Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Ah, good ole Texas. Always a great place for scandals like this one. So here’s what happened: A senior named Marche Taylor wore a really skimpy dress and was denied entrance to her prom based on it. And yes, it is really, really skimpy. So I get where the prom sponsor was coming from when she told Marche that her dress was too skimpy. But Marche offered to wind her train up and around her torso - and that really should have made it okay. Instead, “voices were raised” and the cops were called and escorted this loud, scantily clad girl off the Sugarland Marriott premises. Honestly, I don’t see what the big freaking deal is.

So here’s where the conversation about this one random girl near Houston, the stinky armpit of Texas, turns into a conversation about the state of our country’s obsession with adolescent bodies and adolescent sexuality. In fact, I wonder if this is even news worthy just because of the recent Miley Cyrus fiasco? Or maybe it’s because silly things like this suddenly go viral on the Internet and out of nowhere everyone knows who Marche Taylor is and that her prom sponsor accused her of not wearing underwear to her prom (Marche says she was).

But really, I think people pay attention to things like this because they get to look at a teenage girl’s body. We are, as a culture, both obsessed and repelled by teenage girls ‘bodies. We want them to be shown off and considered sexy in the right ways (like your standard prom dress or a bikini on the beach) but not in the wrong ways (like Marche or Miley). But teenage girls are never really given a good, solid list of guidelines and what’s appropriate can change far too quickly for the average teenage girl to be expected to keep up.

Let’s get back to that liking to look at teenage girls’ bodies. When we see a news show, or read a blog post (unless it’s this one), or read a newspaper article about a scantily clad 17 year old, the man - the publisher - knows that eyeballs will be had in great droves because people like to look at 17 year old’s bodies. And I’m fed up with it.

As a society, we honor and love youth - particularly the fabulous body part of youth.

But then at the same time we slam (a) a teenager’s too-sexy choice in photo arrangements or (b) a teenager’s too-sexy choice in prom dress.

We can’t do both, folks. It just screws with girl’s minds and makes them obsess at a highly unhealthy level about their body - because they’ll either be considered stodgy and not sexy enough or too slutty and too sexy. The middle ground is a very, very narrow tightrope. So let’s all just breathe. And stop it with the obsession about teenager’s bodies.

Several months ago I had the pleasure of meeting Lux Alptraum (that’s her over there on the left). Lux is one of the figures behind Boinkology, and an all around interesting person. Last month, Lux did an interview with me on Boinkology, and I enjoyed the talking with her so much I asked her if I could turn the tables and pick her brain too. Here’s the ensuing interview:

Karen: Hi Lux! Thank you so much for doing this interview! Can you introduce yourself a bit? How would you introduce yourself in a personals ad?

Lux: 25 year old girl in New York with a penchant for smart conversation. Particularly conversation about sex, the internet, or both.

K: Can you describe your most influential sexual relationship from the past few years? Why was it so influential for you?

L: Sadly, my most influential relationship was a negative one. My first serious relationship, which ended a little over four years ago, was with someone who was pretty emotionally abusive and spent a lot of time and energy on making me feel bad about myself. Though I don’t wish that experience on anyone, I do feel that — in the long run — it taught me a lot about how I want to be treated, and gave me the knowledge and ability to avoid people who bring that kind of negativity into my life.

K: I’m sorry to hear about the negativity in that first serious relationship, Lux. Now that you’ve moved past it, where are you, relationship-wise?

L: I’m in a really great place, actually. I have a partner who loves and respects me, appreciates me for who I am, and is really good at talking through problems when they arise. Really, what more could you ask for?

K: Let’s talk about work a bit too. I know you’re behind Boinkology - can you talk a bit about what you do there?

L: I launched Boinkology almost a year ago with my friend Richard Blakeley. We wanted to create a space where people could talk about sex beyond the usual conversations about porn, sex toys, personal sexual experiences, and sexual health. While all those areas are extremely important, we feel that there’s much more to sex and sexuality than what goes on between our legs — Boinkology focuses on all of that.

K: What are a few of those topics beyond the ones you mentioned that you like to focus on at Boinkology?

L: I’m really interested in seeing how sex and sexuality are viewed and represented in daily life — and especially in pop culture. Sex is everywhere — in our advertising, in our entertainment, even in our presidential race — and I think it’s fascinating to observe and comment on it.

K: Now we know the whats, let’s talk about the why. What drew you to create Boinkology?

L: I’ve been interested in sex for — well, pretty much all my life. It’s pretty much the only thing that’s consistently held my interest for the past ten years; and that was definitely a huge part of why I created a blog about sex. Beyond that, however, is the fact that I’m consistently disturbed by how hard we, as a culture, find talking about sex, one of the most fundamental, basic parts of life. I strongly believe that the more we talk about sex, the more comfortable we become with the topic, and the better off we all are. Through my work, I try to help people see that sex doesn’t have to be a taboo topic.

K: So with this understanding of where you are now in your sexual and work lives, I’d like to understand a bit about how you got here. Can you talk a bit about your sexual development through adolescence?

L: Though in some ways I developed really early — I discovered masturbation at a very young age, and started puberty at 10 — I went through much of adolescence feeling like a late bloomer. I didn’t date at all until after high school, and started college feeling like I was way behind my peers (though in retrospect, I see that that was hardly the case). On the plus side, this gave me a lot of time to figure out who I was and what I wanted — which, in the end, was a very beneficial thing for me.

K: And how did your parents and family interact with you around issues of sex and sexuality? What, in essence, was your sex education at home like? How did it influence you?

L: My parents have always been pretty open about sex and sexuality. When I was five years old, they gave me a copy of “Where Did I Come From?” and were always open to discussing any questions that I had (it also helped that my mom was an HIV educator). I think their openness helped me understand that sexuality is a beautiful, wonderful thing, and taught me to be comfortable with the topic.

K: I’m was sorry to hear that your first relationship was so negative. I think that is something of a common theme for young women. How did your parents react to that relationship?

L: What’s really interesting, for me, is that my parents were privately opposed to my relationship, but never tried to step in and get me to end it. They were very aware that I needed to make my own mistakes — and were very cautious about risking alineating me by coming out against my relationship.

K: Helping parents learn how to interact with their child who is in a relationship they don’t approve of is a difficult thing. I’m sure there are parents who would love some advice on how to support their daughters through such a difficult time. Do you have any suggestions?

L: I think the best thing that you can do is remind your daughter that you love and support her, and will be there for her through anything. It’s very hard to see someone you love get hurt, but coming down hard and trying to prevent your daughter from being in a relationship is a surefire way to drive her away. Being a loving, supportive figure, and reminding your daughter what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like, is really the best tactic — when your daughter realizes that she needs to get out of her relationship, you will be the person she comes to.

K: Based on your experiences, how would you recommend parents teach their children about sex and sexuality?

L: I think being open and honest (and starting the conversation early) is the only way to go. While there are certainly topics that aren’t appropriate for younger children, it’s never too early to teach children to love their bodies and love the wonderful feelings their bodies can give them. And the earlier you start talking to kids about sex, the easier it becomes to talk about it — by the time they’re teenagers, you’ll be much more prepared to take on the hard questions.

K: Thank you so much for your time, Lux! I look forward to watching Boinkology develop! Is there any last thing you’d like to say?

L: I think talking to young people about sex is a hugely important thing. What we learn about sex in our youth and adolescence can shape our identities for the rest of our lives — I’m very glad to know you’re out here helping parents have these conversations.

Take a deep breath, folks, because I’m about to tell you about a book that is not going to shock or amaze you with the horrors of raising children or teenagers in today’s world. Rather, I am going to tell you about a book that endeavors to calm the frenzy that the media has whipped up and counters the hype with real information.

I am impressed with Rev. Haffner’s research-based approach to talking about what’s really going on with current teenagers’ sexual involvement. Rather than being sensationalistic, Rev. Haffner does a lovely job of taking relatively obtuse statistical information and breaking it down into meaningful chunks of information that non-statistician parents can easily understand.

After taking stock of the sexual activities teenagers are currently engaging in, Rev. Haffner puts those activities into a historical perspective. She suggests that not only are teenagers not sexually engaging to the degree that the media hype implies, but they are actually just doing what generations have done: shocking their elders by doing essentially the same things those same elders were doing when they were young. In other words, “Take a deep breath! You and your kids will probably be just fine.”

Finally, Rev. Haffner provides meaningful, respectful advice on how parents can move forward to engage their teenagers in a continuing conversation and parent-child relationship.

So I highly recommend What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know. It will provide context and steps to move forward for most parents who are finding their relationships with their pre-teens and teenagers faultering.

This is a great book. The full title is actually: s.e.x.: the all-you-need-to-know progressive sexuality guide to get you through high school and college. That’s a pretty long title, but long book titles seem to be trendy these days. The title also sets up a pretty big goal for itself. Corinna goes most of the way towards meeting her goal. This is particularly notable because it’s hard for many adults to write for teenagers in a respectful, supportive, and on-task way.

The content of s.e.x. is informative and covers a pretty wide range of information relatively well. As a reader, you at least get an idea of whether you’re interested in finding out more and generally where you can go if you do want more. The book has much the same feel as Corinna’s extensive website, Scarleteen.com, which is currently celebrating it’s 10th anniversary.

The similarity between Scarleteen and s.e.x. actually underlines the only potential criticism that I have about either the book or the website: they aren’t terrible fun or engaging beyond the inherent nature of the subject matter. This is not necessarily a bad thing. There are plenty of teenagers out there who just want information, and they don’t necessarily need or want it packaged in a fun or candy-coated wrapper. On the other hand, there are plenty of teenagers who don’t have the attention span to research or delve into a relatively informative (i.e., potentially dry) book or extensive website to find the piece of information they need. Rather, these teenagers want to browse through YouTube or sexetc.org and look at all the funny and sexy videos and are fine if they learn something on the side. Neither Corinna’s book nor her website will appeal to this group of teenagers.

So while Corinna’s s.e.x. isn’t for everyone, it can fulfill a fabulous need for many teenagers. And it is a great resource for parents to keep on the shelf at all times in case the teenagers in your house suddenly have a burning question about a particular sex-related topic. Hopefully it will keep them from simply googling “female ejaculation” because there are plenty of results from that search you probably wouldn’t want them delving into.

May blog

This post is written by guest blogger JustAnotherTeen

The transition from high school to college can be a difficult one for both parents and teenagers. Although my transition will not be nearly the same since I have essentially lived in a supervised college setting for the last three years, I can understand the transition and the anxieties it may cause. Moving away from home to college is often the first chance that a teenager gets to live outside of their parents’ house and of course has many more freedoms than life at home. With these freedoms come freedom in sexuality, whether parents are ready for it or not.

Teenagers may suddenly discover that they can bring anyone back to their room, no questions asked. They can sleep with anyone they want whenever they want however they want. Their sexual outlook on life can change dramatically or only slightly, depending on how they were raised. I believe that if they are allowed the freedom to make their own sexual decisions while still in high school, they will be likely to remember to use a condom every time and less likely to make decisions they will regret. If they have not been allowed to make their own decisions when in high school, they will be less knowledgeable about the risks of unsafe sex and will be more likely to try it with the first person possible just because they can. I realize this is a vast over generalization and does not apply to lots of people. But I didn’t say this is how it would be, I just said it is more likely to be this way. And would you prefer that your teenager make mistakes at home or at college several hours away? Would you rather them be able to ask you about sexuality as they are experiencing it or just get their information from their peers in college. Obviously they are not always going to ask you even if you give them freedom in high school, but they are a lot more likely to then than later. That is my take on most people’s sexual transition from high school to college. Now for how mine will likely turn out.

Since I am already in a serious relationship, I doubt I will have the typical college sexual experience (as if there is such a thing). My relationship probably will not change much other than the fact that we will see each other all day long and we will be able to sleep together more often than we have been able to this past year. It will be nice because our relationship can be pretty rocky as a long distance situation. It is hard for us to both talk on the phone around busy schedules and homework, but when we can just be in the same room working together, we have no problems.

As always, feel free to email me at justanotherteen@gmail.com

How do you think relationships and a teens outlook on sex changes between high school and college?

Okay, so there’s a huge amount of nonsense flying around about this Vanity Fair picture of Miley Cyrus. And I agree, actually - it is a problematic picture. But really, come on, it’s not pornographic in any way. It’s not even really inappropriate for a 15 year old. The problem is not that the picture was taken, but rather that it should not have been published.  A 15 year old should not have sexual images printed in magazines or books or published on-line.

This is a really very similar argument to the basis for my post (and the following comments) on Jock Sturges’ images of nude teenage girls. It boils down to teenage girls not being fully prepared to deal with the repercussions of people looking at naked images of her (potentially both immediate and long-term). Miley Cyrus is currently dealing with the immediate, short-term repercussions of her image. Long-term repercussions might include the image being dug up in forty years when she’s running for Senate or trying to become a pastor of a church.

So the picture isn’t the problem, but rather where it was published.

I read an interesting post today about Miley’s choice, basically saying that it’s just fine for a 15 year old to be sexual and that it’s hypocritical and unhelpful to pretend that 15 year olds aren’t sexual. Basically, I agree with the author. 15 year olds are sexual beings, whether or not they’re famous. And no one should have to apologize for being sexual.

When I was about 19, I had the following conversation with my grandfather (GF) and great-grandmother (GG) about my same-age cousin:

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GG: Well, your cousin just moved in with her boyfriend.

Me: Oh, that’s nice! Good for her.

GF: Yes.  She’s told us that she is sleeping in her own bedroom and he is sleeping in his own bedroom.

GG: And I just don’t know, but I think her parents actually believe her! But we all know that’s not really happening!

(GG and GF cackle delightedly.)

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I have to admit - I was astounded at this rather benign joke coming from several generations up. I had never talked about anything sexual with anyone older than my parents before - and even that was under duress.

But I’ve got grandparents on the mind today, because today is Grandparent’s Day at my daughter’s school. So we have quite a few grandparents in town - including that same grandfather - now great-grandfather.

Several months ago in one of my classes for parents on adolescent sexuality, I had a grandparent attend. He wanted to know how he could help his grandchildren learn about and process their sexual development. Specifically, his biggest question was this:

“If my grandchildren come to me with questions or advice about sexuality, am I morally required to tell their parent (i.e., my children) about our conversations?”

I had to think through that question for some time. It’s a good one. Generally I say that a non-parental adult needs to tell the parents of a teenager if the teenager comes to that non-parental adult to talk about sex. (Unless, of course, the parent has given the non-parent permission to have a confidential relationship with the teenager. Which is something I highly, highly recommend.)

But as I thought more in-depth on the issue, I do think that there are a few relationships that may allow a non-parental adult to choose to not inform the parents of on-going conversations about sex and sexuality. Here is my list of those relationships:

• siblings
• grandparents
• teachers
• church youth advisor/minister

There may be a few others, depending on the people involved.  So to all the grandparents (and great-grandparents) out there in Internet-land: Go talk with your grandchildren about sex!  It’ll be good for both of you.

However, before I head out, I want to point out that taking on a role of adult confidant of a teenager has serious, and imperative, responsibilities associated with it. I’ll expound on them sometime in the near future - right now I’m off to hang out with seven of my children’s grandparents and great-grandparents.  (There are four not in attendance - yes, my children do have too many grandparents, the lucky ducks!)

After Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I am ready for something on a lighter note. I recently ran across a fun comic called the Invisible Life of Poet by Christopher Wilson. Below is the one I found first - although many of the others are worth browsing through too.

As long as we’re talking about the line between appropriate and inappropriate adolescent sexuality, I thought I would bring up Jock Sturges. There is much controversy about Jock Sturges‘ photography. Mr. Sturges primarily takes pictures of nude adolescent girls on nude beaches.

The contention is whether or not Mr. Sturges’ pictures are nude art or under age pornography.

The answer, of course, may lie in whether you’re French or American - that is, what kind of cultural and sexual understanding you have of the human body. This is really so similar to how people understand the FLDS debacle - so much is based on how you see girls between the ages of 12 and 16. (And yes, it is absolutely a tragedy and a debacle, regardless of which “side” you’re on.)

Me? I think that girls between the ages of 12 and 16 should be free to find their own sexuality - but should not be the objects of adults’ sexual desires. Basically, I think the FLDS folks shouldn’t allow their daughters to marry under age 18, and I don’t think it’s appropriate for Jock Sturges to publish images of girls under 18 naked.

Mr. Sturges talks at length about the quality of his relationship with the girls he photographs and their parents. And I commend him for that - or, rather, I don’t condemn him as I would if he didn’t make it crystal clear that he has a great relationship with them. Nevertheless, it’s hard enough for young teenage girls to make sense of their developing sexuality without their naked images being published online and in books.

Give teenage girls time and space to develop sexually and romantically. There is plenty of time - plenty! - for them to get married and pump out babies if that’s what they want or to pose naked for photographers if that’s what they want. I just don’t think that a 13 year old is ready enough to make those decisions - and I certainly don’t think her parents should be making them for her.

And to stave off the comments I already see in the rear view mirror: No, I’m not sure an 18 year old or even a 24 year old is always fully ready to make those decisions either. But I am absolutely confident that a post-adolescent woman of 18 is more capable of making decisions than a pre-adolescent girl of 13.

I am not including any of Mr. Sturges’ pictures in this blog post on purpose, but you can find plenty here and in the links above.

Yesterday I put forward what I have been able to gather about the FLDS events in San Angelo, Texas. I asked for readers’ opinions about the events, and the comments were particularly impassioned and came from radically different points of view. I said I would write today about my opinions and interpretations of the events. I acknowledge that some of yesterday’s commenters, and everyone who agrees with their perspective, are going to disagree with me. There’s no way around that. But I still feel compelled to outline my reaction.

First, I want to point out that it seems that if you (1) distrust the media and/or (2) distrust the state of Texas, you’re going to be inclined to think a horrible thing has been done here. On the other hand, if you’re inclined to (1) trust the media and/or (2) trust the state of Texas, you’re going to be inclined to think that justice is in the process of being served.

So where do I stand on the general trustworthiness of the media and the state?

I believe the media is tied to advertisers - and is really only interested in gathering eyes for the advertisers rather than actually conveying relevant and important information. So I think they over-state and sensationalize everything to increase viewers. But there is generally a grain of truth if you dig hard enough.

I believe the state generally, and the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services specifically, are made up of hardworking people who are dedicated to doing the best they can to keep children safe. However, these people are generally over-worked, under-paid, and do incredibly hard work. So they absolutely make mistakes, including occasionally over-reacting or under-reacting.

And here’s a bedrock belief that I think guides everything else: Marrying young girls to much older men to produce babies is wrong. This is a form of gender-based slavery (rather than ethnicity-based slavery), and it is wrong. Is it wrong if the FLDS’ religious doctrine tells someone to do it? Yes. Is it wrong if Muslim doctrine tells someone to do it? Yes. Is it wrong even if it was the norm 1500 years ago? Yes.

Was the FLDS compound marrying young girls to much older men to produce babies? All indications suggest that at least some parts of the community were. And that has to be stopped.

Because of the world we live in, it’s most likely the state who is going to step in and demand that the FLDS give their girls enough time to grow up before they become wives and mothers. Is that ideal? No, of course not. But the children must be kept emotionally, developmentally, and sexually safe while it is determined whether and under what conditions they can be reunited with their families.

But here is where I am at a loss. The children who have been taken from the FLDS compound have lived very - extremely - sheltered lives. The foster care system is absolutely not in any way the place for them to live. But where else to go? Not home - not to foster care. This is where my grief at the situation reaches the place where I circle back on myself, not knowing where to turn.

These children need quiet, attentive homes where the daily rhythms are as close as possible to what they have known all of their lives to live in until they are (hopefully) able to go back to their families with an action plan in place. I called the Texas foster care hotline this morning to see if there was a way to become a foster placement for these children. But there is not. I understand - they certainly wouldn’t want to fast track individuals simply to meet the needs of these children because they would inevitably approve people who should not be approved. But nevertheless, this is an extraordinary situation. And I hope the state rises to extraordinary heights meet the needs of these children.

There is so much to talk about in this case - feel free to ask me questions in the comments section and I’ll try to answer as thoughtfully and fully as I can.