Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

I have three questions to answer:

1. Typical age of masturbation onset (by gender).
2. Typical age of orgasm/ejaculatory onset (by gender).
3. Typical age of highest masturbation frequency (by gender).

So what’s up with the relative lack of research on this topic? (Yes, that was a rhetorical question, for you smart-alecks in the peanut gallery.) Here’s what I’ve been able to find, although the sparseness of the research appals me to the degree where I’m hesitant to state these numbers absolutely:

1. Pediatrics (kind of a giant in this kind of research) says that masturbation generally starts around 2 months for both girls and boys (although in-utero masturbation has also been observed). They go on to say that masturbation (and general body/sexual interest) drops off around 4 or 5 and then picks up again in adolescence. Now, lots of people (although apparently not Pediatrics) have trouble acknowledging that child masturbation is in fact masturbation (they say it’s “different”), but come on, people. It’s masturbation. It might not end in an orgasm, but if orgasm is our benchmark for an activity qualifying as a sexual activity, the whole ballgame just got changed.
2. For boys, it’s maybe around 12, give or take a year. But the research that provides this information? It’s sketchy. More clear is that boys typically have this vague understanding that they will one day have something squirting from their penis, but they’re not entirely certain how they got that information. Very odd. However, information is just non-existent for girls. I have no idea at what age women tend to have their first orgasm. Certainly, for some, it is during adolescence. But others never have one. So the age spread will be much, much bigger than for boys. But I’m fascinated by this lack-of-information. Also, what about self-induced orgasms vs. partner-induced orgasms?
3. “Adolescence.” How useful is that? Oh, wait, I forgot, it’s not it all. But best guesses for boys is maybe 13 to 15 somewhere. For girls? No idea.

Okay, folks, this is just inadequate. If anyone has information in these particular areas, I’d love to hear from you either in the comments section or privately via e-mail.

So what are your masturbation stories? I’d also love to hear them, either in comments or privately via e-mail. When did you start? When did you do it the most? What did your parents tell you (or not tell you) about it?

I am offering a summer session of my sex-ed class for parents, the information is below. Parents who have taken this class in the past have said that it has dramatically increased their ability to talk about sex and sexuality with their kids - and that has in turn supported a strong and conscious parent-child relationship, even through difficult times.

Please feel free to forward this e-mail on to anyone you think would be interested. If you live outside of the Austin area, I am available to travel to present this class, or one tailored to your group’s specific needs. E-mail me for specifics.

Beyond the Birds and Bees: a class for parents

Dr. Karen Rayne presents a four-session class for parents on how to talk with children and teenagers more easily and effectively about issues of sex and sexuality.

Topics include: Current trends in adolescent sexuality, common assumptions about adolescent sexuality (right and wrong!), parental hopes vs. adolescent reality, and talking with your teenager (what to do, what not to do, and how to get started). There is plenty of time for bringing specific questions and difficult situations to the class for answers and discussion. More specific information about the class is available here.

Times: Sundays, 3:30 – 5:00
Dates:June 22nd, June 29th, July 6th, and July 13th
Place: Oak Hill (South-West Austin)
Cost: $175/individual, $300/couple (If this fee is prohibitive for you to attend, please e-mail me and we’ll see what we can do.)

If you have questions or would like more information, please do not hesitate to contact me by phone (924-1814) or e-mail. If you would like to know more about me and my perspectives on adolescent sexuality, read through my blog!

I look forward to talking with you soon,
Sincerely,
Dr. Karen Rayne

I am working with a production company from France to create a documentary about human development from birth through the beginnings of puberty and sexual interest. My conversation, of course, will come primarily at the end of the film. In addition to an interview piece, they asked that I gather a group of 12 - 14 year olds together so they could film a sex ed class. It took some time and some doing, but I think I’ve finally managed it. But I was surprised by the path and the conversations I had along the way.

I spoke exclusively with parents I knew and who I had talked with about their children’s budding sexuality in one way or another. It seemed to me that it would be a big leap of trust for these parents to allow someone to film their young teenagers talking about sex. I extensively outlined what we would be doing in the class, remaining open to input and concerns and expressed a willingness to be flexible according to what the parents were comfortable with. These parents were uncomfortable with the idea - some only a little, some quite a lot. I got a few tentative positive responses, but no one was thrilled.

So I moved on, looking further afield for youth to be involved.

In the last week, I have found an amazing group of parents who are comfortable with their children being filmed in a sex ed class I will teach - even though they don’t know me personally and they haven’t seen a play-by-play of what will be included in the class. What I have seen in these parents is that rather than talking to me about the potential filming, they have been talking with their young teenagers. They have sat down as a family, with my short and to-the-point e-mail introduction (which I figured would be followed by many more) and talked together about the potential positives and negatives of being involved. They made a family decision, the parents and the youth, about whether to move forward. Some decided yes, some decided no. But the point is that they felt very little need for extensive conversation with me.

So where does the difference between these two groups of parents lay?

I think the first group of parents wanted to know - to KNOW - that they could trust me. Ultimately, they were torn because even if they did trust me, they weren’t SURE they could trust the film company.

The second group of parents, on the other hand, weren’t very concerned with trust of me or the film company - they had enough basic information to know that we were basically doing something good and interesting. Rather, these parents decided to trust their young teenagers to make good decisions and to be able to weigh the potential outcomes with the parents’ guidance.

So what can you learn from this little story?

Ultimately, it’s far more productive to work towards trusting your children and your teenagers than to try to trust every single adult who comes into contact with them.

Yesterday’s big news was the new Guttmacher Institute study that suggests teenagers are not using oral sex as a way to stay “technically still a virgin.” Rather, it says that teenagers who are engaging in oral sex are by-and-large also engaging in vaginal intercourse.

I must admit - I am rather surprised by this finding.  But I am, if nothing else, swayed and enraptured by good research.  Here’s what the Guttmacher Institute has to say about the numbers:

“Some teens may first experience oral sex immediately prior to vaginal intercourse, while others may initiate vaginal intercourse shortly before having oral sex. While only one in four teen virgins (26%) have engaged in oral sex, once teens have had vaginal intercourse, the proportion increases incrementally. By six months after first vaginal sex, more than four out of five adolescents (81%) have also engaged in oral sex, and by three years after first intercourse, nine in 10 (92%) have done so”

And here are the results that the Guttmacher Instutite draws from this data:

 “There is a widespread belief that teens engage in nonvaginal forms of sex, especially oral sex, as a way to be sexually active while still claiming that technically, they are virgins,” says study author Laura Lindberg. “However, our research shows that this supposed substitution of oral sex for vaginal sex is largely a myth. There is no good evidence that teens who have not had intercourse engage in oral sex with a series of partners.”

But I’m not so sure that I agree with Dr. Lindberg’s conclusions.  Please note that I have not read the actual research paper or analyzed the data myself!  But based on what I have read, here are my problems with her conclusions:

1. I was not able to find anywhere in the information on the study data-gathering about what the teenagers were claiming about their reasons behind their sexual decisions.  We can, with relative clarity given the breadth of this survey, know what the teenagers are doing, but we can’t know why.  So I think it’s jumping the gun to say that teenagers are not claiming to be virgins when they have had oral but not anal sex.  There is other research that does go into a bit more detail of teenagers’ understandings of the meanings of these various activities that suggests differently.
2. What about the 12 to 14 year olds?  I’m unclear on whether this study asked the 15-to-19 year old participants to think back on their sexual experience time-line (which is, of course, problematic in it’s own right) or asked about their current sexual activities over time (much better, in terms of creating quality research but presents it’s own problems in terms of funding).  But I’m concerned that younger teenagers were left out of the equation - it seems to me that many of these younger teens may be the ones who are claiming that one can have oral sex and still be a virgin.
3. What does it mean when you say “1 in 4 teen virgins”?  Did they ask “Are you a virgin?”  And then follow that up with questions about actual sexual activities?  The term virgin just needs to be tossed.  It confuses conversation - as it did the Guttmacher Institute’s press release.  So I hope for more linguistic clarity in Dr. Lindberg’s final paper.
4. The other point that is not fully addressed here is the sexual progression that teenagers go through.  Perhaps it’s common for a teenage couple to get comfortable with oral sex (in order to maintain virginity) and then quickly move on to vaginal intercourse.  In other words, perhaps oral sex is a “gateway sexual activity” to vaginal intercourse.  That’s not really addressed here at all.
5. Okay, one more point and then I’m (hopefully!) done.  I take great offense at Dr. Lindberg’s sentence: “There is no good evidence that teens who have not had intercourse engage in oral sex with a series of partners.”  There is, in fact, no conversation at all until this point about a series of partners.  I am worried that this sentence belies Dr. Lindberg’s unconscious assumption that a teenager who is engaging in oral sex is something of a “slut” and more likely to engage a “series of partners.”

I am fully aware that one research project cannot answer all of these questions.  Gaining a really well-rounded and informed understanding of adolescents’ sexuality will take far more time and money.   Nevertheless, I was disappointed to see that the Guttmacher Institute, as a highly respected research facility, did not temper their statement of results with a nuanced approach to what kind and scope of information this data analysis is really able to provide us.

However, one of the results of the study that I am really, really delighted to see was: Teenagers are having anal sex. (The Guttmacher Institute suggests about 1 in 10 teenagers between the ages of 15 and 19 has had anal sex.) The sex-ed implications are very, very clear. Anal sex carries higher risk than either vaginal or oral sex because of increased likelihood of STD transmission and the physical problems that can be brought on by moving too quickly, not using enough lubrication, and other problems that might induce tearing and serious internal injury - all of which compound the STD transmission risk). So we have to talk with teenagers about anal sex. They or someone they know is probably trying it out, or has tried it out, and the likelihood is that they have never had any information presented to them about how to engage in anal sex safely.

I’ve been disappointed by much of what I’ve read about this study - it primarily just repeats what the Guttmacher press release said with little or no analysis.  But if you’re looking for additional commentary, here is a good place to start.

Ah, good ole Texas. Always a great place for scandals like this one. So here’s what happened: A senior named Marche Taylor wore a really skimpy dress and was denied entrance to her prom based on it. And yes, it is really, really skimpy. So I get where the prom sponsor was coming from when she told Marche that her dress was too skimpy. But Marche offered to wind her train up and around her torso - and that really should have made it okay. Instead, “voices were raised” and the cops were called and escorted this loud, scantily clad girl off the Sugarland Marriott premises. Honestly, I don’t see what the big freaking deal is.

So here’s where the conversation about this one random girl near Houston, the stinky armpit of Texas, turns into a conversation about the state of our country’s obsession with adolescent bodies and adolescent sexuality. In fact, I wonder if this is even news worthy just because of the recent Miley Cyrus fiasco? Or maybe it’s because silly things like this suddenly go viral on the Internet and out of nowhere everyone knows who Marche Taylor is and that her prom sponsor accused her of not wearing underwear to her prom (Marche says she was).

But really, I think people pay attention to things like this because they get to look at a teenage girl’s body. We are, as a culture, both obsessed and repelled by teenage girls ‘bodies. We want them to be shown off and considered sexy in the right ways (like your standard prom dress or a bikini on the beach) but not in the wrong ways (like Marche or Miley). But teenage girls are never really given a good, solid list of guidelines and what’s appropriate can change far too quickly for the average teenage girl to be expected to keep up.

Let’s get back to that liking to look at teenage girls’ bodies. When we see a news show, or read a blog post (unless it’s this one), or read a newspaper article about a scantily clad 17 year old, the man - the publisher - knows that eyeballs will be had in great droves because people like to look at 17 year old’s bodies. And I’m fed up with it.

As a society, we honor and love youth - particularly the fabulous body part of youth.

But then at the same time we slam (a) a teenager’s too-sexy choice in photo arrangements or (b) a teenager’s too-sexy choice in prom dress.

We can’t do both, folks. It just screws with girl’s minds and makes them obsess at a highly unhealthy level about their body - because they’ll either be considered stodgy and not sexy enough or too slutty and too sexy. The middle ground is a very, very narrow tightrope. So let’s all just breathe. And stop it with the obsession about teenager’s bodies.

Several months ago I had the pleasure of meeting Lux Alptraum (that’s her over there on the left). Lux is one of the figures behind Boinkology, and an all around interesting person. Last month, Lux did an interview with me on Boinkology, and I enjoyed the talking with her so much I asked her if I could turn the tables and pick her brain too. Here’s the ensuing interview:

Karen: Hi Lux! Thank you so much for doing this interview! Can you introduce yourself a bit? How would you introduce yourself in a personals ad?

Lux: 25 year old girl in New York with a penchant for smart conversation. Particularly conversation about sex, the internet, or both.

K: Can you describe your most influential sexual relationship from the past few years? Why was it so influential for you?

L: Sadly, my most influential relationship was a negative one. My first serious relationship, which ended a little over four years ago, was with someone who was pretty emotionally abusive and spent a lot of time and energy on making me feel bad about myself. Though I don’t wish that experience on anyone, I do feel that — in the long run — it taught me a lot about how I want to be treated, and gave me the knowledge and ability to avoid people who bring that kind of negativity into my life.

K: I’m sorry to hear about the negativity in that first serious relationship, Lux. Now that you’ve moved past it, where are you, relationship-wise?

L: I’m in a really great place, actually. I have a partner who loves and respects me, appreciates me for who I am, and is really good at talking through problems when they arise. Really, what more could you ask for?

K: Let’s talk about work a bit too. I know you’re behind Boinkology - can you talk a bit about what you do there?

L: I launched Boinkology almost a year ago with my friend Richard Blakeley. We wanted to create a space where people could talk about sex beyond the usual conversations about porn, sex toys, personal sexual experiences, and sexual health. While all those areas are extremely important, we feel that there’s much more to sex and sexuality than what goes on between our legs — Boinkology focuses on all of that.

K: What are a few of those topics beyond the ones you mentioned that you like to focus on at Boinkology?

L: I’m really interested in seeing how sex and sexuality are viewed and represented in daily life — and especially in pop culture. Sex is everywhere — in our advertising, in our entertainment, even in our presidential race — and I think it’s fascinating to observe and comment on it.

K: Now we know the whats, let’s talk about the why. What drew you to create Boinkology?

L: I’ve been interested in sex for — well, pretty much all my life. It’s pretty much the only thing that’s consistently held my interest for the past ten years; and that was definitely a huge part of why I created a blog about sex. Beyond that, however, is the fact that I’m consistently disturbed by how hard we, as a culture, find talking about sex, one of the most fundamental, basic parts of life. I strongly believe that the more we talk about sex, the more comfortable we become with the topic, and the better off we all are. Through my work, I try to help people see that sex doesn’t have to be a taboo topic.

K: So with this understanding of where you are now in your sexual and work lives, I’d like to understand a bit about how you got here. Can you talk a bit about your sexual development through adolescence?

L: Though in some ways I developed really early — I discovered masturbation at a very young age, and started puberty at 10 — I went through much of adolescence feeling like a late bloomer. I didn’t date at all until after high school, and started college feeling like I was way behind my peers (though in retrospect, I see that that was hardly the case). On the plus side, this gave me a lot of time to figure out who I was and what I wanted — which, in the end, was a very beneficial thing for me.

K: And how did your parents and family interact with you around issues of sex and sexuality? What, in essence, was your sex education at home like? How did it influence you?

L: My parents have always been pretty open about sex and sexuality. When I was five years old, they gave me a copy of “Where Did I Come From?” and were always open to discussing any questions that I had (it also helped that my mom was an HIV educator). I think their openness helped me understand that sexuality is a beautiful, wonderful thing, and taught me to be comfortable with the topic.

K: I’m was sorry to hear that your first relationship was so negative. I think that is something of a common theme for young women. How did your parents react to that relationship?

L: What’s really interesting, for me, is that my parents were privately opposed to my relationship, but never tried to step in and get me to end it. They were very aware that I needed to make my own mistakes — and were very cautious about risking alineating me by coming out against my relationship.

K: Helping parents learn how to interact with their child who is in a relationship they don’t approve of is a difficult thing. I’m sure there are parents who would love some advice on how to support their daughters through such a difficult time. Do you have any suggestions?

L: I think the best thing that you can do is remind your daughter that you love and support her, and will be there for her through anything. It’s very hard to see someone you love get hurt, but coming down hard and trying to prevent your daughter from being in a relationship is a surefire way to drive her away. Being a loving, supportive figure, and reminding your daughter what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like, is really the best tactic — when your daughter realizes that she needs to get out of her relationship, you will be the person she comes to.

K: Based on your experiences, how would you recommend parents teach their children about sex and sexuality?

L: I think being open and honest (and starting the conversation early) is the only way to go. While there are certainly topics that aren’t appropriate for younger children, it’s never too early to teach children to love their bodies and love the wonderful feelings their bodies can give them. And the earlier you start talking to kids about sex, the easier it becomes to talk about it — by the time they’re teenagers, you’ll be much more prepared to take on the hard questions.

K: Thank you so much for your time, Lux! I look forward to watching Boinkology develop! Is there any last thing you’d like to say?

L: I think talking to young people about sex is a hugely important thing. What we learn about sex in our youth and adolescence can shape our identities for the rest of our lives — I’m very glad to know you’re out here helping parents have these conversations.

Take a deep breath, folks, because I’m about to tell you about a book that is not going to shock or amaze you with the horrors of raising children or teenagers in today’s world. Rather, I am going to tell you about a book that endeavors to calm the frenzy that the media has whipped up and counters the hype with real information.

I am impressed with Rev. Haffner’s research-based approach to talking about what’s really going on with current teenagers’ sexual involvement. Rather than being sensationalistic, Rev. Haffner does a lovely job of taking relatively obtuse statistical information and breaking it down into meaningful chunks of information that non-statistician parents can easily understand.

After taking stock of the sexual activities teenagers are currently engaging in, Rev. Haffner puts those activities into a historical perspective. She suggests that not only are teenagers not sexually engaging to the degree that the media hype implies, but they are actually just doing what generations have done: shocking their elders by doing essentially the same things those same elders were doing when they were young. In other words, “Take a deep breath! You and your kids will probably be just fine.”

Finally, Rev. Haffner provides meaningful, respectful advice on how parents can move forward to engage their teenagers in a continuing conversation and parent-child relationship.

So I highly recommend What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know. It will provide context and steps to move forward for most parents who are finding their relationships with their pre-teens and teenagers faultering.

This is a great book. The full title is actually: s.e.x.: the all-you-need-to-know progressive sexuality guide to get you through high school and college. That’s a pretty long title, but long book titles seem to be trendy these days. The title also sets up a pretty big goal for itself. Corinna goes most of the way towards meeting her goal. This is particularly notable because it’s hard for many adults to write for teenagers in a respectful, supportive, and on-task way.

The content of s.e.x. is informative and covers a pretty wide range of information relatively well. As a reader, you at least get an idea of whether you’re interested in finding out more and generally where you can go if you do want more. The book has much the same feel as Corinna’s extensive website, Scarleteen.com, which is currently celebrating it’s 10th anniversary.

The similarity between Scarleteen and s.e.x. actually underlines the only potential criticism that I have about either the book or the website: they aren’t terrible fun or engaging beyond the inherent nature of the subject matter. This is not necessarily a bad thing. There are plenty of teenagers out there who just want information, and they don’t necessarily need or want it packaged in a fun or candy-coated wrapper. On the other hand, there are plenty of teenagers who don’t have the attention span to research or delve into a relatively informative (i.e., potentially dry) book or extensive website to find the piece of information they need. Rather, these teenagers want to browse through YouTube or sexetc.org and look at all the funny and sexy videos and are fine if they learn something on the side. Neither Corinna’s book nor her website will appeal to this group of teenagers.

So while Corinna’s s.e.x. isn’t for everyone, it can fulfill a fabulous need for many teenagers. And it is a great resource for parents to keep on the shelf at all times in case the teenagers in your house suddenly have a burning question about a particular sex-related topic. Hopefully it will keep them from simply googling “female ejaculation” because there are plenty of results from that search you probably wouldn’t want them delving into.

May blog

This post is written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen

The transition from high school to college can be a difficult one for both parents and teenagers. Although my transition will not be nearly the same since I have essentially lived in a supervised college setting for the last three years, I can understand the transition and the anxieties it may cause. Moving away from home to college is often the first chance that a teenager gets to live outside of their parents’ house and of course has many more freedoms than life at home. With these freedoms come freedom in sexuality, whether parents are ready for it or not.

Teenagers may suddenly discover that they can bring anyone back to their room, no questions asked. They can sleep with anyone they want whenever they want however they want. Their sexual outlook on life can change dramatically or only slightly, depending on how they were raised. I believe that if they are allowed the freedom to make their own sexual decisions while still in high school, they will be likely to remember to use a condom every time and less likely to make decisions they will regret. If they have not been allowed to make their own decisions when in high school, they will be less knowledgeable about the risks of unsafe sex and will be more likely to try it with the first person possible just because they can. I realize this is a vast over generalization and does not apply to lots of people. But I didn’t say this is how it would be, I just said it is more likely to be this way. And would you prefer that your teenager make mistakes at home or at college several hours away? Would you rather them be able to ask you about sexuality as they are experiencing it or just get their information from their peers in college. Obviously they are not always going to ask you even if you give them freedom in high school, but they are a lot more likely to then than later. That is my take on most people’s sexual transition from high school to college. Now for how mine will likely turn out.

Since I am already in a serious relationship, I doubt I will have the typical college sexual experience (as if there is such a thing). My relationship probably will not change much other than the fact that we will see each other all day long and we will be able to sleep together more often than we have been able to this past year. It will be nice because our relationship can be pretty rocky as a long distance situation. It is hard for us to both talk on the phone around busy schedules and homework, but when we can just be in the same room working together, we have no problems.

As always, feel free to email me at justanotherteen@gmail.com

How do you think relationships and a teens outlook on sex changes between high school and college?

Okay, so there’s a huge amount of nonsense flying around about this Vanity Fair picture of Miley Cyrus. And I agree, actually - it is a problematic picture. But really, come on, it’s not pornographic in any way. It’s not even really inappropriate for a 15 year old. The problem is not that the picture was taken, but rather that it should not have been published.  A 15 year old should not have sexual images printed in magazines or books or published on-line.

This is a really very similar argument to the basis for my post (and the following comments) on Jock Sturges’ images of nude teenage girls. It boils down to teenage girls not being fully prepared to deal with the repercussions of people looking at naked images of her (potentially both immediate and long-term). Miley Cyrus is currently dealing with the immediate, short-term repercussions of her image. Long-term repercussions might include the image being dug up in forty years when she’s running for Senate or trying to become a pastor of a church.

So the picture isn’t the problem, but rather where it was published.

I read an interesting post today about Miley’s choice, basically saying that it’s just fine for a 15 year old to be sexual and that it’s hypocritical and unhelpful to pretend that 15 year olds aren’t sexual. Basically, I agree with the author. 15 year olds are sexual beings, whether or not they’re famous. And no one should have to apologize for being sexual.