Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Okay, so to be more specific, there are two Austin teenagers who are my personal heroes. I don’t know their names, or the names of any of their 20-odd friends who
stood around and watched while they changed my tire in a parking lot at 2am late Sunday night. But I do know that there could not have been a more Heavenly-clad Angel than those two young men.

So let’s back up a bit. Here’s the lead-up to the event late Sunday night:

Last week I spent much of Tuesday and Wednesday preparing and filming for a documentary (which will probably be released in March 2009, but I’ll be sure and let you know more when it comes about). Then on Thursday I drove to Dallas to participate in a training with the First Unitarian Universalist Church to become a trained Our Whole Lives: Sexuality and Our Faith educator for Middle and High School students. In addition to partaking in this rigorous and exhausting training, I stayed up late with my 18-year-old brother. My brother and I haven’t had much chance to chill without my children metaphorically pulling his hair and stepping on his toes, so I was happy to take the chance that presented itself. Sunday night at 6pm, my brother graduated from High School (something we weren’t sure would happen until Friday afternoon) and I didn’t get on the road home until 9:30 at night.

So I was tired. I was really, really, really tired in a deep, emotional way. But more than sleep, I wanted to get home to snuggle with my kids. So home I came.

I was maybe fifteen miles from home, at 1:30am, and my tire exploded. On a highway. On a bridge. Over a lake. I cried. Literally.

And then I drove my car as slowly as I could down the highway (terrified as cars whipped around me at six or seven times the speed I was going) to the next exit and pulled in to a 24-hour pancake shop.

Embarrassingly, I have no idea how to change a tire.

So I’m sitting in the parking lot, looking at my torn-up tire, when approximately 30,000 cars come screaming in - and one of them (a blue sports car) almost runs me over. 100,000 teenagers jump out of the cars, much like circus clowns, and start swarming towards the promise of pancakes. I am devastated because my last hope before waiting 45 minutes for a tow truck was to ask the pancake host to change my tire, and there was no way that was going to happen any more.

Until two of the teenagers start rummaging through my open trunk without looking at me or speaking to me.

So here’s where someones gut reaction to teenagers becomes crystal clear. Do you trust them or not? Do you think, as a group, they are good people, or out to bother you? Do you:

(1) start screaming at the inconsiderate teenagers for trying to steal your stuff in front of you?

or

(2) start crying and thanking them for changing your tire?

If you chose option (1), you might still be at that pancake shop waiting for a tow truck. These two youth were quick and effective tire-changers, and something of elaborate showmen as well.

These two youth were, in fact, heroes. Angels. My saviors.

So look at teenagers next time you’re out. They probably don’t look any different from the kind and generous teenagers who changed my tire so unexpectedly. Really, they probably don’t. Really, really and truly, regardless of how outrageously or thuggishly dressed or adorned they look, they look no more so than my heroes.

Here is my challenge to you: Be as kind and open and non-judgemental to each and every teenager you see on the street as this group was to me. Look them in the eye. Smile. Say hi. If you can provide them any service, then do it! And let me know how it goes - or how it has gone in the past if you’re already bridging that generational gap.

I recently spoke with a group of parents of second graders. They asked me to come and talk about how/when to talk with their children about sex and the myriad issues associated with it. They also wanted some assistance to help them come together into a cohesive group for the many years of parenting children in the same class (the school is a small private one, and many of these parents expect their children to be together through high school).

Many of the parents have contacted me since the meeting, saying how much they feel they gained from the discussion. Points I have heard from these parents include:

• feeling more connected to the other parents
• feeling more confident in raising the subject of sex with their children
• having a better understanding of an appropriate trajectory of learning about sexuality
• having increased understanding of how current teenagers are tending to engage sexually

However, the most interesting point came from one mother who has talked with me about adolescent sexuality before. She reiterated, in one way or another, all of the comments above, that other parents have said as well. But then she went on to say that through our conversations she has come to understand her own path of learning about sexuality and her own sexual history in more clarity, and she thanked me specifically for helping her along that path.

As parents raise their children, they often come face-to-face with their own paths. This is particularly true of issues of sex and sexuality, because these topics are so personal and often not discussed openly. What this means is that when sexuality does start to become openly discussed - perhaps for the first time when a parent is explaining and teaching their child - strong memories and emotions can surface.

Traversing these pathways can be difficult. If you feel you or your group of parent friends would benefit from me coming and talking you through some of these steps, please do not hesitate to contact me.   I talk with parents of children of all ages, and I would love to support your process of increasing sexuality education in the home.  I can meet with you in person or by phone.

I am about to drive to the Houston airport.  I am going there for personal reasons, but will now make the drive thinking about one 14-year-old Houston girl who was at the airport yesterday.

The AP reports that this young teenager gave birth to a stillborn fetus in an airplane bathroom.  She put the fetus in the trash bin and returned to her seat.  A stewardess found the fetus after landing when she was cleaning the bathroom.  The teenager did not know she was pregnant.  I’m sure she had no idea what to do when she went to the bathroom with cramping and then realized what was happening.

There were many places along this girl’s way when some informational and emotional sexuality education could have been highly effective.

This world of ours is so full of pain and sorrow.  My heart goes out to this child, who did not feel she had the ability or the resources to reach out for support in her moment of such extreme need.

(Thanks to Rev. Debra Haffner for the link.) 

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.)
My guest blog for this month will be about 4parents.gov. I found this website through a commercial (they are all on their site) and I must say, it kind of disturbed me. On the about us page, they said this:

“4Parents.gov is part of a national public education campaign to provide parents with the information, tools and skills they need to help their teens make healthy choices, including waiting until marriage to have sex. Nothing is more important for a child, pre-teen, or teen than a caring parent. If pre-teens and teens are going to make the choices that will help them grow up to be healthy adults, they need parents to talk with them about important topics like sex and relationships. 4parents.gov is meant to give parents the information and guidance they need for having these conversations”

To me, it makes no sense. I mean, I realize it is just a further extension of the current administrations abstinence-only sex education, but seeing it so blatantly in print makes it worse. So making the choice to have sex before marriage, according to this website, is unhealthy. And apparently you won’t grow up to become a healthy adult if you don’t wait until marriage either! Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the fact that it is important to have a caring parent, but to say it is only healthy to wait for sex seems a bit over dramatic and damaging even.

“Do you know that 53% of high school students have not had sexual intercourse?”

By their own admission, almost half of high school students have had sex. I know they meant for this to bolster their case, but in my eyes it weakens is. By saying that almost half have sex, and yet also saying that there is no need for anything but abstinence only sex ed, they seem to contradict each other. I mean, is failing to tell teens the ways to protect themselves as much as possible not the same as condoning the transmission of STDs and unwanted pregnancies? Because in my eyes failing to tell teenager about contraceptives is like saying “I hope you get chlamydia if you have sex before marriage!”

“Do you know that, according to one survey, two-thirds of teens who have had sexual intercourse wish they had waited?”

According to one survey? One? With all the government funding going into this project, they could only find one survey that supported the numbers they wanted to use, huh? I’m sure with enough funding and time I could get a similar number of respondents to say that the moon is made out of cheese!

As many parts of the site as I hate, there are some good parts to. In the “What if my son or daughter tells me he or she is gay?” page, it has this good advice:

“If you believe your teenager may be gay, or is experiencing difficulties with gender identity or sexual orientation, consider the following points:

• All children, pre-teens, and teens need to feel accepted and loved. Remember, your son or daughter is probably very scared about having this conversation with you. Accepting your son or daughter can help lead to strong, life-affirming relationships in the future.
• Some teens who question their sexual orientation are at increased risk for depression, attempted suicide, or other problems
• Some parents need help in understanding and communicating with their son or daughter. You have made a great step in this direction already by visiting this website.
• Counselors and other health professionals may be helpful for both teens and parents when addressing difficult issues.”

Please look over this site and tell me what you think in the comments section! And, as always, feel free to email me at justanotherteen@gmail.com !

I have been thinking a lot recently about teenage moms.

I wasn’t a teenage mom myself - I was 21 when I got pregnant - but I looked like a teenager, and was often treated like a teenage mom. In other words, strangers felt they could make derisive comments about (a) my assumed inability to parent, as attributed to my age, (b) my assumed lack of responsibility, as evidenced by inability to use birth control, and (c) my assumed poor choice in a job as a nanny, because clearly I was too young to have my own child.

The thing was, I knew I could parent well, that I was responsible, and that I wasn’t too young to have my first daughter. I had an inner core of strength and belief in myself and my little family that I’m not sure many teenagers have.

The way to help families, even families with teenage parents, is to hold them, strengthen them, support them. Negative and assumptive comments by strangers, acquaintances, or friends do not support families.

I am reminded of a book I like, You Look Too Young to be a Mom, by Deborah Davis. It’s a collection of writings by teenage mothers and adults who use to be teenage mothers. Here is one poem that I think expresses teenage pregnancy well:

#9 Bus by Caitlin Crane

He unfolds like a Japanese fan

and I can feel his slippery feet

kicking my ribs like fence posts,

his head growing between my bones,

jumping with hiccups.

I can feel where his heart is beating

and where his fists, juicy plums,

beat out moon-music.

I want to move my swollen feet,

dance,

brave and hysterical,

down the narrow aisle.

I want to say to

this woman sitting next to me,

watching rain from the open window drip onto her sweater,

“My son is signing, can you hear him?”

To the bus driver, who has never heard of reggae,

who spent the seventies in a cathedral with Elvis,

I want to say,

“Listen, he is singing God songs.”

To the pretty girl with red hair and two babies,

who drinks orange juice out of a water bottle,

and coughs into her fist

I want to say,

“Why are your eyes apologetic?”

But when I turn to speak,

my mouth open and half a word hanging out,

I can see it in their skin.

Their faces thin over hard lines,

over, “Get her out of the welfare office, get her out of my wallet.”

Over, “Another one.”

And, “Poor baby, poor girl. She doesn’t even have a chance.

My son is coming,

And I don’t have the time to wait for you.

My son is coming

and he will dance to your echoes of injustice,

his face to the sun.

Today is Martin Luther King Day. To honor the work that Dr. King and so many others have given their lives for, I would like to talk about the Jena Six.

This is an on-going story of racial tension in Jena, Louisiana. The short version that has received national attention began with black students asking permission to sit under a particular tree at the local high school. White students hung nooses from the tree. Black students beat up white students. The black students were arrested and charged, many say excessively. You can read the whole story on Wikipedia.

This little snip-it of a story is not, of course, isolated. For whatever reason, this part of the story has grabbed national attention, but actually exists within a complex web of racism among adults and teenagers in Jena. However, it is the teenagers who brought this undercurrent of local racism to the extreme.

Teenagers are in a place of developing who they are and what they believe. As they work to understand the morals of those around them, and how they relate to their own morals, teenagers often feel and express extreme passion. The teenagers’ actions in Jena, Louisiana typify how this deep passion and commitment can go terribly array if it is not respected and directed by a moral upbringing and by caring, present adults.

(I speak, of course, about the actions of all of the Jena teenagers who have been in the national news, not of those of one race or the other. The beatings and the nooses were both devastating, as I am sure were many smaller, less well-known actions from both sides.)

Many adults are not sure how to guide teenagers towards appropriate actions. Teenagers’ fierceness and passion can sometimes overwhelm the slower, more thoughtful process that adults tend to favor. Dr. King’s message is one way to talk with teenagers about appropriate actions in the face of the truly inappropriate.

Dr. King’s message was one of peace and love. His commitment to taking only appropriate actions while fighting the inappropriateness of others is astounding and has the potential to be deeply meaningful to teenagers.

Teenagers can have the tendency to get very, deeply upset about injustice. This is right, and as it should be. We should all be very, deeply upset about injustice. Nevertheless, teenagers need to be taught that one’s own conduct must continue to be just in the face of injustice. Saying something like this has the potential to be of great value:

In the fight for right, you must always be sure to be on the right side yourself. Others can and will learn more from you when you live and demonstrate the values you preach.

Teenagers can hear this message, and can lean to respond to injustice with dramatic acts of justice rather than dramatic acts of injustice.

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

“You seem very open, honest, and liberal, but you depict your parents as fairly rigid and conservative. How much do you think your parents impacted who you are and how did they do that? I like the person you present yourself as and I sense that you like yourself as well. Do your parents like you as you are or do you hide most of what you have shared with us?”

As I mentioned in the response above, I think some of my attitude and outlook on life are simply the opposite of my parents because I saw them every single day and I wanted to be different. For instance, my parents are often late everywhere they go, so therefore I have a tendency to be early for everything. I think my parents impacted me a lot in some ways, mostly because I consciously tried to be different than they are. My parents know somewhat that I am do not hold their values, but not the scale of which I disavow their narrow-minded ideas. For instance, they do not know that I am bi-sexual. They do not fully realize that I have had sex. I did not even tell them I was dating someone for half a year.

“What do you think are the basic criteria for people (teens) to have and be competent at in order to be able to make a healthy decision to be fully sexual? When do you think teens are harmed by sex too early or with the wrong people? Have you seen much of the problems that can be created by inappropriately early sexuality or do you think there is such a thing as inappropriately early sexuality?”

I think that the age of sexual maturity (being able to make the decision to have sex for the right reasons, not just peer pressure or such) depends greatly on the individual person, the way they were raised, and their partner. I think both partners need to understand that although sex feels good on a physical and emotional level, there can be serious consequences no matter what form or forms of protection are used. They need to understand different forms of contraception and be comfortable with each other and themselves. It should not be a spur of the moment thing in my opinion, but something that is discussed with maturity. That said, I doubt very seriously that any teenage couples are really that prepared, myself and my girlfriend included! I think teens can easily be harmed by sex with the wrong person, especially if there is a large age gap or something else that gives one partner authority. That is not to say that a 15 year old and a 17 year old should not be having sex, again it comes back to the individual relationship. As for problems with early sexuality, I think they are often the same for sex at any age: unwanted pregnancy and STIs, etc. Also, I believe younger people in general have a higher risk of being emotionally scarred but when I think about it, and I have no experience with this, it seems like older people (i.e. Over 20) can be scarred as well from bad relationships, sexual or otherwise.

“Your girlfriend’s mom seems to have ‘come around’ and is coping adequately with your relationship. Do you think there is a down side to this arrangement? What would be the parameters you would want to set up today if you were the parent of a teenager yourself?”

If there is a downside, it would be that she sometimes seems overbearing about making sure we have birth control. I am fully capable of getting my own protection so it just gets annoying when she keeps asking if we need condoms, although I think she has realized in the past few months that I am capable of getting my own and has stopped asking. If I were a parent, I would want to be open about all matters of sexuality but also I would understand if they did not tell me when they started having sex or something like that. I would like to know their partners but also understand that this may not always happen. I think a parent of a teenager should be more of an advisor than a dictator, there at all times to talk but not to rule. However, as I get older my views may change but I hope to be a good father (of adopted children) one day.

Again, I really appreciate everyone who sent in questions, I really had to think about my answers! I enjoyed blogging here for the past two weeks and would like to do it sometime in the future if I or someone else can come up with ideas for new posts! Thanks to Karen for allowing me this opportunity, and if anyone still has questions, that e-mail address is still usable!

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

Although this post was originally supposed to be for Friday, I got so many good questions on Wednesday that I did not feel they would all fit in one post. That said, I am still open to more questions for the rest of today or until about 10 PM Eastern time. If you have questions, email me at justanotherteen@gmail.com.

I did not particularly ask people if they were OK with the use of their name with their question, so I will use caution and assume they wish to remain anonymous.

“I’m interested in your experience, and how you learned about masturbation … whether through self-exploration, or by being taught, either by another person, or from literature / porn.”

I have already said a brief amount about my masturbation experience, but not much, so I will go into more detail here. I started masturbating by rubbing on an old fleece jacket. I didn’t know what I was doing honestly, as I said I was extremely sheltered. Until I found jackinworld.com, I did not know what I was doing or how to “properly” do it, probably because I am circumcised and did not even think about lube. In my experience, I didn’t hear anything about it from others so I had no clue. Although many guys apparently share their knowledge of this pleasurable activity, I suppose I just did not have enough family members or friends close enough in age.

“Do you have any friends who are abstinent despite pressure to be otherwise? If so, why do you think they made that choice?”

As much as I should, I have not really talked to my friends about this matter. I am pretty sure many of them have never had sex but I do not know whether that is because of lack of opportunity or their own desire to abstain. Sorry I don’t have more information on this subject!

“Do you think that being in an all-male residential high school has had an impact on how you learned to relate with girls? Do you think it has been useful, or a hindrance?”

I’m sorry if I gave the impression that I live in an all-male school. In fact my school is open to both girls and guys, in separate monitored dorms. If I were in a single sex school, I would definitely think that would alter my ability to talk to girls. However, having lived the life that I have so far, I often have more female friends than male friends. I am by no means a player or anything, I simply have a strong feminine side in many ways and therefore relate better with females. That is actually one of the reasons I have such a strong relationship with my girlfriend. I am feminine in many of the same ways she is masculine and vice versa.

“So with uncommunicative parents and a rotten teacher at school, where did you get good information and a healthy attitude? What would you recommend to other teenagers in similar position.”

Looking back, it is really hard to tell where my attitude came from. I suppose it was partially because I wanted to be the opposite of my parents but more so because of the actions of my brothers, the Internet, and my life in a residential school. While my school itself is still rather conservative, living in a less supervised setting than at home as well as living with 300 other teenagers can lead to a large melting pot of ideas and values. The Internet also helped me learn about sex and masturbation before I arrived at school and likely laid the foundation for my current attitude. As for what I would recommend to other teenagers, remember to keep an open mind. Although the internet had laid the groundwork, I remember being shocked upon arrival at my school that they allowed an openly gay guy to be in a leadership position. My how my attitude has changed! I am now a member of our gay-straight alliance and I am wearing a new rainbow belt as I type this!

I apologize if this post does not seem as well put together as some others, but I only had about an hour to write this as opposed to more than a week for the rest! Thanks to everyone for the questions and comments/compliments. I have really enjoyed blogging here and love having an instant audience without having to build it myself!

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

As many great teachers as my school may have, there is one that I absolutely cannot stand. I was supposed to take Health Education in my sophomore year and I really wish I had. Unfortunately it would not fit in my schedule till my junior year. The coach that left at the end of my sophomore was a relative legend with the students. Despite being 70 years old, he had great relationships with students and was a very good coach. His version of teaching sex education as part of his class, according to other students, included having a table full of different contraceptive options on display and he would teach about all of them. Purportedly he sprayed spermicide all over the room on accident one day, and this was a room with carpet! Our next coach was not so open. In fact, he was quite the opposite. When it came time for reproductive health, it was clear that he was not at all comfortable with the subject despite having taught the material before at another school. He misspelled and butchered no less than five anatomical words, created a new hormone called proestrogen (progesterone), thought cervix was spelled cervex, and thought boys had a vas difernes (vas deferens), just to name a few. In addition to not being able to even say or spell the terms correctly, he refused to teach anything about contraceptives, saying that state law didn’t allow him to even give statistics. This didn’t sit well with me and I looked it up and printed an article that actually said the state requires contraceptive statistics to be taught. He blew this off in our class but I noticed he had made a poster with statistics on it for the next term of classes. Although I personally know enough about contraceptives to not be too worried about his refusal to teach us, I do worry for the others in the class that may have needed to know this information. As much as I think schools should be responsible for educating young teens about contraceptives, we know that some will not and totally ignore the fact. Even if you are not comfortable with the subject, I suggest finding some good information online and printing it for your son or daughter. It may be awkward, but it is far less so that finding out you are going to be a grandparent in a few months!

A friend has a teenage son. She was trying to figure out something to make him for Christmas. Of course, this is a very individual thing, and different teenagers like different kinds of things. But here are some ideas of things to make for teenagers:

• food (cookies, especially sugar cookies cut and decorated to look like a dinosaur eating Santa)
• hats, scarfs, mittens, etc.
• blankets/quilts/pillow covers
• poetry or an illustrated story book (again, it can be digitally created, so long as it’s fun and funny)
• cell phone/MP3 cases
• light switch plate covers (just get an image they like, glue it on to a plain white one, cover with clear contact paper, and cut out the little hole for the switch to poke through - ta da!)
• Christmas decorations
• socks/slippers
• posters (created digitally and then framed, of course)

Because here’s the thing: all of these things can be made (a) black, with a skull and crossbones on them, (b) pastel with lots of ruffles, and (c) everything in between.

The point is that teenagers are just people too. And like most people, they tend to like things that are made with them in mind. So figure out what it is that you feel like you can make, then get into your teenager’s head. Connect what you can make with what the teenager in question is into. Then just do it. If it’s a total flop, well, tell them that your second choice was to choreograph and perform an interpretive dance of their potty training experience. I guarantee your present will start looking better immediately.