Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

I’m actually, grudgingly, impressed. There are a fair number of US-based websites that provide good information about sex and sexuality to teenagers. What there is not is the plethora of organizations that provide actual services to teenagers (and younger children) like there is in England. (You can see my post from yesterday for more on the UK organizations.) So here’s what I found for US teens:

Advocates for Youth — Advocates for Youth is dedicated to creating programs and advocating for policies that help young people make informed and responsible decisions about their reproductive and sexual health. Advocates provides information, training, and strategic assistance to youth-serving organizations, policy makers, youth activists, and the media in the United States and the developing world. They also host a number of other good websites: Ambiente Joven (for Latino GLBTQ youth), My Sistahs (for young women of color), and Youth Resource (for all GLBTQ youth).

Campaign for Our Children, Teen Guide — Information about sex and sexuality for teenagers. Generally pretty good. Has a game called STD Defenders. I can’t play it, though, because I don’t have OS 9 on my Mac. They also have a PC version. I’d love to get a little review of this game, so if you play it, let me know what you think.

Families are Talking for young people — This is a website hosted by SEICUS (Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States), a really good organization. Here is how they describe the site: This is a starting place for teens to learn about sexuality issues. It’s about how to Talk About Sex…and to help yourself feel good and stay healthy. It’s about knowing your goals, learning how to achieve them and how to get there. It’s all about making and keeping choices true to yourself. Let’s talk about how to express yourself and take care of yourself, all of yourself. Sex? Yes, sex is something we need to talk about before we do something about it. These pages can help.

Go Ask Alice — Go Ask Alice! is the health question and answer Internet resource produced by the Alice!, Health Promotion Program at Columbia university - a division of Health Services at Columbia. It’s the question-and-answer service I like the most. I even link to it on my blogroll.

I Wanna Know — A website hosted by the American Social Health Association. Provides answers to your questions about teen sexual health and sexually transmitted diseases.

Just Say Yes — Just Say Yes is about having a positive attitude towards sexuality — gay, straight, bisexual, or whatever. It’s about saying “yes” to sex you do want, and “no” to sex you don’t. It says there’s nothing wrong with you if you decide to have sex, and nothing wrong with you if you decide not to. You have the right to make your own choices, and to have people respect them.

Planned Parenthood – The best-known organization around for providing sexuality-related health care services to the under-served, under-represented, and under-aged. Planned Parenthood health centers offer high-quality sexual and reproductive health care, including family planning, gynecological care, STI/STD testing and treatment, pregnancy testing, and abortion services. They also have a website specifically for teenagers called Teenwire.

Scarleteen — Sex ed for the real world — While we at Scarleteen do not hold to the notion that telling young adults to just go have sex is a better solution, we strongly feel that belying judgment and furnishing them with the facts they need to know REGARDLESS of whether or not they are sexually active readies them to learn to make their own choices, and that often unheard perspectives help develop their own systems of ethics and values when combined with the perspectives of peers, schools, parents, other mentors and their overall culture and communities. One cannot make a decision from a position of informed consent without actually being informed.

Sex, etc. — Sex, Etc. is an award-winning national magazine and Web site on sexual health that is written by teens, for teens. It is part of the Teen-to-Teen Sexuality Education project developed by Answer (formerly the Network for Family Life Education), a leading national organization dedicated to providing and promoting comprehensive sexuality education. Answer is part of the Center for Applied Psychology at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey.

Teen Drug Abuse — TeenDrugAbuse.us was created to help spread information about the teen drug abuse problems in the U.S. TeenDrugAbuse.us features content and articles that are intended to bring awareness to these issues.

So, there we go. Like I said at the beginning - we’re long on information, short on actual help or action. I look forward to the day when there is a general social acceptance of adolescent sexuality in the US, and when we’re able to address the young people who engage in sexuality appropriately and healthfully. Do you know of any other good organizations that should be included in this list?

There are many very cool resources about sex and sexuality for teenagers in the UK. I’ve spent some time this week surfing through them, and thought some of you might be interested as well. (I have a fair number of readers from England, but the Internet sides of these organizations are clearly available to everyone, regardless of local.)

Brook Advisory Centers — Putting Young People First — is the only national voluntary sector provider of free and confidential sexual health advice and services specifically for young people under 25. Brook is a registered charity, and has 40 years’ experience of providing professional advice through specially trained doctors, nurses, counselors, and outreach and information workers to over 200,000 young people each year.

bpas for young people — bpas supports reproductive choice by advocating and providing high quality, affordable services to prevent or end unwanted pregnancies with contraception or by abortion. bpas is now Britain’s largest single abortion provider and cares for almost 50,000 women with unwanted pregnancies each year, as well as providing emergency contraception, sterilisation and vasectomy.

ChildLine — Truly an amazing organization, one that will never, ever be duplicated in the US, regardless of the dire need. Here is their description: ChildLine is the UK’s free, 24-hour helpline for children in distress or danger. Trained volunteer counselors comfort, advise, and protect children and young people who may feel they have nowhere else to turn.

Education for Choice — Education For Choice is the only UK-based educational charity dedicated to enabling young people to make informed choices about pregnancy and abortion. Education For Choice’s work is focused on the word choice. Whilst we concentrate on the issue of abortion, as it is the issue that receives least attention, we believe that work with young people should value all pregnancy choices equally. Our ethos is that the best outcomes of unintended pregnancy occur when the woman involved has been able to make her own informed choice.

Family Planning Association (fpa) — FPA is the UK’s leading sexual health charity. Our purpose is to enable people in the UK to make informed choices about sex and to enjoy sexual health. (fpa provides services and information to teenagers as well as adults.)

Get Connected — Get Connected provides a free, confidential helpline that gives young people in difficult situations the support and information you need to decide what you want to happen next. It could be anything from a listening ear to somewhere safe to stay for the night.

like it is — likeitis gives young people access to information about all aspects of sex education and teenage life. Topics on the likeitis site include: teenage pregnancy, help and advice, periods, lovebugs (sexually transmitted infections), sex, peer pressure, sexuality, contraception, emergency contraception, and puberty.

London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard — We are a voluntary organization with charitable status. We have currently just two paid workers, and all volunteers identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual. This enables us to more fully understand the needs and situations of our callers. We are committed to discussing safer sex and the prevention of the spread of HIV and AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Whilst we never try to influence the decisions of our callers, we aim to make them aware of the wider implications and the issues facing them.

Needtoknow — Information portal for teenagers with an online magazine and signposting to other useful websites. Sections include health, relationships, money, travel and the law.

RU thinking — Sexwise is a helpline that offers free, confidential advice on sex, relationships and contraception. Anyone under 18 can call. It’s open from 7am to midnight, seven days a week.

There-4-Me — There4me is for you if you’re between 12-16 years old and are worried about something and need some help. We can help with loads of issues like abuse, bullying, exams, drugs and self harm. If there’s something bad that’s happening and you want to know what to do, you can talk to us and no one else has to know.

The Hideout — The Hideout provides help, information and support for children and young people – whether you’re currently living with violence, you’ve experienced violence in the past or if you know someone else going through it and you’re looking for help and information. We’ve included lots of information to explain what domestic violence is, how it affects you and where you can go for more help.

The Site — TheSite.org aims to be the first place all young adults turn to when they need support and guidance through life. We believe all young people have the capacity to make their own decisions and life choices, provided they have access to high quality, impartial information and advice. We don’t tell anyone how to lead their lives - we just believe everybody should have all the information they need to make their own decisions.

Young Minds — YoungMinds is the UK’s only national charity committed to improving the mental health and emotional well-being of all children and young people.

Well! If you’ve managed to read this far, I hope you are as impressed as I am. Thanks to the sites listed here (especially Brook), who listed each other, and that made organizing this list really quite easy! And so impressive! I hope to gather a list of similar resources for the US tomorrow. I’m afraid it won’t take near as much time, because our resources are so piddly!

Ah, the eternal question all middle school students whisper in the halls about. (Some high school students too, by the way.)

I know a young woman who had a rule that she could not go on dates until she was 16. So she did not have “boyfriends” but just “friends.” So she and her male friends (really, sometimes they were just friends) would do things together. But they were never called dates, they were never formalized in that way. And those outings would always include other friends as well. By the time this young woman was 16, she had had numerous boyfriends - at least 10. So the point is that a parental rule about dating rarely affects a young girl’s ability to be romantically involved.

So what is the point of a parental rule about dating then? To stop young people from spending time alone as a couple at the movies or a restaurant? To slow down a budding romance? To stop the couple from having sex?

I’m not really sure. And I don’t think there’s much point in a rule against dating. I don’t think it really accomplishes any of the things listed above. The only useful point I can think that a dating rule might accomplish is to stop a young couple from thinking of themselves as dating. This might slow a romance down. But not by much. And the costs in terms of the parental-child relationship by imposing such a rule far out weighs the potential benefits.

But what do you think? What are the potential benefits of a rule against dating? What are the potential downsides? Do you have such a rule for your teenager? How’s it working out for you? Did your parents have such a rule for you? How did it work out?  Perhaps an even bigger question: What does it mean to be “ready to start dating”?

Okay, so this is really, truly funny. I’m very impressed with the writing, the truthfulness, and the humor. of the ones I’ve watched so far, my favorite is #5 The First Time. It’s honest, it’s funny, it’s effective. I’d highly recommend it to teenagers. However, there are others that I’m not so fond of–like the most recent one, #10 Dating. This episode is all tongue-in-check, but for someone who doesn’t recognize that, it has some potentially hurtful images and suggestions.

But regardless of whether you recommend the show to your teenagers or not, you should watch them yourself. They give an opening into how teenagers talk about and joke about sex that has the potential to be eye-opening and enlightening.

They post new episodes twice a month.

Back when I was a teenager, oh those many years ago, each group of friends had one house where the parent(s) welcomed them in. The teenagers felt connected to those parents, they talked to those parents, they felt supported by those parents. Those parents had serious conversations with the teenagers, they gave serious advice, they gave serious information about and access to things like birth control. But they gave no judgment. Those parents were the ones who knew what was going on, both with their own children and all of their friends. They might not have approved of all of the teenagers’ choices, particularly regarding sexuality, but they were in a position to influence decisions, if not to make them.

Not much has changed since then.

You want to be that parent. Knowing what’s going on with your teenager and their friends has a far, far higher value than telling your teenager what to do. Because your teenager will do whatever she or he decides to do, regardless of what you say. Sometimes your teenager will actually do exactly what you don’t want, because of what you say. (Yes, that includes having sex.)

So endeavour to become that mom or that dad that welcomes teenagers into their homes. Here’s the three easy steps to becoming that home:

1. Feed them.
2. Listen to them.
3. Give them privacy.

And you’ll hear more and understand more than you ever thought possible.

What have you done to help your teenager and friends feel more comfortable at your home?  What did your parents (or your friends’ parents) do for you and your friends?  And what kind of impact did it have on you?

I have introduced several of my readers to the fabulous comic strip Zits about a 15-year-old boy and his family and friends. It’s a great strip. Now I’d like to introduce you to a lesser-known comic strip called Preteena (or PreTeena). It’s about a 10-year-old girl and her family and friends. What I like most about it is probably that it’s a funny strip that just happens to have young people as the focus. Recently Teena and her friend Stick have been talking about re-naming Thanksgiving to Givethanksing, because that makes more sense.

Here is today’s strip:

Happy Givethanksing, folks! I’ll be back on Monday.

Ah…those endless days at home or at your grandmother’s house, with no one but family in sight. If you’re not out of town, it doesn’t really matter, because everyone else is anyway… None of the family cares about the things you care about, and they all make it very obvious by ignoring you during Thanksgiving dinner. All the worser if you’re a teenager with a significant other significant enough for you to want to spend Thanksgiving Dinner with him or her instead of your family…but apparently not significant enough for your family to allow it. So. Typical.

Of course, if you’re on the other end of that experience, your once lovely and family-devoted child has suddenly decided that any other random family or friend is better than the ones at home who have showered time, attention, and love on him or her. Your child has suddenly developed a major attitude and, indecipherably, become a vegetarian last week and decided to lectured everyone in the family about the poultry industry over the turnkey Thanksgiving dinner… And suddenly you think that foisting the kid off to some other unsuspecting family might not have been such a bad idea after all…

So what to do? Several Holiday with Teenagers Survival Hints:

1. Remember that teenagers’ connections with their friends and sweethearts is very, very important, even during family holidays. Consider letting them spend time with whoever is around, particularly a boyfriend or girlfriend, so long as they don’t completely neglect their own family. Everyone will be happier.
2. Also remember that teenager’s convictions are very, very important, especially when they sense that someone is being dismissive of them. So if you think that your teenager has a value that might be challenged by the holidays, talk about it with them before hand. Together, come up with a plan of when and how to talk about it with the rest of the family. Give credence to your kid’s values (even if you think they will be short lived), and then make sure that the rest of the family does as well.
3. Breathe deeply. These teen years are short and passionate. Enjoy them for what they are. As with the sweetnesses and horrors of toddlerhood, they too will pass.

Happy Monday, folks!  I had a lovely weekend, and hope everyone else did too.  Last week, I wrote about the primary concern of the teenage years to be rule-free by the time senior year roles around.  On Thursday I wrote about the general outlines of what a no-rules policy means.  On Friday I wrote about two-way respect, and how you’ve got to have it for a no-rules policy to work.  Today I want to talk about how parental guidance and influence happens in a no-rules situation.

First, realize that having a no-rules policy does not in any way imply a no-conversation policy.  You’re sharing a house, you need to talk - both about logistics and about your lives.  That’s what people who are in all kinds of relationships (friends, parent/child, family, etc.) do.

Second, realize that your children have already internalized and can speak very clearly to all of your values by the time they are teenagers.  So there’s very little need or usefulness in repeating or further reinforcing your values to your teenager.  It will only drive them away because they already know what your values are.  Now it’s your turn to listen and to hear your teenager’s process of finding his or her values (and sometimes there will be missteps in this process, but they will generally right themselves back onto a good path without you telling them to).

So you will listen to your teenager rather than telling your teenager what rules and regulations to follow.  You will ask him or her questions, encouraging critical thinking about social dynamics, life choices, and plans for the evening.  And then you’ll hear your teenager’s final decision.  This process actually works really, really well.  Often you have good points, and if you present them well within the context of a question, they will make an impact on your teenager.  Think a gentle version of the Socratic Method.  My Top Ten list for how to talk with teenagers about sex (or most other difficult issues) may also help.

But remember:  Your teenager will make mistakes.  Get used to the idea.  And then acknowledge that the teenage years are often a much easier time to make mistakes than young adulthood.  And remember that there are almost no missteps or mistakes that cannot be put right.  And you will be there, ready to support and help put right the mistakes your teenager makes - so she or he will not have to figure out how to put things right on their own, after they have already left home.  Showing your teenager how to make things right after a wrong is a major life lesson.  And it is a lesson that cannot be learned until mistakes and wrongs are made.

Yesterday I wrote that a main premise of the High School years should be to remove all parental rules by senior year.

Now, no one confronted me on this, as I rather expected them to, telling me it was a horrible idea. But it may have been the promise of today’s post that staved off the tirade!

There are two things about a no-rule situation for older teenagers:

1. It is combined with a two-way respect policy. You replace rules with mutual respect. (And remember, you do this slowly over the course of high school - it’s not a sudden thing the summer before senior year.)
2. Parent-teen conversations do not stop happening. You role has become that of adviser and supporter rather than organizer.

Today I will talk about the first of these two, and on Monday I’ll talk about the second.

Dorian mentioned in her comment yesterday about her daughter calling home (so her mother wouldn’t worry) and saying she wanted to stay out an hour longer than she had originally said - until 2am rather than 1am. Dorian mentioned the fact that the bars close at 2am, and there are many dangerous drivers on the road at that point, and asked that her daughter find a place to be for the night and just stay there - where ever there might be. So Dorian’s daughter brought her friends that she was hanging out with home. Everyone was off the roads by 2am, when the bar closed.

What happened here is that everyone felt safe and respected and like they made good choices. The daughter respected her mother’s time and worry, and so called when plans changed. The mother respected her daughter’s choice to be with friends, but acted as an adviser, and presented a good, safety-related reason for the daughter to make a different choice in her plans for the evening.

Now, remember, this kind of relationship can’t happen over night. Responsibility and mutual respect must be built over years of slowly removing parental regulation. Here are some areas where parental control can be removed over the first three years of high school:

• bed time
• homework
• dating
• who their friends are
• extra-curricular activities

Now, it will probably take you some biting your tongue and sitting on your hands when you first start giving over control to your teenager. They’ll go to bed too late and be tired the next day. They’ll miss some homework assignments and get a lower grade in a class. They’ll date someone you don’t like. They’ll be friends with someone who will take advantage of their friendship. They’ll stop taking piano or playing basketball, when you thought that was an important part of their lives.

But these are all mistakes that we all have to make ourselves in order to understand them. It’s no good your mother telling you that you’ll be tired the next day if you aren’t asleep by 10pm. You actually have to experience it. And most of us have days when we decide that it’s worth being tired the next day in order to do whatever it is we’re doing the night before. Learning that balance of enough sleep in high school is far better than learning it when most people do: in college.

And here is what so much of this comes down to: these mistakes are easier to correct and actions have lesser repercussions when a young person is in high school. And you, their parent, are still there to listen and to watch, and then to advise. We’ll talk more about that part of this crazy no-rules theory on Monday in part 3.

I talk with parents all the time who are concerned about what kinds of rules, or punishments, or curfews, or whatever, they should be instituting at home. For the most part, it is parents of older teens who are asking these kinds of questions. I find this highly telling. Parents of younger teens generally feel pretty comfortable with their rule systems. But as teenagers age, the systems loose their relevancy.

I remind these parents that in a short time, perhaps a year or two, these same young people will often be completely on their own. They’ll be living in a dorm or an apartment somewhere, making entirely their own decisions about when they come home and when they wake up and what they eat and whether they study.

In response, parents often give me the eternal wail: “I know, but…!!!” And those “buts” can go on for some time.

Nevertheless, we’re talking 12, 18 months here for Juniors and Seniors in High School. That’s not much time.

So should you just remove all of her rules? Let him fall on his face? Surely that can’t be good parenting.

Ah, but it is. In fact, it’s the best possible kind of parenting an older adolescent can get. Your goal during all of the high school years is to be moving consciously and deliberately towards a senior year with no rules. That means no curfew, no enforced homework hour, no dictates about which parties or which friends. That even means no rules about your teenager not having sex. Your teenager must be allowed to make the kinds of mistakes he or she will inevitably make when you are still nearby to help pick up the pieces.

Can that be scary? Yes. Terrifying? Absolutely.

Does this mean that your house becomes the local party house, with no parental input about drugs, alcohol, or sex? No. Absolutely not.

Tomorrow: How to balance the scales, so the lack of rules for your teenager doesn’t become a lack of respect for you.