Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

“You seem very open, honest, and liberal, but you depict your parents as fairly rigid and conservative. How much do you think your parents impacted who you are and how did they do that? I like the person you present yourself as and I sense that you like yourself as well. Do your parents like you as you are or do you hide most of what you have shared with us?”

As I mentioned in the response above, I think some of my attitude and outlook on life are simply the opposite of my parents because I saw them every single day and I wanted to be different. For instance, my parents are often late everywhere they go, so therefore I have a tendency to be early for everything. I think my parents impacted me a lot in some ways, mostly because I consciously tried to be different than they are. My parents know somewhat that I am do not hold their values, but not the scale of which I disavow their narrow-minded ideas. For instance, they do not know that I am bi-sexual. They do not fully realize that I have had sex. I did not even tell them I was dating someone for half a year.

“What do you think are the basic criteria for people (teens) to have and be competent at in order to be able to make a healthy decision to be fully sexual? When do you think teens are harmed by sex too early or with the wrong people? Have you seen much of the problems that can be created by inappropriately early sexuality or do you think there is such a thing as inappropriately early sexuality?”

I think that the age of sexual maturity (being able to make the decision to have sex for the right reasons, not just peer pressure or such) depends greatly on the individual person, the way they were raised, and their partner. I think both partners need to understand that although sex feels good on a physical and emotional level, there can be serious consequences no matter what form or forms of protection are used. They need to understand different forms of contraception and be comfortable with each other and themselves. It should not be a spur of the moment thing in my opinion, but something that is discussed with maturity. That said, I doubt very seriously that any teenage couples are really that prepared, myself and my girlfriend included! I think teens can easily be harmed by sex with the wrong person, especially if there is a large age gap or something else that gives one partner authority. That is not to say that a 15 year old and a 17 year old should not be having sex, again it comes back to the individual relationship. As for problems with early sexuality, I think they are often the same for sex at any age: unwanted pregnancy and STIs, etc. Also, I believe younger people in general have a higher risk of being emotionally scarred but when I think about it, and I have no experience with this, it seems like older people (i.e. Over 20) can be scarred as well from bad relationships, sexual or otherwise.

“Your girlfriend’s mom seems to have ‘come around’ and is coping adequately with your relationship. Do you think there is a down side to this arrangement? What would be the parameters you would want to set up today if you were the parent of a teenager yourself?”

If there is a downside, it would be that she sometimes seems overbearing about making sure we have birth control. I am fully capable of getting my own protection so it just gets annoying when she keeps asking if we need condoms, although I think she has realized in the past few months that I am capable of getting my own and has stopped asking. If I were a parent, I would want to be open about all matters of sexuality but also I would understand if they did not tell me when they started having sex or something like that. I would like to know their partners but also understand that this may not always happen. I think a parent of a teenager should be more of an advisor than a dictator, there at all times to talk but not to rule. However, as I get older my views may change but I hope to be a good father (of adopted children) one day.

Again, I really appreciate everyone who sent in questions, I really had to think about my answers! I enjoyed blogging here for the past two weeks and would like to do it sometime in the future if I or someone else can come up with ideas for new posts! Thanks to Karen for allowing me this opportunity, and if anyone still has questions, that e-mail address is still usable!

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

My girlfriend and I had been having sex for at least three months when finally we got caught. I was just about to go take a nice warm bath after we were done but we cuddled for a bit too long and her mom came in before she was dressed. This is where things broke down. She asked her why I was seeing her naked. Then she just started yelling, threatening to take her out of our school, threatening to do lots of things for no reason. Talking about how she couldn’t trust us anymore. Although it took awhile she eventually calmed down. Although she was not happy with it, she eventually realized that there was no way to really stop us and practically gave us her blessing. Why she had to yell and throw a fit in the first place is something I may never understand. Now she gives us space and privacy when we are together (which is not as often as I would like as she is at college four hours away). We are now allowed to sleep in the same bed at night and generally do whatever we wish to do as long as we are not to loud. I really appreciate how open her mom has become now and I think all parents should be that way. I do wish more parents would stop and think about their reaction if they catch their son or daughter. Yelling at us only put up a wall between us and her mom, and if anything would have made us more determined to get away with it without her permission had she persisted. Had she stopped to think instead of jumping all over us, we could have talked about it like rational adults.

Also remember that next Friday I will be answering any questions you have about teenagers and sex. So please e-mail me your questions! justanotherteen@gmail.com

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

She was my first girlfriend, and still is. We are now practically engaged, minus the ring, but I am getting a bit ahead of myself. It all started when I was bored out of my mind while home from the residential high school that this particular girl and I attended. I had liked her all year but my roommate asked her out the night before I was planning to! Looking back, it was a good thing he did because I was definitely not mature enough for a serious relationship at the time. But back to being at home and bored. I called several different friends because I was so bored. Somehow this particular girl and I hit it off and started talking for close to five or more hours a day. We didn’t talk about anything in particular and formed a close seemingly platonic relationship. I had always liked her and the more we talked the more I wanted to ask her out, but as I said she was my first girlfriend and I was afraid of ruining the friendship if the feelings were not reciprocal. Although we lived four hours away, we happened to be in the same place on my birthday weekend. With my older brother and some of his friends, we went to the mall, the movies, and then dinner. I wanted to ask her out the entire time but couldn’t get the courage. We talked that evening and I was just in that between awake and asleep state when she called back. “Would you maybe, like want to go out sometime, or something, like next time I am in town?” Even though I was half asleep I was certainly smiling now! In order to not make a fool of myself the next morning, I sheepishly asked if she had really called after I was asleep last night, and she said she had. I told her I thought she had asked me out but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, which she thought was adorable, of course (needless to say I do not find it so funny, but I digress). We started spending time together with me traveling to her house to spend a weekend or week at a time with her. Although we had not been together officially for very long, we had practically been dating over the phone for the past month and a half. She surprised me with how fast she moved and I got my first kiss while her mom was asleep in the other room. Before to long, we had proceeded to intercourse when her mother left us home alone for hours at a time.

The rest of the story on Friday with: Getting caught with my girlfriend: How not to react!

Also remember that next Friday I will be answering any questions you have about teenagers and sex. So please e-mail me your questions! justanotherteen@gmail.com

Ah, the eternal question all middle school students whisper in the halls about. (Some high school students too, by the way.)

I know a young woman who had a rule that she could not go on dates until she was 16. So she did not have “boyfriends” but just “friends.” So she and her male friends (really, sometimes they were just friends) would do things together. But they were never called dates, they were never formalized in that way. And those outings would always include other friends as well. By the time this young woman was 16, she had had numerous boyfriends - at least 10. So the point is that a parental rule about dating rarely affects a young girl’s ability to be romantically involved.

So what is the point of a parental rule about dating then? To stop young people from spending time alone as a couple at the movies or a restaurant? To slow down a budding romance? To stop the couple from having sex?

I’m not really sure. And I don’t think there’s much point in a rule against dating. I don’t think it really accomplishes any of the things listed above. The only useful point I can think that a dating rule might accomplish is to stop a young couple from thinking of themselves as dating. This might slow a romance down. But not by much. And the costs in terms of the parental-child relationship by imposing such a rule far out weighs the potential benefits.

But what do you think? What are the potential benefits of a rule against dating? What are the potential downsides? Do you have such a rule for your teenager? How’s it working out for you? Did your parents have such a rule for you? How did it work out?  Perhaps an even bigger question: What does it mean to be “ready to start dating”?

Ah…those endless days at home or at your grandmother’s house, with no one but family in sight. If you’re not out of town, it doesn’t really matter, because everyone else is anyway… None of the family cares about the things you care about, and they all make it very obvious by ignoring you during Thanksgiving dinner. All the worser if you’re a teenager with a significant other significant enough for you to want to spend Thanksgiving Dinner with him or her instead of your family…but apparently not significant enough for your family to allow it. So. Typical.

Of course, if you’re on the other end of that experience, your once lovely and family-devoted child has suddenly decided that any other random family or friend is better than the ones at home who have showered time, attention, and love on him or her. Your child has suddenly developed a major attitude and, indecipherably, become a vegetarian last week and decided to lectured everyone in the family about the poultry industry over the turnkey Thanksgiving dinner… And suddenly you think that foisting the kid off to some other unsuspecting family might not have been such a bad idea after all…

So what to do? Several Holiday with Teenagers Survival Hints:

1. Remember that teenagers’ connections with their friends and sweethearts is very, very important, even during family holidays. Consider letting them spend time with whoever is around, particularly a boyfriend or girlfriend, so long as they don’t completely neglect their own family. Everyone will be happier.
2. Also remember that teenager’s convictions are very, very important, especially when they sense that someone is being dismissive of them. So if you think that your teenager has a value that might be challenged by the holidays, talk about it with them before hand. Together, come up with a plan of when and how to talk about it with the rest of the family. Give credence to your kid’s values (even if you think they will be short lived), and then make sure that the rest of the family does as well.
3. Breathe deeply. These teen years are short and passionate. Enjoy them for what they are. As with the sweetnesses and horrors of toddlerhood, they too will pass.

I happen to live with a city planner. Among other things, this means that my professional books (Reviving Ophelia, Reaching Up For Manhood, You Look Too Young to be a Mom) are interspersed with his professional books (Toward the Livable City and An Ecological History of Agriculture, 10,000 B.C. - A.D. 10,000). Fascinating stuff, all around, isn’t it?

A few days ago, I was idly flipping through one of his books, and found something that was surprisingly interesting and relevant to this blog. The book is called The Preindustrial City: Past and Present, by Gideon Sjoberg, and the version that we have was printed in 1960. The version on Amazon was printed in 1965.

Here is what struck me as interesting:

This early matrimony, of course, obviates any “youth culture” - such a conspicuous part of the industrial-urban scene, where the rapid social change brings about a hiatus in the outlook of contiguous generations.

So Mr. Sjoberg is suggesting that there is a correlation between later marriage and intergenerational conflict. When young people are given time between childhood (pre-puberty) and adulthood (i.e., marriage) is when they formulate ideas and values that are in conflict with their parents’ ideas and values. Very interesting!

I have been hearing whispers here and there from the extremes of the abstinence-only movement and the more extreme Muslim movements that it might be a good idea to return to marriages at the time of puberty to prevent out-of-wedlock sexual behaviors. While I don’t think that many people would agree with that sentiment, it would certainly go far in preventing adolescent extra-marital sexual behaviors.

What these relative extremists are accepting is what many of the main-line members of these organizations and much of adult American society rejects: the notion that teenagers want to have sex, and will generally find a way to do so. Given the existence of adolescent sexuality as a baseline, the early-marriage proponents are simply looking to find a way to make it acceptable. That is, having it occur within the context of marriage.

But that’s just not a good solution. The issues of power and gender inherent in early, arranged marriages are huge, and not worth the pay-off (of no extra-marital sex).

This reality of adolescent sexuality can only be appropriately addressed once everyone, including parents, accepts the reality that teenagers, even their children, are sexual beings, and that most of them will act on those sexual desires before they turn 20.

The solution is to stop ignoring adolescent sexuality and to start teaching them to make good choices about their sexuality.

If you’re looking for someone to teach your teenager about sexuality, or to guide you in teaching your teenager about sexuality, e-mail me. Sexuality education isn’t something that should be left to chance or to the schools. Parents and families need to take ownership of it.

Friends with benefits–Two good friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment. (definition taken from the Urban Dictionary)

Are these kinds of relationships good or bad? Well, it depends on your perspective.

The NYTimes published an article about FWB yesterday. Although they don’t make an explicit judgment call on the properness of FWB relationships, they seem to imply that it’s fine as long as both people are aware of the potential downsides. According to a recent study, sex in a friendship can become a bit of an albatross: it’s always there, but never spoken about. The fear in a FWB relationship is that one person will become more invested in the relationship than the other person. That someone will fall in love - or at least in more than lust - and both the friendship and the sexual relationship will be ended. The study found that 60% of Michigan State students had been involved in at least one FWB relationship.

Here’s what the study says about how these relationships end:

• 1 out of ten became romantic relationships
• 3 out of ten stopped the sexual part but remained friends
• 2.5 out of ten stopped both the sexual and friendship part of the relationship
• 3.5 were still in a FWB relationship

So back to our original question: are these kinds of relationships good or bad?

Well, as a general kind of relationship they’re fine. They offer a way to be sexual without the emotional distractions and inherent issues of a romantic engagement and without the safety issues involved in hook-ups or one night stands. And let’s be honest: most college students are sexual. So FWB widens the options to have safe, respectful sex.

On the other side, some may argue, sex belongs in a monogamous, committed relationship. Maybe even - gasp! - only after marriage.

But that’s just not how people in their 20’s are having sex these days. And the critical part of our sexuality is that it feeds our soul and supports us as we learn more deeply about ourselves and those we are in relationship with. And FWB is one way to do that.

So what is your experience? Have you ever had a FWB? How did it end up? How do you perceive the relationship with the increased clarity of hindsight?

(And just to be clear, I’m talking about vaginal intercourse here, folks.)

1. Have an orgasm.
Yes, before you start having sex, you should give yourself an orgasm. It’s important to know what feels good to you.

2. Know the other person’s sexual history.
And I don’t mean just vaginal intercourse for this one!

3. Know the other person’s STI status, as well as your own.
The only way to know this for sure is to be tested! And if you’re both virgins, well, you’re not going to be for long. You might as well get that scary first STI testing out of the way so you’ll know what to expect next time around.

4. Talk about exactly what STI protection and birth control you will be using.
These two issues go hand-in-hand (for heterosexual couples), and it is the domain of both parties to be intimately involved.

5. If you are part of a heterosexual couple, talk about what happens if the woman gets pregnant.
Here are a few options to talk about, in alphabetical order: abortion, adoption, raising the kid alone, raising the kid together. With the understanding that reality is different than the theoretical, make sure you’re both on the same theoretical page.

6. Have your best friend’s blessing.
We can rarely see someone we’re in love with clearly. It is often our best friends who can see our lovers and our potential lovers for who they really are. Listen to what your best friend has to say, and take it to heart. If it’s not what you wanted to hear, give it some time. Wait a month. A good relationship will be able to withstand another month before having sex. Then ask a different friend, and see what they have to say.

7. Meet your partner’s parents.
At the very least, make sure you know why you haven’t met your them. The best sex comes out of knowing someone well, and knowing someone’s family is an important part of knowing them. (Even if they’re really, really different from their family.)

8. Be comfortable being naked in front of each other.
You don’t actually have to strip down in broad daylight to make sure you’ve reached this milestone, but it sure helps!

9. Have condoms on hand.
Make sure they fit right, that they’re within the expiration date, and that they haven’t been exposed to extreme conditions (like the inside of a really hot car). Condoms should be part of any respectful sexual relationship. There need be no assumption of hook ups outside of the relationship, just an assumption of good sexual habits being made and kept.

10. Make sure that your partner has done all of these things too.
Part of a happy, healthy sexual encounter is taking care of everyone’s emotional needs and physical health. Both people need to pay attention to themselves and to their partner. That way each person has two people looking out for them. It’s just the best way to do things.

This is fabulous short movie (running time 18:29 minutes). Here is the synopsis from the Reel NY Film Festival site:

A Brooklyn teen hides an important secret while on a quest for intimacy and inclusion. Some secrets we should tell. Some questions we should ask.

But this just doesn’t do the film justice. It has won several awards, including the Best Student Film from the Hollywood Black Film Festival. I looked for the film on youtube, but couldn’t find it, so I can’t post it here. So please click on the link and watch it on the Reel NY Film Festival site. Then make sure your teenager watches it too. Here are a few questions to guide your conversation:

• At what point should the girl have told the boy her secret?
• If you were the girl, do you think you would have made the same choices?
• If you were the boy, what would your reaction be? Would you continue to see the girl?
• Should the mother have told the boy?

But remember, these are not just questions for the teenager to answer thoughtfully - they’re questions for the parent to consider deeply as well.

Dating is a social trend that apparently started around 1920. That is, dating as defined by two young people going out to do something (often dancing or movies) together, alone. Several sources on the subject point to the accepted dating trend of “rating and dating” and “petting and paying.”

The first of these all-too-cute phrases, rating and dating, refers to competitive dating, or young men with more money and material goods were more able to date more, and more attractive young women. It seems to me that this had actually been going on for some time, but with marriage in mind. In the 1920’s it probably changed to a less-committed and younger crowd.

The second phrase, petting and paying, refers to young men who would pay the young women’s way on the date, and at the end of the date they would sit in the young man’s car and “pet.” Petting could include just about every sexual act short of sexual intercourse, although probably not as much oral sex as is seen in teenage crowds these days. But really anything that would not get a young girl pregnant was fair game.

Now, I’m not sure how your teenage dating lives went, but mine were pretty different than what is described here. Not, that is, the rating and dating system. That was firmly and uncontroversially in place. The primary difference was that I tended to pay my own way in order to avoid the feeling of obligation to make-out, or pet. Occasionally, on a particularly romantic evening, a young man who was a long-standing boyfriend would pay my way. But I was always slightly uncomfortable with that arrangement, I was somehow aware of this history of sexual obligation (perhaps my mother had connected those particular dots for me?) and sought to buck the trend.

So what are the dating trends that are affecting you or your son or daughter? What are the subtle obligations and expectations about sex and money that unfold during a date? How did you/are you handling them?

(The pictures at the top of the post are, of course, Mary Astor and John Barrymore, who dated from 1924 - 1925, with thanks to www.whosdatedwho.com.)