Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Birthdays are a big deal. While they get less important as we get older, particularly the random ones between the decades, teenagers are not yet into that no-mans land of unimportant birthdays. These teen birthdays, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, all have particular nuances to them, and should be honored for that.

• 13 is the entrance into teenage-hood, which is often a long-sought-after place for preteens.
• 14 means you’re not a teenage “freshman” any more, even though you’re often still a freshman in high school.
• 15 is so close to driving and freedom that it’s almost a penultimate birthday.
• 16 is often the entrance into the best years in terms of lack of real responsibility coupled with the most possible freedom.
• 17 and suddenly you’re beginning to taste adulthood - and are probably preparing for life post-high school.
• 18 carries much legal weight in America - as has been pointed out by millions of newly-18-year-olds - now they can buy porn, cigarettes, vote, and die for their country. (But not drink alcohol. Because that would just be wrong.)
• 19 and suddenly birthdays don’t matter as much. At least they didn’t to me. This was the age when I forgot how old I was for the first time - when I really stopped caring how old I was for the first time. Honestly, it came as something of a relief.

So honor your teenagers’ birthdays. And realize that they will want you to increasingly honor them by not taking part in them. And that’s okay. Although I’ve never known a teenager - hell, anyone of any age - to be miffed by an appropriately-timed, non-embarrassing cupcake.

(Today is my daughter’s seventh birthday! Happy Birthday, Goose! Because she’s still firmly in the years of loving birthday-cake-focused-parties, we’ll be tie-dying and eating cake with friends and family tomorrow.)

This week has not been an uplifting one for those looking for progressive and women-friendly laws about sex. And frankly, I don’t have quite the energy to rage. Instead, here are the words of others:

RH Reality Check talks about how anti-abortion groups are subtly shifting their focus from narrowly protesting abortion to widely protesting all forms of birth control (including, most notably, the pill).

Paul Sunstone of Cafe Philos talks about the potential freedom of speech issues in the decision by the three largest ISPs to block all child porn sites.

And speaking of bad news, I gave some to a mom yesterday.

Here’s the situation: This mom’s teenage son is not doing as she would prefer. He’s smoking pot, having sex, and ignoring most of what she says. I tried to point out what he’s doing right - going to school, having safe sex, coming home. But she had a hard time acknowledging the good choices he makes.

So I was talking with this mother about how to maximize her son’s good choices and help them bleed over into the areas where she’s currently concerned about his behaviors. But in order for her to help her son, I was straight up and told her there were some things she was going to have to change before he would start to change. And these were big, lifestyle changes I was talking about. Not changing the laundry detergent brand changes. She wanted nothing of it.

I told her that I had bad news: That unless she changed, her son wouldn’t change. I’m hoping after sleeping on it, she’ll wake-up renewed and ready to start really grappling with her own issues in order to help her son start addressing his. But really, it’s in her court, in her power to break the pattern.

I am writing this a few minutes midnight, and my little brother is playing Rock Band with a friend (he says his name is Satan).  They are both graduating from high school on Sunday - although neither of them was sure whether or not they were going to be or not until several hours ago.  Also, my brother’s friend will turn 18 in twelve minutes.  So now they’re celebrating with bad, loud music.

While I am unable to focus enough to write a decent post, due to the late hour and the bad music, I am delighted by the adolescent enthusiasm running rampant.

Because really, what better way to celebrate than with loud, bad music and friends?  It’s great that this house is welcoming to teenagers and their impulses.   (Plus, who knew that Bon Jovi was popular with the young set these days?)

This afternoon a mother asked me this question:

“When do I teach my 13-year-old son about birth control?”

Regrettably, the answer is much more complicated than the question. Because really, it depends. And on pressing her, it was clear that the boy knows how babies are made, and probably knows that there are ways preventing pregnancy. He also knows that you can catch diseases from sexual intercourse, and so probably knows that there are ways of preventing that too.

So this mother’s question wasn’t so much about when to tell her son about birth control, it was about when she should start providing higher levels of knowledge - like how to use a condom and where to get them.

And when a teenager needs to know these things is just a very individual situation. But here’s what I said she should tell her son sometime before he starts high school in the fall:

“There are lots of ways of experiencing your love for someone sexually besides sexual intercourse. These other ways do not include a risk of pregnancy and they generally have reduced risk of STD transmission. Right now, you should probably stick to those. At some point you’ll decide you are ready to experience intercourse with your partner. At that point I expect you to come and ask me for condoms, which I will happily provide for you. If you prefer, you are welcome to leave me a note asking for them rather than asking me in person.”

Sex ed by text message. Of course it happened first in San Francisco, where they’re serious about getting sex education messages out, in any medium possible.

The moral of this story is: Want to talk to your teenager? Do it in the medium she or he uses most. For many teenagers that’s text message.

But maybe it’s not text message. Maybe it’s the cell phone, or Internet-based chat, or e-mail.

Or maybe the medium isn’t as important to your teenager as the primary content of the conversation. In that case, talk about whatever interests your teenager - movies, video games, books, horses, football, anime, whatever!

The point is that in order to reach and effectively interact with your teen on any subject, you have to do it on his or her turf. Trust me.

“But,” you complain upon reading the title, “it’s not even application season yet! Doesn’t that start in the fall?”

“Nevertheless,” I respond with a sigh, “next year’s seniors are already obsessing about them.”

It seems that these baby boomer’s children, who are so many in number and so high-performing, have crammed all they can into the high school years. In many high schools, the number of required credits has risen dramatically in the past ten years, to say nothing of the optional and test-out credits that driven high school students rack up. And then there are the numerous extra-curricular activities: sports, theater, band, music, volunteer, church, jobs, internships, etc. Nothing else is left. For these top-performing high school students, there are no more hours into which to cram resume padding activities in those four short years. (Notice we’ve even started calling them “resumes” rather than “college applications.”)

The craziness abounds. And even still, because the children of the baby-boomers who are trying to get into college are so numerous, even with these extremes of early achievement and perfect 4.0’s (and even higher for the majority who take AP courses) and perfect SAT and ACT scores, there are plenty of very qualified and deserving students not getting into the colleges of their choice. There has been plenty written about this over the past few years. So I am going to assume that you, Gentle Reader, need no more introduction to the craziness that is the college applications process as it currently stands.

Rather, I am going to propose a solution for you crazed families out there.

Stop.

It seems simple, but it is deceptively hard. And what I am suggesting is actually somewhat more complicated. I am suggesting that your teenager take the year following high school off. Not to sit around and chill and play computer games, but to learn about the world from a new perspective: that of a non-student. Volunteer full-time at charities. Travel if funds allow in order to learn another language. Do some theater at the local theater rather than high school theater. Intern in DC or your state capitol for a Senator or a Representative. In short, take part in the real adult world rather than the contrived world of high school.

But most importantly, make sure that what seemed like a good idea as a career path in high school still seems like a good career path when you’re actually doing it. Far too often an idealistic 17 year old will decide on a college major based on a favorite high school course. And it is common for high school students to be drawn to their favorite courses not because the topic inherently resonates with them, but because the teacher was particularly good at reaching them.

So take a year off. Breathe deeply of the real world, where both the privileges and the responsibilities are higher and more rewarding than they are in high school. You’ll be prepared to return to the mecca of possibility that is higher education and truly take advantage of all it has to offer.

(Plus, for those of you who are having a hard time looking beyond getting into the college of your choice, this process will set you apart in the application stacks.  Trust me.)

I am offering a summer session of my sex-ed class for parents, the information is below. Parents who have taken this class in the past have said that it has dramatically increased their ability to talk about sex and sexuality with their kids - and that has in turn supported a strong and conscious parent-child relationship, even through difficult times.

Please feel free to forward this e-mail on to anyone you think would be interested. If you live outside of the Austin area, I am available to travel to present this class, or one tailored to your group’s specific needs. E-mail me for specifics.

Beyond the Birds and Bees: a class for parents

Dr. Karen Rayne presents a four-session class for parents on how to talk with children and teenagers more easily and effectively about issues of sex and sexuality.

Topics include: Current trends in adolescent sexuality, common assumptions about adolescent sexuality (right and wrong!), parental hopes vs. adolescent reality, and talking with your teenager (what to do, what not to do, and how to get started). There is plenty of time for bringing specific questions and difficult situations to the class for answers and discussion. More specific information about the class is available here.

Times: Sundays, 3:30 – 5:00
Dates:June 22nd, June 29th, July 6th, and July 13th
Place: Oak Hill (South-West Austin)
Cost: $175/individual, $300/couple (If this fee is prohibitive for you to attend, please e-mail me and we’ll see what we can do.)

If you have questions or would like more information, please do not hesitate to contact me by phone (924-1814) or e-mail. If you would like to know more about me and my perspectives on adolescent sexuality, read through my blog!

I look forward to talking with you soon,
Sincerely,
Dr. Karen Rayne

I am working with a production company from France to create a documentary about human development from birth through the beginnings of puberty and sexual interest. My conversation, of course, will come primarily at the end of the film. In addition to an interview piece, they asked that I gather a group of 12 - 14 year olds together so they could film a sex ed class. It took some time and some doing, but I think I’ve finally managed it. But I was surprised by the path and the conversations I had along the way.

I spoke exclusively with parents I knew and who I had talked with about their children’s budding sexuality in one way or another. It seemed to me that it would be a big leap of trust for these parents to allow someone to film their young teenagers talking about sex. I extensively outlined what we would be doing in the class, remaining open to input and concerns and expressed a willingness to be flexible according to what the parents were comfortable with. These parents were uncomfortable with the idea - some only a little, some quite a lot. I got a few tentative positive responses, but no one was thrilled.

So I moved on, looking further afield for youth to be involved.

In the last week, I have found an amazing group of parents who are comfortable with their children being filmed in a sex ed class I will teach - even though they don’t know me personally and they haven’t seen a play-by-play of what will be included in the class. What I have seen in these parents is that rather than talking to me about the potential filming, they have been talking with their young teenagers. They have sat down as a family, with my short and to-the-point e-mail introduction (which I figured would be followed by many more) and talked together about the potential positives and negatives of being involved. They made a family decision, the parents and the youth, about whether to move forward. Some decided yes, some decided no. But the point is that they felt very little need for extensive conversation with me.

So where does the difference between these two groups of parents lay?

I think the first group of parents wanted to know - to KNOW - that they could trust me. Ultimately, they were torn because even if they did trust me, they weren’t SURE they could trust the film company.

The second group of parents, on the other hand, weren’t very concerned with trust of me or the film company - they had enough basic information to know that we were basically doing something good and interesting. Rather, these parents decided to trust their young teenagers to make good decisions and to be able to weigh the potential outcomes with the parents’ guidance.

So what can you learn from this little story?

Ultimately, it’s far more productive to work towards trusting your children and your teenagers than to try to trust every single adult who comes into contact with them.

I am on the board for a soon-to-be non-profit called Blossom Family Center. Blossom currently has a number of programs, including a parent-child class for very young children, a delightful and informative series of workshops, and is working to start up a care-taker training program. All of this is set within the context of Rudolf Steiner’s theories on Anthroposophy and the young child. There is no website currently, but will be forthcoming in a month or two. If you want more information before that, please feel free to e-mail me.

But back to my story:

Last night after a board meeting, I spoke briefly with Laura Olson, who runs many of Blossom’s programs. We were talking about the possibility of expanding Blossom’s workshop offerings to include something about sexuality in the family. We both immediately arrived at the same discussion point: There are really two topics that are prescient for parents of young children. In no particular order:

• Supporting parents to re-claim or re-build their sexual relationship after the overwhelming physical changes the woman has been through. This is a toughie, and many relationships falter during the years of the young child for many reasons, some of which include differences in sex drive, limited sleep, and the mother’s exhaustion from close physical contact with the baby (particularly if she is breastfeeding).
• Educating parents about the sexuality that lives within each and every one of us - even babies and toddlers and children! It is helpful for parents to know what is normal body exploration for babies and young children and how to react and appropriate guide young ones towards healthy life-long sexuality.

These are such separate topics, I think they each deserve their own workshop topic. On this blog, in my parenting classes, and in my individual consultations, I generally focus on the second of the above two areas. And while it is well known - almost a one-liner joke - that parents of young children don’t have sex very often, I wonder about parents of teenagers.

What are the difficulties inherent for a parent to maintain a healthy adult sex life with a teenager in the house? How is it different for a single parent than for partnered parents? Is this something parents of teenagers (or younger children) are even interested in talking about? Has there been any research on this topic? I’d love your input! Please let me know what you think and what your personal experiences have been in the comments section!

Graduation season is upon us!

There are those who are graduating by the skin of their teeth, and those who don’t think much of the event because it didn’t take much to get there.  And you should acknowledge the graduation by following the lead of your favorite soon-to-be-alumni.

My years in high school and as an undergraduate were primarily spent finding things other than school work to keep my mind and body busy.  I was involved in many fabulous activities, and by and large really enjoyed myself.  I graduated with honors both times without putting even half of my full attention into my school work.  My dear and devoted family praised me and supported me both times.  But to be honest, it just felt hollow and oddly forced.  And it was forced, on my part.  I had to force myself to legitimately accept their praise for what I did not consider was my best work.

On the other hand, when I graduated with my Ph.D. it was a completely different ball game.  I had put my heart and soul and full capabilities into my graduate school career.  I had worked very hard for something and I was proud of myself for completing it.  In this context it was easy to accept other people’s congratulations and pride in me.

In retrospect, I suspect I would have responded to a note of “Good work - now keep going!” for those first few graduations much better.  After all, I never considered them endpoints - only markers along the way.  And a full-powered blow-out was all that was possibly acceptable for when I did work my hardest.

So try to get a sense from your favorite graduating graduate of 2008: Is she really proud of the body of work she’s done to reach this place?  I mean really really proud, down beneath the potential embarrassment of being proud of one’s self.  Because if she is, then you need to go all out.  Otherwise, the goal needs to simply be to keep the ball rolling.

(As a side note: This is not in any way to say that educational achievement is the only way, or even the best way, to reach one’s goals.  It is just one path among many.)