Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

You may have noticed over the past few years that sexy Halloween costumes are becoming more and more popular with younger and younger girls. Do a Google search for sexy Halloween costume and you get close to 2 million hits - and that’s with the safe search on! And yes, it really is as bad as it sounds. This is from a Washington Post article from yesterday:

Gabby Cirenza wanted to be a referee for Halloween. The outfit she liked had a micro-mini black skirt and a form-fitting black and white-striped spandex top held together with black laces running up the flesh-exposing sides. She looked admiringly at the thigh-high black go-go boots that could be bought as an accessory. And she thought the little bunny on the chest was cute.

“Absolutely not,” said her mother, Cheryl. “That is so not happening.”

Gabby is 11.

……..

Gabby eyed the Sexy Super Girl but decided against it. A friend at her Catholic school had worn that costume for a Halloween parade and pulled the already short miniskirt way up to cover her tummy. “That didn’t look very good.” But Gabby did like the Aqua Fairy, a vampy get-up with a black ripped-up skirt, black fishnet tights and blue bustier that comes in medium, large and preteen. A medium fits a child of 8.

No.

How about the Funky Punk Pirate Pre-Teen, with an off-the-shoulder blouse and bare midriff?

No.

So what, as a parent, to do about this trend? It depends, as does everything really, on your daughter. How old is she?

An 8 year old or an 11 year old you say no to. More to the point, you scout out the stores ahead of time, and only take them places that are selling costumes you would allow them to wear. Why even have that argument when you can avoid it completely?

But what about the older girls, who already know what they want to be for Halloween: sexy! Well, here are a couple of ideas.

1. Try making her costume yourself - at least you can make the hem line fall to within sight of her knee and the top large enough for a bra to fit under.
2. Have your daughter make her own costume. The costume patterns you can buy at fabric stores cover far more skin than the pre-made costumes you can buy in most stores.
3. Try to get your daughter involved with organizing or facilitating a Halloween party for younger children. (Halloween, after all, is really more for children.)
4. Maybe there are some neighborhood kids or younger family members she can walk around with for the night. That way, she can get the Trick-or-Treat candy, and potentially get paid for babysitting as well! (And aren’t you willing to spend a few bucks to keep her in a child-appropriate costume?)

But mostly, I would suggest that if she really, really wants a sexy Halloween costume, you should sit with her, away from the stores and craziness, and ask her why. What does she see as the benefits of the sexy Halloween costume? (Be sure to use the word “sexy.” Nothing makes something less appealing quicker than a parent calling it “sexy.”)

As with all conversations like this, you need to give her lots of time to talk. If she’s not saying anything to answer your question, just keep quiet and keep looking at her. Eventually, she’ll start talking out of embarrassment. (Just be sure it isn’t you who ends up talking out of embarrassment!) Then really listen to what she says and be open to seeing her point of view, rather than making her see yours. Try to get under her skin and feel what she feels about this sometimes very emotional topic. See if you can find out what it is that she’s hoping to get with a sexy costume.

After you’ve listened and really felt and understood her point of view, start using your imagination. Hopefully the two of you will be able to find a mutually agreed upon Halloween costume that you can both live with.

Be clear - this is not necessarily a solution that you like. But it’s one you can live with.

What are your experiences with your children and Halloween costumes? Do they want sexy ones? How have you dealt with that?

I happen to live with a city planner. Among other things, this means that my professional books (Reviving Ophelia, Reaching Up For Manhood, You Look Too Young to be a Mom) are interspersed with his professional books (Toward the Livable City and An Ecological History of Agriculture, 10,000 B.C. - A.D. 10,000). Fascinating stuff, all around, isn’t it?

A few days ago, I was idly flipping through one of his books, and found something that was surprisingly interesting and relevant to this blog. The book is called The Preindustrial City: Past and Present, by Gideon Sjoberg, and the version that we have was printed in 1960. The version on Amazon was printed in 1965.

Here is what struck me as interesting:

This early matrimony, of course, obviates any “youth culture” - such a conspicuous part of the industrial-urban scene, where the rapid social change brings about a hiatus in the outlook of contiguous generations.

So Mr. Sjoberg is suggesting that there is a correlation between later marriage and intergenerational conflict. When young people are given time between childhood (pre-puberty) and adulthood (i.e., marriage) is when they formulate ideas and values that are in conflict with their parents’ ideas and values. Very interesting!

I have been hearing whispers here and there from the extremes of the abstinence-only movement and the more extreme Muslim movements that it might be a good idea to return to marriages at the time of puberty to prevent out-of-wedlock sexual behaviors. While I don’t think that many people would agree with that sentiment, it would certainly go far in preventing adolescent extra-marital sexual behaviors.

What these relative extremists are accepting is what many of the main-line members of these organizations and much of adult American society rejects: the notion that teenagers want to have sex, and will generally find a way to do so. Given the existence of adolescent sexuality as a baseline, the early-marriage proponents are simply looking to find a way to make it acceptable. That is, having it occur within the context of marriage.

But that’s just not a good solution. The issues of power and gender inherent in early, arranged marriages are huge, and not worth the pay-off (of no extra-marital sex).

This reality of adolescent sexuality can only be appropriately addressed once everyone, including parents, accepts the reality that teenagers, even their children, are sexual beings, and that most of them will act on those sexual desires before they turn 20.

The solution is to stop ignoring adolescent sexuality and to start teaching them to make good choices about their sexuality.

If you’re looking for someone to teach your teenager about sexuality, or to guide you in teaching your teenager about sexuality, e-mail me. Sexuality education isn’t something that should be left to chance or to the schools. Parents and families need to take ownership of it.

As I was leaving on Friday, I wrote briskly about Genarlow Wilson and the illegality of teenagers having sex with teenagers. I want to address the second issue more completely now.

We legalize so much of human action. Now don’t get me wrong, I am no libertarian. I do not want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water. At least some of those legal opinions are good and justified.

However, far too much of telling this person or that person what they can or cannot do is about our personal, intimate, sexual lives. And even more of it targets the choices and actions of young people. And then, to top it all off, there are the legal opinions about the personal, intimate, sexual lives of young people.

So tell me again why it is illegal for two 15-year-olds to have sex with each other? What on earth is the justification for that? I have to admit, I just don’t get it.

The only thing I can think is that it comes from a moralizing, religious perspective that infantilizes teenagers and dictates a moral code that puts marriage and marital sex on an unwarranted pedestal. I think both of those positions are poorly thought through and damaging to young people’s healthy, long-term sexual development.

Please take note, this is not to say that I think it is necessarily a good choice for two 15-year-olds to have sex with each other. I’m just saying a poor sexual choice by a young person should not be illegal. And the fact that old, white, male elected officials think they should know about and control young people’s sexual choices puts a bad taste in my mouth. Honestly, that sounds much closer to something that should be illegal (like pedophilia) than young people lusting after each other.

Teenagers having sex is really a family and a community issue. And it’s something that, I’ll be honest, I think is a critical developmental milestone. We are trying to help our young people prepare for adulthood. And part of adulthood is having responsible sex. So teenagers need to prepare for having responsible sex. Sometimes that means they will need information. Sometimes that means they’ll have sex. But making that learning process illegal (teenage sexuality laws) or unavailable (abstinence-only-until-marriage education) are serious issues, and could have lingering negative influences for the young people’s remaining sexual lives.

I have written about Genarlow Wilson before. He’s the young Georgia man who was sentenced to 10 years without parole for having consensual oral sex at age 17 with a 15 year old. The Wikipedia page on Wilson tells his story in its entirety. Before I enumerate and lambaste the issues in this case, I want to make very clear that I am so pleased that the Georgia Supreme Court today announced that this sentence was cruel and unusual. Wilson is expected to be released from prison today. Consensual sex between young people should not be a crime.

Nevertheless, today I am outraged.

First, there appear to be outstanding issues about Wilson’s interactions with an unconscious 17 year old girl at the same party. The same video that was used to convict Wilson for having consensual oral sex with the 15 year old shows Wilson having sexual intercourse with an unconscious 17 year old. But I talked all about that back in June.

The real issue from today is this change in the law that Wilson has benefited from. The change means that the conviction of sex between minors is no longer a felony, but is now a misdemeanor.

Outrageous! Sex between minors has no business being a crime! Teenagers have sex. It should not be a crime. Our society is so over-the-top concerned with teenagers and sex, so over-sexualizing and yet so concerned with controlling their sexual choices. I am so exhausted by all of this! What on earth business does the George Supreme Court have telling 15, 16, and 17 year olds that they can’t have sex? That’s private business.

Good morning, folks, and TGIF! I’m all worn out from the week, so I’ll let Mr. Scott and Mr. Borgman do the heavy-lifting for me.

Yesterday’s Zits strip (8/25/07) was a great example of a parent sharing too much personal information - and a legitimate response from their teenager. While in this example is about body hair, the same thing applies for sex and sexuality. Let’s just put it this way: teenagers generally think their parent’s intimate body hair and sexual engagements are about equal amounts of gross.

This is a fabulous organization: Sistas on the Rise. Here is what they say about themselves:

Sistas on the Rise is a space for young women of color ages 13-21, to take ownership and power over their lives and create a healthy community. We acknowledge that young women of color need a safe space to develop their leadership skills, socio-political analysis and organize without being marginalized. We realize that many young women who became pregnant drop-out of existing youth programs because they do not receive the support necessary for their continued participation.

One of our goals is to build sisterhood among young women who have children and those who do not. Sistas on the Rise is a space where young mothers and women of color raise consciousness, build sisterhood and take action for social change.

We provide workshops, activities and trips that develop leadership skills and teach our young women to be critical and active members in the community.

How can you get a better organization than that? I am so pleased that teenagers and young adults are coming together and taking responsibility for themselves and integrating themselves into the community. Because it seems like such a far-off day when most adults are able to take that first step towards truly intergenerational acceptance, I am glad to see that young women are engaging.

I wonder if there are other branches of this organization outside of NYC?

What other organizations do you know of that are run primarily by young women for young women?

Several weeks ago I wrote about what boys need to know about masturbation. One reader took exception to my statement that: “Lotion is a good idea, get yourself some or ask a parent to get you some.” Here is what he had to say:

I want to commend you for writing such an affirming piece about young men and the practice of masturbation. Our own medical community had warned that masturbation was unhealthy until the Twentieth century. There remains a stigma in our culture about masturbation today. There needs to be more information such as your entry giving an affirming message about masturbation.

Having said that I want to respectfully disagree with your recommendation of lotion for masturbation. Lotion is made to make dry skin feel moisturized. Lotion is not intended as a lubricant. Some lotions have alcohol and some of them have a very high alcohol content. Some lotions are scented and the scent left after a masturbation session may not be a scent that the user wants to linger after the session.

There are many materials that are suitable lubricants for men to use to enhance masturbating. I’ll start with mentioning the basic Astroglide water based lubricant. Astroglide also has warming and other options but those options are not necessary. The basic Astroglide liquid can be found at Walgreens, CVS, and Rite Aid.

There is a KY Liquid product that is as the name suggests a liquid that provides a water based lubricant that gives good results. The KY Liquid can often be found at stores such as Walgreens, CVS, and Rite Aid.

Target stores have a Target brand that is a water based lubricant. A consumer should look for the liquid. There is a gel in a tube but that gel is not nearly the lubricant that the liquid is.

Thanks for the clarification, and the information about resources!

I have just begun to volunteer with my church’s youth group (high school age). We’re a new-ish church, and the youth group is quite small - only three kids, really, and they aren’t terribly close. So we’re trying to engage new youth, to do community-forming activities, and to draw the youth and the adult members of the church closer.

This weekend, I was on a retreat with the women of the church. We got to talking about the youth, and the women of the church expressed how much they wanted the youth group to grow and to engage with the adults. I replied by saying how wonderful that would be, and started giving some ideas about how she could start that process. She seemed surprised, and countered with ideas about how the youth could start that process.

The problem here is that teenagers, including church youth, often feel ostracised by the adults around them, whether that is the intention of the adults or not. So teenagers don’t tend to reach out. They can’t be the ones expected to start the relationship. Adults have to be the ones. They have to prove that they want the teenagers around before teenagers are willing to take part.

So at church this Sunday, or at school, or in your neighborhood, or wherever you go where teenagers also tread, remember that you have to be the one to go up to the teenagers and start the conversation. Take that responsibility! Claim it as yours!

Then come back and let us know how it went, engaging with teenagers you don’t yet know.

There’s lots of talk about how racy or sex-filled television shows are likely to increase sexual activity among teenagers.

But the study linked above, and much of the rest of the talk on this topic, don’t really talk about teenagers - they talk more about pre-teenagers, or early teens. As a teenager I didn’t really have the time to spend watching television - I was much too busy engaging in life and with my friends and yes, with my boyfriends, to spend my limited hours watching someone else engage in life! But as a preteen, and as an older child, I spent plenty of hours watching television - much of it about teenagers and their social and sexual lives. (Saved By The Bell anyone?)

The point is that there is far too much talk about teenagers watching sexy television, and far too little talk about older children and preteens watching sexy television. Those earlier images are the ones that can really paint a person’s permanent picture of sexuality and have serious long-term impacts on relationship skills.

What do you think? Did you watch much television in your older childhood or preteen or teenage years? How do you think it affected your sexual choices at the time or later in life?

And what about your children and teenagers? How much do you monitor their television for sexual content, and what impact do you hope that monitoring (or lack of it) will do for them?

The school board in Portland, Maine has voted to allow prescription birth control to be distributed in the Middle School Health Center without parental permission or notification. Parents will need to give permission for their children to access the Health Center Services, but will not be informed of what services they receive there. In addition to birth control, the Center provides immunizations and a number of other general health services.

Bravo to them!

From the Times article:

“It has been shown, over and over again, that this does not increase sexual activity,” said Pat Patterson, the medical director of School-Based Health Centers.

Reaction was mixed.

“This is really a violation of parents’ rights,” Peter Doyle, a Portland resident, told the committee. “If there were a constitutional challenge, you guys would be at risk of a lawsuit.”

Others argued for approval.

“Not every child is getting the guidance needed to keep them safe,” said Richard Veilleux, who said his child attends King Middle School. “This is about giving kids who are sexually active the tools that they need.”

I am so delighted to see that these adults are taking responsibility for educating our young people and working to keep them sexually healthy, even though they may not agree with the young people’s sexual choices.

Too many parts of our society seem to be bent on punishing, rather than educating, young people who engage in sexual activity. Sometimes they do this through omission of facts and information and health care services, and other times they do this through lies and verbal abuse, moral and religious holier-than-thou lecturing.

Recently, Amanda Marcotte of RH Reality Check wrote a very insightful, moving piece on this very topic called “Of Sluts and Punishment.” She talks about how we seem to be in this never-never land of accepting “punishment” in the form of pregnancy, STIs, and cancer, for sexual activity, or rather being a “slut.” She goes on, in top from, to say:

With all this interest in sluts and the punishing of them, definitional issues are bound to arise. What exactly is a “slut?” What is “promiscuity?” Karen Malec might define a slut as someone who gets married after the end of her adolescence, but most people would have a more lenient definition of that. Is every woman who has an abortion a slut? What if she’s married and has three kids already? Are you a slut if you have premarital sex at all, or just with a certain number of guys? These are not idle questions–if one is advocating the idea that sluts get punished by law, custom, or cosmic justice, it’s important to know what a “slut” even is. Only some breast cancer and depression can be traced to prior sluttiness, after all. You have to have a measuring stick to determine who deserved to die of cervical cancer and whose case of HPV was just a case of bad luck.

……………………….

Or consider this fascinating blog entry from Debbie Schussel, where she declares lower back tattoos on women to be “tramp stamps”, writing, “But, as I’ve written, a woman who doesn’t take long to agree to repeatedly put a needle in her body, generally doesn’t take long before she acquiesces to putting other things into her body.” I think she’s referring to the P-E-N-I-S, which brings up another question about evaluating sluttiness–we all know you get docked purity points for diversity, but what about frequency? If “other things” in the body is what measures the slut, it seems possible that a monogamous woman who has frequent sex with her husband might qualify as a slut, even if he’s the only man she’s ever slept with? Debbie is too busy snickering at sluts, who of course are always some other woman, to address this taxing definitional issue.

I highly recommend reading the entire piece.

So what do you think? Do you think that young people who have sex deserve some kind of cosmic or legal punishment? What about middle schoolers to receiving prescription birth control without specific parental consent? I think it is the right thing for people of any age to receive sexual health care without parental consent or notification. But I’d be interested in hearing the arguments from people who disagree with me.