Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

1. Listen. If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual choices, shut up and listen to them!

2. Be cool like a cucumber. Nothing surprises you. You gain your strength and your stability from the depths of the ocean. You are in the zone. You are the embodiment of zen. When listening to your teenager talking about sex, never get worked up. The minute you get worked up, they stop talking. So let them talk themselves out -whether that takes two minutes or two hours. Then leave. Then get worked up and yell and scream and rage and cry at someone not related to you.

3. Pleasure and Pain. You must talk about the pleasure sex can bring as well as the negative sides. And you have to let your teenager talk about it as well. Yes, that means you have to talk about orgasms and hear your teenager use terms like “feels good.” Teenagers know sex is at least partially about physical pleasure, so no worries. You won’t be telling them anything they don’t already know.

4. Listen. Once more, for the hard-of-hearing: If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual lives, shut up and listen to them!

5. It’s not about you. You must always keep the focus of the conversation on your teenager’s sex life (that is, that which has nothing at all to do with your own sex life). Teenagers feel like they are discovering sex. And in a way, they are. They’re discovering their own sexuality. By talking about other people’s sexual choices (yours, their older sibling’s, their friend’s, famous people’s, whoever), you are reminding them that they did not, in fact, invent sex. This is not the time for you to do that.

6. Bring it on! You must always be open and welcoming when your teenager shows any inclination to talking about his/her sex life. Even if you’re uncomfortable. Even if you feel like they’re making horrible choices. The time to bring up those reservations is at a later time, when your teenager isn’t opening up of their own volition and, more importantly, you have a bit more perspective and time to plan what you’re going to say.

7. Do something - anything - else. The conversation will be easier if you don’t have to look at each other. So, depending on your personal preferences and those of your teen, grab anything from your knitting to your golf clubs. Just get something (anything!) in front of your eyes and their eyes so you don’t have to look at each other’s eyes.

8. Listen. I just can’t make that word bold enough or say it enough times. For those who have already forgotten #s 1 and 4, I’ll repeat myself one last time: If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual choices, shut up and listen to them!

9. Ask questions. This is the only way you can violate rules #s 1, 4, and 8. This does not, however, give you permission to ask questions like “Was that really a good idea?” because that’s not really a question, but a statement of “That was not a good idea.” You may ask open-ended, non-judgmental questions like “Can you tell me more about that?” and “How did that make you feel?” Be sure your tone of voice is open and non-judgmental as well.

10. Sisyphus didn’t give up, and neither may you! That’s a picture of Sisyphus up at the top. He’s the guy the Gods punished by making him role a huge bolder up a hill for eternity. What you’re doing isn’t as hard as that, it just feels like it. These may be some of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have. Keep at it! If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.