Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Is it awkward to whip out a banana or a cucumber (or even better, a penis model) and tell your teenager you’re going to show her the steps on how to put on a condom? Yep, no doubt. But there’s really no other good place for your teenager to learn how - except for trial-and-error, which really no one wants.

So here are the steps:

1. Check the expiration date on the condom package. Even brand new condoms can be expired.
2. Open the package with your fingers. Teeth or scissors can tear the latex and you won’t necessarily realize it.
3. Figure out which way the condom rolls down. Put it on the head of the penis correctly.
4. Pinch the reservoir tip to squeeze the air out. This ensures that there’s space for the sperm to go in.
5. Roll the condom all the way down the penis.

And here’s the second half of the lesson that regrettably sometimes gets missed:

1. After the male orgasms, he needs to hold the condom on to the base of his penis and withdraw his penis before it becomes flaccid.  This makes sure that the condom doesn’t slip off when the penis becomes smaller.
2. Slip the condom off the penis while still holding it at the base so that the sperm isn’t spilled.
3. Tie off the open end of the condom.
4. Throw the condom in the trash.  (Not in the toilet or on the ground.  That’s just gross.)

These few moments spent together may have the effect of horribly embarrassing both the parent and the teenager.  But it may also have the effect of improving the teenager’s effective use of a condom.  And as a parent, it’s completely worth it.  Because you never want to hear the words “Ummm…because we didn’t know where the condom was when we were…you know…finished.”
And if you just can’t make yourself do it, here’s your out: YouTube, Planned Parenthood, or Our Whole Lives sexuality classes all also teach teenagers how to properly use condoms. So you’ve covered your bases if you’ve made sure that your teenager got the information from somewhere.

Condoms vs. AIDS

Happy Friday (and Happy Weekend) to everyone! I’ve started teaching my class, and am bulking up on my academic reading rather than my condom commercials…but this one jumped out as too fabulous to pass up.I also want to recommend one of Hugo Schwyzer’s recent pieces on how and when it is appropriate to talk to teenagers about breaking up with their boyfriends/girlfriends. Hugo’s blog is really great and it’s high time I recommended it in this space.

See you on Monday!

Gender is such a malleable concept.  And it can be difficult for people who are entrenched in the general understanding of gender to understand the variances.

I spoke with  my friend Sarah Dopp here some months ago, but I’m not sure I mentioned her website Genderfork, which explores androgyny and gender variance through artistic photography.

I was recently teaching a sex ed class for middle schoolers, and one of the boys was looking at two pictures of an effeminate man from the book Naked New York by Greg Friedler.  In the first picture the man is fully clothed, and the second one he is fully naked.  The boy was grappling with gender and sexual orientation, and confused by the difference between the two.

He said something along these lines: “I can see from this first picture that he is a transsexual, but then I’m confused by this second picture.  He’s clearly gay from the waist up, but then straight from the waist down.  Can you explain this to me?”

Happily, the explanation was much easier to explain than the boy’s erratic guess. (The pictured man was somewhat androgynous, and that we could make no guesses or assumptions about his sexual orientation.)

I have just started a session of my class for parents, and one of the topics that the parents said they wanted to be sure and cover was the difference between transgender and transsexual and how those two topics relate to the gay-straight continuum.

So I’ve been thinking about gender here and there over the past several months.

Then I ran across an article in the New York Times published today called Albanian Custom Fades -  Woman as Family Man.  In extremely patriarchal Albania, if the patriarch of the family died with no male heirs, a virgin woman in the family could take a vow of virginity, give up marriage, sex, and children, and become culturally a man.  Wow!

However, as women have gained rights in Albania, it is no longer problematic for a household to be without a patriarch, and so the custom has died out.  The women quoted in the article seemed basically happy with their lives as men, which they had both sworn to around age 20.  They felt they had more options, more freedom when they were young women living as men, and they had more respect now that they are old women living as men.  One woman said she might not have made the choice she did if women had had more options when she was young.

The article is sure to state that this tradition had nothing to do with being a lesbian.   But I wonder what it has to do with gender.  How much of young, virgin, Albanian women changing genders was based in need of the family, and how much was based in gender identity?  In any event, the Times article is highly interesting and has some great pictures.  It is well worth a read.

(Oh, and we’ll be talking about gender and homosexuality in the third parent class, by the way.)

Today the lovely Blog Nosh Magazine launches - and while I’m excited about the concept in general, I’m even more excited because I’m an editor!

 Here’s what we’re doing:

Blog Nosh Magazine is an online magazine dedicated to promoting the best archived posts from your own personal blogs.

You know those really great posts you wrote before anyone was reading your blog?  The ones you try to pimp out in your sidebar’s “Dear God, Please Read These Before You Judge Me for Writing About My Allergies 4 Days in a Row!” section?  Yeah, those.

If it has fallen off of your front page (”archived”) and you love it, then we will be noshing on it!

Blog Nosh Magazine is different from those blogs who choose weekly or monthly round-ups of great posts in that we republish the full post, not just the headline or title.  We feel this greatly increases your chance of building your audience, as they have an opportunity to sample or “nosh on” your writing before clicking through.

So that’s what Blog Nosh is for bloggers, but what does it mean for you readers, those of you who generally delight in reading this and other blogs, but don’t write one yourself?  Well, it means that editors like me, Megan Jordan, and others, will be hard at work providing you with some of the best content on the web.

I’m an editor for the “Personal” section.  That means I’ll be publishing blog posts about sex, sexuality, relationships, etc.  (So if you’re a blogger, and you’ve got a post on those topics that you love, and you want to submit it to me for possible publication, send me an e-mail.)
So come check us out! The posts will be slowly building over the next several days across all of the channels, and will eventually level out to include a nice range of interesting, high quality content Monday through Friday.

We have some old friends staying with us right now with their granddaughter, who is almost one year old. We’ll call our friends the Sullivans, their daughter Hannah, and their granddaughter Beth. Here is the startling story of the Beth’s birth:

Hannah was 18, and a senior in high school. The Sullivans thought she might be sexually active, and offered to provide her with birth control, but she declined saying she was not having sex with her boyfriend.

And then Hannah started…gaining weight…most prominently in her tummy area. The Sullivans started wondering between themselves whether Hannah was pregnant or not. They dropped hints, tried to bring up the possibility obliquely. But Hannah did not seem to pick up on their hints, and never showed any sign of being pregnant. Except that her tummy grew a bit more every month.

Finally Mrs. Sullivan asked Hannah point-blank if she was pregnant. Hannah looked her mother in the eye and said no. Now, Mrs. Sullivan knew that Hannah had a tendency to lie. But she just didn’t think that Hannah could lie about something so big so completely. So she took her word for it.

Hannah was in a car accident, and the police officer asked her if she was pregnant, saying that if she was, he had to take her directly to the hospital. Hannah told the police officer no, she was not pregnant.

Hannah’s friends asked if she was pregnant, and she told every friend who asked, that no she was not pregnant.

You probably get the gist of where this story is going.

So the Sullivans went on vacation.  They drove three days to visit extended family, and on the day they arrived they got a phone call from Hannah in the hospital: “Mom, I had  baby.”  It had been Hannah’s plan that she would have the baby during the Sullivans’ well-timed trip, and that she would give it up for adoption before they came back.  But after the birth, she changed her mind.

The moral of this story: What incredible fortitude!  What strength and will!  Hannah is an amazing, powerful young woman.  When her determination is pointed in a supportive, meaningful direction, watch out world!

Many children and teenagers have this kind of willpower.  But adults, for whatever reason, aren’t able to see it in that light very often.  Far more commonly, adults label these children and teenagers as rebellious or deviant or liars.  Young people in these places are rarely praised for this gift and power they have of determination and strength - and so they are far more likely to see it as a negative personal trait that they should try and rid themselves of, rather than a gift and a responsibility that they can train and use.

Next time a child or a teenager you know does something that you are tempted to label as “rebellious” or “deviant” or even “bad,” stop for a minute.  How can you change your perception of this action, so that you can see where something good inside the child or teenager was misled or poorly utilized to get to this point.  Then speak to the good rather than the bad, and suggest how that positive quality could be used differently next time.

And remember Hannah and the will behind her decision and her ability to stay behind that decision through incredible difficulties over many months.

Listen up, Parents: Your teenagers listen to you. You talk, they listen. They might not appear to take in anything you say, but it goes in nevertheless. And it affects them, whether they’re willing to show you or not.

And here’s the even more impressive thing: You don’t have to talk very much. In fact, if you talk too much they stop listening!

So for serious impact on your teenager you don’t actually have to do much talking!
Maximum benefit for minimum input! How often do you get such a great offer?

Adolescence is a time of breaking away from parents and family - so your teenagers are developing their own identity separate from you. And one way they’ll do that is by not engaging with you in conversation.

But never fear!

Your teenagers are listening to you, and when you talk to them in moderation and restraint, they think about what you say. Even when they don’t respond, and
even when they roll their eyes.

But beware of talking too much! If your teenager says you’ve said something “a million times,” you’ve got that point driven home. Don’t mention it again - for at least 6 - 8 months! Mark it on your calendar!

Yes, Virginia, there ARE teenagers who want to have a baby.

Yesterday Mommy B sent me to this story about Gloucester High, where the fad last year was to try and get pregnant. Is this a new trend? Nope. Is it surprising? Maybe, if you haven’t been paying attention. And will the school’s attempts to offer free birth control without parental permission help the situation? Absolutely not. But they should do it anyway.

I am not surprised by a group of girls making a pact to raise children together. High school girls have been trying to get pregnant since I was in high school fifteen years ago, although I doubt it was a new trend then. I understood the draw of deeply wanting a baby in high school, although I never went so far as to actually try and conceive one until just a few years later.

And here is where this issue gets deeply personal for me. I was young, by many standards, when my partner and I started trying to conceive. I was 21 when I got pregnant, but perhaps I looked younger. I got many snide comments from strangers about making choices because of what I wanted rather than what a baby would need. I got crass questions from acquaintances about whether I knew what caused this sort of “thing.”

And I have never taken well to anyone who calls my daughter a “thing.”

So I was a young mother. And many took me to be a young teenage mother. So they asked me, rudely, why I wanted to have a baby. I tended to give vague answers I thought would get them off my back as quickly as possible about wanting to care for the younger generation, etc. But the truth was, I wasn’t really sure why I wanted to have a baby. But I knew it in the same way I knew my partner and I were meant for each other. Could I justify myself? Not really. How can you ask someone to justify something that there is no justification for? When it comes down to it, what is the “right” reason for wanting to have a baby?

Two Gloucester High students who were willing to be interviewed postulated that the girls were trying to get pregnant because:

“They’re so excited to finally have someone to love them unconditionally.”

and

“No one’s offered them a better option.”

And those are probably not great reasons to want to have a baby. But as I’ve said: when it comes right down to it, what is a great reason?

Teenage girls who want to have babies will probably give much the same rambling, unsure answers to the “Why” question that I did. Some might say something vague about wanting someone to love and someone to love them back. But what do much older moms-to-be say about why they want a baby? Oh, that’s right, they’re not asked. It’s assumed that an older woman either has her reasons for wanting a baby or that it’s rude to ask. My point is that, unless you’re the woman’s therapist or partner, it’s rude to ask or conjecture about why teenagers or older women want babies.

However, there are often serious underlying issues when young women decide that they want to get pregnant. It is rarely a teenage woman who feels happy, supported, and loved who decides she wants to have a baby. But nothing can be gained from judging these young women’s choices - they have probably had their choices judged far too often already in their lives. And a pregnancy can not be stopped by providing a mother-to-be with birth control, because she won’t use it, regardless of her age.

So what to do?

Young women need to feel that they are (1) in control of their lives, (2) can make a positive impact on the world, and (3) that they are loved for who they are and who they are becoming. For that matter, young men need the same thing. And note the careful wording: Teenagers need these things, they are not casual desires.

Part of providing the control in need 1 is having access to free, effective birth control without parental knowledge or consent. Another part is providing more extensive sexuality education beyond the first year of high school. And there are lots of really cool ways to engage young women to meet need number 2. (Feel free to e-mail me if you need some suggestions!) As for need 3, I am sad that this is not among the most understood and most often met needs for teenagers. It can be parents, teachers, friends, siblings. Each of us needs someone to love us completely, but teenagers are in such a state of identity flux that they particularly need that kind of encompassing and supportive love.

Regrettably, the answer I am giving to the Gloucester High problem is not simple or easy to dispense for free (unlike condoms). But it is potentially life-changing for everyone involved.

Recently I wrote about first masturbation experiences - and how little we really know about how and when people start masturbating.  This has naturally led me to thinking about first orgasms, and by extention I’ve been reading about orgasms in general.
But as with first masturbation experiences, I really have more questions about first orgasms than answers.

• Are first orgasms generally alone or with another person?  I think I know the answer here (alone) but I certainly have never read any research on the topic.
• When the first feelings of pleasure leading up to orgasm hit, how many people know what’s happening, know the language for what’s going on?  Paul Feig, notably, called it “the rope feeling” after his first orgasmic experience on a climbing rope in grade school.
• How many people are scared by their first orgasm?  I was flipping through a book last night in the bookstore, and ran across a quote by a woman who said she had her first orgasm in her thirties - and was terrified.
• Linked to these last two questions: Do first orgasms carry religious significance?

It is, of course, generally accepted knowledge that all men experience orgasm from pre-adolescence or adolescence onward while women have a much wider range of orgasmic experience (with some never orgasming, others joining the club late in the game, and still another group starting quite young).  Or at least I thought that was general knowledge.  But a dear friend was recently stunned - stunned! - when I mentioned it in an off-the-cuff sort of way.  She has since started to postulate wildly about whether or not people she knows - friends, family, acquaintances - have had the first orgasm experience.

Which leads me back to another question: Do people stress if they have never had an orgasm? Do they feel like they “should” have orgasms, feel like lower-quality lovers because they haven’t yet?

And how might the answers to all these questions influence how parents talk with their children and teenagers about sex?  What do you think?

I occasionally adjunct for the Universities around town, and there is one particular summer course at the University of Texas that I find much delight in teaching.  It’s short and brutal (sixteen weeks of material squashed into 15 consecutive class days), but the students are highly motivated and focused.  I was so pleased to be asked back this summer to teach it again!

However, I am severely daunted by the idea of trying to keep up my blogging while teaching this class.  So I am looking for one, two three, maybe even four guest bloggers to keep you, my gentle readers, in the red with reading material.  I am even hoping that one or two or more of you, my gentle readers, are interested in trying on the blogging hat over here at Adolescent Sexuality Headquarters!  It’s easy, it’s fun, and it’ll give you something to brag about.

Here are the requirements:

1. You have to be willing to write post(s) which are related, in some way, to teenagers or sexuality or teenage sexuality.

Yep, that’s it.  Write about current political events, yourself as a teenager, yourself as a parent, your parents, your grandparents, your schools - whatever!  I would particularly love to talk with a few teenagers about guest blogging.

So send me an e-mail!   karen.rayne@gmail.com

Or leave a comment!

I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

MTV has a new initiative to reduce HIV transmission. A worthy cause to support an interesting initiative. Anyone can call Stand By What You Say and record a short message. A nifty little software called SpinVox turns your message into text, which is then posted on the homepage.  Everyone who contributes is asked to give a small donation.

It’s being billed as a blog of sorts, but it’s not really a blog in the normal sense of a blog, because there are potentially millions of contributors.  But the focus of everyones contribution is supposed to be about sex - and the site is supposed to be an outlet for supportive safe sex.

So far there are only a handful of contributions on the first topic (sex secrets).  But I am honestly surprised by the quality of the messages and the supportive nature of the comments so far.  Maybe this is because the service has gotten more calls from the UK than the US so far?  (There are also numbers to call if you’re in Canada, Spain, France, Germany, and Ireland.)

This seems like the sort of thing that could really take off and be wildly popular, or the sort of thing that could languish in the section of the Internet labeled “Boring and Unused.”

I called Stand By What You Say, along with a friend, but my post hasn’t shown up on the homepage yet.  Maybe I’ll let you know when it does.  I’d love to hear from others who call and leave a message.  How do you feel about the experience?