Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

So there is a lot I want to write about today - The Education of Shelby Knox, which I saw last night and heard Shelby speak afterwards, the Miley Cyrus debacle, the Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASAs) who are working on the FLDS case, and the hearings on the effectiveness of abstinence-only-until-marriage “sex education” to name four of the top of my head. Regrettably, time is short and my children are sick. So I am going to restrain myself to raving about The Education of Shelby Knox. You’ll have to wait until tomorrow (or the next day, or the next) for the rest. But never fear, gentle readers, I will get to all these pressing topics soon!

The Education of Shelby Knox chronicles a high school student’s search for religious truth and meaning while working tirelessly towards the goal of comprehensive sex education for high school students in Lubbock, Texas. It’s a great movie, with a mixture of funny and emotional moments that’s hard to come by in a documentary. I highly recommend it as a great watch!

I do wonder, though, at the effect on Shelby of having her adolescent life spread rather copiously in the public view. This is somewhat different from the standard teenage starlet, because it’s an actual documentary of Shelby’s actual life over three years. Several blog posts ago, the conversation arose about what’s appropriate for teenagers to have put out there in this very information and media saturated world - naked pictures? a documentary about their life? - before their cognitive processes and judgement have developed to the point where the State deems them able to make full decisions (i.e., either 18 or 21, depending on your perspective).

Shelby herself appears to have flourished in the wake of the documentary, and is now working as a consultant across the country on supporting and expanding comprehensive sex education.

I am going to see a film today called The Education of Shelby Knox.  I’m looking forward to it - it looks like a great movie - but it’s particularly exciting because Shelby Knox herself will actually be there!  Here’s a short description from IMDB:

 A 15-year-old girl’s transformation from conservative Southern Baptist to liberal Christian and ardent feminist parallels her fight for sex education and gay rights in Lubbock, Texas.

If you’re local, and you’d like to join me at the screening at UT early this evening, it runs from 4 to 6 at the Union Theater, and both the entrance and the pizza will be free!  You can find out more particulars on the event’s Facebook page.  I’ll have a review for you tomorrow - but I’d rather see you there!

The Dinah Project recently had a post about how to carry a condom, and ended the post with a good argument for why girls should carry their own condoms. It’s a good post. Straightforward, interesting, and educational. You should forward it on to the teenagers you know, so they’ll be one step closer to using condoms correctly.

Here’s a few excerpts from the post:

To this day, carrying condoms in wallets and back pockets are common choices for men. It needs to be said that fantasies aside, your luck with shine through so much better when your contraceptive is intact. There is something to be said for not having to fumble around for a condom when the time comes, but pulling out a shabby, old prophylactic isn’t going to impress a soul.

…

Besides all this logic and practicality, sharing the condom load between the sexes inspires other creative benefits. For example, it can be the ultimately cool way to overcome the awkwardness of covering the bill in these times when having him pay up just doesn’t always feel right. Dinner is on him, condoms are on you. Well, sort of.

So go read the whole post! You might learn something, and you can pass that knowledge on to so many people in so many places!

When I was about 19, I had the following conversation with my grandfather (GF) and great-grandmother (GG) about my same-age cousin:

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GG: Well, your cousin just moved in with her boyfriend.

Me: Oh, that’s nice! Good for her.

GF: Yes.  She’s told us that she is sleeping in her own bedroom and he is sleeping in his own bedroom.

GG: And I just don’t know, but I think her parents actually believe her! But we all know that’s not really happening!

(GG and GF cackle delightedly.)

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I have to admit - I was astounded at this rather benign joke coming from several generations up. I had never talked about anything sexual with anyone older than my parents before - and even that was under duress.

But I’ve got grandparents on the mind today, because today is Grandparent’s Day at my daughter’s school. So we have quite a few grandparents in town - including that same grandfather - now great-grandfather.

Several months ago in one of my classes for parents on adolescent sexuality, I had a grandparent attend. He wanted to know how he could help his grandchildren learn about and process their sexual development. Specifically, his biggest question was this:

“If my grandchildren come to me with questions or advice about sexuality, am I morally required to tell their parent (i.e., my children) about our conversations?”

I had to think through that question for some time. It’s a good one. Generally I say that a non-parental adult needs to tell the parents of a teenager if the teenager comes to that non-parental adult to talk about sex. (Unless, of course, the parent has given the non-parent permission to have a confidential relationship with the teenager. Which is something I highly, highly recommend.)

But as I thought more in-depth on the issue, I do think that there are a few relationships that may allow a non-parental adult to choose to not inform the parents of on-going conversations about sex and sexuality. Here is my list of those relationships:

• siblings
• grandparents
• teachers
• church youth advisor/minister

There may be a few others, depending on the people involved.  So to all the grandparents (and great-grandparents) out there in Internet-land: Go talk with your grandchildren about sex!  It’ll be good for both of you.

However, before I head out, I want to point out that taking on a role of adult confidant of a teenager has serious, and imperative, responsibilities associated with it. I’ll expound on them sometime in the near future - right now I’m off to hang out with seven of my children’s grandparents and great-grandparents.  (There are four not in attendance - yes, my children do have too many grandparents, the lucky ducks!)

After Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I am ready for something on a lighter note. I recently ran across a fun comic called the Invisible Life of Poet by Christopher Wilson. Below is the one I found first - although many of the others are worth browsing through too.

As long as we’re talking about the line between appropriate and inappropriate adolescent sexuality, I thought I would bring up Jock Sturges. There is much controversy about Jock Sturges‘ photography. Mr. Sturges primarily takes pictures of nude adolescent girls on nude beaches.

The contention is whether or not Mr. Sturges’ pictures are nude art or under age pornography.

The answer, of course, may lie in whether you’re French or American - that is, what kind of cultural and sexual understanding you have of the human body. This is really so similar to how people understand the FLDS debacle - so much is based on how you see girls between the ages of 12 and 16. (And yes, it is absolutely a tragedy and a debacle, regardless of which “side” you’re on.)

Me? I think that girls between the ages of 12 and 16 should be free to find their own sexuality - but should not be the objects of adults’ sexual desires. Basically, I think the FLDS folks shouldn’t allow their daughters to marry under age 18, and I don’t think it’s appropriate for Jock Sturges to publish images of girls under 18 naked.

Mr. Sturges talks at length about the quality of his relationship with the girls he photographs and their parents. And I commend him for that - or, rather, I don’t condemn him as I would if he didn’t make it crystal clear that he has a great relationship with them. Nevertheless, it’s hard enough for young teenage girls to make sense of their developing sexuality without their naked images being published online and in books.

Give teenage girls time and space to develop sexually and romantically. There is plenty of time - plenty! - for them to get married and pump out babies if that’s what they want or to pose naked for photographers if that’s what they want. I just don’t think that a 13 year old is ready enough to make those decisions - and I certainly don’t think her parents should be making them for her.

And to stave off the comments I already see in the rear view mirror: No, I’m not sure an 18 year old or even a 24 year old is always fully ready to make those decisions either. But I am absolutely confident that a post-adolescent woman of 18 is more capable of making decisions than a pre-adolescent girl of 13.

I am not including any of Mr. Sturges’ pictures in this blog post on purpose, but you can find plenty here and in the links above.

Yesterday I put forward what I have been able to gather about the FLDS events in San Angelo, Texas. I asked for readers’ opinions about the events, and the comments were particularly impassioned and came from radically different points of view. I said I would write today about my opinions and interpretations of the events. I acknowledge that some of yesterday’s commenters, and everyone who agrees with their perspective, are going to disagree with me. There’s no way around that. But I still feel compelled to outline my reaction.

First, I want to point out that it seems that if you (1) distrust the media and/or (2) distrust the state of Texas, you’re going to be inclined to think a horrible thing has been done here. On the other hand, if you’re inclined to (1) trust the media and/or (2) trust the state of Texas, you’re going to be inclined to think that justice is in the process of being served.

So where do I stand on the general trustworthiness of the media and the state?

I believe the media is tied to advertisers - and is really only interested in gathering eyes for the advertisers rather than actually conveying relevant and important information. So I think they over-state and sensationalize everything to increase viewers. But there is generally a grain of truth if you dig hard enough.

I believe the state generally, and the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services specifically, are made up of hardworking people who are dedicated to doing the best they can to keep children safe. However, these people are generally over-worked, under-paid, and do incredibly hard work. So they absolutely make mistakes, including occasionally over-reacting or under-reacting.

And here’s a bedrock belief that I think guides everything else: Marrying young girls to much older men to produce babies is wrong. This is a form of gender-based slavery (rather than ethnicity-based slavery), and it is wrong. Is it wrong if the FLDS’ religious doctrine tells someone to do it? Yes. Is it wrong if Muslim doctrine tells someone to do it? Yes. Is it wrong even if it was the norm 1500 years ago? Yes.

Was the FLDS compound marrying young girls to much older men to produce babies? All indications suggest that at least some parts of the community were. And that has to be stopped.

Because of the world we live in, it’s most likely the state who is going to step in and demand that the FLDS give their girls enough time to grow up before they become wives and mothers. Is that ideal? No, of course not. But the children must be kept emotionally, developmentally, and sexually safe while it is determined whether and under what conditions they can be reunited with their families.

But here is where I am at a loss. The children who have been taken from the FLDS compound have lived very - extremely - sheltered lives. The foster care system is absolutely not in any way the place for them to live. But where else to go? Not home - not to foster care. This is where my grief at the situation reaches the place where I circle back on myself, not knowing where to turn.

These children need quiet, attentive homes where the daily rhythms are as close as possible to what they have known all of their lives to live in until they are (hopefully) able to go back to their families with an action plan in place. I called the Texas foster care hotline this morning to see if there was a way to become a foster placement for these children. But there is not. I understand - they certainly wouldn’t want to fast track individuals simply to meet the needs of these children because they would inevitably approve people who should not be approved. But nevertheless, this is an extraordinary situation. And I hope the state rises to extraordinary heights meet the needs of these children.

There is so much to talk about in this case - feel free to ask me questions in the comments section and I’ll try to answer as thoughtfully and fully as I can.

I have been thinking, reading, and speaking with more people about the heartrendingly painful events taking place here in Texas. 416 children from a Fundamentalist Church of Later Day Saints (FLDS) ranch were taken into state custody just over two weeks ago. This point everyone agrees on. Almost everything else, it seems, have people disagreeing.

There are some groups, including the ACLU, who see this as a civil rights issue - the freedom (or state imposed lack-thereof) to practice religion.

There are other groups who couch the issue purely in terms of sexual abuse against teenage girls.

There are more and less sensationalistic reports about various aspects of the events.

So after reading what I could, and talking those who know how child abuse cases in Texas go, and thinking about the myriad issues, here is how I see the facts of things:

There are essentially three positions here: the state, the parents, and the children.

The state lawyers are alleging that FLDS pre-teen and teenage girls are put into arranged spiritual marriages with much older men when they are younger than is legally allowed by the state (16 years old here in Texas). There may be girls as young as 8 or 9 who are married, although the state suggests that most of the marriages happen between 12 and 14. These young girls are told that their greatest gift is to produce as many children as possible for their husbands.  The lawyers for the state say that girls this young having sex with adult men, regardless of their marital status, is statutory rape and sexual abuse.

The parents (mostly the mothers) and their lawyers state that the FLDS group is a tightly knit, loving community of families and that there is no abuse of any kind happening on their ranch.  From what I have been able to gather, they have said as little as possible about what ages they allow their daughters to marry and have children.

The children want to go home.

Today I will continue to process these thoughts, read the thoughts of others, and talk with people I think will have additional insights.  I’ll gather my thoughts and reactions and opinions for tomorrow.

In the meantime, what do you think about the FLDS events here in Texas?

Ready to be appalled?

The big story that’s been making the rounds on lots of blogs this week is about a new book coming out that explains mom’s upcoming plastic surgery to kids in much the same way that other books explain going to the dentist or non-standard family organization. You can find more about the book here.

There are so many things that are wrong with this book it’s hard for me to know where to begin.

Let’s start with women’s poor self-esteem that they feel their bodies must look pre-children even post-children. Our bodies change with the birth of our children, often irrevocably. But women feel that they have to stay “young” and “attractive” within a very narrow definition, and so they have plastic surgery. This is a dreadful psychological game to play, and can have serious side effects (up-to-and-including death, because plastic surgery can be a serious operation).

Let’s move on to the permanent distortion of a child’s self-image and understanding of beauty that comes with deciding to (for example, as the book explains) re-shape your body to fit into your clothes rather than get new clothes to shape your body. Or let’s take the phrase “Not just different - prettier!” that describes what the mother will look like after a tummy tuck, a nose job, and breast implants. The body image issues that this book plants deep inside young girls’ heads are outrageous!
One person Newsweek interviewed suggested that rather than basing the surgery on the need to augment the mother’s physical beauty, the storybook mama should have said something along the lines of “It’s silly, but I want to do it anyway, so I’m going to.” At least that’s slightly more honest.

Because what I am working always to teach children and teenager is that one can have a tummy bulge and saggy breasts and still be beautiful. Expanding our culture’s image of beauty is where our focus with our children needs to be - not justifying the lack of balance and understanding.

So while I have not actually read the entirety of My Beautiful Mommy by Dr. Michael Salzhauer (just the excerpts from the Newsweek website), I feel absolutely confident in saying it’s a book that should never be read to actual children.

Of course, I wish that there were no children who had need to know why their mothers are going in for surgery and will look different (maybe prettier, maybe not) afterwards. But when mothers give up on their own, natural physical beauty and buy into the customized, unified, stereotypical version and get plastic surgery, I’m with Elizabeth Berger, the child psychiatrist who suggests that mothers just own up to wanting something silly and presenting it to their children in such a light.

Today is Part 4 in this series on sex as a privilege for which there are responsibilities, and I will focus on the social responsibilities. You can read the introduction in part 1, the physical responsibilities in part 2, and the relational responsibilities in part 3.

(As a side note, I am in the process of preparing the syllabus for a graduate course I will be teaching at the University of Texas this summer, and am trying to resist the urge to sound professor like. Please excuse me if I fail.)

Sex in all it’s forms is generally considered a private act. And really, those who prefer sex to be a public act can generally be put aside, because it is often hard enough for a teenager to gather the courage to be sexual in front of their sex partner, much less strangers in a voyeuristic context.

Nevertheless, the sexual relationship that teenagers choose to enter - or choose not to enter - are often critical to their social spheres. And so it is a very delicate balancing act for a teenager between allowing it to be known that they are engaging sexually with someone or not. And while it may seem harmless enough at the time to mention last night’s hook-up to a best friend, the results can spin out of control far more quickly than one might imagine.

What this means is that teenager lovers and sex partners must come to an agreement about who else can know about a sexual relationship. With the understanding that everyone needs someone to talk with outside of a relationship, but that those people must be chosen with attention.

This responsibility can be summed up nicely this way: You have a responsibility to attend to the gossip and social harm that might come to your sexual partners due to your words.