Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Several weeks ago a young woman contacted me. With her permission, I am posting her question:

Karen, there is this guy I like a lot and I think he likes me a lot. We work together and I really enjoy hanging out with him. I want to ask him out on a date since he is not making the first move. The problem is I am 16 about to turn 17 and he is 23 about to turn 24. So there is a 7 yr age difference. When I told mom I was thinking about asking him out she freaked out on me. I still really want to date him. Do you think 7 yrs is too much of an age difference? Thanks

And here is my response to her:

A big age difference is a complicated thing. 7 years difference is
clearly yucky in some cases (say, an 11 year old dating an 18 year old),
and is not a problem at all in others (say, a 40 year old dating a 47 year
old). The problem is that you and this guy are somewhere in between.

The other issue, of course, is the legal aspect. In many states a 23 (or
24) year old is not legally able to engage in sexual activity with a 16
(or 17) year old. And most dating relationships involve some sexual
contact. Seeing as you like this guy, I’m sure you wouldn’t want him to
be at risk of going to jail because of you. If your mom is dead-set
against your relationship with this man, than she can make the world very
hard on him.

However, that said, I am not one to freak out about a relationship just
because of an age difference. Too much has to do with who you are and who
he is!

So here’s what I would suggest: If you really like this guy, take the long
view of the relationship. Become better friends with him - hang out with
him outside of work - introduce him to your family and friends as just a
friend - meet his family and friends. But don’t come anywhere near a date
or a sexual relationship with him until (1) Your mom and your best friend
both really like him and both give you their seals of approval on starting
a relationship or (2) You turn 18, whichever happens first.

(Although I still think you should get your best friend’s approval even
after you’re 18! BFs can often see the men we like more clearly than we
can, and often have a better sense of whether he’d be OK to date.)

I’d love to know what you think of my advice, and what you decide to do!

She has since written me back and said that after careful consideration, she decided she liked my suggestions. She is going to invite her love-interest to her birthday party, where he can meet her mom and her friends.

I am delighted that this young woman felt that she wasn’t getting the support she wanted from her mother, but knew she needed help. It takes great inner-strength to know when you need advice and support and to be willing to seek it out.

One word of caution, however, to the parents out there: This young woman’s mother is uninterested and relatively unwilling to meet the young man. I am most disappointed by this turn of events, and would take her to task most severely if I knew her. Declining to meet your teenager’s friends and dates will not serve to keep them away from your child, it will only serve to keep you away from your child when they may need you the most.

I am going to the Vagina Monologues in Austin this evening, and I am very excited about it!  This will be the first time for me to see the play, although I have wanted to for some time.  There are still tickets available, and at $15 they’re a great deal!  Eve Ensler will be there as well.  Fabulous!

And speaking of fabulous Friday fun, I like the Virtual Orgasm Simulator.  Hooray!

I learned many things at SXSW Interactive.

First and foremost, of course, I learned that geeks are a lot of fun. There were interesting and relevant panels starting at 10am everyday, and when they ended at 6pm, the parties started and went until 2 or 3 or 4 in the morning. The networking and connecting were amazing and fabulous.

I went to a panel on what teenagers want online and on their cell phones, and what they had to say was really interesting. There were really three points that seemed particularly salient:

1. Teenagers don’t use e-mail except to communicate with adults (teachers, family, etc.). Instead they communicate through their cohort’s social networking site of choice (Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, etc.).
2. Teenagers don’t use cell phones to talk to each other. Instead, they use them to text message and to play games. This was also true of the participants at SXSW, and I found it rather disconcerting. My old dinky cell phone just wasn’t up to the challenge, and I’m considering getting an iPhone so I can manage to stay in touch with my more technology-enabled new friends.
3. Teenagers don’t watch TV on TV - they watch it online. Based on this point in the panel, and many other conversations about technology, I’ve got to say that I disagree with my new friend Sarah Dopp’s position that TV and Internet time are as different as reading an book and watching TV. Rather, I posit the point that Internet time is a larger, more general category that can and does include TV time. Furthermore, they do both need to be categorized as “screen time” because of the very real impact on our human eyes, brain, and body when we sit still and stare at a screen - regardless of what is on it.

These points about communication are relevant to anyone who is trying to communicate with teenagers, including parents and teachers. Generally the most effective way to reach someone is the way they tend to communicate with their friends in passing. While of course teenagers continue to hang out in person, they are as often as not texting a friend who is in the same room with private commentary on the public conversation. This is something that many adults like teachers and parents just don’t seem to fully get, and so they stand to loose out on the full context of their conversations with technologically savvy teenagers.

I also met a number of sex bloggers (and missed more that I had hoped to catch!). As this blog straddles the world between sex and parenting, it’s been hard for me to figure out really where I belong. So far, I have aimed my time and communication at the parenting blogging world. It was eye-opening and fun to begin talking with the sex bloggers as well.

The Oklahoma Court of Criminal Appeals ruled that a man taking a picture up the inside of a 16-year-old girl’s skirt in public is not illegal.  How is this even possible?  Apparently he was charged as a Peeping Tom - and apparently that law only applies to places where someone can reasonably claim privacy - their home, the bathroom, etc.  Okay, okay, fine.  But what about taking pictures of a 16-year-old’s vagina?  Last time I checked that was illegal regardless of whether the 16-year-old knew about it or not!

I hate it when things happen when I’m out of touch. On Tuesday, March 11th, the CDC came out with a press release that 26% of US teen girls has an STD.

This headline (just like my blog post title) is being widely spread and highly freaked out over. But there’s more in the press release, and these points are not getting enough attention. The CDC further specifies that:

• Actually, 1 in 4 teenage girls has one of the most common STDs (human papillomavirus (HPV), chlamydia, herpes simplex virus, and trichomoniasis). That means we’re not even talking about the many other less common, but still highly problematic STDs.
• The “average” reported rate is not evenly distributed among racial groups. African American teen girls are infected at almost 50%, while Anglo teen girls are infected at about 20%.
• Contraceptive services and STD services are both needed to help teenage girls get all the help they need, but few receive both kinds of services (38%). But even more depressingly, that 38% may be getting very poor quality services. Ridiculously, some of these programs can claim to be “contraceptive services” and still be lacking critical information like the connection between unprotected sex and pregnancy.

This is so depressing for so many reasons. But let’s hop over the negative, and talk about ways to address the multitude of problems this press release presents.

One potential solution that the CDC recommends is for public clinics to have an express visit option for STD testing. By allowing someone access to STD testing without requiring a doctor’s presence, far more tests can be done, and far more STD diagnosis can be made. At one NYC health clinic, 4,500 more individuals were tested for STDs, and diagnosis increased by 17%. Dramatic, yes? The CDC press release did not provide enough information about this potential solution. There’s no information about who would preform the tests, who would give the results, and at what point information about healthy and safe sexuality would be passed on.

However, what clearly needs to happen above all else is comprehensive sex education for everyone. The STD rates among Europe teenagers are far, far lower than US teenagers, and it’s not due to substantially lower sex engagement.

The radical difference between racial groups STD infection rates really struck me. Sexuality education is clearly a civil rights issue. We need to start talking about it in those terms.

How do you think we should respond to the CDC results?

Wow! I must say, I did not think that SXSW would be what it was. Thanks so much to Wendy for taking the reigns while I was away!

SXSW was:

First: an amazing networking experience. I think my favorite online-sex-blogger connection was with Lux Alptraum. Lux writes Boinkology - a blog all about the science of sex. I highly recommend you check it out.

Second: included some amazing new friends. We danced the night away (or at least closed down the bars) three nights in a row!

Third: taught some lovely little insights into the sordid underworld of sex, blogging, and gossip. I must say, I did not expect this geeky-world to be so full of intrigue and drama.

Needless to say, I had a blast! More later in the week - after I begin to recover five nights of lost sleep!

 (Written by guest blogger Wendy Harlowe.)

I said I would write about substance abuse and adolescent sexuality, but I am amending that. I think there are plenty of people who use alcohol and drugs without abusing them (experimentation lies in this realm), but I think my opinions still stand.

Instances of rape (including date rape) are much, much higher if the girl/woman has had anything to drink, or any kind of recreational drug. And I think this isn’t talked about enough (although I know Dr. Rayne has referred to this correlation in the past). When you’ve had even one drink, your inhibitions lower and your natural caution goes by the wayside.

Please, consider, on a first date or any situation where you are around people you don’t know well, don’t trust well, please just don’t drink or drug! Its a good enough reason not to. The benefits of the recreation just don’t measure up to the serious safety issues.

I remember when I was young, my junior high actually showed “Reefer Madness” as an anti-drug message in our 7th grade science class. It was hilarious! And one of the things that’s important to include when talking to young people about the dangers of drugs and alcohol is that it feels good! That’s why people do it, and that’s why people can get addicted. Same thing with sex. When adults want to create “danger” messages, if they don’t include the fact that it all feels good, if they are only trying to scare youngsters into abstaining, kids can feel lied to. The message rings false. I don’t want to do that.

When experimenting as a child, teen, and/or young adult, just keep these safety factors in mind, and see if you can make the decision to only drink and/or drug if you are in very safe surroundings with very safe people. If you are ever having blackouts (periods of time when you are drinking where you can’t remember what you were doing), then realize that is a prime indicator of potential alcoholism. If you have blackouts, its really best that you not drink at all.

I don’t want to come across as a prohibitionist. Although I don’t drink at all any more, and I don’t take recreational drugs anymore, I have come to realize that some people can do these things in moderation. Even some binge drinking doesn’t mean certain alcoholism. (I’m in somewhat of a minority in the AA crowd these days.)

But I also know the pain of rape, and the pain of guilt. I absolutely don’t mean to blame a victim if she was impaired by alcohol, and was then raped. The rape doesn’t come as a result of the alcohol; the blame belongs with the rapist. But, especially in cases of date rape, the lines get so fuzzy and prosecution is practically impossible. I really want women to take care of themselves, and avoid sexual assault, and refraining from the use of drugs and alcohol is a very good preventative measure.

What do you think?

(Written by guest blogger Wendy Harlowe.) 

First, again, please feel free to e-mail me privately at wendyharlowe@gmail.com if you don’t want to post comments here. I look forward to hearing from you. I’ve been gratified by the response to my first post, including comments and private e-mail correspondence. (Over the years I’ve worried about being too “in your face” with sexual issues, felt judged for having a lack of boundaries … part of what I think is important is for other survivors to know they can go on to have “normal” healthy sex lives, which I didn’t think possible for many years.)

Regards biology, know that I am not an academician on this topic (or any other topic, for that matter), but as the years go by I’ve thought about it more and more. There are two academic fields that cover this topic: sociobiology and evolutionary psychology. My interest is in human sexual behavior that can be explained through biology and evolution (the belief that animals act in ways to maximize the spread of their genes). And my thoughts are somewhat disjointed and inarticulated. I’ve never had an outlet for real discussion on this topic, and am very interested in your thoughts.

Some facts are obvious: the bodies of girls/women are best ready to have children in their mid-teens through their 20s. Our American/western culture has evolved to discourage childbearing until at least the age of 18/19, and encourages waiting longer than that. Women’s entry into the commercial workforce is hampered by childbearing and childrearing. This childbearing capacity is one of the factors for the disparity between the financial income of men and women.

Although sweeping generalities can always cause problems, the testosterone factor means that men are more hardwired for sex with multiple partners, and women are more hardwired to need protection (of course, I’m running into trouble right here, because the social structures have so much to do with this … if the village truly raised children, women wouldn’t need the individual protector that comes with monogamy).

Men are hardwired to be attracted to young women because they are more capable of healthy reproduction. There is no limit to the number of children one man can sire, but women are limited, physically. Men want monogamy because its the only way to ensure their progeny. Women have accepted monogamy because of the “protector” benefits it delivers. (I don’t believe that most people operate in this way because of conscious belief … I think the marriage/monogamy factor was consciously developed many, many years ago to ensure men’s lineage, linked with the development of Christianity and political power … I think today many people live very happily in monogamous marriages; I don’t think its wrong, I just don’t think its necessary for happiness and moral/ethical living.)

I do believe our human species is evolving. One hundred and fifty years ago, it was completely acceptable to own another human being. Slavery still exists today, but it is illegal and universally condemned. Although women still don’t have basic human freedoms in many parts of the world, human rights campaigns are seen as necessary, even while there is such a huge amount of work for them to do. (another digression … many people believe that pre-Christian nature religions created a far better world, less war, no patriarchy … I think that might be true in some times and in some places … I don’t think it is a given, but my jury is still out on that topic)

Because of this evolution, I do believe our species might be able to progress to the point of acting “above and beyond” those hard-wired biological “needs,” and there is a lot of evidence to signify this: women’s increased sexual assertiveness; faithful and monogamous men who stay with their partners far beyond said partner’s reproductive years; the trend among educated, more affluent couples to have fewer children … also the fact that the nerd/geek population is now more sexually attractive to women, rather than simply excellent physical specimens of the male gender, because success in our world is oftentimes so much more mental than physical.

But here’s what has gotten me thinking about more in recent years: I’ve played a small part in the child protective system, and seen what is so easy to judge … people having children with no thought to their ability to raise them … again and again … having children taken from them by the courts, and continuing on to bear more children. There is a horror to this, and yet … at some basic, instinctual level, we humans are breeders … and accepting that fact in some ways makes it easier to see, makes it more understandable, even if not forgivable. (well, I doubt in the big picture that there is anything unforgiveable, but I digress far too often in this meandering post …)

I suppose, also, that one’s spiritual / religious beliefs come into play here. Although I see Darwinism in human sexual behavior, I also believe in a Divine Spirit, a unifying oneness to us all. Wierdly, I fall into the intelligent design faction, although I certainly don’t want to be lumped in with those who oppose teaching evolution in the schools. Its just all interesting to me … could be seen as so anti-feminist, but over the years this instinctual male and female behavior does make sense at the instinctual level. I think as I have learned more about Buddhism, also, it becomes easier to observe and not be so emotionally attached to judgment.

What do you think? It’s clear to me that I’m not clear in my thinking, but I have been inspired by Chris Smithers’ ditty (” The whole thing works like clockwork over time”):

Origin of Species, by Chris Smithers (you can find him singing this on YouTube, wonderful melody)

Eve told Adam, snakes! I’ve had ‘em!
Let’s get outta here
We’ll raise our family someplace outta town
They left the garden just in time
With the landlord cussin’, right behind
They headed East and finally settled down
One thing led to another …
A bunch of sons, one killed his brother
They kicked him out with nothin’ but his clothes
But the human race survives
‘Cause the brothers all found wives
Where they came from ain’t nobody knows

Then came the Flood, go figure,
Just like New Orleans, only bigger
No one who couldn’t swim would make it through
The lucky ones were on a boat,
Think circus, then make it float
And hope nobody pulls the plug on you
How they fed that crowd is a mystery
It ain’t down in the history
It’s a cinch they didn’t live on cakes and jam
But lions don’t eat cabbage,
And in spite of that old adage
I’ve never seen one lie down with a lamb.

Charlie Darwin looked so far
Into the way things are
He caught aglimpse of God’s unfolding plan
God said “I’ll make some DNA,
They’ll use it any way they want
From paramecium right up to man
They’ll have sex, and mix up sections
Of their code; they’ll have mutations
The whole thing works like clockwork over time
I’ll just sit back in the shade
While everyone gets laid
That’s what I call intelligent design.”

Yes, you and your cat named Felix
Are both wrapped up in that double helix
It’s what we call intelligent design.

*********

But, let me make clear, I don’t believe in Adam and Eve! The whole snake bit in the bible is a thinly-veiled attack on women and feminine spirituality … the asp/snake was a sacred animal and image in the Goddess-worshiping cultures of pre-Christianity. But, I do enjoy the song. Gawd sitting back in the shade, while everyone gets laid. Who can doubt that?!?

(Written by guest blogger Wendy Harlowe.) 

Dr. Rayne has kindly let me weigh in as a guest blogger for the few days while she is at the SXSW Interactive conference; she knows one of my favorite topics in life is sex! I think this blog is playing a crucial role in the needed discussion of adolescent sexuality in the repressive context of our “abstinence-only” government propoganda. I’ll be posting today, Monday and Tuesday. Today, I’ll let you know a little bit about me and my perspective on sexuality in general. Monday I’ll write a bit about human sexuality from a biological evolutionary perspective, not something I’ve seen much about. Tuesday, I’ll write about substance abuse as relates to sexuality. Of course, I’d love to hear from you, and look forward to this continuing conversation. You may e-mail me privately at WendyHarlowe@gmail.com, or of course, simply comment here on the blog.

So, first off, Wendy Harlowe is a pseudonym. I can be much freer in discussing sexuality this way. I’m an “outlier” in this arena. You know what an outlier is? Statistically speaking, its someone outside the norm, someone on the charts far outside where most people fall. My history and experience are unusual, and my perspective is unusual in many ways. Does one follow the other? Perhaps, but not necessarily.

As regards adolescent sexuality, I had a lot of sex while an adolescent. I’ve had a lot of sex and sexual experiences as an adult as well. Briefly, here is some of what I’ve experienced: snatched by a pedophile at 9 yrs of age; burst out into sex, drugs and rock’n'roll at age 13; was gang raped by the bikers I was hanging around with at age 17; had lots of sex with lots of people in my teens, 20s and 30s, started slowing down in my 40s; worked in the sex trade in my teens — strip joints, porn theaters, prostitution; lived as a lesbian for about 7 years, late teens and early 20s; really enjoyed a lot of computer sex in my 30s; am now happily married (third time’s the charm for me); am bisexual, but fairly invisible in that regard since I now live a middle class married life with children; contracted gonorrhea as a teenager (with the diagnoses of infertility as a result — although after 22 years of using no birth control, I did become pregnant at the age of 38!); contracted herpes in my early 20s, still live with it; sobered up as a member of AA when I was 21 yrs old, so I only hit the alcohol and drugs heavily for 8 years.

This I believe regards sexuality: that so much of what is taken for truth isn’t; that monogamy and marriage originated as tools to promote patriarchy — to ensure that men know their progeny, can “own” and control their families; that there exists an unfair double standard that heaps blame and shame and negative social repercussions upon girls and women who are free with their sexuality; that religion and religious beliefs far too often reinforce the institutions of marriage and monogamy; that it is entirely OKAY to tryst with another person simply for the pleasure of the shared sexuality; that sex can be enjoyed in its fullness without expectations, without promises, without a future between the consenting participants; that honesty is the way to go; that there is an exquisite balance between selfishness and giving to the other in sexual encounters, and that this balance cannot be achieved at all times; that girls and women too often forgo their own sexual pleasure out of fear and timidity and the unexamined belief that they need to be nice; that sex isn’t talked about near enough; that one can deeply love more than one person at a time; that if one is in a long-term committed relationship, “extracurricular sexual activity” is not necessarily a betrayal of one’s partner; that the sexual drive is primal and exquisite and should be explored and enjoyed, not repressed and denied.; that our ideas about sexual morality are intertwined with our dysfunctional social strictures; that if we lived in a more child-friendly world, one wouldn’t necessarily need the monogamous/marriage institution in order to see our children raised well.

One of my favorite quotes: “… have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” — Ranier Maria Rilke

A question for you: what do you think about having multiple sexual partners? If we could get rid of the romantic notions that saturate our culture, that yearning for “the one” … the one who will make our life complete … could we enjoy our sexuality outside of a “long-term committed relationship”?

I am delighted to be attending SXSW Interactive starting tomorrow, Friday March 7th here in Austin. I intend to fully submerge myself in the rocketing pace of conversation, presentations, panels, and swag that is SXSW Interactive!

Among the really interesting events I will be taking part are the following:

• What Teens Want Online and On Their Phones
• Sexual Ethics, Interactivity, and Virtual Worlds,
• What Teens Want - In a Game
• Are You Smarter Than A Wired Teen?
• Some Serious Fun: Interactive Media for Children

I plan on returning (psychically, of course, since I won’t actually be leaving Austin for this one…) with lots of fabulous information and ideas I can bring to you here on my blog and in person through my classes and individual consulting.

So, in the meantime between now and Wednesday morning when I will re-emerge, I have a guest blogger to keep you busy and thinking. This particular guest blogger is different from my past guests, in both her personal experiences and perspectives. While I do not always see eye-to-eye with her about issues of sex, sexuality, or sex education, I do think it is important to listen and work to understand others’ perspectives on these issues. I hope you will find her stories engaging and her questions thought-provoking. I will be checking-in from time to time, and as always, please feel free to e-mail me with thoughts and questions.