Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

Yep, here’s a real treat folks. Marvel Comics and Planned Parenthood teamed up in 1976 to publish a comic book on safe sex. The villain is an alien who wants teenagers to pop out babies so he can steal them and take them back to his home planet as slaves. To further his plan, the villain teaches the teenagers of American falsehoods about pregnancy and pregnancy prevention, lulling them into having rampant, unprotected sex. Here’s the villain providing sufficient exposition for the purposes of the story:

Spider-Man manages to save the day just in the nick of time, taking out a whole slew of guards and the evil alien to boot.

The comic is followed by a delightful page that tells the readers about pregnancy, VD (when did they stop using that term?), masturbation, and homosexuality. Only some of the information is still good information – but I suspect this comic had the potential to positively influence young boys in the 70’s.

But really, it’s worth reading all the way through this 18-page gem on Andrew Fargo’s blog.

Thanks to Radikelsey at Fun with Feminism for the link.

I am delighted to say that I am back from vacation, renewed and refreshed, and ready to dive back in to the daily fray.

One of the places I went on vacation was a Unitarian Universalist family church camp. This is a place I have gone for many years, and I saw many old friends while I was there. One of the topics of conversation over the week was how many adolescents and adults hook-up while they are there. (A hook-up can generally be described as having a romantic and/or sexual attraction to someone and acting on it for part or the duration of the week. It does not always mean sexual intercourse, but does imply some sexual activity.) The intensity of being away from home, with many new people, most of whom have similar world views, all day and night for a week lends itself to strong connections. Some of those turn out to be romantic/sexual.

This is not a phenomenon that is restricted to Unitarian Universalist circles (although it is often quite prevalent in those places). Hook-ups happen anywhere adolescents (and sometimes adults) gather for a weekend to a week or more for just about any reason.

I think that hook-ups can be beneficial or harmful, depending on the situation and the teenagers involved. In general, it is important for teenagers to interact sexually/romantically with at least several peers in order to hone their skill at determining the kind of person they like to date - hooking-up can provide some good insights on this. This can include some experimentation with sexual identity. However, hook-ups can also provide for some serious heartaches and heartbreaks. Being able to see and accept the hook-up for what it is (generally a short-term, place-specific encounter) is hard for many young people - but they may not have thought to check-in with the individual of their desire to inquire about their short or long-term intentions.

Have any of you had experiences with hook-ups? How did they turn out? Do you think of your experiences as essentially helpful or essentially hurtful to your romantic and/or sexual development?

I want to speak more on the response to my last post. My youngest daughter trusted me and felt that she could make an agreement with me and then honor that agreement. How did that come about? It is possible that my older daughter also trusted me - she also made an agreement with me and she may have honored it, I hope so, but I have no way of knowing for sure. Both my daughters are healthy and happy today, responsible adults living good lives. This is the bottom line of what I wanted for them. I am happy they have it. I had a part in that, but what part? And, could I recreate it with any child/youth? Of course not.

There are no absolutes. But, there are certainly tried and proven methods for developing relationships with children that foster trust and build relationship that enables the child/youth to turn to the parent/adult with trust that what they have to say will be heard and honored and willingness to listen to the responsive thoughts, beliefs, and hopes of the parent/adult.

The tried and proven method primarily involves recognizing from an early age that children are fully human beings, not less than adults. That children can not run their own lives yet, but their opinions and preferences are important enough to ask after and consider as decisions are being made. Not that their opinions and preferences are always the deciding factor, but that they are one of the factors in the decision. That the child/youth understands, through many repetitions and experiences, that adults also do not always get to make decisions in which the adults opinions and preferences are met either. But, the children/youth are able to see that to the best of their ability, the parents/adults work to meet the opionions/preferences of the youth as hard as they work to meet their own opinions/preferences. When the preferences diverge, sometimes the kids get what they want instead of the parents getting what they want. The parents gracefully allow for that. Sometimes the parents get what they want and encourage (by example and discussion) for the kids to gracefully allow for that.

This can sound easier than it feels - I had a hard time with it, but looking back, I know it is one of the main reasons my daughters still honor me - I ALWAYS honored them, I always was willing to listen to their opinion and treat it as a valid opinion, and tell them when I disagreed and why I disagreed, but did not require that they change their opinion.

Does this sound doable to you? Have you tried it with your children? It is possible to shift into this perspective no matter what age your child - none is too young and none is too old. Let me know what you think.

Dr. Robert Wm. Blum was online with the Washington Post on Tuesday, May 16, at 11 a.m. ET to field questions and comments about risk and protective factors associated with sexually active teenagers. You can read the whole column here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/discussion/2006/05/12/DI2006051201149.html One of the questions and answers is:

Cambridge, Mass.: Why is it generally assumed that it is bad for adolescents to have sex? Of course, there is the risk of STDs; but this risk can be managed, and doesn’t seem to be what really bothers people about adolescent sexuality. There is also the argument that adolescents are something like too “emotionally immature” for sexual relations; but this is a mushy argument that doesn’t explain why emotional maturity is needed, what it is, and whether or not adolescents generally, or can ever, have it. So if we leave aside the specter of STDs and avoid mushy generalities: should adolescents ever be sexually active, and, if so, under what conditions?

Dr. Robert Wm. Blum: The question is complicated since “adolescence” spans an 8 to 10 year period depending on how you define it and there is a lot of development that occurs during that time. The issues: when there is a wide difference in age between 2 adolescents (often defined as more than 3 years) it may very well be an unequal power relationship; 2. developmentally, some young adolescents may not really understand what they are consenting to when they have consensual sex. There is little data, however, that shows that young people who willingly engage in mutually consenting, non-abusive sexual relations are harmed by it.

When my younger daughter decided to “go all the way”, as we had agreed she would, she talked to me about it first. I was fixing breakfast (I can still see the setting very clearly although it was many years ago) and she walked up and said “You know how we agreed I’d tell you if I was going to have sex? Well, I’m going to.” I could not even speak, I could not even breath, I CERTAINLY could not imagine (for a moment) why I had suggested I wanted this information. We (most adults, certainly most parents of teens) have so much trouble believing teens can make responsible, healthy sexual decisions and engage in responsible, healthy sexual behavior. Why is this? How do we decide when it is okay for our kids to become fully sexual beings? I don’t know - what do you think?

When I was a child and young adolescent, I had several very inappropriate experiences with significantly older youth and with men. This was pretty hurtful to me. I ended up acting out sexually, promiscuously. I think there was connection, but who knows? I was in the time period of drug, sex, rock and roll, so perhaps my behavior would have been the same. But, I didn’t have any adult that I felt loved and respected me. I didn’t have any adult I felt I could talk to. I was in pain and bewildered and I didn’t know where to turn, so I tried turning to physical comfort, which turned into sexuality, which was not comforting at all. But, I didn’t know how to stop it.
When I had my children, I tried to tell them every way I could find that they could always talk to me, that I was a safe person for them, that their body was their own and no one else was allowed to touch them if it made them uncomfortable. But still, my younger daughter was molested by a family member and did not tell me for some time, during which time, the abuse continued.
When I found out about the abuse, I was very protective and I got her the best therapy I could find (I never felt that it was very helpful, but I knew she needed more than I know how to give to resolve it). I tried to give her privacy, but still check in that she was okay. I felt inadequate and scared for her and for me. But, I was very aware when she was moving into early and middle adolescence that the past could reach out and bite her again. I worried with some of her boyfriends - they reminded me of the abusive family member and I was scared for her. She turned out fine. She has tremendous emotional heath and resiliency and I believe she has a healthy sexual life and attitude.
Building relationship with your children, from the earliest possible time, so that they know they can trust you - this is the best protection you can give them. Without that foundation (which still wasn’t enough) my daughter might have gone on being molested for years. Instead, it stopped within 9 months of the first occurance, because she did finally tell me. Build your relationship with your children. Let them know that you will believe them and listen to them and consider what they say thoughtfully.

The New York Times had an article by Stephanie Rosenbloom called “A Show of Hands” on 10/5/06 (it can no longer be read online without subscribing).
Some of what she said is that “Nowadays hand-holding has attracted the interest of scientists who are studying its effects on the body and mind. And sexual health educators say it is a much-discussed topic among gay students who now publicly hold hands more than ever before but still must consider whether they want to declare their sexuality.”
In many cultures, same sex hand holding and even arms around bodies as you walk together is not considered sexual at all. In our culture, for a parent and child to hold hands is a normal occurrence - at what age does this begin to be seen as a sexual couple, rather than a couple of another type?
When my niece was 11 or 12, she and I were out for the evening at a holiday festival gathering. We were enjoying our time together and holding hands as we left the event. A woman entering the event saw us walk out together (neither of us had ever seen this woman before), holding hands (my niece did look older than 12), and this woman took a deep breath and said “Oh, wow, you are lesbians, aren’t you?” My niece dropped my hand, I laughed and said “No, sorry, just loving relatives.” and we walked away. My niece has never held my hand again. That was a loss to me and I think probably to her also.
It is now more than 10 years later and my niece is a lesbian. She has a wonderful partner and is living a good life. I wonder how that incident impacted her thinking, if at all. We don’t talk about things like that, so I won’t ask her. But, I can ask you. Who do you hold hands with? Who sees you? Is it always sexual?

Children and adolescents gather information from watching the adults around them. The Sexuality Infomation and Education Council of the United States (http://www.siecus.org/) has compiled a list of Life Behaviors of a Sexually Healthy Adult. Reading this list, I think an adult (or child, or adolescent) who is exhibiting these behaviors is healthy in more ways than ‘just’ sexually. What do you think?

Life Behaviors of a Sexually Healthy Adult. A sexually healthy adult will:
Appreciate one’s own body.
Seek further information about reproduction as needed.
Affirm that human development includes sexual development, which may or may not include reproductive or sexual experience.
Interact with all genders in respectful and appropriate ways.
Affirm one’s own sexual orientation and respect the sexual orientations of others.
Affirm one’s own gender identities and respect the gender identities of others.
Express love and intimacy in appropriate ways.
Develop and maintain meaningful relationships.
Make informed choices about family options and relationships.
Exhibit skills that enhance personal relationships.
Identify and live according to one’s own values.
Take responsibility for one’s own behavior.
Practice effective decision-making.
Develop critical-thinking skills.
Communicate effectively with family, peers, and romantic partners.
Enjoy and express one’s sexuality throughout life.
Express one’s sexuality in ways that are congruent with one’s values.
Enjoy sexual feelings without necessarily acting on them.

Source: http://www.siecus.org/pubs/guidelines/guidelines.pdf

And here is a picture of a young adult - tell me your opinion - is this adult exhibiting Life Behaviors of a Sexually Healthy Adult? Why or why not?

My experience as a parent of an adolescent is that the sexuality stuff was so scary to me that it was hard to even begin to talk with my girls about it. I think I had the ‘normal’ experience of a parent with two kids - one was easier and one was harder, but both were within reasonably easy bounds, i.e no drug use (that I know of), no promiscuity, a few incidents with alcohol, a few boyfriends I REALLY didn’t like.
We traveled one summer, by bus, for the experience of the travel and I was so scared in the bus stops - I had never known how scary bus stops are for teenage girls. My girls were 14 and 12 and beautiful. The attention directed at them in bus stops was so concentrated and predatory and sexual that I had trouble breathing sometimes with the need to get the girls out of there safely. I don’t remember ever talking to them about this experience, but it was repeated across the country at almost every big city bus stop we were in.
A few years later, I was still not talking much on this subject with the girls, but I finally managed to get a conversation going with them in which I was able to ask what they thought my expectations were for them sexually. They were also uncomfortable with the conversation, but finally were able to summarize what they thought I wanted for them and their sexual lives. To wait until some poorly defined ‘later’ to engage in intercourse, probably (they theorized) I wanted them to wait at least until they graduated high school. To probably have more than one sexual partner, as they did not believe I had strong value in them waiting for marriage to engage in intercourse. To care about their partner - not ‘just to do it to get it over with’. And then they said (or one said first and the other agreed as the conversation was working) “And ALWAYS to use a condom!”
I was amazingly relieved. They had somehow absorbed what I wanted for them sexually. And, in that conversation I was also able to ask them to tell me after making the decision to have intercourse, before they “did it” (if it happened before they got out of high school). They both agreed to that. One of them followed through and we got her on the pill and she stated she understood that she still needed to use a condom. The other one didn’t follow through. (Or perhaps she didn’t have sex before getting out of high school. I doubt that, but I will not ask. She is an adult today and it is none of my business).
They are both competent adults today, with healthy, loving partners. I am grateful and I hope I contributed somehow, but I know I could have done better with this issue and I think that today I would do better.
I’d love to hear from other parents about their experiences, fears, and joys. I’d also love to hear from any teens (or young adults remembering their teen years) about their experiences, fears, and joys. If you prefer to share privately, feel free to email me off the page (kathymhorton@gmail.com) and I will share what you say, but not who says it. If you are comfortable with posting a comment, that’s the easiest.

Folks, I am going on vacation. It’s been so long since I went on vacation and left all of my work behind me, I can’t even say when the last time was. It was certainly not in the last two years, and probably even longer. I didn’t even take off more than two days when my youngest kiddo was born.

“I’m a psychotherapist with old ties to the Austin Waldorf School and the Austin pagan community. I have two adult daughters who successfully navigated their adolescent sexuality (with of course, much anxiety on my part). “

I think Kathy will treat you well and provide you with interesting food for thought. Be kind to her and give her lots of feedback through your comments. I will be back, renewed and refreshed, on July 30th.