Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Thank you to everyone for your great comments about my This I Believe series. I really enjoyed reading your reactions, and I’ve changed some of what I wrote to incorporate your good ideas. I’ve posted the edited series permanently on it’s own page so new readers can see where I stand.

If you didn’t read what I wrote before, or you want to see what it looks like now, take a peek! I will continue to revise and refine this statement of belief as it changes and as I change, so don’t hesitate to comment - positively or negatively, it’s all important for me to think about.

Hello! And welcome to Part 3 in a 3-part series on:

What I Think About Parents and Sex Education!

On Tuesday I introduced the series, and today I’m talking about my third point:

Sex is not all bad. Even for teenagers. In order to maintain credibility, parents have to acknowledge that fact.

This is a scary point for lots of parents. But the fact is that all adolescent sex does not end with rape, pregnancy, and AIDS.

Being sexually active does not increase the likelihood that a teenager is going to be raped.

Most sexually active teenager girls do not get pregnant. Most sexually active teenage boys do not get someone pregnant.

Lots and lots of teenagers are sexually active without ever getting or giving an STI. (There’s no good information out there on many teenagers have ever had an STI, though, so it’s hard to say if it’s most or not.) And most common STIs are treated pretty easily these days, so it’s not such a big deal even if they do get one!

Now, can all these bad things happen? Of course. Should we be diligent as parents to help our teenagers avoid them? Absolutely. Part of being diligent is making sure our children know that we know that every single time they do something potentially dangerous something horrible might not happen to them.

Otherwise, something like this happens:

Lucy’s mother has told her to never, ever have sex without a condom. Ever. Lucy understands from her mother’s warning that if she ever - EVER! - has sex without a condom she’ll get pregnant and get and STI.

Lucy’s best friend Marisol and her boyfriend Johnny have sex without a condom. A lot. Marisol does not get pregnant and does not contract an STI (that she knows about).

Lucy’s understanding of her mother’s warnings are now in direct contradiction with Marisol’s proven reality.

So good sex education needs to acknowledge that you don’t get pregnant every time you have sex without a condom - but then ask the question of whether the teenager is willing for this time to be the one when she does get pregnant.

Hello! And welcome to part 2 in a 3-part series on:

What I Think About Parents and Sex Education!

Today I’m talking about the second point that parents need to explicitly acknowledge:

Everyone has sex. Not all teenagers. But all teenagers do need to learn the facts about sex. It’ll come in useful at some point. Promise.

The main point I want to make here is that you can educate your teenager about sex and sexuality without assuming that your child will therefore start having sex. Maybe your teenager will have sex during high school - maybe not. About half of all teenagers do. About half of all teenagers do not.

But I’m not even going to get into this argument right now. Because here’s the point: Everyone needs to know the facts about sex and sexuality. End of story.

This is not an argument about whether it’s okay for teenagers to have sex. This is not an argument about whether people should wait until marriage to have sex. This IS an argument for basic information about an activity that almost everyone in the world engages in at some point in their lives.

So if you have a hard time with sexuality education because you want your teenager to avoid having sex, change your perspective on what sexuality education is meant to do. Sex Ed is not like Driver’s Ed - you don’t get a license at the end. What you should get is good information that you can draw on throughout your life about (a) your mind and body and (b) other people’s minds and bodies and (c) how they interact.

(And, before someone posts a comment about it, I want to point out that, in fact, not everyone has sex. But the vast majority of people do, and it’s probably safe to assume that your kid will. And even if he or she does not have sex, he or she should still be knowledgeable about it.)

Hello! And welcome to Part 1 in a 3-part series on:

What I Think About Parents and Sex Education!

Yesterday I introduced the series, and today I’m talking about my first point:

Parents have to talk to their kids about sex. Before the kids start asking. Because otherwise it’s too late.

If you’re already ready to stop reading, DON’T! I’ve got a great post on how to talk with teenagers about sex. You can read it here.

In talking with parents, what I have seen is that by the time parents start thinking about talking to their kids about sex, the kids are already in the know. Way, way too far in the know for most parents’ comfort.

This happens, of course, because Little Suzy in their class at school (or church or playgroup or homeschooling group or whatever) walked in on her parents in, shall we say, a compromising condition. The parents weren’t able to think up a convincing lie fast enough, and now everyone on the playground knows that Little Suzy’s parents get up to something funny during nap time. Now, neither Little Suzy’s parents nor any of the other parents probably have any idea that the children are contemplating compromising positions because the children are wise enough to know that when an adult lies badly, they shouldn’t go talking to other adults about it.

The moral of the story is to talk to your kids about sex. It might be really embarrassing for everyone. Okay, it probably will be really embarrassing for everyone. But better that than your 10 year old boy thinking that girls have two butts.

The other big benefit (beyond a simple transfer of information) to starting these conversations yourself rather than ignoring them unless you child asks, is that you are letting your kid know that it’s okay to ask questions. That it’s okay to use these words (penis, vulva, butt, vagina, breasts, wet dream, etc.) in conversation with you and other adults. This will pay off big dividends as they get older. Trust me.

Here’s some conversation topics that should be started with little ones:

1. The differences between women and girls. The differences between men and boys.
2. A little introduction to what marriage means - friendship, trust, love. More on the physical will come later.

These two topics: (a) information about our bodies and (b) relationship primers are really the two key topics.

So to make sure you cover everything, take some time and make out a list of all of the conceivable things in each category that a sexually active adult would need to know. Then roughly order them according to age when a person should learn them (youngest to oldest). Keep this list tucked away some place private, and mark things off the list as you have those conversations. Then you’ll always know what the next topic you need to cover is - and you’ll be able to keep a general eye open for a conversational opening.