Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

(And just to be clear, I’m talking about vaginal intercourse here, folks.)

1. Have an orgasm.
Yes, before you start having sex, you should give yourself an orgasm. It’s important to know what feels good to you.

2. Know the other person’s sexual history.
And I don’t mean just vaginal intercourse for this one!

3. Know the other person’s STI status, as well as your own.
The only way to know this for sure is to be tested! And if you’re both virgins, well, you’re not going to be for long. You might as well get that scary first STI testing out of the way so you’ll know what to expect next time around.

4. Talk about exactly what STI protection and birth control you will be using.
These two issues go hand-in-hand (for heterosexual couples), and it is the domain of both parties to be intimately involved.

5. If you are part of a heterosexual couple, talk about what happens if the woman gets pregnant.
Here are a few options to talk about, in alphabetical order: abortion, adoption, raising the kid alone, raising the kid together. With the understanding that reality is different than the theoretical, make sure you’re both on the same theoretical page.

6. Have your best friend’s blessing.
We can rarely see someone we’re in love with clearly. It is often our best friends who can see our lovers and our potential lovers for who they really are. Listen to what your best friend has to say, and take it to heart. If it’s not what you wanted to hear, give it some time. Wait a month. A good relationship will be able to withstand another month before having sex. Then ask a different friend, and see what they have to say.

7. Meet your partner’s parents.
At the very least, make sure you know why you haven’t met your them. The best sex comes out of knowing someone well, and knowing someone’s family is an important part of knowing them. (Even if they’re really, really different from their family.)

8. Be comfortable being naked in front of each other.
You don’t actually have to strip down in broad daylight to make sure you’ve reached this milestone, but it sure helps!

9. Have condoms on hand.
Make sure they fit right, that they’re within the expiration date, and that they haven’t been exposed to extreme conditions (like the inside of a really hot car). Condoms should be part of any respectful sexual relationship. There need be no assumption of hook ups outside of the relationship, just an assumption of good sexual habits being made and kept.

10. Make sure that your partner has done all of these things too.
Part of a happy, healthy sexual encounter is taking care of everyone’s emotional needs and physical health. Both people need to pay attention to themselves and to their partner. That way each person has two people looking out for them. It’s just the best way to do things.

This is just too funny! The original site has the image animated - which is, of course, even funnier.

Condoms are absolutely the best birth control for teenagers. They protect against pregnancy and disease. They are used at the time, so there is no need to fret over whether you forgot to take your pill last Tuesday. They are relatively inexpensive, and easily available (regardless of your age). Both genders can take responsibility for procuring and using them. There are, of course, a few drawbacks, but they are relatively small.

Hormonal birth control, which includes the pill and the Depo-Provera shot, are the other common methods out there. The first big drawback, as I see it, of these methods, is that they do not protect against STIs. Teenagers need to form the habit of using condoms every time, regardless of their partner’s STI status. This is just a good sexual health supporting habit. However, there is a second big drawback. Hormonal birth control has serious emotional repercussions for some women: depression. It may be that as many as 50% or more women on hormonal birth control experience some level of depression which was brought on by the hormonal birth control. The third drawback here is that it is primarily through hormonal birth control that teenagers learn to think of birth control as something in the women’s realm. Rather, it should be thought of as something that both genders think of as their responsibility.

So what birth control method(s) do you use? What did you use as a teenager? There are, of course, pro’s and con’s of every method. What are the pro’s and con’s that you live with on a daily basis?

When your teenager tells you something shocking, or when you find or walk in on something shocking, or when your teenager’s friends accidentally lets something shocking slip, you have an amazing opportunity. This is your golden opportunity to get to know your kid and maybe their friends at a much deeper level. But you don’t want to blow it by reacting inappropriately in your shock and surprise.

So what to do?

Assume you have one question. That’s it. So you’d better make it a good one.

And, importantly, you don’t have to ask it right then. Depending on the situation, walk away or stop what’s going on and make sure everyone is safe and taken care of, and then walk away. You’ve got at least a couple of hours, maybe even a day to devise your one question. Write out your question, say it out loud, revise it, bounce it off your friends or your therapist.

There are two parts of this process that are most important:

1. You’re making sure that you ask a question, and then give your teenager a chance to answer. Far too often parents who are surprised ask one question and then go right into another one, without giving their teenager time to either absorb or answer the first question.
2. You’re choosing your words wisely. In addition to talking too much, parents often make the mistake of asking blaming or rhetorical questions (”What were you thinking!” or “Did you not realize what a stupid idea that was?”). You really do want answers, and so you need to be sure and ask the right question to get those answers.

So take your time, and make sure you get the right question figured out. Your conversations with your teenager will substantially deepen as a result.

Do you know condoms come in different shapes and sizes? Does your teenager know that?

Five researchers from the University of Indiana have recently reported that lots of men report that condoms just don’t fit quite right - men think that condoms are too short, too long, too tight, and too loose.

It seems to me that anyone - teenagers or adults - would have a hard time using a condom if they didn’t fit right. Regardless of whether the condoms are too tight, too loose, too short, or too long, they won’t be worn if they don’t fit well. Not to mention the safety issues inherent with mis-fitting condoms! Too loose or too long means too likely to slip off during sex. Too short or too tight means too uncomfortable and likely to rip. Any of these things happening makes teenagers (and adults) less likely to trust, and therefore less likely to use, condoms.

So what to do? Try out different condoms. They come in different shapes and sizes, and there’s probably a pretty decent fit for you out there somewhere. A good place to start is the Dinah Project’s lovely condom review page. Many stores also sell mixed packs of condoms, so you can try out several kinds.

Even just knowing that condoms are different may help your teenager be open to keep trying different kinds until they find one that works. So be sure your teenager knows it!

Thanks to The Dinah Project for the condom picture!

When I was a teenager, I knew the parents of my boyfriends. I don’t really remember how or when or why I met them, I just did. I guess we hung out at my boyfriends’ houses and their parents were just…you know, around. I think this is a good thing. In fact, I think it’s a fabulous thing.

Before having sex with someone, teenagers should meet his/her parents. It puts the prospective lover in context, and allows them further insight into who they are. Most teenagers live with their parents, so it shouldn’t be too logistically difficult. It seems like a good, basic safety valve.

When I’ve talked about this, some parents seem to assume that teenagers would meet their girlfriend/boyfriend’s parents, and think I’m just stating an obvious fact of teenage relationships. Others are stunned that I would recommend such a thing, because it would just never happen.

What’s your perspective on this? Did you meet the parents of your early sexual partners? Do you expect to meet your teenager’s sexual partners? Is it different if the teenager is dating but not having sex?

A few weeks ago I blithely mentioned cloth pads and Keepers in a post. Crystal, one of my readers, happily pointed out that she had no idea what I was talking about. So if you’re like her, here’s the low down:

Cloth pads are, essentially, just like disposable pads except that they’re made out of…um…cloth. (Those snaps go on the bottom of your panties, folks, and the nice smooth side you can’t see in the picture goes towards your body.) Potential benefits are: you don’t have all those yucky absorptive chemicals in such a sensitive place, it’s cheaper in the long run than disposables, plus it’s so much better for the environment. Another happy side effect for those of you able to handle your moon blood more easily than most is that the water you use to wash your pads in is really great to use to water your plants with. Makes them extra green and shiny. That is, of course, just too gross for some people, which I totally understand. Frankly, if I used cloth pads, I’m not sure I could bring myself to water my plants that way.

OKAY! Onto the the Keepers.

First, Keepers are menstrual cups, menstrual cups are Keepers. They’re shaped like little wine goblets without the base and are made out of rubber (the brown one) or medical grade silicone (the white one). Here’s how you use a Keeper: You fold the lip of the cup together and into quarters and insert it into your vagina. You poke around to make sure they’ve fully expanded and tug on the stem a little to make sure they’ve got a good seal all the way around. In the best of all worlds, they catch all your blood. When you think it’s full (you develop a seventh sense about this, just like with tampons), or it’s been up to 12 hours, you tug on the little bit sticking down and dump your blood in the potty. Rinse the cup in the sink. Benefits are: there’s no concern of toxic shock syndrome like there is with tampons, it’s cheaper in the long run, fewer chemicals are leaching into your body, there’s no bloody yuck in your bathroom trashcan, plus they’re better for the environment.

I’m a Keeper girl myself. But it took me years to find out! So be particularly sure to talk with your pre-menstrual girls about both of these options, in addition to the more typical disposable items in the crotch section of your local grocery store. (Ever notice how all of the items for the general crotch area are all on the same aisle? Take a look next time you’re there. It’s kind of funny.) That way she’ll be more open to the idea of a reusable item when she starts her period. Particular care and attention must be used to help her figure out how to be discrete in the bathroom with these items, in the event she doesn’t want her friends to know what kind of blood catcher she’s using.

Last night I heard Tim Burns talk about brain development in the adolescent years. He also went into some detail about how drug and alcohol use affects the brain. For the most part, I liked what he had to say. He was an interesting and effective speaker.

But here is where I am concerned about his message:

He talked about the extreme negative implications of binge drinking. The depressing effect of large amounts of alcohol (generally more than four or five drinks) has something of a whiplash effect on the brain as it’s wearing off. That burns through lots of brain cells. Clearly, that’s very, very bad.

However, Burns added some nuance to that message by saying that what he termed “social drinking,” or having only one drink, is generally fine, and may even have positive physiological effects. But that’s a message that I’m just not comfortable with. Teenagers’ first sexual experience is often associated with some alcohol use - but not necessarily binge drinking. And losing your virginity is just never improved by the presence of even small amounts of alcohol.

So while I appreciate that social drinking doesn’t necessarily have negative physiological effects, if we’re talking about nuances, we should also discuss how even social drinking can impair teenager’s social decision making. And that leaves them open to sexual experiences they wouldn’t choose to have sober.

1. Listen. If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual choices, shut up and listen to them!

2. Be cool like a cucumber. Nothing surprises you. You gain your strength and your stability from the depths of the ocean. You are in the zone. You are the embodiment of zen. When listening to your teenager talking about sex, never get worked up. The minute you get worked up, they stop talking. So let them talk themselves out -whether that takes two minutes or two hours. Then leave. Then get worked up and yell and scream and rage and cry at someone not related to you.

3. Pleasure and Pain. You must talk about the pleasure sex can bring as well as the negative sides. And you have to let your teenager talk about it as well. Yes, that means you have to talk about orgasms and hear your teenager use terms like “feels good.” Teenagers know sex is at least partially about physical pleasure, so no worries. You won’t be telling them anything they don’t already know.

4. Listen. Once more, for the hard-of-hearing: If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual lives, shut up and listen to them!

5. It’s not about you. You must always keep the focus of the conversation on your teenager’s sex life (that is, that which has nothing at all to do with your own sex life). Teenagers feel like they are discovering sex. And in a way, they are. They’re discovering their own sexuality. By talking about other people’s sexual choices (yours, their older sibling’s, their friend’s, famous people’s, whoever), you are reminding them that they did not, in fact, invent sex. This is not the time for you to do that.

6. Bring it on! You must always be open and welcoming when your teenager shows any inclination to talking about his/her sex life. Even if you’re uncomfortable. Even if you feel like they’re making horrible choices. The time to bring up those reservations is at a later time, when your teenager isn’t opening up of their own volition and, more importantly, you have a bit more perspective and time to plan what you’re going to say.

7. Do something - anything - else. The conversation will be easier if you don’t have to look at each other. So, depending on your personal preferences and those of your teen, grab anything from your knitting to your golf clubs. Just get something (anything!) in front of your eyes and their eyes so you don’t have to look at each other’s eyes.

8. Listen. I just can’t make that word bold enough or say it enough times. For those who have already forgotten #s 1 and 4, I’ll repeat myself one last time: If your teenager is talking about their romantic or sexual choices, shut up and listen to them!

9. Ask questions. This is the only way you can violate rules #s 1, 4, and 8. This does not, however, give you permission to ask questions like “Was that really a good idea?” because that’s not really a question, but a statement of “That was not a good idea.” You may ask open-ended, non-judgmental questions like “Can you tell me more about that?” and “How did that make you feel?” Be sure your tone of voice is open and non-judgmental as well.

10. Sisyphus didn’t give up, and neither may you! That’s a picture of Sisyphus up at the top. He’s the guy the Gods punished by making him role a huge bolder up a hill for eternity. What you’re doing isn’t as hard as that, it just feels like it. These may be some of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have. Keep at it! If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.