Everyone has something to come out about

Happy National Coming Out Day!

This day has been set aside to increase awareness of people who are open about their LGBTQ identity. This year in particular, with the election right around the corner, the Human Rights Campaign and others are encouraging people to call their elected officials and “come out” as LGBTQ or an LGBTQ ally. I called and came out to my elected officials last week – you can read my story of coming out on the Equality Texas blog. (Spoiler alert: It was not all rainbows and unicorns.)

In my college class I wanted to do something to honor National Coming Out Day that would make this experience of coming out very personal to my students. I wanted them to have at least a little sense of what it means to come out as LGBTQ. I started by asking them why people come out and they came up with a great list of reasons. The students were clearly in favor of coming out – they thought it had all sorts of benefits for the individual, their community, and society at large. Then I asked the students why, given all of these good things, people still don’t come out. Again, they indicated a deep understanding of the issues, the shame, the fear of rejection, the judgment.

I pointed out to my students that most of us, probably every one of us, either has something to come out about or has had something to come out about in the past. Something that we feel ashamed of, that we fear rejection about, that we hide. The students grasped the connection quickly and were nodding in agreement. I asked them to pull out a piece of paper and write down the thing that they have not come out about and you could hear a pin drop. Eyes were narrowed, a few students started pulling out paper and pen, many did not.

One student voiced the majority concern: “Where are these pieces of paper going?”

I answered: “To me. There were many reasons you listed for why coming out is beneficial. I’m asking you to start that process for yourself here and now. Do not write your name on your paper – this is an entirely anonymous process.”

Almost everyone settled down to write. One young man kept staring at his paper and said, “I’m having a hard time even writing this down anonymously.” Then he took a deep breath and started writing. Coming out is an indication of true bravery.

Some people filled a page, others wrote one terse sentence. I collected the papers, mixed them up, and started reading. Here is what they said (I have shortened the three very long ones):

  • I lost my virginity in high school and have not told my mama till this day.
  • I was raped and that was how I lost my virginity.
  • I don’t identify as a part of the gender dichotomy.
  • I was “technically” date raped when I was 17.
  • I’ve had bisexual curiosity before and experimented before, when I was 13.
  • I get excited about having sex with guys with girlfriends.
  • I feel like I am unlovable. I feel like no man will ever want to truly be my person I can rely on.
  • I’m a virgin.
  • I have HPV and have spread it to 4 different guys.
  • I’m a heroin addict. Haven’t used (anything) in two years.
  • I’ve had an STI before…
  • Though I didn’t do this, I’m ashamed that I was once accused of sexually assaulting a girl who was my ex-girlfriend.
  • I was abused by a family member as a child.
  • In high school I hung out with a lot of guys. One of them was trying to sexually harass me. I was really scared.
  • A lot of people think I’m tougher than I really am. In actuality I’m pretty sensitive.
  • When I was in 6th grade, I engaged in mutual sexual activities with someone of the same gender. I’m reluctant to admit this to people out of fear of judgment.
  • I told an intricate lie to a significant other in order to keep a relationship going.
  • At one time I didn’t want my mother to know that I had been promiscuous.
  • I had a miscarriage before.
  • When I was eight years old, my sister’s husband molested me in my bedroom. I never told my parents.

I often ask students to write or contribute anonymously to class because it allows everyone to offer their perspective. As we look over what people wrote, usually a few people claim their offering, but no one claimed any of these.

Coming out can be extraordinarily difficult. I wish that there was a greater understanding that we all have something that makes us hide, that society or culture tells us we should be ashamed of. The benefits of coming out are substantial, for ourselves, our society, and our culture.

When I asked if anyone had a reaction they would like to share in response to reading what their peers have not come out about yet, one student said, “I just didn’t know. I didn’t know that all of these people who have had all those experiences were here in class with me. It makes you think and realize that you don’t know people or why they do the things they do and maybe you shouldn’t judge them.”

Then I took a deep breath did something that was very scary for me. I said, “Turn around is fair play. So now I am coming out to you. I am gay.”

We all have something we can come out about, and we will be the better for it. What do you have to come out about?

About Karen Rayne

Dr. Karen Rayne has been supporting parents and families since 2007 when she received her PhD in Educational Psychology. A specialist in child wellbeing, Dr. Rayne has spent much of her career supporting parents, teachers, and other adults who care for children and teenagers.


  1. Thanks. I am so envious of your strength. I am a bisexual male. I’ve only had the courage to come out to my wife, a fellow church youth advisor, and a handful of religious professionals. I had grand plans to show up at church last weekend with a lapel pin so I could avoid saying it unless asked. It’s been pretty easy over the last few years. No one asks if you are straight. They ask if you are gay. I just haven’t been clarifying.

    At the local Pride parade, I was working on the church float. Over my shoulder I heard a comment from a friend about the two straight guys working on the float. I thought that I should actually turn around and say “1.5 actually, but why bother counting”. But I didn’t. I kept working and kept my mouth shut.

    The same day, my sister made some pretty negative comments about homosexuality. Not hateful, just negative. It was enough that I had to leave the room. My father has made similar in the past.

    At the conscious level, I know that these things aren’t going to change unless I stand up and tell my representative, my family, and my church about who I feel that I am. But I am scared to reveal myself to be the liar I have been for so long. I am scared how this revelation will change my existing relationships. And I am even somewhat scared that people might not want me teaching or working with their children or at their job.

    But there has only ever been one way to fight fear. And with your example and the other examples I have seen recently, maybe I can.

  2. I really appreciate your honesty, Tal Bard, and I am honored to be an example for you. Coming out is scary, and it is likely that not everyone will be supportive. Everyone was certainly not supportive of me, but most were. I am slowly replacing the ones who were not supportive with people who will love me for who I am, which is what I want in friends anyway.

  3. […] than jumping in with guesses about how it might feel to be them. So today I am writing about a National Coming Out Day lesson plan that I wrote two years ago and that I’ve had huge success with.   […]

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