Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

I am, as you may remember, an editor for the Personal section of Blog Nosh Magazine. It’s great fun, mostly because I get to peruse old posts on great blogs and call it work. We take old posts that have fallen off the front page of other blogs and re-post them on Blog Nosh in their original entirety (with the original author’s consent, of course). I look for posts about sex and sexuality. If you know of any great blogs on the topic, please send them my way! It’s somewhat disheartening how hard it is to find really well-written blogs about sex. There are lots of other topics posted on Blog Nosh - I highly recommend you take a look because there’s sure to be something that interests you!

This morning I posted a great piece on Blog Nosh from Bitch, Ph.D. It’s more about adult sexuality and relationships than adolescent sexuality and relationships…but well, it’s too thought provoking and interesting for me not to post here too. So here you go:

Originally posted on Bitch Ph.D.

So here is the biggest, most annoying problem with having a feminist marriage:

No matter what you and your partner have agreed on, other people will cling to their antiquated notions.

It’s the biggest evidence to me that marriage is not just a contract between two people; it’s also a kind of social contact (for better or for worse). Like, if you and your partner decide to reverse conventional gender roles–you work the day job, he stays home with kids and kitchen–and you are perfectly happy with this arrangement (ok, reasonably happy). Lovely! You win! You and your partner have done all the hard work necessary in arriving at this decision, you have had principled discussions about division of labor, you have made sure that neither one of you is feeling coerced, that this is how you both want it to be, blah blah blah and now you can sit back and enjoy your domestic life. WRONG. Because now you have to deal with constantly explaining to everyone around you that, “no, this really is what we both want, no, I am not an emasculating bitch, actually this was his idea, no really you can ask him, no, he isn’t doing it “for” me, no, we’re not doing this to “prove” something, really, we are doing this because it works for both of us, individually and as a couple.”

Of course, you could refuse to explain all this, and then you have the fun of hearing the whispered comments, the second-hand hints from, oh, say, your sisters-in-law: “well, of course it’s none of our business, but we do wonder. . .”or “oh, I think it’s fine,” (gee, how big of you) “but you know, mother-in-law thinks you’re emasculating Mr. B.” And I like my mother in law, but jesus. Or things like snide comments about how little housework you do which make you want to scream about how you did the lion’s share of the housework for TEN YEARS, goddamnit, including while you were writing your dissertation and all that time you were teaching but of course that was always invisible.

It starts when you decide not to change your name, of course. You explain it to everyone, and then they get it wrong on the letters anyway. Which, you know, fine; I realize that people kind of default to the “normal” pattern without thinking. But my own father?!? Dude. It’s the same name I always had. It’s YOUR name. Get it right. And stop acting hurt when I get irritated by it. And then there are the casual acquaintances or new friends who, at some point, you have to tell–“well, actually Mr. B.’s last name is not B.,” and instead of just saying, “oh, okay” (I mean really. It’s unusual but not unheard of.) they say “really? Why did you do that? Did he mind? What did your parents think? What did his parents think? What about the kid? Don’t you think he’ll be confused? Why did you give him the last name you gave him? Isn’t that weird? Isn’t this kind of a weak feminist statement since you just have your dad’s name anyway?” and so on. Most of the time I really don’t mind this stuff. There’s a reason why I teach, and it’s because I love to explain shit. But occasionally I’ll step back and think, lord. Do I really have to explain all of this to every single person who asks? Do they really have the right to ask? Do they have the right to be irked if I’m feeling tired of it that day and just say something snotty like, “why the hell should I change my name?” and try to leave it at that?

And you know, the sex thing too. You decide hey, it’s really stupid to promise never to fuck anyone else for the rest of your life, which you hope will be long, and you agree okay, neither of us is the jealous type and possessiveness is stupid, so whatever, if something comes up or you get interested in someone else, go for it because we both know neither one of us is going anywhere. And this works for you, and it’s really not anyone else’s business, so you don’t make a big deal over it (plus, let’s not scare the horses), and really 95% of the time you act just like any other monogamous married couple. But guess what? Let’s say you get interested in someone else, and you make a move on them. Surprise! Three out of four decent men (which is to say, any guy who you would be interested in sleeping with, because you’re really not interested in creepy assholes) will freak out because you are married and they just can’t quite bring themselves to sleep with “another man’s wife.” Which you know, you have to respect, b/c first of all you can’t make someone sleep with you and second even if you could it would be illegal and wrong, and third of all, you don’t believe in lying or manipulating people so great. You’re just fucked. Or rather, you’re not.

Interestingly, Mr. B. has not run into the same reluctance from women, which means either he picks sluttier people than I do, or else (since I prefer to think he has good taste, for obvious reasons) women just have a li’l more progressive attitude towards this shit than men do, stereotypes notwithstanding. Which is actually what I think, given the responses of most of my women friends when (if) I tell them how things are. They mostly say, “wow, I envy you, but my guy would never go for that.”

Anyway, this is all apropos of nothing, because the guy I have a date with on Friday knows I’m married and finds it neither offputting nor creepily enticing, so that’s not what I’m on about. It’s just something I was thinking about on the drive home, the way that you think, when you’re young, that you and your partner will invent your marriage on your own terms, and by god, you do that! And it’s hard work! And yay you, both of you, for doing the work and picking someone who was smart enough to get it and do it too! But then you find out that it isn’t, in fact, entirely up to you. Which is just very annoying.

It makes you really feel for Lucy Stone.

Editors Pick by Dr. Karen at Adolescent Sexuality. Bitch Ph.D. tells it like it is like few people do. Her entire blog is, frankly, a breath of fresh air about parenting, relationships, and attempting to work-while-being-overeducated. It’s particularly interesting to read about a relatively normal nuclear family unit who are open to…openness.

There’s lots more to read on her site (she’s been writing since here since July 2004), and of course you should subscribe too. Be sure to check out the original post and read the comments too - there’s lots of them and they’re worth the read.

May blog

This post is written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen

The transition from high school to college can be a difficult one for both parents and teenagers. Although my transition will not be nearly the same since I have essentially lived in a supervised college setting for the last three years, I can understand the transition and the anxieties it may cause. Moving away from home to college is often the first chance that a teenager gets to live outside of their parents’ house and of course has many more freedoms than life at home. With these freedoms come freedom in sexuality, whether parents are ready for it or not.

Teenagers may suddenly discover that they can bring anyone back to their room, no questions asked. They can sleep with anyone they want whenever they want however they want. Their sexual outlook on life can change dramatically or only slightly, depending on how they were raised. I believe that if they are allowed the freedom to make their own sexual decisions while still in high school, they will be likely to remember to use a condom every time and less likely to make decisions they will regret. If they have not been allowed to make their own decisions when in high school, they will be less knowledgeable about the risks of unsafe sex and will be more likely to try it with the first person possible just because they can. I realize this is a vast over generalization and does not apply to lots of people. But I didn’t say this is how it would be, I just said it is more likely to be this way. And would you prefer that your teenager make mistakes at home or at college several hours away? Would you rather them be able to ask you about sexuality as they are experiencing it or just get their information from their peers in college. Obviously they are not always going to ask you even if you give them freedom in high school, but they are a lot more likely to then than later. That is my take on most people’s sexual transition from high school to college. Now for how mine will likely turn out.

Since I am already in a serious relationship, I doubt I will have the typical college sexual experience (as if there is such a thing). My relationship probably will not change much other than the fact that we will see each other all day long and we will be able to sleep together more often than we have been able to this past year. It will be nice because our relationship can be pretty rocky as a long distance situation. It is hard for us to both talk on the phone around busy schedules and homework, but when we can just be in the same room working together, we have no problems.

As always, feel free to email me at justanotherteen@gmail.com

How do you think relationships and a teens outlook on sex changes between high school and college?

Last week I wrote the first and the second parts of this series. I apologize for the longer-than-planned interlude before this, the third part!

Here is my position: Having sex with another person is a privilege, and with privilege comes responsibility. Hence, having sex with another person necessitates a level of responsibility both to that person and to yourself.

One commenter mentioned surprise that I used the word privilege to refer to sexuality - which she understands to be something inherent to our humanness, not a privilege. I agree. However, what I am talking about is the group of activities loosely categorized as “sex” as they happen between two or more people. And I do strongly believe that engaging with another person is a privilege, and that it requires responsibility.

In my first post, I outlined three levels of responsibility that sex requires: physical, relational, and social. In my second post, I described the physical responsibilities that come with sex. Today I’ll describe the relational, and tomorrow the social.

So what relational responsibilities come with having sex with someone? It means tending to the emotional relationship as well as the physical relationship. Here are some critical points:

1. Everyone involved has to actively want the sexual experience.
2. Everyone involved has to be on the same page about the meaning behind the sexual experience.
3. If someone is not in a state where they are able to make clear decisions because of drugs, alcohol, or emotional turmoil, don’t ask them to make sexual decisions.
4. If you have an STD/STI of any sort, you must disclose that before you get close enough that there is any chance of transmission.
5. If in doubt about someone’s desire, motives, or emotional or physical wellness, don’t have sex with them at that time.

I’ll be honest: I think this is fairly straight-forward stuff. But if these things were always self-evident to everyone, much would be different in this world. What that means is that teenagers need to learn these things as part of their sex education. There are lots of ways for teenagers to learn how to be relationally responsible sex partners, but probably the most common is through trial-and-error over time. But this method ends up with lots of people getting hurt until everyone has learned how to be sexually kind. I hope that you take the initiative, when you are talking about sex with teenagers, to provide guidance on how these teenagers can bring responsibility to their sexual relationships.

Yesterday I posted the first half of my interview with Sarah Dopp about her gender and sexual identity. We spoke about how she defines herself and how that has developed through her life and within her social networks. Today we talk about family.

___________________________

KR: Have you talked with your parents about your gender and sexual identity?

SD: Unfortunately, my dad died from a terminal illness before I was ready to talk to him about this stuff. I still wonder how those conversations would have gone. But my mom is incredible. We’ve talked so much about gender and sexuality, and every time we listen to each other, we both grow. She loves me deeply and she’s made a lot of space for me to be myself.

KR: How have those conversations gone?

SD: Now? They’re wonderful. But I’ll be honest — it’s taken a lot of work to get here. When I was fifteen and I had my first girlfriend, my mother asked me if I was a lesbian. I told her I thought I was bisexual, and she responded, “Bisexuality is bullshit.” That comment hurt me so much deeper than she intended it to. I became convinced that she’d never understand me, and I closed off the conversation for seven years after that. Later, she approached me about it again and started asking questions with openness and acceptance. Our conversations became messy and difficult, but they were always full of love, and we talked ourselves into a more healthy relationship. Her insistence on loving me exactly as I am has made it possible for me to feel comfortable in my skin today. I don’t know where I’d be without her.

KR: What about your extended family? Coming out to parents is often stressful to teenagers and young adults, but coming out to siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc can be much harder or much easier depending on the circumstances. How have those conversations gone for you?

SD: Yeah, that’s a hard one. My extended family is big and scattered. Half of them are liberal and half of them are conservative. But they all love me. Most of them have accepted that I’m ambiguously different and generally prefer not to talk about it. I’ve come out to almost all of them in one way or another — usually in the least confrontational way possible — and I’m giving them space to make sense of it. What matters most to them is who I’m going to bring home for Christmas. If I start seeing a man, then they’ll think of me as straight. If I take a female partner, then they’ll think of me as a lesbian. They just want to be happy, and in their eyes, happiness is a healthy marriage. I might never get married, but I’m not asking them to accept that right now. I’m just grateful to have a family that loves me, and I try not to mess with their heads too much. (It helps that I live on the other side of the country.)

KR: What is the best possible reaction a parent could have when their teenager or young adult child comes out as gay or bisexual? Why?

SD: Trust them to know themselves better than you can know them, and accept whatever they tell you as their truth. Even if it changes, it’s still their truth. Try to think of gender and sexuality as fluid things — they can change and evolve and that’s okay. Try not to get attached to labels. Check in with yourself, and ask yourself honestly if you love and accept your child exactly as they are. If you do, then communicate that to them every time you interact with them, and tell them it’s important to you that they love themselves. But if something about your child’s identity feels wrong or unfortunate or misguided to you, consider the possibility that you’re hearing from some of your own baggage, and that you don’t need to pass that onto your child. Find an LGBT-friendly cognitive-behavioral therapist for yourself (before you find one for your kid), and work through the parts of your reactions that feel blocked. And spend some time getting educated. Read books on the subject, or find someone who specializes in educating parents about adolescent sexuality. I happen to know a great one in Austin.

KR: What is the worst possible reaction a parent could have when their teenager or young adult child comes out as gay or bisexual? Why?

SD: LGBT youth have a frighteningly high suicide rate, so I have a very firm belief on this one: If you withhold love, acceptance, or privileges from your child in ANY WAY as a result of their gender or sexuality, you are putting their life at risk. You DO NOT have the power to change them, but you do have the power to influence their desire to live. It’s a hard and real truth. Take this responsibility very seriously.

KR: Thank you so much, Sarah! I think your insights have much to add to the conversation and to support parents of current questioning teenagers and young adults. Any last words you want to leave us with?

SD: Wow, I ended up going down some pretty serious paths there, didn’t I? That feels strange because my life is usually pretty joyful these days. I think it’s important to remember that there are as many different genders and sexualities as there are people in the world. The labels we use are just a short-hand for describing patterns, and sometimes they don’t cover everything. I believe in the inherent worth of all individuals, and I believe there’s no such thing as “too much love.” And also… when we learn to relax our grip on the categories, I’ve found that life becomes a whole lot more fun.

Several weeks ago a young woman contacted me. With her permission, I am posting her question:

Karen, there is this guy I like a lot and I think he likes me a lot. We work together and I really enjoy hanging out with him. I want to ask him out on a date since he is not making the first move. The problem is I am 16 about to turn 17 and he is 23 about to turn 24. So there is a 7 yr age difference. When I told mom I was thinking about asking him out she freaked out on me. I still really want to date him. Do you think 7 yrs is too much of an age difference? Thanks

And here is my response to her:

A big age difference is a complicated thing. 7 years difference is
clearly yucky in some cases (say, an 11 year old dating an 18 year old),
and is not a problem at all in others (say, a 40 year old dating a 47 year
old). The problem is that you and this guy are somewhere in between.

The other issue, of course, is the legal aspect. In many states a 23 (or
24) year old is not legally able to engage in sexual activity with a 16
(or 17) year old. And most dating relationships involve some sexual
contact. Seeing as you like this guy, I’m sure you wouldn’t want him to
be at risk of going to jail because of you. If your mom is dead-set
against your relationship with this man, than she can make the world very
hard on him.

However, that said, I am not one to freak out about a relationship just
because of an age difference. Too much has to do with who you are and who
he is!

So here’s what I would suggest: If you really like this guy, take the long
view of the relationship. Become better friends with him - hang out with
him outside of work - introduce him to your family and friends as just a
friend - meet his family and friends. But don’t come anywhere near a date
or a sexual relationship with him until (1) Your mom and your best friend
both really like him and both give you their seals of approval on starting
a relationship or (2) You turn 18, whichever happens first.

(Although I still think you should get your best friend’s approval even
after you’re 18! BFs can often see the men we like more clearly than we
can, and often have a better sense of whether he’d be OK to date.)

I’d love to know what you think of my advice, and what you decide to do!

She has since written me back and said that after careful consideration, she decided she liked my suggestions. She is going to invite her love-interest to her birthday party, where he can meet her mom and her friends.

I am delighted that this young woman felt that she wasn’t getting the support she wanted from her mother, but knew she needed help. It takes great inner-strength to know when you need advice and support and to be willing to seek it out.

One word of caution, however, to the parents out there: This young woman’s mother is uninterested and relatively unwilling to meet the young man. I am most disappointed by this turn of events, and would take her to task most severely if I knew her. Declining to meet your teenager’s friends and dates will not serve to keep them away from your child, it will only serve to keep you away from your child when they may need you the most.

 (Written by guest blogger Wendy Harlowe.)

I said I would write about substance abuse and adolescent sexuality, but I am amending that. I think there are plenty of people who use alcohol and drugs without abusing them (experimentation lies in this realm), but I think my opinions still stand.

Instances of rape (including date rape) are much, much higher if the girl/woman has had anything to drink, or any kind of recreational drug. And I think this isn’t talked about enough (although I know Dr. Rayne has referred to this correlation in the past). When you’ve had even one drink, your inhibitions lower and your natural caution goes by the wayside.

Please, consider, on a first date or any situation where you are around people you don’t know well, don’t trust well, please just don’t drink or drug! Its a good enough reason not to. The benefits of the recreation just don’t measure up to the serious safety issues.

I remember when I was young, my junior high actually showed “Reefer Madness” as an anti-drug message in our 7th grade science class. It was hilarious! And one of the things that’s important to include when talking to young people about the dangers of drugs and alcohol is that it feels good! That’s why people do it, and that’s why people can get addicted. Same thing with sex. When adults want to create “danger” messages, if they don’t include the fact that it all feels good, if they are only trying to scare youngsters into abstaining, kids can feel lied to. The message rings false. I don’t want to do that.

When experimenting as a child, teen, and/or young adult, just keep these safety factors in mind, and see if you can make the decision to only drink and/or drug if you are in very safe surroundings with very safe people. If you are ever having blackouts (periods of time when you are drinking where you can’t remember what you were doing), then realize that is a prime indicator of potential alcoholism. If you have blackouts, its really best that you not drink at all.

I don’t want to come across as a prohibitionist. Although I don’t drink at all any more, and I don’t take recreational drugs anymore, I have come to realize that some people can do these things in moderation. Even some binge drinking doesn’t mean certain alcoholism. (I’m in somewhat of a minority in the AA crowd these days.)

But I also know the pain of rape, and the pain of guilt. I absolutely don’t mean to blame a victim if she was impaired by alcohol, and was then raped. The rape doesn’t come as a result of the alcohol; the blame belongs with the rapist. But, especially in cases of date rape, the lines get so fuzzy and prosecution is practically impossible. I really want women to take care of themselves, and avoid sexual assault, and refraining from the use of drugs and alcohol is a very good preventative measure.

What do you think?

Conventional wisdom suggests that teenage boys have one thing on their minds. And it’s not history class. Statistics that support this theory abound: Teenage boys have testosterone surges multiple times a day. Teenage boys think about sex an average of every 28 seconds. The theories go on.

A study was recently published in the Journal of Adolescence called “I wanted to get to know her better”: Adolescent boy’s dating motives, masculinity ideology, and sexual behavior. (The first thing this proves, of course, is academics’ inability to create a short and snappy title.) The results from this study suggested that, while teen boys are not dis-interested in the physical, they are at least as interested, if not more interested, in building a good relationship with someone they really liked.

I like this study. I like it when researchers try to get past the conventional, stereotypical assumptions that inhabit most of our world and find out what’s really going on. I like it that they tried to create a study that actually got to know teenage boys rather than pigeonhole them.

Do I put substantial weight on the results of the study? Honestly, as a researcher and a statistician, I’m not sure.

Why did this study come up with different results from so many others? Can the results be replicated? What’s the researcher biased? Were the questions slanted? Is there a peer-group effect going on here? Basically, I want the differences between this research and past research and conventional wisdom explained before I jump excitedly on-board and start singing the results from the rooftops.

However, as a parent and a sex educator, I absolutely put substantial weight on the results of this study. I choose to believe that all people have the best possible motivations for their actions, including teenage boys.

It is critical that we interact with teenage boys with the assumption that they want high quality, mutually satisfying, and emotionally supportive romantic relationships.

Teenage boys are much more likely to live up to our assumptions and expectations of them than to put their own personal expectations far higher than those we set. This is really true of most people in most situations.

As parents of teenage girls this does not mean, of course, that we let every boy who comes over stay the night in our daughter’s bedroom because he probably means well. But it does mean that we treat him and his relationship with our daughter with respect and approval.

Teach teenage boys how to engage respectfully by respecting them. Assume the best of them so that they can assume the best of you. Get to know the teenage boys in your life so that they will want to get to know you.

Forget the statistics about teenage boys when you meet an actual teenage boy. Because when you do, there will be one individual standing in front of you. Maybe he is average. Maybe he is not. Regardless, the only way to know for sure is to get to know him.

Okay, so this site isn’t for younger teenagers - it explicitly states it’s for those 18 and older, actually. But it’s still a fascinating phenomenon. Crazy Blind Date. Ever heard of it?

They get your information, information about what kind of person you’d like to date, where in your local city you’d like to meet them, and when you’re available. Then they set you up with someone on super short notice - like, half an hour. And you’re not allowed to know anything about the person before you meet them at the date. You can go on a solo date or a double date.

I have to say, after reading through the site and generally approving of their methods to ensure you are who you say you are, I can see the appeal of going on a Crazy Blind Date.

Nevertheless, I also see the point that my friend who alerted me to the site made: It doesn’t seem too terribly safe. Even though you’re meeting in public and have proved you are who you say you are and all that happy jazz. I think, were I a single college student, I would probably set up several blind double dates with a friend, to see if it was totally lame or not.

What do you think? Is Crazy Blind Date:

(A) a fun, spontaneous way to meet new people?

(B) another poorly conceived way to make yourself stalker-fodder?

This week - and Thursday in particular - is often either glorious or pure torture for high school students. (Or at least for the girls. I get the feeling there are plenty of high school boys who don’t really notice or care?)

Here’s what happened during my 4 years of High School Valentine’s Days:

Freshman year: A secret admirer gave me a stuffed Dopey doll (of the Seven Dwarfs fame). I hoped it was a different special someone than it turned out to be, but had a lovely time feeling admired nevertheless.

Sophomore year: Sat around grousing with a Senior friend about how horrible Valentine’s Day was when you’re alone. We decided to hang out that night, and ended up at an outdoors flower market and bought flowers for each other. There was a sense of innocence and ease between us. It was the start of a very sweet - if also very short - relationship.

Junior year: I was an exchange student in Germany, and was depressed in a general sense about my life. Looking back, I’m sure it was from a terrible lack of sun that I’m used to here in Texas.

Senior year: My boyfriend left a carpet of rose petals from my front door to my car door, where he had tucked in a calligraphy poem he wrote to me. Flowers were delivered to me at school, and he took me out for a romantic dinner that night. We probably made out afterwards, or maybe had sex. Romance at the highest level!

Looking back now, I think my sophomore year Valentine’s Day was my favorite. There was no stress, there was no judgment, there was no expectation about the night itself or about the good-bye kiss. My worst was hands-down my time in Germany.

What was your favorite Valentine’s Day during High School? What was the worst? What did you learn from those experiences?

Yesterday I wrote about the Silver Ring Thing. Among other issues with this program, I talked about the Born-Again Virgin process, and how much I dislike it. One of the reasons I dislike it is because I think it teaches teenagers (and pre-teenagers) that sexuality is something you can annul. You can deny it’s existence. And, most importantly, you can deny your own past experiences with it.

This really does the exact opposite of what I think the Silver Ring Thing folks want. By giving teenagers the adult- and religion-sanctioned ability to claim a sexual encounter did not happen, they are dis-honoring the sexual encounter itself.

Now, there are certainly times and places where a sexual experience was just bad, particularly in retrospect. And it is very appealing to think that it can be annulled - rather like a regrettable marriage. But here is a time for working on self-forgiveness, rather than denying the past. This is a time for understanding that mistakes make us, in part, the wiser people we are today. Teenagers need education in self-compassion rather than simple denial.

I remember a friend of mine from high school decided he was a born-again virgin. He had had two stable, loving, monogamous relationships with two good friends of mine. He had sexual intercourse within each of those relationships. Both of the girls were virgins before their relationship with this young man. Neither of the break-ups included much anger or animosity. After the second of these relationships ended, my young male friend decided that he would be a born-again virgin.

To me, that suggested that he was denying the closeness, both physical and emotional, that he had with those two young women. What an extremely hurtful thing to do to a past lover. They both considered that they had had sex with him - but he no longer acknowledged his part in that experience.

From that point forward, when asked, he would say he had not had sex. That was a misrepresentation to potential sex partners. It so happened that he did not have any STIs and had not gotten anyone pregnant, but he certainly had had the opportunity to do both of those things.

Now, had my friend simply said that he was not going to have sex again until marriage - that would have been different. Deciding to be sexually abstinent is a choice that I, essentially, support anyone making for themselves. But this “born again virgin” thing is ridiculous.