Comments on: Say “No.” But nicely.

By: Robert

Robert — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 00:22:25 +0000

I agree with Roberto overall. As well as learning how to say “No”, we need to learn how to hear “No.”

I think the roleplaying Karen’s students are practicing sounds like an excellent exercise.

By: Dorian Rinehart

Dorian Rinehart — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:56:01 +0000

I understand what Roberto is saying, but I’m more on the lines on where Alice is coming from. I’d like to see people saying something more like, “I really like you, you are my friend. I don’t see you in a romantic way. I hope we can maintain our friendship.” But I tend to be kind of wordy and in my head, so maybe that’s too idealistic.

By: Don Hayward

Don Hayward — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:49:05 +0000

Roberto,
While I agree that that is a culturally accepted norm, it tends to surrender a lot of power to the asker. Additionally, depending on how the excuse is given, they may feel that you have led them on when they finally accept that you are not interested. Lastly, it can be stressful on the respondent. Choosing to be more honest is probably the healthier way to go for all parties involved, even if it is not the norm.

By: Alice

Alice — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:14:14 +0000

The situation I’ve been in the most often, and I’ve spent a lot of time on both sides of it, is when Person A likes Person B romantically, but Person B “only” likes Person A as a friend. I say “only” in quotes because as a friend is an important and genuine way to like someone! When both people truly want to be friends but one also wants more than that, it can get sticky. “I really do like you as a friend…really…!”

By: Roberto

Roberto — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 19:16:15 +0000

I think what might be of more value here is in the asking side of the roleplay, as opposed to the “saying no” side. The reason that I say this is that, while it would be nice if people could say “no” without giving an excuse, we have a cultural protocol that if a few invitations get declined without a proposal of an alternate date/time that would work for the invitee, the inviter is supposed to take the hint and stop asking. This even has the benefit of allowing the inviter to save a bit of face, because he or she was not technically rejected.

I guess I always thought of that as a bit of an unspoken rule, along the lines of, “If you don’t come right out and tell me I’m not in your league, I won’t tell you those pants are–ahem–unflattering.”