Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

I recently spoke with Nancy Bruno. Bruno’s new book, Beautiful Women, is now available. Beautiful Women is a book of photos of 35 beautiful women, ages 3 through 90. In addition to the pictures, there is a story snap-shot of each woman and how she got to where she is.

Here is my conversation with Bruno:

Karen: Nancy, thank you for taking the time to talk with me.

Nancy: I was so excited when I realized I was going to get the chance to actually talk with you! I prefer talking to computer communication.

K: First, can you tell me a little bit about your experience with the book?

N: When I started looking for the 35 women, they were all strangers. A few of them I had an acquaintance with, but I didn’t really know-them know-them. So people would say, “Well, what are you looking for.” And I would say, “Someone who just shines when you think about them.” And people would say, “Oh, I know exactly who you need to meet.”

It was an amazing experience. I found that I was able to spend enough time with each of them that by the time the camera came out, they were able to ignore the camera. They were just going on with their life, and that is really what I wanted to capture – these people just being themselves.

The way these women have lived their experiences, have dealt with their experiences, that is what makes them beautiful. And the thing with the teens is that we get so caught up, that we ignore the beauty right next to us. And we forget that it’s right there, on each side of us.

And I love Ms. Elizabeth [a teenager in Beautiful Women]. She is someone who always thought of herself one way [as smart], but not the other [as beautiful]. And she is just beginning to be able to see herself as beautiful, to incorporate that into her identity.

K: Last week I wrote about the Dove Self Esteem Campaign, and you commented briefly on my post. Can you elaborate on that comment? What do you really think about the Dove campaign?

N: I have a couple of thoughts on the Dove campaign. The first thought is that I like what they did when they first started. I remember the very first time I saw the Dove campaign: there were five women lined up, who looked like regular women. And I was so proud of Dove – not for running it, but for standing up for all of the criticism they got for running it. People said, “Why would I want to look at fat people when I could look at beautiful skinny people?” Dove didn’t back down, and I give them so much credit for that, that they started something positive.

What I do agree with is something that you wrote, is that you look at the girls on the Dove campaign’s website, and they are all fresh-faced, and they have that “look” to them. And I’ve taken a lot of time to think about this. Dove is in the business of selling hair products and soap and all that, and I think they are doing the best they can within the boundaries of what they need to accomplish as a company. I thing what the Dove campaign is doing is very, very positive. Within the parameters that they have to work in.

Now, will they stand by it? I have never seen any money from the Dove campaign actually help in the community. I see interactive tools, but no real action. So I think they are doing good things, within their restrictions as a company. And I do think it’s good that they have regular people in their ads, and that they have encouraged other companies to do the same.

K: Your book is named Beautiful Women. But most teenage girls these days are more focused on sexy than on beautiful. What do you see as the difference between sexy and beautiful?

N: What do you mean by teenager here? Are you saying like 13 through 18? Or up into the 20’s?

K: I mean actual teenagers, the 13 through 19 year-old crowd.

N: I’ll be really honest with you, from 13 to probably 17, I wouldn’t want them to be considered sexy. A 13 year-old is still a child in so many ways. And I don’t know if they are able to understand what that concept is – sexy. A 13 year old is still a kid in so many ways. And only through reading magazines and watching music videos is a 13 year-old able to understand what sexy is. It really is after 17 that wanting to be sexy really becomes real.

And that’s why I’m glad I have boys, to be very honest with you. In so many ways, I am so traditional. A 13-year-old would still be my little girl, and I wouldn’t want them to be sexy. Because “sexy” would still be something on their mind, and as their mom, I would want to really slow that down until they were able to take responsibility for what “sexy” really means. But still not denying their sexuality, and I think sexy and sexuality are two different things.

But to answer your question, the people I have seen who are sexy, are beautiful first. It’s not clothes, it’s not how their hair is done, it’s not overt, and it’s not a played-up or a role-model sexuality. It’s just who they are as human beings.

K: Thanks so much for talking with me today, Nancy. Now that Beautiful Women is out, what’s next on your plate?

N: My next book is about 35 men. It was a totally different experience making it, and really wonderful in its own way. It will be out in time for Father’s Day this year.

K: I look forward to seeing it, Nancy!

Yesterday I spoke to a group of therapists at a residential treatment center for teenagers with substance abuse issues, the Phoenix House.

One of the teenagers who was doing really well in the program gave me a tour of the facilities.  She told me, among other things, that most of the people were there voluntarily, but some were court ordered.

After my presentation about adolescent sexual development, the treatment providers and I talked about sexual abuse, and it’s prevalence among their young clientele.  One treatment provider suggested that sexual abuse might be as high as 70% among teenagers who end up there.  Others thought it was probably lower - maybe 45%.  Either way, these are very high percentages.

One of the reasons there seemed to be disagreement among the staff was because they said most boys do not want to admit to sexual abuse.  One therapist suggested that sexual abuse was “take it to your grave kind of stuff.”  Another suggested boys tended to gloss over any memory of sexual abuse - say it didn’t affect them, and so decide it’s not even worth talking about.

There were many intense topics discussed in our meeting.  (There were also lots of jokes - it’s hard not to laugh at the many unintended puns when you’re talking about sex.)  But this thing about boys glossing over sexual abuse has stayed with me through the night.  I’m glad to know there are good people at the Phoenix House and other places, trying to reach these boys and help them through the pain they have experienced.  So much of sexual abuse public awareness and counseling is focused on girls - we need to be sure and not forget about the boys.

I recently read - um, devoured - Deborah Davis’ new book, Not Like You.

What really struck me about Davis’ book was her portrayal of adolescent sexuality. (Let’s not all act too surprised at what I focused on, shall we?) Kayla, the protagonist, is a 15 year-old girl when the book begins. We are introduced to her in the bed of a pick-up truck, naked, with a boy named Hal:

“Right on schedule, the train whistle blew, Hal’s signal to roll on top of me. The train that crossed the trestle at 10:34 took about two and a half minutes to pass. Hal’s challenge was to start and finish within that amount of time.

Overhead, the train thundered past, and Hal squeezed his eyes shut. Closing my own, I tried to block out the grunting boy on top of me by imagining my favorite dog: black and white with a feathery tail.

<snip>

The last train cars rumbled by, and the dog vanished. Hal groaned, slumped against me, and quickly rolled away. In the dim light his face gleamed. ‘I made it,’ he panted. ‘A perfect night.’ “

Hal does not feature largely in Kayla’s story, but he leaves a permanent impression on Kayla of how boys will interact with her body, when given the chance. While having sex at the speed of a train may not be on the standard adolescent sex menu, the essence of the way Hal treats Kayla is standard. And so is Kayla’s reaction - she seems to have a dim understanding that this is not the kind of sexual interaction that she wants. But she is unable to stand up for something better, and anyway, believes that the sex will bring good things - like an invitation to Hal’s upcoming party. Unsurprisingly, it does not.

Later in the book, Kayla finds another young man - older than she is - and discovers that men can be sexually kind and gentle. Remy treats Kayla kindly, especially when compared to Hal. But he, too, in the end shows himself to be essentially self-centered and interested only in his own pleasures.

This book tells two cautionary tales to young women: Beware the cad (Hal), who is nothing more than a cad. But also beware the cad (Remy) who believes himself to be so much better than a cad.

There is an open question at the end of this book as to whether there are good, caring adolescent boys out there. This is the book’s one downfall - it does not present an image of good teenage boys. (Some of whom I know, and I feel absolutely certain that even more exist!)

Nevertheless, I like the book overall. It is an easy, engaging read. Davis has a good sense for real teenagers, the real people who hide beneath adolescent trappings in most portrayals of teenagers. A good additional perk is that Kayla’s sexual development brings up some very interesting questions about sexuality, and a novel format is a great way for young teenagers to grapple with these kinds of issues.

The news about a prostitution ring in Fort Worth, TX is making the rounds (the Fort Worth Star-Telegram and the Associated Press have articles). This case is garnering particular interest because those running the ring were teenagers. You can read more elsewhere on-line, but here’s the short version: Seven Fort Worth gang members were arrested in mid-January for prostituting at least five young girls (ages 12 - 16). The gang members threatened, beat-up, and sexually assaulted the girls to make them take part. The accused gang members ranged in age from 15 to 19, and included one girl. The Fort Worth police say that gang members’ interest in making money seems to be going up, and that this prostitution ring is just one example of that trend.

Forced prostitution is one of the most heinous crimes that we humans visit on each other. That teenagers, relatively young ones, were taking part in such unthinkable acts against their peers is a hallmark of how dramatically wrong our society has gone, particularly in the realms of sex and sexuality.

I am, at the moment, simply speechless.

This week seems to be shaping up to be all about knowing and teaching and learning right from wrong. That is to say, all about morality. What I have mentioned yet, though, that bears mentioning in this context, is how morality and teaching through example apply to parenting.

It is tempting, as a parent, to lecture to your teenagers about the right and wrong thing to do in this situation or that one. But then, as the parent, to completely ignore your own rules. Even though it may chafe, you need to start living by the rules you set for your teenager.

If you want your teenager treat friends, family, teachers, adults, etc. with absolute respect, then you have to make sure that you absolutely do the same. No exceptions.

If you want your teenager to refrain from smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, and doing drugs, then you have to do the same. No exceptions. Yes, even though it’s legal for you to do some of those things and not for your teenager.

If you want your teenager to be home by midnight, you need to be home by midnight. No exceptions.

If you want your teenager to go to school every day unless they have a fever or are vomiting, you need to go to work every day. Only the same exceptions.

If you don’t let your teenager go out with friends unless you’ve met them, make sure your family has the chance to meet your new friends before you go out with them.

Let your teenager know that you’re living by the same rules you set for him/her. Talk about why you think these rules are important.

Living by your teenager’s rules will have two important outcomes:

1. Your teenager will see you really think the rules are important, and will have a higher respect for them.
2. You will think very carefully about what rules you set before you set them. Your rules will probably be more appropriate and thoughtful as a result.

A couple of disclaimers:

1. You do not, of course, have to live according to changes in the rules because your teenager has had privileges removed. But it’s best if you do, because it will probably give you more time together, and spending time together is what will bring you closer to your teenager.
2. This mostly applies to older teenagers who can drive and fend for themselves - the 16 to 18 set, not the 13 to 15 set. But it’s good to start thinking about and planning for it even earlier!

Last week I wrote about born-again virgins and the Silver Ring Thing. One of the reasons I said I disliked this program was that it suggested to teenagers that vaginal intercourse is some Ultimate Act, and that it is really the only act that need be promised against.

Now, as a disclaimer, I suspect that the creators of the Silver Ring Thing never meant to encourage teenagers to have oral sex. I suspect it never even entered their minds that the teenagers who decided to be “abstinent” through their program would think it was still okay to have anal sex. But it probably should have.

A boyfriend I had in high school, before the Silver Ring Thing came to Austin, said to me, “No, no, I won’t have sex until I’m married. I’m Catholic. Want to go make out in the shower?”

So by the time the Silver Ring Thing came along, there was already precedent for teenagers mistaking virginity as abstaining exclusively from penile-vaginal intercourse. Nevertheless, they continued (and continue) to promote virginity without a nuanced discussion of sexuality. This continues the focus on penile-vaginal intercourse as the Ultimate Act, and therefore the only one that counts.

Teenagers can, and do, have nuanced discussions of sexuality among themselves. There is often talk-ad-nauseum about what Third Base means that Second Base doesn’t include. There are even really good sexuality education programs directed at teenagers that include nuanced discussions of human sexuality. I have even been really impressed with one conservative, religious mother’s musings about appropriate sexuality education.

So I’m disappointed that a program with the funding and the reach of the Silver Ring Thing doesn’t include a more nuanced discussion of the issues. Teenagers are capable of perceiving and discussing nuanced sexuality. So are adults from all walks of life. Why not the Silver Ring Thing too?

In my post on Monday, I wrote about teenagers and racial tensions.

I was nervous about this post for several reasons.

First, racial issues are touchy. As a white woman, I have a hard time writing and talking about race. I worry I always sound…lacking. But I think it’s important, even critical, to talk about race, so I push through my discomfort and do it anyway.  So I was grateful for the supportive comments.

Second, I used the word “moral.”  Here is what I said:

The teenagers’ actions in Jena, Louisiana typify how this deep passion and commitment can go terribly array if it is not respected and directed by a moral upbringing and by caring, present adults.

The word “moral” has some serious baggage to it these days. We tend to think of the conservative, religious right when we hear “moral.” So I feel the need to explain my use of the word, because I intend to claim it, own it, and use it.

I have recently been reading blogs and writings about adolescent sexuality written by those on the side of the conservative, religious right. I got started with Mrs. Y’s blog Stork! Stork!, which I like. I find Mrs. Y to be realistic, accepting, and loving in her approach to adolescent sexuality education. I have found many other blogs and writings which I don’t like because they are close-minded, anti-sexuality, and sexist.

What almost all of these blogs and writings from the right have in common is this word: moral. And I like it. I like the word. I like what it implies. And here is what I understand the word to mean:

moral–kind, appropriate, the correct distinction between right and wrong, truth, upright, honorable, goodness and correctness of behavior and action

These are all things that I think are good. And none of them directly pertain to the religious or political right any more than they do to the religious or political left. So help me define this word.

In the comments, provide examples of how morality applies to adolescents and to sexuality. What are your experiences with moral or immoral behavior? How do you help a child become a moral person? Or are children innately moral? I would love to see a discussion on this get going, because I think it’s one of the left’s downfalls that we don’t claim morality as an important value.

Dove has launched a major self-esteem campaign, aimed at reaching 5 million young women by 2010. I’ve posted two of the commercials created by this campaign (Evolution and Onslaught).

The goals of Dove’s campaign are good:

The Dove Self-Esteem Fund (DSEF) was established to raise the self-esteem of girls and young women to make them feel more beautiful and confident every day. The DSEF is part of the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty, a global effort designed to widen today’s stereotypical view of beauty. A global project, the Fund consists of a network of local country initiatives linked in strategy and direction by a global steering group. In each country, the DSEF supports a specific charitable organization to help foster self-esteem.

There are parts of the campaign that I really like, like the commercials. They also have a series called the Dove Reality Diaries. This is a series of videos and blog posts by four teenage girls about the issues they face - mostly focusing on body-image-related issues. These diary entries (written and video) are real and realistic.

I am, mostly, supportive of what Dove is trying to do here. I think these videos and diaries have the potential to really touch many parents and teenage girls. The on-line tools for parents and for teenagers are interesting, and has some good parts to it. (I do wonder about the “cool” factor of the site for teenagers. I mean, how many girls who actually have self-esteem issues go looking for a site that will help boost it?)

But I have one huge, major, ginormous issue with every bit of the website itself. There are no images of teenage girls who are not skinny, clear-skinned beauties. The pictures of mothers are generally of real women. So where are the real teenage girls? I’m not suggesting that the girls in the pictures aren’t actually real, or that their stories are not true. Only that they don’t match up with the majority of teenage girls or the majority of teenage girls’ stories.

(I mean, common. One of the girls in the Diaries site is trying to fend off her mother from making her get a nose job for graduation. Another just moved to further her modeling career, and is morning her loss of friends. A third spends a full hour doing her make-up before she leaves the house every single day. She agonizes over her friends’ boyfriends liking her more than them. While these are all true stories, they are not true for the majority of teenage girls.)

So I hope that Dove continues with it’s campaign. And I hope that, with time, they bring far more realism into their stories and images.

Dr. Karen Rayne presents a four-session class for parents on how to talk with children and teenagers more easily and effectively about issues of sex and sexuality.

Topics include: Current trends in adolescent sexuality, common assumptions about adolescent sexuality (right and wrong!), hopes vs. reality, and talking with your teenager (what to do, what not to do? )

Dates: February 10th, 17th, 24th, and March 2nd
Times: Sundays, 3:30 – 5:00
Place: Austin, Texas (in Oak Hill, 3 miles past the Y)

For more information:
Call Karen: 512-924-1814
E-mail Karen: karen.rayne@gmail.com
Read Karen’s Blog: www.karenrayne.com

Today is Martin Luther King Day. To honor the work that Dr. King and so many others have given their lives for, I would like to talk about the Jena Six.

This is an on-going story of racial tension in Jena, Louisiana. The short version that has received national attention began with black students asking permission to sit under a particular tree at the local high school. White students hung nooses from the tree. Black students beat up white students. The black students were arrested and charged, many say excessively. You can read the whole story on Wikipedia.

This little snip-it of a story is not, of course, isolated. For whatever reason, this part of the story has grabbed national attention, but actually exists within a complex web of racism among adults and teenagers in Jena. However, it is the teenagers who brought this undercurrent of local racism to the extreme.

Teenagers are in a place of developing who they are and what they believe. As they work to understand the morals of those around them, and how they relate to their own morals, teenagers often feel and express extreme passion. The teenagers’ actions in Jena, Louisiana typify how this deep passion and commitment can go terribly array if it is not respected and directed by a moral upbringing and by caring, present adults.

(I speak, of course, about the actions of all of the Jena teenagers who have been in the national news, not of those of one race or the other. The beatings and the nooses were both devastating, as I am sure were many smaller, less well-known actions from both sides.)

Many adults are not sure how to guide teenagers towards appropriate actions. Teenagers’ fierceness and passion can sometimes overwhelm the slower, more thoughtful process that adults tend to favor. Dr. King’s message is one way to talk with teenagers about appropriate actions in the face of the truly inappropriate.

Dr. King’s message was one of peace and love. His commitment to taking only appropriate actions while fighting the inappropriateness of others is astounding and has the potential to be deeply meaningful to teenagers.

Teenagers can have the tendency to get very, deeply upset about injustice. This is right, and as it should be. We should all be very, deeply upset about injustice. Nevertheless, teenagers need to be taught that one’s own conduct must continue to be just in the face of injustice. Saying something like this has the potential to be of great value:

In the fight for right, you must always be sure to be on the right side yourself. Others can and will learn more from you when you live and demonstrate the values you preach.

Teenagers can hear this message, and can lean to respond to injustice with dramatic acts of justice rather than dramatic acts of injustice.