This blog is an on-going conversation about adolescent sexuality, and all of the nuances and social issues inherent to the topic. I believe…that parents have to talk to their kids about sex…that everyone has sex, and should therefore know about sex…that sex is not all bad, even for teenagers. Read more on what I believe in my This I Believe page.
What are your favorite songs about sex? I want to create a play list that will stimulate thought and hopefully conversation about sexual issues. I want to have this play list to use as an introduction into my conversations with parents and teenagers alike, so the more eclectic and widely-appealing the better.
Here’s what I am looking for:
good music
a wide range of genre (the wider the better, actually)
a wide range of perspective (I don’t have to agree with the message to want to include the song in this list)
Here’s what I am NOT looking for:
one of the billions of songs about loooooooove
Add your favorite to the comments or you can e-mail me if you’d rather stay anonymous on the blog. Then you can check off your “Good Deed of the Day” box for today!
Filed under :sex education By karenrayne On July 30, 2008 At 10:00 am Comments : 24
I’m really not back on my feet again from the events in Tennessee on Sunday. So today I am merely pointing you towards a great blog post: Violet Blue wrote a great piece yesterday on RH Reality Check to the next president on how to completely re-vamp sexuality education in America. Here’s her down-and-dirty what-to-do for the next president:
Kill the abstinence programs. Period. Think of them as creationism in schools: optional to include in curricula but privately funded only. Fire the f- out of anyone with a religious agenda in a position of power in relation to public health. We are a nation of many faiths - most of which are not being served with this nonsense.
My best friend’s daughter is 5, and brags that she has a boyfriend. Craft programs that are age appropriate so kids understand what they’re doing every step of the way. Take a cue from England, where the Sex and Relationship Education program centers on “All About Us: Living and Growing” videos for 5-7-year-olds, 7-9-year-olds and 9-11-year-olds, with workbooks about healthy sexual relationships for kids (and adults) with learning disabilities.
Require all sex ed programs to include practical information about reproduction (including a woman’s right to choose and male responsibilities of parenthood), contraception, STDs and STIs, sexual pleasure, masturbation, consent, homosexuality, sexual tolerance, and gender identity. Kids are dealing with all this stuff; adults need to stop lying to themselves and have honest discourse with kids about it.
Set aside federal funding for a teen sex ed counselor to be on school staff at all times, exclusively for hotline-style accurate sex information, and completely confidential. Our kids’ health and futures depend on it. Require that they are tech- and Internet-savvy.
Create a task force to research and implement outreach programs that visit schools for presentations on relevant and current sexual issues. This could include the Gardasil vaccination (HPV shot), presentations on transgender issues, workshops on sexual consent, rape prevention and self-defense for girls, age-appropriate sex ed books, religious faith and sexuality, and sexual questions around - yes - political scandals
As I have mentioned in passing in this space, I am a Unitarian Universalist. I grew up going to UU churches, and I consider my Unitarian Universalism to be a major part of my identity. I attend Wildflower Unitarian Universalist Church in Austin, TX, where I gather weekly with adults and youth to deepen my understanding of the divine and my commitment to making the world a more sustainable and kinder place to be. While I am not reticent in stating my faith when asked, I rarely go out of my way to expressly identify myself as a UU. Instead, I work to exemplify my faith through my actions and my work.
Today is different.
This morning an armed man walked into the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville, Tennessee and fired on the congregation sitting in their morning services. Two are dead, and more are in critical condition. There is no evident motive. The shooter is in custody.
Today I stand with Unitarian Universalists around the world as we send support and love to the Knoxville UUs through our prayers and our thoughts.
Here is the message sent out by Rev. William G. Sinkford, President of the Unitarian Universalist Association:
I am shocked and sorrowed by the terrible shootings in the sanctuary of the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church.
My heart is heavy and my prayers are with our injured sisters and brothers in Knoxville. While many details of this tragedy remain unclear, our Association will do all we can to support Unitarian Universalists in Knoxville in the hard days to come.
A tragedy such as this makes us acutely conscious of the beauty and fragility of our lives and those of our loved ones. I am especially saddened by this intrusion of violence into a worship service involving children and youth.
I know that many people, both in Knoxville and around the country, are struggling with shock and grief right now. I pray that those so affected will find strength and comfort.
Members of the Unitarian Universalist Trauma Response Ministry are on their way to Knoxville to offer additional ministry to the congregation as it grieves. And Unitarian Universalists around the world are sending love and prayers to the Tennessee Valley congregation to tell them they are not alone on this dark day.
Yes, I am struggling with shock and grief. I know that many of my readers are Unitarian Universalists, and I know that you are working through this difficult time as well. Know that we will stand together and we will lean on each other for support. Our shared faith and doctrine of love will carry us through these terrible times.
Regardless of your religious affiliation, please pray, meditate, and send healing love and energy to our community in Knoxville.
Filed under :Uncategorized By karenrayne On July 27, 2008 At 8:12 pm Comments : 2
Well, I tried to post an ABBA video from YouTube this morning, but for whatever reason it’s not working. So you’ll have to wait for your morning dose until it shows up or I give up and re-post it.
I have been thinking about age this morning. I’m making friends with a delightful young man I’ll call Charles. I met him out with his friends this week for the first time, and we had a lovely time. He was teaching me how to three-step (or something?) at a local, completely empty gay bar. Lots of fun, and I quite liked his friends. At one point in the evening Charles mentioned he was from a certain small Texas town where one of my good friends is also from. I asked his age, wondering if they might know each other. And Charles got weird on me - blushed, shifted his eyes around, and stammered out his age. I noted his reaction, and went on with the conversation.
So yesterday I asked him (via e-mail) why he had reacted oddly when I asked his age. His response: “I guess I was worried you would suddenly think to yourself, “Why am I out with this kid…??”" Which is ridiculous, of course, he’s only three years younger than me. But that stark insecurity came from somewhere, and it got me thinking.
In the last week, I have had two people literally not believe my answer when they asked how old I was - one was sure I was older because of my professional accomplishments and one was sure I was younger based on my appearance. I showed one my driver’s licence (the one who thought I had to be older) and one my business card (the one who thought I was a 21-year-old undergraduate). It’s exhausting, this constant concern about age!
I’m too young to be a professional. I’m too old for my looks. Charles is too young to be friends with me. I’m too young to have a substantial and relevant moral and ethical position. (That last one is a whole other story I won’t even get into here.)
I am so freaking tired of people making judgments based on age! My age, your age, my children’s age, none of this is information you can use to make a personal judgment
Recently I’ve watched several of the old episodes of Doogie Howser, M.D. on hulu.com, which has also brought up some of thinking about age. Setting aside the rather laughable theoretical basis for the show, it’s interesting seeing an image of a teenager functioning in an adult world and dealing with professional slights and injustices based on his age. I remember experiencing the same intellectual slights and personal injustices as a teenager. I occasionally feel them now, albeit not nearly as often.
And ageism can certainly plague the young and the old - just last night a friend cringed in passing at the thought of an elderly couple having sex (and I regret I did not stand up and argue the point as I know that the author Joan Price would have done).
So what are your experiences with ageism? And how do you work to keep your interactions clean of ageism?
Filed under :Uncategorized By karenrayne On July 25, 2008 At 9:59 am Comments : 6
As you may remember, I’ve been writing my book this week. With my nose stuck deep into my computer keyboard for hours every day, I have found myself having fun with metaphors. And then suddenly I worried that I’m the only one who has any idea what I’m even saying. So I’d love for you to play a game with me: Does this metaphor even work?
————————-
The only way your teenager will stop start listening to you is if you stop talking.
There are a couple of common down-falls that parents make around this point. Some parents just get discouraged from lack of feedback. Other parents get overzealous and talk louder and longer, hoping that will help. Really, neither of these are good approaches. In order to fully maximize the influence your words and opinions have with your teenager, you need to minimize them.
Imagine a point you wish to make with your teenager as a balloon, the kind you find filled with helium at birthday parties. This is the point you want to make with your teenager. Imagine filling it up with helium untiland watching it bobs around nicely on the ceiling. You’re rather proud of your balloon-point. You think it is succinct and wise.
Now imagine the same event from the perspective of a teenager. Your parent has brought in this huge hot air balloon, and is rapidly blowing it up. It fills the entire room, and you’re pushed into your chair, and your chair is pushed up against the wall. The enormity of your parent’s balloon has overwhelmed you, and you’re not fully able to either grasp all of it or respond to something so enormous.
This illustrates the difference in perspective that I often see in teenagers and their parents about the same conversation. As a parent, you have to use your words and your thoughts very, very sparingly. Each single sentence that you say burrows down inside your teenager and wiggles around, bumping up against your teenager’s private thoughts and feelings. Use that power wisely and you fill find it has great effect.
————————-
And then, of course, regardless of whether it works, is it useful?
Filed under :books, parenting By karenrayne On July 24, 2008 At 8:03 am Comments : 12
I know you think you’re all cool and whatever because you’re supposed to be standing up for girls, but you’ve missed the boat here by a wide margin. In fact, rather than supporting girls’ movement towards “Real Beauty,” you’ve gone in the exact opposite direction.
And what makes this so surprising and somewhat shameful (for you, that is), is that you’ve gone to some lengths to inform people - like me - of this crappy commercial. Two weeks ago I got an e-mail from someone in your organization that said this: “As a key partner in our efforts to widen society’s stereotypical view of beauty, we wanted you to be the first to learn of the new self-esteem building programming we plan to roll out later this year…Last week, a new Dove ad, titled “Under Pressure,” will help kick off the next phase of the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty.” So apparently you think this is actually a good commercial! You’re proud of it! It’s not just something to mindlessly fill the airwaves with, but something you hope will…what, go viral?
So because I never want it to be said that I mindlessly slam something without a critical analysis, I’m going to take the time to say why this commercial shouldn’t be connected with anything related to improving girls’ self esteem:
1. Common, the redhead is stereotypically beautiful. Sure, she’s not professionally made-up in the same way that the blonde is, but she’s skinny, she’s got great hair and clear skin. Give me a break!
2. The phrase “But she’s just as beautiful…” is degrading and feeds directly into the self-image problem that girls have. If Dove had left out the words “But” and “just as” they might have had a decent sentence: “She is beautiful.”
3. I’m confused about what this commercial is supposed to be selling. Because what on earth does “Cream Oil Body Wash” have to do with anything else in this video? Does the redhead use it or the blonde? Can anyone even explain this to me??
Now, one small kudos - I like the lesbians. True, they’re an outrageously stereotypical, male-oriented image of lesbians, but nevertheless. It’s good to see female couples in mass media.
So, to sum it up, Dove, you’ve missed the ballpark here. You need to either suck it up and acknowledge that you’re just another company looking to sell body products, or you need to actually walk your talk. Make a decision. Because right now your hypocrisy is just pissing me off.
This coming week I am - gasp! - home alone. Yep, that’s right, my kids and partner have hit the vacation trail and left me to fend for myself in the wilds of South Austin. My mother-in-law’s reaction: “Well, that’s…odd. Tell me why?” Because I am writing my book. I have a whole week to myself, and I was desperately torn between updating this not-so-lovely website with the snazzy graphics I’ve been drawing in my “spare” time and finally duct-taping myself to a chair to write my book.
I decided the graphics might be more fun, but the book might actually help people. So book it is!
The book is, unimaginatively, for parents on how to talk with their teenagers about sex, sexuality, and romance. So I’m going to have a whole section on parental expectations, hopes, and fears about sex and romance. I’ve talked with many parents about this in person, and collected quite a varied list, but I’d love to hear from you, gentle readers, about your own present, past, or future thoughts about your kids’ involvements (or non-involvements) in sex and romance. Here’s a partial list of what real parents have said about their kids:
Expectations
I expect my daughter to say what she wants romantically and sexually.
I expect my son to keep his romantic and sexual engagements to himself, both at home and at school.
I expect my daughter to fall in love.
I expect my son to try and have sex with girls.
I expect my daughter to have sex as a teenager.
Hopes
I hope my son is a virgin when he gets married.
I hope my daughter really enjoys her sexual life.
I hope my son is kind to the women he has sex with.
I hope my daughter masturbates.
I hope my son loves the first person he has sex with.
Fears
I’m afraid my daughter will be gay.
I’m afraid my son will hurt someone else.
I’m afraid my daughter will be date raped.
I’m afraid my son will ruin his life.
I’m afraid my daughter will not listen to or believe what I tell her about boys and sex.
I’m afraid my son will be taken in by some girl.
Hope that gets your juices going! Leave your additions or reactions to the lists down below.
Oh, and because I’m writing on the book, my writing on this blog may be somewhat erratic this week (starting now - I hardly ever have the quiet and attention to post on a Sunday afternoon!).
While it may be true that many doctors will not prescribe hormonal birth control without a pap test and/or pelvic exam, the reality is that there is no medical basis for such a restriction. Pap tests are for cancer screening: the result of the pap test doesn’t determine whether the patient can use birth control. Neither the US Food and Drug Administration, the World Health Organization,Planned Parenthood Association, or the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists believe that a pelvic exam or pap smear should be required for hormonal birth control. According to WHO, a pelvic exam for contraceptives (including monthly injectables) is a Category C. That is “does not contribute substantially to the safe and effective use of the contraceptive method.” The information that a doctor gets from a pelvic and a pap is not information that is needed to safely prescribe hormonal birth control.
Over the past decade, questions have been raised regarding the evidence-based need for pelvicexams and Pap smears, especially in regard to the initiation of oral contraceptives. There is consensus among several prominent healthcare organizations that the pelvicexam is notrequired, at least during the initial visit. These organizations include the US Food and Drug Administration,[1] the World Health Organization,[2] Planned Parenthood Association,[3] and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.[4]
There are certainly many good reasons to do a pelvicexam and Pap smear, but initiation of birth control, specifically oral contraceptives, is notone of them.
Although hormonal contraceptives are not recommended for women with some serious medical conditions, the problems that make their use unwise are effectively identified through medical history and a simple blood pressure measurement. “Hormonal contraceptives can safely be started based on medical history review and a blood pressure check. For most women no further evaluation is needed before making a decision to use them,” said George F. Sawaya, MD, UCSF assistant professor of obstetrics, gynecology and reproductive sciences and research coordinator for the UCSF-Stanford Evidence-based Practice Center.
Furthermore, requiring pelvic exams for birth control prescriptions is both paternalistic and unethical. The decision to have a pelvic exam should be the client’s: she shouldn’t be coerced into it due to a need for contraception.
Dr. Rayne is graciously letting me hijack her blog for the day, for a chance to offer my thoughts and perspective.
As the father of daughters, I sometimes wonder what my role should be in helping them develop strong values and accurate knowledge about their bodies, their health, and their sexuality. Fathers are often shunted to the sidelines when it comes to talking about sex, many quite willingly. My partner and I sometime (half-) joke that the girls can come to me for questions about drugs, and to her about sex. But it’s a serious question. I want to be helpful, but what can I offer? It seems to me that fathers have three main responsibilities:
1) Get your own act together. To be able to be a role model and a resource, you need to have your own values worked out, and be up to speed on health and sexuality information. What do you think about teenagers being sexual? Is it different now then when you were a teenager? If your views and values have changed, why? And if your basic sex information is out of date or rusty, brush up. There are lots of good sites - like this one - that can help.
2) Respect your partner. How you treat their mother will be their first, strongest model about how relationships should be. Your actions will stick with them long after your words have been forgotten. Treat your partner with respect and you are teaching them to demand respect from their future boyfriends and partners. If you are abusive, or even condescending or dismissive to your partner, your daughters will see that as normal behavior, and expect that in the future.
3) Show up. You may not be your daughters’ first choice when it comes to questions about sex. You may end up as their choice of last resort - after their mom, their fiends, their cousin, racy novels and online tabloids. But at least they to should know that you are there. Your willingness and openness are supportive on their own. Be honest and open, even when it would be easier to pass the buck.
As fathers we have a responsibility to our daughters to be present and positive. Your daughters will benefit greatly if you do your part.
Need help talking with your child or teenager about sex?
Karen can support you in your conversations with your children and teenagers about sex. Through classes or individual consultations with you, or by talking directly with your child or teenager, Karen can help increase the conversations about sex or sexuality in your home. E-mail Karen for more information.
