Top Ten Things To Do Before You Have Sex: a list for teenagers

(Just to be clear, these are things to do before you have oral sex, sexual intercourse, or anything else that could get you pregnant or an STD.)

1. Have an orgasm.
Yes, before you start having sex, you should give yourself an orgasm. It’s important to know what feels good to you before you can show another person what feels good to you.

2. Know the other person’s sexual history.
And I don’t mean just vaginal intercourse for this one!

3. Know the other person’s STD status, as well as your own.
The only way to know this for sure is to be tested! And if you’re both virgins, well, you’re not going to be for long. You might as well get that scary first STD testing out of the way so you’ll know what to expect next time around.

4. Talk about exactly what STD protection and birth control you will be using.
These two issues go hand-in-hand (for heterosexual couples), and it is the domain of both parties to be intimately involved.

5. If you are part of a heterosexual couple, talk about what happens if the woman gets pregnant.
Here are a few options to talk about, in alphabetical order: abortion, adoption, raising the kid alone, raising the kid together. With the understanding that reality is different than the theoretical, make sure you’re both on the same theoretical page.

6. Have your best friend’s blessing.
We can rarely see someone we’re in love with clearly. It is often our best friends who can see our lovers and our potential lovers for who they really are. Listen to what your best friend has to say, and take it to heart. If it’s not what you wanted to hear, give it some time. Wait a month. A good relationship will be able to withstand another month before having sex. Then ask a different friend, and see what they have to say.

7. Meet your partner’s parents.
At the very least, make sure you know why you haven’t met your them. The best sex comes out of knowing someone well, and knowing someone’s family is an important part of knowing them. (Even if they’re really, really different from their family.)

8. Be comfortable being naked in front of each other.
You don’t actually have to strip down in broad daylight to make sure you’ve reached this milestone, but it sure helps!

9. Have condoms on hand.
Make sure they fit right, that they’re within the expiration date, and that they haven’t been exposed to extreme conditions (like the inside of a really hot car). Condoms should be part of any respectful sexual relationship. There need be no assumption of hook ups outside of the relationship, just an assumption of good sexual habits being made and kept.

10. Make sure that your partner has done all of these things too.
Part of a happy, healthy sexual encounter is taking care of everyone’s emotional needs and physical health. Both people need to pay attention to themselves and to their partner. That way each person has two people looking out for them. It’s just the best way to do things.

About Karen Rayne

Dr. Karen Rayne has been supporting parents and families since 2007 when she received her PhD in Educational Psychology. A specialist in child wellbeing, Dr. Rayne has spent much of her career supporting parents, teachers, and other adults who care for children and teenagers.


  1. I’d have to disagree with #1. I didn’t have an orgasm until many years after I started having sex, but I still had a grand time having sex. In fact, in some ways, I had a better time, because I was just enjoying the sensations… I wasn’t worrying about trying to achieve orgasm.

    Also, many women can’t masturbate to orgasm w/o a vibrator… some can’t unless it’s a really strong vibrator (like the Hitachi Magic Wand). However, obtaining a vibrator can be very difficult for teens.

    Orgasm isn’t the be all and end all of enjoyment of sex and telling teens that they shouldn’t have sex until they’ve had an orgasm sets not only an unreasonable prerequisite, but also a message that orgasm is the most important part of sexual pleasure.

  2. Have your best friend’s blessing.


  3. I think you’re missing the point, CableFlame. Yes, everything you said is true. But your experience was pretty far outside the norm. Many girls start having sex and just don’t get any physical pleasure out of it. They don’t really understand what physical pleasure is to them in their bodies. And that’s what #1 addresses. I do feel strongly that girls should know what physical pleasure is before having sex.

  4. I didn’t have an orgasm until many years after I started having sex, because I didn’t know what one was, I didn’t know how to get to one, I didn’t have “physical pleasure” from sex – I had physical touch which I had no idea how much I needed, craved, just to give me the sense that I was acceptable as a human being. So, I was pretty much at the mercy of any boy who wanted to fuck. The idea that I ‘should’ explore my own body and what it liked would have been revolutionary to me, I’m not even sure I could have heard it or believed it.

  5. […] Ten Things To Do Before You Have Sex: A list for teenagers This is actually an old post.  But I have had many requests for it again recently, and so thought it was worth bumping back up […]

Comments are closed.