Comments on: The problem with stating my business

By: Patrick Erjavec

Patrick Erjavec — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 16:42:13 +0000

Well being someone who talks about sex is regarded icky to many folks, being a sexuality expert is like a psychoanalysis expert only no one is willing to talk openly about their sex life vs. their surface problems but the times are changing. BTW next time when you hand out your business card don’t internalize about what that person could be thinking about you, it’s your job and you should be proud of it!

By: Alice

Alice — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:11:08 +0000

Sometimes when someone asks me, “So, what’s Karen doing these days?” I find myself saying “She’s offering parenting classes” without saying what the parenting classes are about. I think what you’re doing is awesome, but I get tongue-tied explaining it.

By: Dorian Rinehart

Dorian Rinehart — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 12:28:00 +0000

I picked up (again) the book by Virginia Wolfe, A Room of One’s Own, last night and was leafing through it. I came on a description of Jane Austin writing her books. She kept a blank sheet of paper always over her writing and even the SERVANTS who worked in her home were not allowed to know she was actually writing anything other than plans for the house or letters. It was considered shameful. I’m so glad you do this work and I’m sorry it is still emotionally difficult. I don’t think wording will have much affect on people’s reactions - they are uncomfortable with the idea of discussing sex - their’s, their children’s, your’s or anyone else’s. I think they respond to their fear that if they ‘let you’, you might start ‘making them’ have a conversation they are scared to have.
Bravo for your continued work, in spite of the difficulties inherent in it.

By: karenrayne

karenrayne — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 16:09:17 +0000

Thanks for your kudos, Margaret. The same words of kindness and support, of course, apply to you as well! (For those who don’t know Margaret’s work, I recommend checking out her website)

Joe looked at me…well, closely and a little critically. But then he tucked my card into his pocket, we wrapped up our pleasantries, and I went on my way. So I have no idea what he actually thought of my card or my business. The important thing to me here was not his reaction - but my reaction to his potential reaction. I’ve had plenty of people be supportive of my work and plenty of people walk away because of my work. Either way, he can be said to represent a trend.

By: Margaret Pevec

Margaret Pevec — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 16:00:18 +0000

I appreciate your blog about this topic, Karen, and also appreciate your willingness to be at the forefront of breaking down the barriers you encounter as an adolescent sex educator. You didn’t describe Joe’s actual response to your card, only your wish that you hadn’t given it to him. I’d like to hear more…did he actually have a negative reaction that would lead you to believe that he wouldn’t want to have a social relationship? This is definitely tricky, as you explained to Bob…and I think his suggestion is well-founded…perhaps for your business card the wording could be different. But, the bottom line is you are breaking new ground here; ground that needs to be dug! I appreciate your sharing the nitty-gritty details of what gets in the way; especially in how you’ve internalized the culture’s reaction to anything having to do with sex (amazing, isn’t it? That people could have a negative reaction to sex ed for adolescents!!) So, my main message is “YOU GO GIRL!” Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing.

By: karenrayne

karenrayne — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 15:23:14 +0000

Yes, I generally say “sexuality” rather than “sex” and that does help. But plenty of people see them as one in the same. I’m considering changing my card in the same way next time I get a batch printed.

And good lord, when I stop having fun talking about and laughing about sex and sexuality, I hope I find something else to do! (But I am completely desensitized to being shocked about anything sexual.) But sex is fun, and often very funny! So I try to bring a similar lightness and awareness of fun and amusement into my conversations about it.

By: Bob

Bob — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 15:15:14 +0000

What if you substituted “Human Sexuality” for “Sex” in your official job title? Same meaning, but I think it makes your work sound a bit more academic and less snicker-worthy.

Anyway, I’d have thought that you, of all people, would have long since been desensitized to snickering about sex…

By: karenrayne

karenrayne — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:57:26 +0000

The difference, Bob, is that regardless of the bad rap that some professions can have (lawyer, realtor, etc.), I suspect that it’s extremely rare for someone to decide not to have any social contact with you on the basis of it. But people walk away from me, in a social context, when they find out what I do professionally. And that makes me sad.

I am not ashamed in any way of what I do. I’m quite proud of it. I help parents and teenagers come to a more open, communicative relationship. I help teenagers - and some young adults - find their own understanding of what a healthy sexual relationship is and decide whether they’re ready for that.

But when people hear the word “sex” in reference to my professional life, they either giggle like third graders and want to ask lots of questions (and I’m delighted by that, and generally giggle right alongside them) or they clear their throat and make an excuse to leave the conversation.

I suspect many of the people who leave would actually support my work, if they took the time to listen to what I have to say. But they generally don’t.

And their choice to cut off of potential community relationships makes me sad, and occasionally reticent to state clearly what I do at a first formal introduction.

By: Bob

Bob — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:43:17 +0000

If you were confident about the work you are doing, then why are you apprehensive about distributing your business card? It sounds to me like you find your work embarrassing.

I don’t think twice about handing out my business card, even though my own profession (Realtor) is getting a lot of negative publicity lately. That is because I know how many homeowners I’ve helped sell their property who would have had difficulty selling it on their own.

You, on the other hand, sound ashamed of your work.