Comments on: Does age difference matter?

By: Dorian Rinehart

Dorian Rinehart — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 06:51:15 +0000

Here’s a funny story about age difference. When I was parenting an adolescent, she dated someone I thought was too old for her (7 year difference I think - she was a teenager, he was in his twenties - very close to the age range in the teen who asked the question of Dr Rayne). I ‘allowed’ it to continue because I recognized that my job was not to ‘allow’ or ‘disallow’ but to support my daughter in making thoughtful long range decisions and life choices and that involves going along with things I don’t necessarily support. There were lots of things I didn’t like about the guy, but it was easy to sum up just by discussing the age issue. Then (after a few years) she broke up with him and she got involved with someone who was 15 years older than her and guess what? In spite of my discomfort with the age difference, this guy was wonderful, they were wonderful together, and they are still together and (I think) still wonderful together. So, I’m really grateful I didn’t make a HUGE deal about the age difference - it was obviously just a symbol of what the real problems were with the other guy.

By: Alice

Alice — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 18:06:49 +0000

My personal life anecdotes affirm your advice, Karen. My husband and I are 7 years apart and in our case it was no big deal because when we met we were 22 and 29, but regardless of the age I would have been better off with him than with my ex-boyfriend who was 21 when I was 20, and I would have been WAY better off if I had listened to my best friend’s opinion.

By: karenrayne

karenrayne — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 13:54:26 +0000

Hi Barb, I completely agree that there are times and people for whom an age difference works just fine - that’s why I didn’t caution her to forget the prospect all together. I do think it’s important to look for other’s approval of a boyfriend - especially when there’s something potentially problematic like a large age spread. It just re-affirms the appropriateness of the match. I’m so glad that your daughter has you for support in her romantic and sexual life. I’m sure it provides her with improved decision-making and readies her for healthy, life-long sexuality. Karen

By: Barb

Barb — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 13:34:14 +0000

I think you gave great advice to the girl and I agree it’s sad the Mom doesn’t want to get involved. That being said I think that alot of girls mature faster than boys do. My now 16 yr old dates the 20 yr old friend of my oldest daughter’s boyfriend. They are happy and I love him like a son, so in my case it works, at least for me. Barb