Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Today I am working with a film production company from France. They will be interviewing me about the beginnings of sexuality (remember our conversations about masturbation from last week?) for an up-coming international documentary. They will also be filming a (staged) sex ed class for middle school students. Here is one of the activities we’ll be doing:

Masturbation Fish Bowl - The leaders (me and my friend Patty) will write two lists of questions about masturbation: one for boys and one for girls. The boys will sit in a circle facing inward, and the girls will sit in a circle around them, also facing inwards. The boys will answer the questions directed at boys. The girls will remain silent. Then the boys and the girls will switch.

This activity is designed to increase understanding of the other gender and pleasure
while remaining in a safe environment. When there is more time, the girls write questions for the boys to answer and the boys write questions for the girls to answer. Any topic will do, but it is often useful to help focus the conversation with a general topic.

I have three questions to answer:

1. Typical age of masturbation onset (by gender).
2. Typical age of orgasm/ejaculatory onset (by gender).
3. Typical age of highest masturbation frequency (by gender).

So what’s up with the relative lack of research on this topic? (Yes, that was a rhetorical question, for you smart-alecks in the peanut gallery.) Here’s what I’ve been able to find, although the sparseness of the research appals me to the degree where I’m hesitant to state these numbers absolutely:

1. Pediatrics (kind of a giant in this kind of research) says that masturbation generally starts around 2 months for both girls and boys (although in-utero masturbation has also been observed). They go on to say that masturbation (and general body/sexual interest) drops off around 4 or 5 and then picks up again in adolescence. Now, lots of people (although apparently not Pediatrics) have trouble acknowledging that child masturbation is in fact masturbation (they say it’s “different”), but come on, people. It’s masturbation. It might not end in an orgasm, but if orgasm is our benchmark for an activity qualifying as a sexual activity, the whole ballgame just got changed.
2. For boys, it’s maybe around 12, give or take a year. But the research that provides this information? It’s sketchy. More clear is that boys typically have this vague understanding that they will one day have something squirting from their penis, but they’re not entirely certain how they got that information. Very odd. However, information is just non-existent for girls. I have no idea at what age women tend to have their first orgasm. Certainly, for some, it is during adolescence. But others never have one. So the age spread will be much, much bigger than for boys. But I’m fascinated by this lack-of-information. Also, what about self-induced orgasms vs. partner-induced orgasms?
3. “Adolescence.” How useful is that? Oh, wait, I forgot, it’s not it all. But best guesses for boys is maybe 13 to 15 somewhere. For girls? No idea.

Okay, folks, this is just inadequate. If anyone has information in these particular areas, I’d love to hear from you either in the comments section or privately via e-mail.

So what are your masturbation stories? I’d also love to hear them, either in comments or privately via e-mail. When did you start? When did you do it the most? What did your parents tell you (or not tell you) about it?

Some time ago a teenager at the church where I worked approached me and asked if I would take her shopping for a vibrator. (Although she didn’t know the word for a vibrator, she alluded to it with a bright red face…) I thought it was great, and so took her (with her mother’s explicit permission and money) to a local store to buy a vibrator. These stores are now legal in the state of Texas. That is to say, in addition to being able to sell educational aids, they are also able to sell sex toys.

I’m sure some of you are somewhat horrified at my openness in helping a teenager obtain a vibrator. However, with her mother’s permission, I think it turned out positive for everyone. This young woman was particularly sexual. She wanted desperately to engage more sexually. But she didn’t have a boyfriend, she didn’t have any prospects for one, and she acknowledged that even if she did, she wasn’t sure she was emotionally ready for sex.

So what’s a sexually aroused teenager to do? Well, masturbate. And I am all for encouraging safe masturbation among teenagers. It keeps them off the streets and off each other.

However, it can be hard for a teenager to obtain a vibrator. Teenagers generally feel far too awkward to ask mom or dad, and who else can a teenager ask, really? There just aren’t many adult/teen relationships where sex is talked about enough and openly enough to encourage a teenager to reach out and ask for help at obtaining sexual satisfaction. (This, of course, leads to lots of household items being used for masturbation instead, including the old standbys, the hairbrush handle and the cucumber.)

So what to do? Well, broach the subject. Let your teenager know that you’re happy to help them buy (or help them find someone else to help them buy) a vibrator, a dildo, lube, whatever. This offer will not turn your child into a sexual deviant, it will help them become sexually happy so they don’t feel the need to go searching for sexual happiness.

If you need more convincing, come back for tomorrow’s post…

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

Although this post was originally supposed to be for Friday, I got so many good questions on Wednesday that I did not feel they would all fit in one post. That said, I am still open to more questions for the rest of today or until about 10 PM Eastern time. If you have questions, email me at justanotherteen@gmail.com.

I did not particularly ask people if they were OK with the use of their name with their question, so I will use caution and assume they wish to remain anonymous.

“I’m interested in your experience, and how you learned about masturbation … whether through self-exploration, or by being taught, either by another person, or from literature / porn.”

I have already said a brief amount about my masturbation experience, but not much, so I will go into more detail here. I started masturbating by rubbing on an old fleece jacket. I didn’t know what I was doing honestly, as I said I was extremely sheltered. Until I found jackinworld.com, I did not know what I was doing or how to “properly” do it, probably because I am circumcised and did not even think about lube. In my experience, I didn’t hear anything about it from others so I had no clue. Although many guys apparently share their knowledge of this pleasurable activity, I suppose I just did not have enough family members or friends close enough in age.

“Do you have any friends who are abstinent despite pressure to be otherwise? If so, why do you think they made that choice?”

As much as I should, I have not really talked to my friends about this matter. I am pretty sure many of them have never had sex but I do not know whether that is because of lack of opportunity or their own desire to abstain. Sorry I don’t have more information on this subject!

“Do you think that being in an all-male residential high school has had an impact on how you learned to relate with girls? Do you think it has been useful, or a hindrance?”

I’m sorry if I gave the impression that I live in an all-male school. In fact my school is open to both girls and guys, in separate monitored dorms. If I were in a single sex school, I would definitely think that would alter my ability to talk to girls. However, having lived the life that I have so far, I often have more female friends than male friends. I am by no means a player or anything, I simply have a strong feminine side in many ways and therefore relate better with females. That is actually one of the reasons I have such a strong relationship with my girlfriend. I am feminine in many of the same ways she is masculine and vice versa.

“So with uncommunicative parents and a rotten teacher at school, where did you get good information and a healthy attitude? What would you recommend to other teenagers in similar position.”

Looking back, it is really hard to tell where my attitude came from. I suppose it was partially because I wanted to be the opposite of my parents but more so because of the actions of my brothers, the Internet, and my life in a residential school. While my school itself is still rather conservative, living in a less supervised setting than at home as well as living with 300 other teenagers can lead to a large melting pot of ideas and values. The Internet also helped me learn about sex and masturbation before I arrived at school and likely laid the foundation for my current attitude. As for what I would recommend to other teenagers, remember to keep an open mind. Although the internet had laid the groundwork, I remember being shocked upon arrival at my school that they allowed an openly gay guy to be in a leadership position. My how my attitude has changed! I am now a member of our gay-straight alliance and I am wearing a new rainbow belt as I type this!

I apologize if this post does not seem as well put together as some others, but I only had about an hour to write this as opposed to more than a week for the rest! Thanks to everyone for the questions and comments/compliments. I have really enjoyed blogging here and love having an instant audience without having to build it myself!

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

My father is a minister and has been since he was 17. I will not name the denomination but it is obviously a Christian one and saying my parents are conservative is like saying the galaxy is big. Therefore, you can probably guess about the extent of sex ed I got from my parents: not much. My family could never openly talk about sex. Ever.

My older brothers are 5 and 7 years older than me so they were almost out of the house before I was a teen, but I did realize they had sex before marriage, in fact my oldest brother has three children from two different mothers, but that is a side story. My parents decided it would be a good idea to use the “True Love Waits” program with my brothers. I am not sure if anyone else remembers it or is familiar with it, but basically it is a card that teens sign that is basically a “contract between them and God.” They then took my brothers out to a really expensive dinner when they turned 16 and gave them a TLW ring. This was their visual sign that they were set apart, blah blah, blah. Well, as I have already told you, they both broke these vows within two years.

As for my personal experiences with talking about sex and my parents, they were fairly non-existent. Their idea of a puberty talk was giving me a book. I was to young at that point to care so I chunked it in my closet. A year or two later I found it and read it all in one night because I was intensely curious about those matters finally. I had started masturbating but thought I was the only one on the planet who did such a thing. The book said nothing about it and I did not even know the term for it until I stumbled across a website called jackinworld.com. It let me know that what I was doing was perfectly normal and gave me tips to help along with a plethora of other articles. Unfortunately my parents found out I had been surfing on this website and put very strict parental filters on the computer. They had a talk with me about masturbation and said it was OK but they didn’t agree with a lot of stuff on that website. They didn’t offer to get me tissues or lotion or anything of the sort, they just said it was OK as long as my “mind was clean while doing it.”

After this incident, it was awhile before the subject of sex came up again. I was a bit of a late bloomer as I have previously discussed and did not get my first girlfriend until I was 17. Since I lived at school and with my brother a good bit of the year, and because I didn’t want to be lectured about the virtues of waiting for marriage, I neglected to tell my parents I had a girlfriend for 7 months. They still do not realize how serious we are and that we have been having sex for over a year and a half now. I find it sad that I cannot openly talk to my parents about things of this sort. If I did, there would be lots of crying and screaming involved. I already do not live with them so they cannot kick me out, but I imagine they may try if I was.

Please try to have a more open and accepting relationship with your children. Regardless of whether or not you agree with their decisions, they are not yours to make and your teenager will generally listen more if you don’t shove your morals down their throat.

P.S. I have only gotten one question for my post on Friday. I would really like to respond to more than one question with an entire post! If you have anything to ask about teen sexuality e-mail me at justanotherteen@gmail.com.

Thanks!

Several weeks ago I wrote about what boys need to know about masturbation. One reader took exception to my statement that: “Lotion is a good idea, get yourself some or ask a parent to get you some.” Here is what he had to say:

I want to commend you for writing such an affirming piece about young men and the practice of masturbation. Our own medical community had warned that masturbation was unhealthy until the Twentieth century. There remains a stigma in our culture about masturbation today. There needs to be more information such as your entry giving an affirming message about masturbation.

Having said that I want to respectfully disagree with your recommendation of lotion for masturbation. Lotion is made to make dry skin feel moisturized. Lotion is not intended as a lubricant. Some lotions have alcohol and some of them have a very high alcohol content. Some lotions are scented and the scent left after a masturbation session may not be a scent that the user wants to linger after the session.

There are many materials that are suitable lubricants for men to use to enhance masturbating. I’ll start with mentioning the basic Astroglide water based lubricant. Astroglide also has warming and other options but those options are not necessary. The basic Astroglide liquid can be found at Walgreens, CVS, and Rite Aid.

There is a KY Liquid product that is as the name suggests a liquid that provides a water based lubricant that gives good results. The KY Liquid can often be found at stores such as Walgreens, CVS, and Rite Aid.

Target stores have a Target brand that is a water based lubricant. A consumer should look for the liquid. There is a gel in a tube but that gel is not nearly the lubricant that the liquid is.

Thanks for the clarification, and the information about resources!

Yesterday we talked about what bits of information are important for a girl to know about masturbation. Today we’ll be talk about what bits of information are important for a parent or other trusted adult to tell a boy about masturbation. Some things are the same, and some are different, but mostly there are just more things that are helpful for boys to know.

• Masturbation is a private activity. (This is often more relevant for younger children and toddlers to learn.)
• Masturbation normal and healthy.
• Almost all boys masturbate, and particularly as teenagers, with some regularity.
• Lotion is a good idea, get yourself some or ask a parent to get you some.
• What to do with the socks or t-shirts or whatever after using them to clean up. Notably, not flush them down the toilet or throw them away.
• His imagination is his best friend. Porn will only make it more difficult to transition to actual sex with a real girl. And nobody wants that.
• Masturbation is a great, completely safe way to have lots of fun with a girlfriend or boyfriend (thanks for the reminder, Ruth!)
• and, of course you should mention that…
• Masturbation is fun!

Someone recently asked me if this conversation should include a discussion of moderation. Well, I don’t think so. Unless there is some indication that a boy is spending all of his time masturbating, in which case of course it’s warranted.

This information needs to come from somewhere. If it’s not going to come from a parent, the parent needs to make sure someone else steps up to the plate and winds his or her way through that conversation. Generally, boys will need some of this information earlier than other parts of it, so it really needs to come as part of an on-going discussion about sex and sexuality.

But what do you think? What else do you think is important for boys to learn about masturbation?

Several parents have asked me what they need to say to their children/teenagers about masturbation. That, of course, differs by gender. So here are a few of the things girls need to know about masturbation, in no particular order. Come back tomorrow, and I’ll have a post about boys.

• Masturbation is a private activity. (This is often more relevant for younger children and toddlers to learn.)
• Masturbation normal and healthy.
• Many girls masturbate, many girls do not.
• It is helpful to masturbate before beginning to have sex. Knowing what feels good to you will help you enjoy a sexual relationship even more. (This, clearly, is a conversation to have with a teenager who may be on the brink of beginning a sexual relationship.)
• and, of course you should mention that…
• Masturbation is fun!

Now, this can be heady stuff for parents to actually talk with their daughters about. But it’s important, helpful information, and girls need to learn about it somewhere. If you can’t screw up the gumption to have this conversation with your daughter, make sure someone else does. Ask a woman who is close to your daughter to do it. Send your daughter to this website. Find another website and send her to that one. Just make sure she gets the information from somewhere.

But what do you think? What else do you think is important for girls to learn about masturbation?