Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Today is Part 4 in this series on sex as a privilege for which there are responsibilities, and I will focus on the social responsibilities. You can read the introduction in part 1, the physical responsibilities in part 2, and the relational responsibilities in part 3.

(As a side note, I am in the process of preparing the syllabus for a graduate course I will be teaching at the University of Texas this summer, and am trying to resist the urge to sound professor like. Please excuse me if I fail.)

Sex in all it’s forms is generally considered a private act. And really, those who prefer sex to be a public act can generally be put aside, because it is often hard enough for a teenager to gather the courage to be sexual in front of their sex partner, much less strangers in a voyeuristic context.

Nevertheless, the sexual relationship that teenagers choose to enter - or choose not to enter - are often critical to their social spheres. And so it is a very delicate balancing act for a teenager between allowing it to be known that they are engaging sexually with someone or not. And while it may seem harmless enough at the time to mention last night’s hook-up to a best friend, the results can spin out of control far more quickly than one might imagine.

What this means is that teenager lovers and sex partners must come to an agreement about who else can know about a sexual relationship. With the understanding that everyone needs someone to talk with outside of a relationship, but that those people must be chosen with attention.

This responsibility can be summed up nicely this way: You have a responsibility to attend to the gossip and social harm that might come to your sexual partners due to your words.

Last week I wrote the first and the second parts of this series. I apologize for the longer-than-planned interlude before this, the third part!

Here is my position: Having sex with another person is a privilege, and with privilege comes responsibility. Hence, having sex with another person necessitates a level of responsibility both to that person and to yourself.

One commenter mentioned surprise that I used the word privilege to refer to sexuality - which she understands to be something inherent to our humanness, not a privilege. I agree. However, what I am talking about is the group of activities loosely categorized as “sex” as they happen between two or more people. And I do strongly believe that engaging with another person is a privilege, and that it requires responsibility.

In my first post, I outlined three levels of responsibility that sex requires: physical, relational, and social. In my second post, I described the physical responsibilities that come with sex. Today I’ll describe the relational, and tomorrow the social.

So what relational responsibilities come with having sex with someone? It means tending to the emotional relationship as well as the physical relationship. Here are some critical points:

1. Everyone involved has to actively want the sexual experience.
2. Everyone involved has to be on the same page about the meaning behind the sexual experience.
3. If someone is not in a state where they are able to make clear decisions because of drugs, alcohol, or emotional turmoil, don’t ask them to make sexual decisions.
4. If you have an STD/STI of any sort, you must disclose that before you get close enough that there is any chance of transmission.
5. If in doubt about someone’s desire, motives, or emotional or physical wellness, don’t have sex with them at that time.

I’ll be honest: I think this is fairly straight-forward stuff. But if these things were always self-evident to everyone, much would be different in this world. What that means is that teenagers need to learn these things as part of their sex education. There are lots of ways for teenagers to learn how to be relationally responsible sex partners, but probably the most common is through trial-and-error over time. But this method ends up with lots of people getting hurt until everyone has learned how to be sexually kind. I hope that you take the initiative, when you are talking about sex with teenagers, to provide guidance on how these teenagers can bring responsibility to their sexual relationships.

On Friday I wrote about the importance of talking with teenagers about privilege vs. responsibility in sexual decision making. Here’s the first concrete step a parent or a teacher could ask a teenager to begin a conversation around this topic:

“How is hooking up with someone different from, say, playing a computer game with someone?”

This will, of course, lead to many different answers. Here are some:

• “I’m much more picky about who I hook up with than who I play computer games with.”
• “Hooking up can get you an STD.”
• “Hooking up can get you (or someone else) pregnant.”
• “Hooking up is more fun.”
• “You can play computer games with more than one person but you don’t usually hook up with more than one person at a time.”
• “Hooking up feels better than playing computer games.”

(If you’ve got other answers to that question, feel free to share them in the comments section!)

The parent or teacher can take almost any answer that the teenager gives and turn it into a supporting point for the deeper nature that being sexual with someone implies over non-sexual activities.

By acknowledging that sexuality is inherently different from the majority of activities that a teenager could potentially engage in, the doorway has been opened to talk about the inherently different responsibilities that come with it.

There are three areas of sexuality that stand out as needing bringing particular responsibilities with them: physical, relational, and social. We’ll talk about these three areas of responsibility and how to talk about them with teenagers over the rest of the week.

Every March there are op-ed pieces, well researched articles, numerous blog posts, and general conversation about the horror that Spring Break has become. These articles describe a picture of heavy drinking and outrageous sexual extravagance by young women for the viewing pleasure (and later the direct physical pleasure) of young men.

This year, the L.A. Times has a piece called Raunch is Rebranded as Confidence by Meghan Daum. This Spring Break piece is more thoughtful than most - rather than simply listing the licentious activities taking place in Cancun, etc, this month, this article follows that up with a (short) discussion of feminine value, or worth, and how these Spring-Break-going young women find confidence. Namely, according to Daum, they determine their self worth by how sexually appealing they are found to be during Spring Break. This is a bleak outlook on America’s young women.

Spring Break here in Austin is really no better, even if the participants are generally somewhat older. We are the yearly host of the SXSW music festival during Spring Break, and the debauchery runs high (although it probably has a better sound track than Cancun). There is enough sex and drugs and alcohol to make any Cancun follower beam with recognition.

So, as a parent, what to do? Well, here’s my thought: Say no. High School aged teens have no business going with their peers and no chaperon on a Spring Break trip to a party location. And there’s certainly no reason for parents to bankroll a child’s trip to party the week away, regardless of the age of the child.

However, if the kid’s in college, and uses his/her own money, well, that is what it is: an adult making a decision you don’t agree with. Feel free to ask honest, open-ended questions about the trip and safety measures. (What do you plan on doing? Who will be going with you? Do you have someone designated to stay sober and take care of the folks who aren’t? Are you taking condoms?)

If your opinion is asked, feel free to express some concern - but do it lightly. Children, regardless of their age, hear parental opinion expressed as a shrill scream, even when it comes as a whisper. There’s no need to augment that unfortunate tendency.

If you do get a chance to express some concern, be sure to mention the high correlation between alcohol and regretted sexual experiences. Again - mention it lightly, it might feel like you’re saying it almost in passing. Ask if your child would like to talk more about it, and let it go if they say no. Don’t try to hammer the point home - know that just by bringing it up, you’ve already done that.

(Written by guest blogger Wendy Harlowe.) 

Dr. Rayne has kindly let me weigh in as a guest blogger for the few days while she is at the SXSW Interactive conference; she knows one of my favorite topics in life is sex! I think this blog is playing a crucial role in the needed discussion of adolescent sexuality in the repressive context of our “abstinence-only” government propoganda. I’ll be posting today, Monday and Tuesday. Today, I’ll let you know a little bit about me and my perspective on sexuality in general. Monday I’ll write a bit about human sexuality from a biological evolutionary perspective, not something I’ve seen much about. Tuesday, I’ll write about substance abuse as relates to sexuality. Of course, I’d love to hear from you, and look forward to this continuing conversation. You may e-mail me privately at WendyHarlowe@gmail.com, or of course, simply comment here on the blog.

So, first off, Wendy Harlowe is a pseudonym. I can be much freer in discussing sexuality this way. I’m an “outlier” in this arena. You know what an outlier is? Statistically speaking, its someone outside the norm, someone on the charts far outside where most people fall. My history and experience are unusual, and my perspective is unusual in many ways. Does one follow the other? Perhaps, but not necessarily.

As regards adolescent sexuality, I had a lot of sex while an adolescent. I’ve had a lot of sex and sexual experiences as an adult as well. Briefly, here is some of what I’ve experienced: snatched by a pedophile at 9 yrs of age; burst out into sex, drugs and rock’n'roll at age 13; was gang raped by the bikers I was hanging around with at age 17; had lots of sex with lots of people in my teens, 20s and 30s, started slowing down in my 40s; worked in the sex trade in my teens — strip joints, porn theaters, prostitution; lived as a lesbian for about 7 years, late teens and early 20s; really enjoyed a lot of computer sex in my 30s; am now happily married (third time’s the charm for me); am bisexual, but fairly invisible in that regard since I now live a middle class married life with children; contracted gonorrhea as a teenager (with the diagnoses of infertility as a result — although after 22 years of using no birth control, I did become pregnant at the age of 38!); contracted herpes in my early 20s, still live with it; sobered up as a member of AA when I was 21 yrs old, so I only hit the alcohol and drugs heavily for 8 years.

This I believe regards sexuality: that so much of what is taken for truth isn’t; that monogamy and marriage originated as tools to promote patriarchy — to ensure that men know their progeny, can “own” and control their families; that there exists an unfair double standard that heaps blame and shame and negative social repercussions upon girls and women who are free with their sexuality; that religion and religious beliefs far too often reinforce the institutions of marriage and monogamy; that it is entirely OKAY to tryst with another person simply for the pleasure of the shared sexuality; that sex can be enjoyed in its fullness without expectations, without promises, without a future between the consenting participants; that honesty is the way to go; that there is an exquisite balance between selfishness and giving to the other in sexual encounters, and that this balance cannot be achieved at all times; that girls and women too often forgo their own sexual pleasure out of fear and timidity and the unexamined belief that they need to be nice; that sex isn’t talked about near enough; that one can deeply love more than one person at a time; that if one is in a long-term committed relationship, “extracurricular sexual activity” is not necessarily a betrayal of one’s partner; that the sexual drive is primal and exquisite and should be explored and enjoyed, not repressed and denied.; that our ideas about sexual morality are intertwined with our dysfunctional social strictures; that if we lived in a more child-friendly world, one wouldn’t necessarily need the monogamous/marriage institution in order to see our children raised well.

One of my favorite quotes: “… have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” — Ranier Maria Rilke

A question for you: what do you think about having multiple sexual partners? If we could get rid of the romantic notions that saturate our culture, that yearning for “the one” … the one who will make our life complete … could we enjoy our sexuality outside of a “long-term committed relationship”?

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

Hello again!

Karen has graciously asked if I will write about once a month here, so this is my first regularly scheduled post. I will likely post on the first Monday of every month unless I have something that I urgently want to write about. If anyone has any questions or ideas for more blog posts, please email me at justanotherteen@gmail.com. But on to the post at hand!

Coming from an ultra-conservative family (for more click on the Guest Blogger category), I was not exposed to gay people until I started attending my current school. One of my earliest memories about homosexuality was when I was in third or fourth grade. My parents were talking to another person after church and he said something about lesbians. I, being the inquisitive child, asked what lesbians were. My parents seemed embarrassed and said we would talk about it at home. At home, they probably only explained by saying God didn’t like it when people were lesbians, I don’t remember exactly.

After this experience, I don’t remember any close encounters of the homosexual kind until I was in high school. I was home schooled for two years and worked cutting grass with some people from church. One of these men was a “former” homosexual who used to work at Disney World. (My parents believe that Disney World is the most evil place on earth, not the most magical.) I never even thought about this man’s homosexuality at the time, and contrary to what conservative churches sometimes imply, he did not sexually abuse me.

My next experience was when things really started to change. When I came to my school, I thought it was horrible that they would let an openly gay guy have a leadership position. While I did not believe I was homophobic, I still mostly held my parents’ belief that gay people were bad. However, due to the atmosphere of my school, I got to know more than one person who was gay, and realized that it really doesn’t matter. I realized that not liking gay people is just another form of discrimination, and is just as bad as racism. I realized that gay people are just people, and that they have real emotions and are still terribly mistreated sometimes.

Then later in the year, one of my closest guy friends was practically forced out of the closet in the worst way. A “friend” of my friend and his secret boyfriend eavesdropped and told practically the whole school that they were dating, despite the fact that my friend was not out of the closet. I did not know he was bi at the time, and regardless I wanted to beat some people up for spreading these rumors, false or true. (And I must say that the idea of my puny self beating someone up is highly unlikely!) My friend told me he was bi, and this shocked me a little, mostly because he and I were such close friends. I didn’t care, it just came as a surprise. That event blew over and my own sexuality started to emerge. I knew I had fantasies about men, but I also liked women. This didn’t completely confuse me as I already had a bisexual friend.

I had my first sexual experience, before my girlfriend, with another boy. We started off cuddling and progressed further in what can only be considered an experimental one-night-stand. After this, I was worried about my own sexuality being revealed the same way my friend’s was. I did NOT want it to come out that way, so I posted about it on my blog. Even though I am at a very accepting school, coming out was still very hard for me to do. It meant going against my parents and hoping that there would not be backlash from my friends. Thankfully, my friends and the other people at my school could care less. Coming out was a painless experience for me.

But I know this is not the case for a lot of teenagers. Lots of gay or bi teenagers either want to come out, but can’t, or want to stay in the closet. I had a very easy situation, and honestly cannot imagine the angst some people have had to go through about their sexuality.

Why in our modern society do teenagers and even adults feel they have to hide their sexuality?
Why do people not all accept everyone for who they are, not what they want them to be?

Why do people think it’s OK to be homophobic or just plain not like homosexuals when it is not OK to be racist?

Why are gays and lesbians not given the same rights as everyone else?

Last week a teenage girl e-mailed me with the following question:

Ive been reading your blog and can’t find the answer. My mom says that I need to go to the gynecologist cuz I’m hooking up. She says I need to get tested for diseases. I don’t feel sick. Is this real or is she just trying to get in my private life?

And, because as she points out I haven’t given the explicit answer to that question here on my blog, here’s my answer:

This is a great question.

It depends on what kind of hooking up you’ve been doing and what kind of protection you’ve been using. Just kissing and feeling each others bodies with clothes on? You’re fine. When you go further, have you *always* used condoms or other STI protection? Be honest with yourself here, even if you don’t want to admit it to anyone else. Because if you haven’t been extremely careful you *certainly* need to get tested.

But actually, regardless of your answers to those questions, it’s a good idea to get tested. That way you won’t be too freaked out to get tested if you do start feeling some burning or itching down there. Plus, it’s always better to know you’re clean than to worry about it.

There are three important things to remember about STIs:

1. You *can* get diseases from oral sex (blow jobs). Here’s a site where you can find out what kinds of diseases you can get from what kind of sexual activity: http://www.dph.sf.ca.us/sfcityclinic/stdbasics/stdchart.asp
2. You don’t always feel sick with STD/STIs, and they can still be stomping around in your insides. If you wait too long they may do damage you can’t fix. Also, you’d be passing them on to other people without knowing it.
3. Your mom doesn’t have to get into your private life for you to get tested. Most places that do STD/STI testing (including Planned Parenthood) will do it for anyone over 14 without parental permission. In addition to Planned Parenthood, if there is a free city-run clinic in your town, they generally do testing for teenagers without parental permission too. Sometimes even the county will do it.

Please let me know if any of that’s unclear or if you’ve got follow-up questions.

And here was her follow-up question:

It happened kind of fast like a surprise I guess so no condoms. Do I have to do the gyno exam? I read about it somewhere and it sounds totally gross. Thanks

And my answer:

Yep, you need to do the testing. The best website for just really straightforward information like this is www.scarleteen.com. Here’s what they say is involved in the STD testing/exam:

“The clinician will do a visual examination of your genitals. S/he will be looking for evidence of sores or lesions. If you are a woman you will go through the same procedure as you would for a pelvic exam (you might want to read up on that in the Your First Gynecologist Visit article for more details). During the pelvic exam the doctor will take a small sample of cells and fluids called a smear or swab test. It is similar to a PAP smear test, except that in this case, when the technician or doctor looks at the cells through a microscope, she or he will be looking for signs of the various microorganisms, antibodies, or cell changes related to specific STIs.”

It might be a bit uncomfortable, but it’s not too gross. Sometimes they take urine or blood samples. And remember, you don’t have to do it with your mom. Take care of yourself, and she can’t complain. If she keeps getting on your case about doing it her way or whatever, ask her to e-mail me (karen.rayne@gmail.com).

If you need help finding a place to get tested in your area, let me know.

P.S. Oh, and your partner should get tested too. If you two are still hanging out, go do the testing together.