Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne

The Washington Post is devoting some of their space to a group of teenage girls to blog about their experience in Africa. Here’s the intro:

What happens when 11 Washington area high school girls, the picture of health and privilege, travel 8,000 miles to South Africa to teach soccer to girls their own age, all of whom know the downward drag of poverty and many of whom will be infected with AIDS or are living with someone who is? What happens when they sit around a fire and talk about self-image and sexuality with girls more open to those conversations than they are?

It’s a pretty interesting read.

(And don’t miss the second in the condom commercial series just below this post!)

Here is a question from a regular reader:

“What role do you think the choice of abstinence should play in sexuality education?”

Well, I think it’s critical. All teenagers must know, absolutely, that the choice to have sexual intercourse is first and foremost theirs to make about their own body. And making the decision to not have intercourse is often a wise one, given just the physical issues involved with sexual intercourse. To elaborate, it is often useful to ask teenagers what their goal is with having intercourse. If it is sexual pleasure, there are many ways to achieve that without intercourse. If it is physical and emotional closeness with their partner, there are many ways to achieve that without intercourse. If they feel pressured, well, that’s a huge red flag (see above). If they want to get pregnant, well, they probably need more experience with babies, and they should get a job or volunteer at a daycare center to get a sense of what babies are really like.

But the critical thing about all of this is that these pieces of information can’t just be thrown at the teenagers - they need to come to these realizations on their own. It’s hard as a parent, educator, friend, to let them do this. But it’s the way that has the largest impact on them. And they can and will, through some good conversation with adults where the adults are primarily listening and asking the occasional question, come to those realizations.

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There has been much discussion of girls’ loss of voice during the middle school years. Girls go from being forward and vocal about their opinions and their knowledge to being quite and shy, particularly around boys. The recommendations about what to do as a parent or educator in the face of a girl in such a situation are, by and large, what you would expect. Praise her for academic and extracurricular achievements. Encourage her to have one or two friends and not worry about the popularity contest at school. I find these suggestions to be weak in their ability to reach girls who have already begun to lose their voice.

So what to do? I think being honest is the first step. Verbalize what changes you’re seeing in your girl, and remind her that it doesn’t have to be this way. Here are some examples:

“You are very quiet in science class this semester. I miss your contributions to the class because they were insightful and helped the other students understand better. I know you still have those contributions inside, I see them in your eyes during class, and I would love to hear them in class again. I know the other students would learn a lot from them too.”

“I have noted that the way you talk around your friends is changing, particularly the boys. You don’t argue with them or state your point of view like you used to, or like you still do with your girl friends. But you can argue with them. You can let them know who you are and what you like or don’t like. Otherwise you’re not really giving them a chance to see the real you and be friends with the real you.”

Then ask your girl how she feels about it. And listen to her talk. Encourage her to talk. Make sure that in every conversation she talks twice as much as you do. It may be painful for a while - lots of silence, because she’s not talking and you can’t fill that silence for her. But the only way for her to find her voice again may be for someone to give her space to hear her silence first.

Yesterday a father asked me about discipline. He was grappling with the realization that interfacing with his almost teenage son about sex education will be very different than previous interactions on other issues. Notably, this father came to the realization that talks about sex and related issues should not involve discipline. It should involve a lot of patience, a lot of talking, and even more listening.

I might not have thought to phrase the issue in such terms - but I am pleased that he did, because it is an important point. Pre-teens and teenagers will make their own decisions about their sexual relationships, and discipline - punishment - can only go a little way towards influencing them. More often than not discipline will influence teenagers’ sexual choices in the opposite direction from parents’ intentions. Conversations which are mostly comprised of the teenager talking and the parent asking key questions occasionally are what really have the power to influence teens’ choices.