Immigration Department officers who helped me renew my work visa last year had both an adam’s-apple and lavish mascara. Kathoeys star on T.V. soap operas and grace the catwalks, while an all- kathoey pop group called the Venus Flytrap plies the airwaves. Notable kathoey athletes include a kickboxing champion, who liked to plant kisses on her vanquished opponents, and a volleyball team dubbed the Iron Ladies that won a national championship in the mid-90s.

The Kampang school isn’t the first one to accommodate its kathoey pupils. Several years ago, a technical college in the northern Thai city of Chiang Mai unveiled what it called “pink lotus” bathrooms, reserved for kathoeys. Now, Thailand’s Education Ministry is considering whether to introduce similar bathrooms and dormitories on the university level, even though many colleges require “ladyboys” to wear male clothing on campus. (For the most part, kathoey students can, however, choose feminine hairstyles and wear jewelry, nail polish and makeup.)

Some kathoeys say they don’t need specially designated bathrooms, arguing they should be able to use either male or female toilets. Others would rather educational funds go to combating stereotypes that the only jobs kathoeys can expect to excel in are in the beauty or entertainment — read sex — industries. Certainly, career prejudice is a lingering problem: one Thai teachers’ college, for instance, refuses to enroll kathoeys. Nevertheless, Thailand is a far more open-minded place than even the United States. And the tolerance isn’t just a liberal, urban phenomenon. Kathoey beauty pageants are popular in Thai villages; the Kampang school is located in one of Thailand’s poorest and most rural regions. As one Thai hill-tribe creation myth goes, in the beginning, there were three sexes: female, male and an intertwining of the two — just like the image on the Kampang bathroom door.

Unlike Phoebe’s Smelly Cat, the Skinny Cat goes beyond noxious and strays into the problematic.

This weekend we were hanging out with my daughter’s 6-year-old friend, who we’ll call Jane because that’s shorter and faster to type than her actual name.  We’re close to Jane’s whole family, and always have a lovely time together.  This weekend, Jane had a little stuffed cat with her.  She ran around with the cat tucked under her arm, nothing special or unusual.  I probably wouldn’t have even noticed the damn cat except as we were leaving:

Jane (squeezes the cat’s middle section as tightly as she can): Look!  My cat is skinny and pretty.

Robert: Hmm.  Looks more like the cat is hurting.

Jane (sucks her tummy way in and squeezes her hands around her tummy): Look!  Now I’m skinny and pretty too!

Hence the entrance of Skinny Cat into our lives and into my psyche.   So what’s the deal here?  Jane clearly has the impression that skinny is better than normal - even if you have to stop breathing to achieve it.

My immediate reaction?  Let’s play the Blame Game!  Here are some prime suspects on my list:

• Jane’s mother
• Jane’s father
• Jane’s brother
• Jane’s grandparents
• Jane’s friends
• Jane’s friends’ parents
• Jane’s culture
• Jane’s dog
• oh, wait, Jane doesn’t have a dog any more.

And then I remember: Oh, wait, I don’t care who’s to blame.  But I do care, and very deeply because of my personal relationship with Jane, what each of those people is doing about Jane’s compulsion for…Skinny Cat.  (Followed shortly by Skinny Jane.)

I’m a vocal creature when it comes to talking about thinks like body image and sex.  (HA!  Who’d have thought, yes?)  But everyone else needs to be too.  I can only be in so many places at a time, but I am needed in so many, many more!  Like, for example, each and every time a 6-year-old turns another stuffed cat towards anorexia.  Nervously shuffling your feet and not responding to the child, not opening up a conversation about body image and body type and beauty is what keeps these stereotypes going.  Hoping it’s just a phase, that the child will outgrow it, is to ignore the heavy weight of this thinness-obsessed culture that we live in.

So here are the people you should be talking with about body image every time there is an opening:

• Your parents, your children
• Your brothers and sisters
• Your nieces and nephews
• Your grandparents, your grandchildren
• Your friends, your friends children
• Your culture
• Your dog.  Yes, especially your dog.

Because it is through conversation and critique and openness that our society can kick our addition to Thin and Young firmly to the curb.

ABC Family (that would not be your standard-fare ABC, this is a cable channel) has a new show whose “WORLD PREMIER” (oh, please) is tonight: The Secret Life of the American Teenager. It’s about a high school student who gets pregnant.

My initial thoughts: Oh, please. Yes, Juno made a lot of money. But that doesn’t mean that the networks (or even the network “subsidiaries”) can be anywhere near as relevant, snarky, or non-judgemental as Diablo Cody. Which means you probably suck.

But I said to myself, “Dr. Karen, you’ve got to give this a chance. Who knows? Maybe it’s the new Freaks and Geeks!” And then I laughed at my own little joke until I fell off the couch. Because of course nothing could portray teenagers as well as either Juno OR Freaks and Geeks, and even attempting to puts the creators in such a laughable place that it makes me fall off couches.

But hey, it’s my job to stay on top of things like this, so I prepared myself for five minutes of crap and went to take a look at their little trailer.  And here’s the stunning thing: It wasn’t so bad.  After the five minute trailer, I am willing to watch at least one episode of the show.

So according to this very little, tiny “teaser” about this show, here’s what they got right:

• Pregnant Girl isn’t a bad-girl-slut who finds her way, she’s a band nerd who doesn’t know what she’s doing.
• Pregnant Girl and her two friends seem, on first glance, to be pretty real.  This is a huge accomplishment.  I hope it holds up to the test of another 38 minutes of screen time.

And here’s what they got wrong:

• Pregnant Girl got pregnant after having sex for the first time.  I’m sorry, that’s so Juno.
• The dad is a boob.  This has been done and re-done and over-done far too often for anything good to possibly come of it.  I’m exhausted by stupid-TV-dads.  (Yes, even the one in Freaks and Geeks.)

I’m dubious (they are, after all, only 2-for-2 here).  And here’s my raging question:

What happens when Pregnant Girl gives birth?

Do they have a shitty show and not let her go past 6 or 7 months pregnant, forever living with an-unnamed alien in her tummy?  Do they jump the shark and bring a baby into the show, and Pregnant Girl becomes Mommy Girl?  Do they bite the bullet and end what might be a popular show?  This plot set up is time-limited, and I’m dubious that they’ll do the right thing and end it when it should end.

Like I said: I’m willing to watch the first episode.  Except that I can’t.  I don’t have ABC Family.  Anyone want to Tivo it for me and invite me over?

MTV has a new initiative to reduce HIV transmission. A worthy cause to support an interesting initiative. Anyone can call Stand By What You Say and record a short message. A nifty little software called SpinVox turns your message into text, which is then posted on the homepage.  Everyone who contributes is asked to give a small donation.

It’s being billed as a blog of sorts, but it’s not really a blog in the normal sense of a blog, because there are potentially millions of contributors.  But the focus of everyones contribution is supposed to be about sex - and the site is supposed to be an outlet for supportive safe sex.

So far there are only a handful of contributions on the first topic (sex secrets).  But I am honestly surprised by the quality of the messages and the supportive nature of the comments so far.  Maybe this is because the service has gotten more calls from the UK than the US so far?  (There are also numbers to call if you’re in Canada, Spain, France, Germany, and Ireland.)

This seems like the sort of thing that could really take off and be wildly popular, or the sort of thing that could languish in the section of the Internet labeled “Boring and Unused.”

I called Stand By What You Say, along with a friend, but my post hasn’t shown up on the homepage yet.  Maybe I’ll let you know when it does.  I’d love to hear from others who call and leave a message.  How do you feel about the experience?

I have been thinking a lot about virginity recently.

A sex ed teacher recently asked me how I would respond to a 6th grade girl who asked for the definition of “virgin.” Does “virgin” apply to those who have done a wide range of sexual activities, but have not engaged in penile-vaginal intercourse? Or can “virgin” only apply to those who have not engaged in oral, anal, manual, or missionary-position, heterosexual sex? The essence of her question seemed to be, “Would Monica Lewinsky still be a virgin?” This teacher and her co-teacher disagreed on the answer to the Monica Lewinsky question, and they wanted my professional thoughts so they could present a unified front to the young girl who originally asked the question.

I essentially rejected the basis of the question.

This is a question I get a lot - I get it from parents, from children, from teenagers, from teachers, from grandparents, from non-parent-single-people. Everyone seems to want to know: What is a virgin?

But rather than answering, weighing in on this ridiculous point that carries such extreme emotional weight, I encourage the asker to look inwards and to try and identify why they want to know what sexual acts a virgin-no-longer-makes.

The answer is always this: “I want to know if _________ is still a virgin.” Please feel free to fill in the blank with whomever you so choose. Some of the more common fill-in-the-blank people include: me as I am, me as I once was, my best friend, my boyfriend, my child, my student, my grandchild.

And I scratch my head and ask: “Do you know what sexual acts they have done? Because if you don’t know, then having a definition of virginity won’t help you. If you do know, then why does it matter whether those acts can be defined as virginal?”

Or maybe they want to know the Official Definition for Virgin because one of those people told them “I am a virgin.” But if you have to head for a sex expert for the real definition of virgin, then the likelihood is that the person who said it didn’t know either. So it still won’t help if I give you the definitive definition.

And all of this conversation about virginity brings to mind the very yucky side of a strict definition of virginity, like hymenoplasty (hymen restoration surgery). Judith Warner wrote a fabulous piece about just this thing recently for the New York Times. Here is a quote:

“But there is nonetheless a kind of horror to [fathers who attend Purity Balls with their daughters] obsession with their daughters’ sexuality. There is a dangerous boundary violation contained in their vow “before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity.” And there is even greater danger to the fact that this particular aspect of the nationwide “abstinence movement” has not been broadly denounced as the form of emotional violence against girls that it indisputably is.”

Warner is basically saying, as I have said in circumspect ways to parents, teachers, teenagers: “Who gives a shit?”

Why do you or anyone else care who is a virgin? Why does this single word have so much power over you? I won’t define the word for you, because I reject the word itself. And so should you.

Sex ed by text message. Of course it happened first in San Francisco, where they’re serious about getting sex education messages out, in any medium possible.

The moral of this story is: Want to talk to your teenager? Do it in the medium she or he uses most. For many teenagers that’s text message.

But maybe it’s not text message. Maybe it’s the cell phone, or Internet-based chat, or e-mail.

Or maybe the medium isn’t as important to your teenager as the primary content of the conversation. In that case, talk about whatever interests your teenager - movies, video games, books, horses, football, anime, whatever!

The point is that in order to reach and effectively interact with your teen on any subject, you have to do it on his or her turf. Trust me.

Ah, good ole Texas. Always a great place for scandals like this one. So here’s what happened: A senior named Marche Taylor wore a really skimpy dress and was denied entrance to her prom based on it. And yes, it is really, really skimpy. So I get where the prom sponsor was coming from when she told Marche that her dress was too skimpy. But Marche offered to wind her train up and around her torso - and that really should have made it okay. Instead, “voices were raised” and the cops were called and escorted this loud, scantily clad girl off the Sugarland Marriott premises. Honestly, I don’t see what the big freaking deal is.

So here’s where the conversation about this one random girl near Houston, the stinky armpit of Texas, turns into a conversation about the state of our country’s obsession with adolescent bodies and adolescent sexuality. In fact, I wonder if this is even news worthy just because of the recent Miley Cyrus fiasco? Or maybe it’s because silly things like this suddenly go viral on the Internet and out of nowhere everyone knows who Marche Taylor is and that her prom sponsor accused her of not wearing underwear to her prom (Marche says she was).

But really, I think people pay attention to things like this because they get to look at a teenage girl’s body. We are, as a culture, both obsessed and repelled by teenage girls ‘bodies. We want them to be shown off and considered sexy in the right ways (like your standard prom dress or a bikini on the beach) but not in the wrong ways (like Marche or Miley). But teenage girls are never really given a good, solid list of guidelines and what’s appropriate can change far too quickly for the average teenage girl to be expected to keep up.

Let’s get back to that liking to look at teenage girls’ bodies. When we see a news show, or read a blog post (unless it’s this one), or read a newspaper article about a scantily clad 17 year old, the man - the publisher - knows that eyeballs will be had in great droves because people like to look at 17 year old’s bodies. And I’m fed up with it.

As a society, we honor and love youth - particularly the fabulous body part of youth.

But then at the same time we slam (a) a teenager’s too-sexy choice in photo arrangements or (b) a teenager’s too-sexy choice in prom dress.

We can’t do both, folks. It just screws with girl’s minds and makes them obsess at a highly unhealthy level about their body - because they’ll either be considered stodgy and not sexy enough or too slutty and too sexy. The middle ground is a very, very narrow tightrope. So let’s all just breathe. And stop it with the obsession about teenager’s bodies.

I am going to see a film today called The Education of Shelby Knox.  I’m looking forward to it - it looks like a great movie - but it’s particularly exciting because Shelby Knox herself will actually be there!  Here’s a short description from IMDB:

 A 15-year-old girl’s transformation from conservative Southern Baptist to liberal Christian and ardent feminist parallels her fight for sex education and gay rights in Lubbock, Texas.

If you’re local, and you’d like to join me at the screening at UT early this evening, it runs from 4 to 6 at the Union Theater, and both the entrance and the pizza will be free!  You can find out more particulars on the event’s Facebook page.  I’ll have a review for you tomorrow - but I’d rather see you there!

Every March there are op-ed pieces, well researched articles, numerous blog posts, and general conversation about the horror that Spring Break has become. These articles describe a picture of heavy drinking and outrageous sexual extravagance by young women for the viewing pleasure (and later the direct physical pleasure) of young men.

This year, the L.A. Times has a piece called Raunch is Rebranded as Confidence by Meghan Daum. This Spring Break piece is more thoughtful than most - rather than simply listing the licentious activities taking place in Cancun, etc, this month, this article follows that up with a (short) discussion of feminine value, or worth, and how these Spring-Break-going young women find confidence. Namely, according to Daum, they determine their self worth by how sexually appealing they are found to be during Spring Break. This is a bleak outlook on America’s young women.

Spring Break here in Austin is really no better, even if the participants are generally somewhat older. We are the yearly host of the SXSW music festival during Spring Break, and the debauchery runs high (although it probably has a better sound track than Cancun). There is enough sex and drugs and alcohol to make any Cancun follower beam with recognition.

So, as a parent, what to do? Well, here’s my thought: Say no. High School aged teens have no business going with their peers and no chaperon on a Spring Break trip to a party location. And there’s certainly no reason for parents to bankroll a child’s trip to party the week away, regardless of the age of the child.

However, if the kid’s in college, and uses his/her own money, well, that is what it is: an adult making a decision you don’t agree with. Feel free to ask honest, open-ended questions about the trip and safety measures. (What do you plan on doing? Who will be going with you? Do you have someone designated to stay sober and take care of the folks who aren’t? Are you taking condoms?)

If your opinion is asked, feel free to express some concern - but do it lightly. Children, regardless of their age, hear parental opinion expressed as a shrill scream, even when it comes as a whisper. There’s no need to augment that unfortunate tendency.

If you do get a chance to express some concern, be sure to mention the high correlation between alcohol and regretted sexual experiences. Again - mention it lightly, it might feel like you’re saying it almost in passing. Ask if your child would like to talk more about it, and let it go if they say no. Don’t try to hammer the point home - know that just by bringing it up, you’ve already done that.