There are parents who feel very strongly about something their teenagers are doing (or not doing), and just forget that by talking constantly about that point, they loose their relationship with their teenager. (As would anyone who talked constantly to an adult about something they were doing wrong.) By loosing their relationship, parents loose their influence.

I appreciate that my question seems leading and obvious to you. I wish it did for everyone!

Do you think any parent tries to strain their relationship with their child? I suppose its possible, but again, that would be outside the “normal” range of parent/teen relationships.

So, if a question has only one answer, its really not a question. But, it is very important for parents to be reminded how important the relationship is! It is very important to keep that first and foremost, so that the lines of communication will be open in times of stress and turmoil.

Blessings,
Ruth

Of course it is always hard to gainsay the eventual road any given event will take you down. However, that does not reduce the importance of working to keep a relationship with your teenager. I do think it is a parent’s responsibility to keep those lines of communication open.

There are, of course, times when teenagers may act so outrageously that parents are forced to draw some lines around their own lives. Extreme drug use, other illegal activities, physical abuse, these and others are all situations in which a parent may be forced to make choices they never thought they would (calling the police on their child, refusing to provide the child shelter or food, etc.).

But these are extreme cases, and are very distantly removed from the vast majority of parent/teen relationships. These situations also have very little to do with the normal sexual exploration that all adolescents do experience. And I have yet to see a parent/teen relationship where I thought that it was beneficial for anyone involved for the parent to chase their child away through extreme judgment, regardless of what negative choices the teenager was making.

The question brings to mind the classic Chinese tale, “Old Sai loses a horse.”

….
“A man who lived on the northern frontier of China was skilled in interpreting events. One day for no reason, his horse ran away to the nomads across the border. Everyone tried to console him, but his father said, “What makes you so sure this isn’t a blessing?” Some months later his horse returned, bringing a splendid nomad stallion. Everyone congratulated him, but his father said, “What makes you so sure this isn’t a disaster?” Their household was richer by a fine horse, which the son loved to ride. One day he fell and broke his hip. Everyone tried to console him, but his father said, “What makes you so sure this isn’t a blessing?”

A year later the nomads came in force across the border, and every able-bodied man took his bow and went into battle. The Chinese frontiersmen lost nine of every ten men. Only because the son was lame did father and son survive to take care of each other. Truly, blessing turns to disaster, and disaster to blessing: the changes have no end, nor can the mystery be fathomed.”
……

So, your short story implies good and bad (bad boyfriend, bad parents, bad situation of pregnancy, bad situation of abortion, cause/effect relationship between the above and her spiralling out of control.

i think we too often blame, instead of simply observing and gathering information. (Certainly guilty of that myself many times over!!!)

I also really agree with Tom, that this blog is a very important contribution. Thank you for doing this.

And absolutely, Alice. You’re a wonderful person.

My view on this subject is simply, honesty right from the beginning, parent to child, instills honesty in return. This is not to be confused with “my way or the highway” type of honesty, but instead implies “conversation and respect.”

It seems to me that the best functioning families strive for the latter in all areas of their family life and it gives all sorts of benefits in return: trust, a lack of fear and rejection, personal confidential to deal with the world, etc. etc. etc.

So my answer to your question is, it is more important to maintain a strong relation–one that has a basis in honesty and trust and respect.