Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

Although this post was originally supposed to be for Friday, I got so many good questions on Wednesday that I did not feel they would all fit in one post. That said, I am still open to more questions for the rest of today or until about 10 PM Eastern time. If you have questions, email me at justanotherteen@gmail.com.

I did not particularly ask people if they were OK with the use of their name with their question, so I will use caution and assume they wish to remain anonymous.

“I’m interested in your experience, and how you learned about masturbation … whether through self-exploration, or by being taught, either by another person, or from literature / porn.”

I have already said a brief amount about my masturbation experience, but not much, so I will go into more detail here. I started masturbating by rubbing on an old fleece jacket. I didn’t know what I was doing honestly, as I said I was extremely sheltered. Until I found jackinworld.com, I did not know what I was doing or how to “properly” do it, probably because I am circumcised and did not even think about lube. In my experience, I didn’t hear anything about it from others so I had no clue. Although many guys apparently share their knowledge of this pleasurable activity, I suppose I just did not have enough family members or friends close enough in age.

“Do you have any friends who are abstinent despite pressure to be otherwise? If so, why do you think they made that choice?”

As much as I should, I have not really talked to my friends about this matter. I am pretty sure many of them have never had sex but I do not know whether that is because of lack of opportunity or their own desire to abstain. Sorry I don’t have more information on this subject!

“Do you think that being in an all-male residential high school has had an impact on how you learned to relate with girls? Do you think it has been useful, or a hindrance?”

I’m sorry if I gave the impression that I live in an all-male school. In fact my school is open to both girls and guys, in separate monitored dorms. If I were in a single sex school, I would definitely think that would alter my ability to talk to girls. However, having lived the life that I have so far, I often have more female friends than male friends. I am by no means a player or anything, I simply have a strong feminine side in many ways and therefore relate better with females. That is actually one of the reasons I have such a strong relationship with my girlfriend. I am feminine in many of the same ways she is masculine and vice versa.

“So with uncommunicative parents and a rotten teacher at school, where did you get good information and a healthy attitude? What would you recommend to other teenagers in similar position.”

Looking back, it is really hard to tell where my attitude came from. I suppose it was partially because I wanted to be the opposite of my parents but more so because of the actions of my brothers, the Internet, and my life in a residential school. While my school itself is still rather conservative, living in a less supervised setting than at home as well as living with 300 other teenagers can lead to a large melting pot of ideas and values. The Internet also helped me learn about sex and masturbation before I arrived at school and likely laid the foundation for my current attitude. As for what I would recommend to other teenagers, remember to keep an open mind. Although the internet had laid the groundwork, I remember being shocked upon arrival at my school that they allowed an openly gay guy to be in a leadership position. My how my attitude has changed! I am now a member of our gay-straight alliance and I am wearing a new rainbow belt as I type this!

I apologize if this post does not seem as well put together as some others, but I only had about an hour to write this as opposed to more than a week for the rest! Thanks to everyone for the questions and comments/compliments. I have really enjoyed blogging here and love having an instant audience without having to build it myself!

(Written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen.) 

My father is a minister and has been since he was 17. I will not name the denomination but it is obviously a Christian one and saying my parents are conservative is like saying the galaxy is big. Therefore, you can probably guess about the extent of sex ed I got from my parents: not much. My family could never openly talk about sex. Ever.

My older brothers are 5 and 7 years older than me so they were almost out of the house before I was a teen, but I did realize they had sex before marriage, in fact my oldest brother has three children from two different mothers, but that is a side story. My parents decided it would be a good idea to use the “True Love Waits” program with my brothers. I am not sure if anyone else remembers it or is familiar with it, but basically it is a card that teens sign that is basically a “contract between them and God.” They then took my brothers out to a really expensive dinner when they turned 16 and gave them a TLW ring. This was their visual sign that they were set apart, blah blah, blah. Well, as I have already told you, they both broke these vows within two years.

As for my personal experiences with talking about sex and my parents, they were fairly non-existent. Their idea of a puberty talk was giving me a book. I was to young at that point to care so I chunked it in my closet. A year or two later I found it and read it all in one night because I was intensely curious about those matters finally. I had started masturbating but thought I was the only one on the planet who did such a thing. The book said nothing about it and I did not even know the term for it until I stumbled across a website called jackinworld.com. It let me know that what I was doing was perfectly normal and gave me tips to help along with a plethora of other articles. Unfortunately my parents found out I had been surfing on this website and put very strict parental filters on the computer. They had a talk with me about masturbation and said it was OK but they didn’t agree with a lot of stuff on that website. They didn’t offer to get me tissues or lotion or anything of the sort, they just said it was OK as long as my “mind was clean while doing it.”

After this incident, it was awhile before the subject of sex came up again. I was a bit of a late bloomer as I have previously discussed and did not get my first girlfriend until I was 17. Since I lived at school and with my brother a good bit of the year, and because I didn’t want to be lectured about the virtues of waiting for marriage, I neglected to tell my parents I had a girlfriend for 7 months. They still do not realize how serious we are and that we have been having sex for over a year and a half now. I find it sad that I cannot openly talk to my parents about things of this sort. If I did, there would be lots of crying and screaming involved. I already do not live with them so they cannot kick me out, but I imagine they may try if I was.

Please try to have a more open and accepting relationship with your children. Regardless of whether or not you agree with their decisions, they are not yours to make and your teenager will generally listen more if you don’t shove your morals down their throat.

P.S. I have only gotten one question for my post on Friday. I would really like to respond to more than one question with an entire post! If you have anything to ask about teen sexuality e-mail me at justanotherteen@gmail.com.

Thanks!

Late last night my dear partner (you remember, the city planner?) asked if I remembered the doll called something like Betsy Busty - the doll whose arm you twisted and her breasts grew. I admit, I jeered at him. But since we have a fast Internet connection, he was able to prove his point before I had even gotten a good laugh up and running. I give you: Growing Up Skipper and Growing Up Ginger.
You can kind of see the instructions on the Ginger box, but here’s the easier-to-read version: twist Skipper’s or Ginger’s left arm, and her breasts grow larger and she gets taller (her waist lengthens). Apparently there was some controversy at the time (1975), but Skipper still went into production. Then later came Ginger.

I am, I admit, rather stunned by the outrageousness of this. The body image issues. The inappropriate puberty expectations. The bizarre plastic torso. I could go on.

Did you have a Growing Up Skipper/Ginger doll when you were a child? If you didn’t, you probably did have some toy that you would never buy your child - as times change, so do our perception of the appropriateness of toys. So what toy(s) did you have that would be considered inappropriate by today’s standards, either for safety or body image or some other reason?

Teen brain development and patterns are such that many teenagers just aren’t able to fall asleep before 11pm or midnight. This all comes down to brain chemistry and when those chemicals are released during a typical day.

So late sleep times, combined with typical high school start times as early as 7:30, means that most teenagers just aren’t getting enough sleep. That has all sorts of negative effects on memory, physical development, decision making, and other important things. But most of these things just don’t have a big impact on a teenager’s decision to try to go to bed earlier.

Finally, here is some research that might actually impact your teenagers to try to go to bed earlier.

It’s been clear for a couple of years that adults who get less sleep tend to have higher Body Mass Indexes (BMI), but now it also appears that children who get less sleep in the 3rd and 6th grades are likely to have a higher BMI in 6th grade. Since this finding has held true on both ends of adolescence, my smart money is on it being true in adolescence as well.

But either way, most teenagers legitimately have a hard time going to sleep at a decent hour because of their brain chemistry. Don’t be too hard on them because of it - they’re probably already feeling the pain of not enough sleep without anyone else pointing it out.

You may have noticed over the past few years that sexy Halloween costumes are becoming more and more popular with younger and younger girls. Do a Google search for sexy Halloween costume and you get close to 2 million hits - and that’s with the safe search on! And yes, it really is as bad as it sounds. This is from a Washington Post article from yesterday:

Gabby Cirenza wanted to be a referee for Halloween. The outfit she liked had a micro-mini black skirt and a form-fitting black and white-striped spandex top held together with black laces running up the flesh-exposing sides. She looked admiringly at the thigh-high black go-go boots that could be bought as an accessory. And she thought the little bunny on the chest was cute.

“Absolutely not,” said her mother, Cheryl. “That is so not happening.”

Gabby is 11.

……..

Gabby eyed the Sexy Super Girl but decided against it. A friend at her Catholic school had worn that costume for a Halloween parade and pulled the already short miniskirt way up to cover her tummy. “That didn’t look very good.” But Gabby did like the Aqua Fairy, a vampy get-up with a black ripped-up skirt, black fishnet tights and blue bustier that comes in medium, large and preteen. A medium fits a child of 8.

No.

How about the Funky Punk Pirate Pre-Teen, with an off-the-shoulder blouse and bare midriff?

No.

So what, as a parent, to do about this trend? It depends, as does everything really, on your daughter. How old is she?

An 8 year old or an 11 year old you say no to. More to the point, you scout out the stores ahead of time, and only take them places that are selling costumes you would allow them to wear. Why even have that argument when you can avoid it completely?

But what about the older girls, who already know what they want to be for Halloween: sexy! Well, here are a couple of ideas.

1. Try making her costume yourself - at least you can make the hem line fall to within sight of her knee and the top large enough for a bra to fit under.
2. Have your daughter make her own costume. The costume patterns you can buy at fabric stores cover far more skin than the pre-made costumes you can buy in most stores.
3. Try to get your daughter involved with organizing or facilitating a Halloween party for younger children. (Halloween, after all, is really more for children.)
4. Maybe there are some neighborhood kids or younger family members she can walk around with for the night. That way, she can get the Trick-or-Treat candy, and potentially get paid for babysitting as well! (And aren’t you willing to spend a few bucks to keep her in a child-appropriate costume?)

But mostly, I would suggest that if she really, really wants a sexy Halloween costume, you should sit with her, away from the stores and craziness, and ask her why. What does she see as the benefits of the sexy Halloween costume? (Be sure to use the word “sexy.” Nothing makes something less appealing quicker than a parent calling it “sexy.”)

As with all conversations like this, you need to give her lots of time to talk. If she’s not saying anything to answer your question, just keep quiet and keep looking at her. Eventually, she’ll start talking out of embarrassment. (Just be sure it isn’t you who ends up talking out of embarrassment!) Then really listen to what she says and be open to seeing her point of view, rather than making her see yours. Try to get under her skin and feel what she feels about this sometimes very emotional topic. See if you can find out what it is that she’s hoping to get with a sexy costume.

After you’ve listened and really felt and understood her point of view, start using your imagination. Hopefully the two of you will be able to find a mutually agreed upon Halloween costume that you can both live with.

Be clear - this is not necessarily a solution that you like. But it’s one you can live with.

What are your experiences with your children and Halloween costumes? Do they want sexy ones? How have you dealt with that?

The Washington Post’s technology columnist recently wrote about a new brand of camera that - you guessed it! - automatically washes away wrinkles and slims the person in the picture. Here’s what he says about the process:

When they work, both can generate a photographic likeness that looks more attractive than the real you — a SuperYou that you can post on Facebook, MySpace, Match.com or any other site.

Nice, huh?

Well, either that or completely over-the-top, feeding into the negative body image, portrayal of a PretendYou. I’m inclined to suggest the latter.

On the slimming mode, you can even choose one of three levels of slimness you would like the camera to impose on this soon-to-be tortured image.

Here’s what the columnist says in the end about these cameras:

Neither of these cameras will make a regular schmo look like a supermodel. That still requires other forms of technological intervention — cosmetics, injections, implants.

But both can cater to people’s vanity at a low cost. That makes them a pretty smart business move for manufacturers. This kind of photo fakery — I’m sorry, embellishment — also fits in with the overall evolution of digital cameras. As easy as some photo-album programs are, people can still be intimidated by the prospect of cleaning up their shots on the computer; some would rather press a button on the camera to have that work done automatically.

So why not build cameras that know more of the editing tricks creative photographers have used on their computers? If a camera can make people look thinner and younger than their physical selves, why not have it also whiten their teeth, dye their hair and blot out their birthmarks?

You will, however, have to know when to stop upgrading your image. At some point, you’ll have to meet people who know you only as a younger, slimmer, blemish-free version of yourself. They could be shocked to see how scruffy you look in real life — unless they’ve been even more aggressive about polishing their own portraits.

Indeed. These camera features sound clunky and not-very-useful in the first place, kind of like a lot of words strung together into-a-meta-word. In the second place, they cater to a kind of image-oriented self-centeredness that I find appalling.

I understand if you want to look your absolute best in your pictures - who doesn’t? But that’s completely different from looking well…completely different in your pictures.

So I was blithely searching the Internet when I came across this surprising topic: teenage circumcision.

I was surprised because I understand circumcision to be a useless operation that causes a lot of pain for absolutely no gain. No, it’s nowhere near as bad as female genital mutilation. But there just doesn’t seem to be much point to it. So why, I wonder, would a teenager get circumcised?

Well, there’s no real comprehensive sources of information about teenage circumcision out there. I’m not too surprised about this. Most sites on infant circumcision have a strong message to send about circumcision being either good or bad. The sites with information on adolescent circumcision seemed similarly opinionated. However, most of the sites I found on a google search were message boards, with teenage boys asking questions about teenage circumcision. Mostly they seemed interested in circumcision because their girlfriends were interested in them being circumcised.

So what’s important enough to teenage boys to entice them to get circumcised?

Of course. Getting laid.

I have to admit, I’m pretty horrified that teenage boys are out there getting circumcised because their girlfriends have some misconstrued idea about what a penis should or should not look like. This is every bit as outrageous as teenage boys dictating unnatural beauty in teenage girls (rail thin, gigantic breasts).

I would like to hope that we can teach teenage girls to appreciate both circumcised and natural penises. I would like to think that we can teach teenage boys to appreciate real women’s body shapes.

However, both of these perspectives need to begin being taught at a younger age than teenage. Pictures of beautiful women need to include all shapes and sizes. Pictures of beautiful naked men need to include cut and uncut penises. I honestly don’t understand why this seems so impossible for our society.

What are your thoughts/reactions/questions on adolescent circumcision?

A few weeks ago I blithely mentioned cloth pads and Keepers in a post. Crystal, one of my readers, happily pointed out that she had no idea what I was talking about. So if you’re like her, here’s the low down:

Cloth pads are, essentially, just like disposable pads except that they’re made out of…um…cloth. (Those snaps go on the bottom of your panties, folks, and the nice smooth side you can’t see in the picture goes towards your body.) Potential benefits are: you don’t have all those yucky absorptive chemicals in such a sensitive place, it’s cheaper in the long run than disposables, plus it’s so much better for the environment. Another happy side effect for those of you able to handle your moon blood more easily than most is that the water you use to wash your pads in is really great to use to water your plants with. Makes them extra green and shiny. That is, of course, just too gross for some people, which I totally understand. Frankly, if I used cloth pads, I’m not sure I could bring myself to water my plants that way.

OKAY! Onto the the Keepers.

First, Keepers are menstrual cups, menstrual cups are Keepers. They’re shaped like little wine goblets without the base and are made out of rubber (the brown one) or medical grade silicone (the white one). Here’s how you use a Keeper: You fold the lip of the cup together and into quarters and insert it into your vagina. You poke around to make sure they’ve fully expanded and tug on the stem a little to make sure they’ve got a good seal all the way around. In the best of all worlds, they catch all your blood. When you think it’s full (you develop a seventh sense about this, just like with tampons), or it’s been up to 12 hours, you tug on the little bit sticking down and dump your blood in the potty. Rinse the cup in the sink. Benefits are: there’s no concern of toxic shock syndrome like there is with tampons, it’s cheaper in the long run, fewer chemicals are leaching into your body, there’s no bloody yuck in your bathroom trashcan, plus they’re better for the environment.

I’m a Keeper girl myself. But it took me years to find out! So be particularly sure to talk with your pre-menstrual girls about both of these options, in addition to the more typical disposable items in the crotch section of your local grocery store. (Ever notice how all of the items for the general crotch area are all on the same aisle? Take a look next time you’re there. It’s kind of funny.) That way she’ll be more open to the idea of a reusable item when she starts her period. Particular care and attention must be used to help her figure out how to be discrete in the bathroom with these items, in the event she doesn’t want her friends to know what kind of blood catcher she’s using.