Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

So there is a lot I want to write about today - The Education of Shelby Knox, which I saw last night and heard Shelby speak afterwards, the Miley Cyrus debacle, the Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASAs) who are working on the FLDS case, and the hearings on the effectiveness of abstinence-only-until-marriage “sex education” to name four of the top of my head. Regrettably, time is short and my children are sick. So I am going to restrain myself to raving about The Education of Shelby Knox. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow (or the next day, or the next) for the rest. But never fear, gentle readers, I will get to all these pressing topics soon!

The Education of Shelby Knox chronicles a high school student’s search for religious truth and meaning while working tirelessly towards the goal of comprehensive sex education for high school students in Lubbock, Texas. It’s a great movie, with a mixture of funny and emotional moments that’s hard to come by in a documentary. I highly recommend it as a great watch!

I do wonder, though, at the effect on Shelby of having her adolescent life spread rather copiously in the public view. This is somewhat different from the standard teenage starlet, because it’s an actual documentary of Shelby’s actual life over three years. Several blog posts ago, the conversation arose about what’s appropriate for teenagers to have put out there in this very information and media saturated world - naked pictures? a documentary about their life? - before their cognitive processes and judgement have developed to the point where the State deems them able to make full decisions (i.e., either 18 or 21, depending on your perspective).

Shelby herself appears to have flourished in the wake of the documentary, and is now working as a consultant across the country on supporting and expanding comprehensive sex education.

Yesterday I put forward what I have been able to gather about the FLDS events in San Angelo, Texas. I asked for readers’ opinions about the events, and the comments were particularly impassioned and came from radically different points of view. I said I would write today about my opinions and interpretations of the events. I acknowledge that some of yesterday’s commenters, and everyone who agrees with their perspective, are going to disagree with me. There’s no way around that. But I still feel compelled to outline my reaction.

First, I want to point out that it seems that if you (1) distrust the media and/or (2) distrust the state of Texas, you’re going to be inclined to think a horrible thing has been done here. On the other hand, if you’re inclined to (1) trust the media and/or (2) trust the state of Texas, you’re going to be inclined to think that justice is in the process of being served.

So where do I stand on the general trustworthiness of the media and the state?

I believe the media is tied to advertisers - and is really only interested in gathering eyes for the advertisers rather than actually conveying relevant and important information. So I think they over-state and sensationalize everything to increase viewers. But there is generally a grain of truth if you dig hard enough.

I believe the state generally, and the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services specifically, are made up of hardworking people who are dedicated to doing the best they can to keep children safe. However, these people are generally over-worked, under-paid, and do incredibly hard work. So they absolutely make mistakes, including occasionally over-reacting or under-reacting.

And here’s a bedrock belief that I think guides everything else: Marrying young girls to much older men to produce babies is wrong. This is a form of gender-based slavery (rather than ethnicity-based slavery), and it is wrong. Is it wrong if the FLDS’ religious doctrine tells someone to do it? Yes. Is it wrong if Muslim doctrine tells someone to do it? Yes. Is it wrong even if it was the norm 1500 years ago? Yes.

Was the FLDS compound marrying young girls to much older men to produce babies? All indications suggest that at least some parts of the community were. And that has to be stopped.

Because of the world we live in, it’s most likely the state who is going to step in and demand that the FLDS give their girls enough time to grow up before they become wives and mothers. Is that ideal? No, of course not. But the children must be kept emotionally, developmentally, and sexually safe while it is determined whether and under what conditions they can be reunited with their families.

But here is where I am at a loss. The children who have been taken from the FLDS compound have lived very - extremely - sheltered lives. The foster care system is absolutely not in any way the place for them to live. But where else to go? Not home - not to foster care. This is where my grief at the situation reaches the place where I circle back on myself, not knowing where to turn.

These children need quiet, attentive homes where the daily rhythms are as close as possible to what they have known all of their lives to live in until they are (hopefully) able to go back to their families with an action plan in place. I called the Texas foster care hotline this morning to see if there was a way to become a foster placement for these children. But there is not. I understand - they certainly wouldn’t want to fast track individuals simply to meet the needs of these children because they would inevitably approve people who should not be approved. But nevertheless, this is an extraordinary situation. And I hope the state rises to extraordinary heights meet the needs of these children.

There is so much to talk about in this case - feel free to ask me questions in the comments section and I’ll try to answer as thoughtfully and fully as I can.

I have been thinking, reading, and speaking with more people about the heartrendingly painful events taking place here in Texas. 416 children from a Fundamentalist Church of Later Day Saints (FLDS) ranch were taken into state custody just over two weeks ago. This point everyone agrees on. Almost everything else, it seems, have people disagreeing.

There are some groups, including the ACLU, who see this as a civil rights issue - the freedom (or state imposed lack-thereof) to practice religion.

There are other groups who couch the issue purely in terms of sexual abuse against teenage girls.

There are more and less sensationalistic reports about various aspects of the events.

So after reading what I could, and talking those who know how child abuse cases in Texas go, and thinking about the myriad issues, here is how I see the facts of things:

There are essentially three positions here: the state, the parents, and the children.

The state lawyers are alleging that FLDS pre-teen and teenage girls are put into arranged spiritual marriages with much older men when they are younger than is legally allowed by the state (16 years old here in Texas). There may be girls as young as 8 or 9 who are married, although the state suggests that most of the marriages happen between 12 and 14. These young girls are told that their greatest gift is to produce as many children as possible for their husbands.  The lawyers for the state say that girls this young having sex with adult men, regardless of their marital status, is statutory rape and sexual abuse.

The parents (mostly the mothers) and their lawyers state that the FLDS group is a tightly knit, loving community of families and that there is no abuse of any kind happening on their ranch.  From what I have been able to gather, they have said as little as possible about what ages they allow their daughters to marry and have children.

The children want to go home.

Today I will continue to process these thoughts, read the thoughts of others, and talk with people I think will have additional insights.  I’ll gather my thoughts and reactions and opinions for tomorrow.

In the meantime, what do you think about the FLDS events here in Texas?

I am delighted to have been interviewed by Boinkology recently. Go take a read and read my (rather lengthy) answers to these questions:

• What got you interested in adolescent sexuality?
• In your writing, you stress the importance of parents talking to their kids about sex. Does it matter how parents address the topic, or is just bringing it up for discussion enough?
• When should parents start talking to their kids about sex? What kinds of messages should young children be given about sex and sexuality?
• If you could design a sex ed curriculum for America’s public schools, what would it look like?
• What’s the most common mistake parents make when talking (or not talking) to their kids about sex?
• In your opinion, has the Internet had an effect on how — and what — kids learn about sex?
• What’s the most important sex advice you can give someone?

Thanks so much to Lux for taking the time to talk with me! I look forward to catching up with her sometime soon, and picking her brain for an interview here.

There are lots of good things on Boinkology (in addition to me, of course), including a post from yesterday titled: Yes, You Tell Your Partners About Your STIs. This is just good, basic sexual protocol for teenagers to know, and it’s often easier for them to read it on-line rather than have their parent tell them - so go ahead and forward them that link. The comments are also interesting because they give a bit of a view into realistic expectations about STI prevention among young adults.

In other news, an incredibly brave and strong 8-year-old girl from Yemen filed a suit against her father for marrying her off to a 30 year old man. She showed up in court alone because she couldn’t find anyone who would agree to take her. Wow, what fabulous gumption!

And, finally, the Washington Post has done a relatively decent job of introducing the difficulties of talking with your kids and teenagers about sex in a world full of sexual mixed messages, ambiguity, and scientific amazement.

In the days since the initial police raid on the Jesus Christ Church of Later Day Saints (i.e., Mormon) ranch in west Texas, there has been and continues to be a whirlwind of news coverage.   There were many young girls forced to marry older men, and then forced to have sex with them.  The police picked up hundreds of children from the ranch, and hundreds of women choose to leave with them as well.  It’s a horrible scenario from start to finish.  I hope the police and various officials who are trying to sort out the mess are doing so conscientiously and with attention to the children and teenagers’ emotional state as well as their physical one.

The most up-to-date information on the case can be found here.

The Oklahoma Court of Criminal Appeals ruled that a man taking a picture up the inside of a 16-year-old girl’s skirt in public is not illegal.  How is this even possible?  Apparently he was charged as a Peeping Tom - and apparently that law only applies to places where someone can reasonably claim privacy - their home, the bathroom, etc.  Okay, okay, fine.  But what about taking pictures of a 16-year-old’s vagina?  Last time I checked that was illegal regardless of whether the 16-year-old knew about it or not!

Hi Folks,

I was up far too late watching the presidential nomination results come in from my native Texas and our cold sister to the north, Ohio.

I must say, I am generally delighted by the two democratic candidates, and will ultimately be pleased by either of them. I am somewhat disappointed that both campaigns are beginning to use more below-the-belt comments. I hope that, as it becomes increasingly obvious that both candidates have dedicated and passionate followers, and are approximately evenly split across the nation, that both the Clinton and Obama campaigns finish this primary season with passion, honesty, and above all graciousness.

So please pardon me today - I’m going back to bed!

RH Reality Check has a recent post about two teenagers in Iowa working for comprehensive sex education. They are encouraging Iowa to reject Abstinence-only funding from the federal government. Here’s a portion of the post:

It isn’t unusual for Iowa high school students Stacey Hoch and Venessa McDole, both peer advisors, to speak with their classmates about sensitive subjects. Thursday morning, however, they took their advocacy one step further by speaking in front of policymakers at a meeting hosted in Des Moines by FutureNet, an Iowa network for adolescent pregnancy prevention, parenting and sexual health. The goal of their talk was to request that Iowa youth be given adequate information to make informed personal decisions about sexual activity.

“[It was important to come today] just so we could keep adults informed,” McDole, a junior at North High School in Des Moines, said. “There just aren’t very many teen voices. We don’t have a voice in the community. We don’t have a voice for anything. Adults go and make decisions for us. So, coming here gives us a voice.”

Hoch, a senior at Scavo High School in Des Moines, nodded her head as McDole spoke about the importance of allowing Iowa’s youth a voice in the sex education policies that affect them.

“Also, there is so much more than just teen pregnancy prevention,” Hoch said. “We also need to pay attention to sexually transmitted infection [STI] prevention. That’s something that abstinence-only sexual education doesn’t really cover, because it doesn’t cover anything except ‘be abstinent.’ It’s important for [Iowa teens] to know that there are STIs that can be really dangerous and really deadly.”

<snip>

McDole nodded in agreement before adding, “At my school, there are a lot of teen parents, there’s a lot of freshmen coming in and not knowing — there’s a lot of everything at my school. You have some kids that will shy away from [sexual activity]. But then you have other people who are coming into this new environment and it’s a big environmental shock for them. … Many of them end up doing what the crowd does without realizing that, as a teenager, they are making very crucial decisions. It’s a decision of whether or not you’re going to get pregnant, whether or not you’re going to get an STI, or even whether you are going to college or not.

“Teens are making these very important decisions. When a wrong decision is made, unfortunately, they usually can’t go back and reverse it. For instance, if you contracted HIV, you can’t just go back and say ‘Well, I shouldn’t have done that and I take it back now.’ So, when adults make these decisions for us, when they think they know what is best for us without asking us, it doesn’t make any sense. We’re the ones who are going through this. We want our own voice.”

During their public remarks, the two young women encouraged adults to trust Iowa students with the truth about a wide variety of topics.

“We deserve to have all the information we can,” Hoch told those in attendance. “We need that information — all of that information — if we are going to be able to make appropriate and good choices.”

I am so proud of these two teenagers. It takes such strength and courage to stand up and speak publicly about sex and sex education in a social and educational environment that encourages quite the opposite. Empowered teenagers who not only take a stand for what they believe in, but do so in a way that is effective and influential, are wonderful. I would love for more teenagers to get active in these ways, either independently like Hoch and McDole, or through organizations like Advocates for Youth.

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.)
My guest blog for this month will be about 4parents.gov. I found this website through a commercial (they are all on their site) and I must say, it kind of disturbed me. On the about us page, they said this:

“4Parents.gov is part of a national public education campaign to provide parents with the information, tools and skills they need to help their teens make healthy choices, including waiting until marriage to have sex. Nothing is more important for a child, pre-teen, or teen than a caring parent. If pre-teens and teens are going to make the choices that will help them grow up to be healthy adults, they need parents to talk with them about important topics like sex and relationships. 4parents.gov is meant to give parents the information and guidance they need for having these conversations”

To me, it makes no sense. I mean, I realize it is just a further extension of the current administrations abstinence-only sex education, but seeing it so blatantly in print makes it worse. So making the choice to have sex before marriage, according to this website, is unhealthy. And apparently you won’t grow up to become a healthy adult if you don’t wait until marriage either! Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the fact that it is important to have a caring parent, but to say it is only healthy to wait for sex seems a bit over dramatic and damaging even.

“Do you know that 53% of high school students have not had sexual intercourse?”

By their own admission, almost half of high school students have had sex. I know they meant for this to bolster their case, but in my eyes it weakens is. By saying that almost half have sex, and yet also saying that there is no need for anything but abstinence only sex ed, they seem to contradict each other. I mean, is failing to tell teens the ways to protect themselves as much as possible not the same as condoning the transmission of STDs and unwanted pregnancies? Because in my eyes failing to tell teenager about contraceptives is like saying “I hope you get chlamydia if you have sex before marriage!”

“Do you know that, according to one survey, two-thirds of teens who have had sexual intercourse wish they had waited?”

According to one survey? One? With all the government funding going into this project, they could only find one survey that supported the numbers they wanted to use, huh? I’m sure with enough funding and time I could get a similar number of respondents to say that the moon is made out of cheese!

As many parts of the site as I hate, there are some good parts to. In the “What if my son or daughter tells me he or she is gay?” page, it has this good advice:

“If you believe your teenager may be gay, or is experiencing difficulties with gender identity or sexual orientation, consider the following points:

• All children, pre-teens, and teens need to feel accepted and loved. Remember, your son or daughter is probably very scared about having this conversation with you. Accepting your son or daughter can help lead to strong, life-affirming relationships in the future.
• Some teens who question their sexual orientation are at increased risk for depression, attempted suicide, or other problems
• Some parents need help in understanding and communicating with their son or daughter. You have made a great step in this direction already by visiting this website.
• Counselors and other health professionals may be helpful for both teens and parents when addressing difficult issues.”

Please look over this site and tell me what you think in the comments section! And, as always, feel free to email me at justanotherteen@gmail.com !

So who are you going to vote for?

Here in Texas, we’re just over one week away from our primary/caucus, and everyone is going crazy. This is the first time I’ve really experienced such craziness in a presidential race. Generally, by the time the Texas primary/caucus roles around, the candidates have been defacto-chosen. Then, in the general election, everyone just writes Texas off as Republican. So we don’t get much attention either time.

But this time…boy, Texas is big stuff! And even more astounding, Texan Democrats are big stuff! Big fun for all!

So in the even that you haven’t decided who to vote for yet, or your teenager hasn’t decided who to vote for yet, here are some links that might help you figure your way.

• Students for Barack Obama
• Students for Hillary Clinton
• Students for McCain
• Students for Ron Paul
• Students for Huckabee

So that’s it for the candidates. Now, you ask, but what do these candidates have to say about sexuality education, reproductive rights, and more? RH Reality Check (Information and Analysis for Reproductive Healthcare) has you covered! They have a complete section of their website devoted to the 2008 presidential election, with lots of useful information. Take a look! I can’t recommend this page highly enough.